In The Light of The Moon
So, this will be streching out longer than I thought, sorry about that. The next chapter is already underway and so on. I do not dare to make any promises, but I will try.
Chapter 11
In The Light Of The Moon
Princess Celestia glanced over her shoulder at the sudden jolt of magic behind her. Luna was too gentle for her own good, but she could not admonish her sister for trying to undo whatever part of her mistake she could. Kamos had been right; the spirit inside Fenrir was most definitely insane, if not malicious. It would have been easier and kinder to simply end the wolf’s life and set the spirit free from this world that way, but Luna feared Fenrir was too deeply ingrained for the spirit to return to their own world.
Celestia had never understood the veil, or the intricacies of the mind to the extent her sister did, but she knew Luna well enough to know when she was making excuses. The gentle little fool wanted to try and save something she had wronged on such a personal level. Luna had been the one to invent soul magicks and one of the few beings that knew how to use its power and the dangers in doing so. And even then the trick of splintering her own petty jealousy and hate into a separate entity had left her broken for a millenia.
The unicorns studying magic at her school often argued over the difference between their power, but it was rather simple. Her role as the avatar of the sun meant she was more adept at extreme magicks, when her sister had a more profound understanding of the intricacies of the arcane arts than any other being. Celestia could face down an army and not necessarily lose, whereas Luna could weave a song to win the army’s favor and discourage the invading party by marching their own army back to their doorstep. The power to use emotion and the sub-conscious was something not easily attained, but if you had the required knowledge and a bit of power to your name, then you could face opponents far stronger than you and come out on top.
It had been a guilty relief of Celestia’s that Luna had not been around to teach her secrets during the last 1000 years. Any of the grimoires she had left behind only helped better understand the physical ways of magic, something Celestia could easily handle. Luna had never seen the point to write down something she knew by instinct. The magicks thought to be abilities innate to the avatar of the moon, in Equestria at least, had to either be taught directly, or truly come as naturally to the pony, as they did to Luna.
“My little ponies.” Celestia addressed the group of ponies within the wavering shield. She could see admiration, fear and anger staring back at her, as she allowed her radiant power to simmer down into a dim glow about her coat. Twilight Sparkle had condemned her friends and the guards assigned to guard them to watch Fenrir’s crimes, when they wanted to act. This might have hurt the pride of the guards and some of her friends, but Celestia was glad the shield had been there as her anger had flared upon seeing what Fenrir had done.
The sun might have seemed like a distant and constant thing to the common pony, but Celestia knew that the thing that she represented was also a rampaging inferno of destructive power contained only barely by its own mass. She did not wish to be a very accurate representation of that power, not when her ponies were anywhere nearby.
“Lower your shield, Twilight Sparkle, it is over.” Celestia assured the frayed unicorn. Her senses might not have been as keen as Luna’s, but she could still tell Twilight Sparkle had overexerted herself, even with the element of magic giving her strength. Celestia was both proud of her student and afraid for her safety, as she had seen things like Fenrir tear through unicorn magic like it was merely an annoyance. The toll it must have taken on her mind to keep something like Fenrir from hurting her friends was inconceivable.
“Twilight? Darling, you can lower the shield now, Princess Celestia is here.” Rarity tenderly said and moved closer to the purple unicorn. Twilight Sparkle blinked slowly and her brow furrowed ever so slightly, but she showed no other signs of acknowledging her friend. The rest of the ponies inside her shield were now paying her condition more attention, now that Fenrir was no longer distracting them from it.
“Twilight, it’s over! Chill out already!” Rainbow Dash hollered, thinking her aggravation and sheer volume will break through to the unicorn in a pain-induced trance. In any other case, it might have, but with the element of magic bolstering Twilight Sparkle’s reserves of magic, she wasn’t so sure. Celestia bowed her head and touched her horn onto the shield Twilight still kept up. She carefully prodded the field with her magic to both reach out to her student and safely dispel it.
“Twilight, we need to save mah sister! Drop tah shield!” Applejack pointed out and bolstered her statement by casually kicking the shield with her hoof. Celestia could feel the kick go through the shield and and nudge her magic just slightly. She could also feel how it affected Twilight Sparkle. She could feel the constant pain the small nudge stirred and saw Twilight’s legs nearly buckled under her.
Fluttershy quietly admonished Applejack for being so inconsiderate and Applejack countered with a logical need to get moving, but Celestia paid them little mind at the moment. Twilight Sparkle’s eyes had taken a glassy sheen and started to slowly emit light as her pained mind sluggishly moved to a some kind of conclusion. Celestia concentrated on her magic to soothe the unicorn before the elements would grasp onto her building determination and act on them.
“Twilight Sparkle! The battle is won, there is no need for this!” Celestia shouted, trying to reach her student while struggling to dispel her magic. The element of Magic was already reaching toward the other Elements for power. Twilight Sparkle’s eyes shone in a blinding intensity as her lips moved in a silent mantra of obsession. For all her supposed strength and years of experience, she couldn’t stop a single scared filly from making a mistake…
Nor could she let herself make another, as much as it might hurt to do the right thing.
“Guards, relieve Twilight Sparkle of her element!” Celestia ordered as Twilight’s hooves started to raise above the ground and her friends had a glazed look to their eyes, as their necklaces started to glow. The unicorns gave her a brief glance before jumping into action, knowing what it could mean to disrupt a spell of such power, but the pegasi or earth ponies had no such discipline, they bowled Twilight’s less than considerable form to the ground. Despite their strength and swiftness, the Element of Magic refused to part with its wielder, until the unicorns entered the fray. There was an unassuming whisper of air going past her ear as Twilight’s shield came to nothing and the Element of Magic was wrenched from its wielder.
Slay the beast.
Celestia’s own magic was still attuned to Twilight’s when this happened, so she felt the purple unicorns magic wash over her and continue on beyond her. She immediately turned to follow the wave of magic, but only saw the forms of Luna and Fenrir behind her, not feeling any trace of Twilight’s dissipated aura.
There was fraction of a second where she felt the dread of losing her prized student because of her actions, but Celestia realized just as quickly what the complete lack of Twilight’s energy meant. If Twilight’s consciousness had dissipated as the element’s spell was interrupted, then the area would be saturated with the remnants of that energy. The spell had been interrupted, but the unfinished construct had stayed coherent long enough to transport the energy to somewhere outside Twilight’s body, most probably into Fenrir’s body and mind.
“Princess, may I inquire as to what the hell happened just now?” One of the unicorn guards spoke as they stepped closer and out of the undisturbed circle the barrier had formed. Twilight’s fate could not be helped immediately, but the other ponies inside the circle were ponies she was perhaps able to help.
“Let us see if I can help your brother first. Anypony else hurt?” Celestia said as she trotted to the fallen guard and enveloped him in a golden aura. Healing magic had been her forte since ancient times, as it took tremendous amounts of energy to do, if you were not skilled, so she had been in an uniquely advantageous position to get good at it.
“Fenrir ate George and Twilight Sparkle did that to herself, but the wounds among the rest of the guard are minimal. The armor stopped most of the weapons the dogs threw at us. What they used on my brother must have been special to pierce it the way it did.” Regal Poise continued in a calm monotone. Celestia made a mental note to have the colt put on suicide watch after this. It looked like he had lost his brother and there was a chance he would feel personally responsible for the fact. Celestia moved her horn in a slow arc and the golden glow on Valor’s body spread out to flow into the ponies still surrounding him.
“I am sorry, but there is nothing to be done for your brother. He will receive a hero’s funeral for his service and sacrifice in the line of duty.” Celestia stated in a morose tone, letting the fact she had been too late to stop the tragedy from happening be conveyed through her tone. Regal Poise was silent for a moment, struggling to swallow down the grief and anger that much be surging through him in a situation like this. Celestia would not blame the colt for any outburst, but his composure in not doing so impressed her.
“Thank you, Princess Celestia. I witnessed Kamos’ soldiers receiving many grievous injuries that might be beyond the capabilities of his own healers. I believe your highness would be best served in tending to the living and in agony, while the surviving guards will accompany the elements into the Diamond Dog’s caverns, to save three fillies Fenrir has supposedly kept captive.” Regal Poise met the alicorn’s eyes without faltering.
There was no doubt his defiance was bolstered by her inability to save his brother, but under normal circumstances she would have to discipline the colt for such frank words, but Celestia had made it into a habit to value competence over complacency. She had made the mistake of getting that backwards after the disagreement with Luna came to a close all those years ago and she was rewarded with a guard filled with annoying gits like her nephew Blueblood. It had taken a few centuries to sort that mess out and weed out most of the cowardly glory-hounds from her personal guard. Celestia turned her eyes away from the defiant colt and toward the cave entrance. Her horn pulsed with golden light as she concentrated in the life inside the caves.
“They are deep inside the caves, asleep, same as the dogs. Luna has forced the dogs to sleep, but they can still awaken, if you are not careful. I will tend to things above ground; go save those fillies.” Celestia turned back to Regal Poise with a serious edge to her eyes. She could see that the colt was getting nervous about his borderline insubordination, but still understood to follow a direct order. The colt barked out an affirmative and trotted over to the rest of the guards and the waking element bearers.
“Cell, ask Fluttershy to coax some kind of animal to track down the fillies in the caves, a fox, or something. I take it she will know best. We are not going in there blind.” A female pegasi guard Celestia knew to have the name of Cerulean Wind nodded and started to prod Fluttershy awake gently. The elements were disoriented from the interrupted activation of their elements, but they would surely be hurrying to save the three fillies. She hoped Luna would have answers about this strange tragedy by then.
“They are going to wake up the whole den if they go in there with such a big group.” Kamos commented as Celestia stepped next to him. Celestia had not been happy when Luna introduced the zebra as her knight and told of the network of spies and undercover operatives the zebra had within her court and guard. She still shuddered to think what the zebra could accomplish, if it weren’t for his loyalty to Luna, or if Luna became ambitious. The fact that the zebra was alive was a sign of trust, as Luna still suffered a lack of public power.
“Give my guard some merit, Kamos. Regal Poise is one of the top students out of the guards officer academy. He knows his strategy, even if he lacks your experience.” Celestia took a look at the zebra, but refrained from using her magic to heal the zebra, no matter how easy it would be. The zebra was in pain and taken the fact he had directly confronted Fenrir, it was a safe bet to say he had broken something.
“I could have the zebra inhabiting this very forest fetched to tend to your wounds, if it would make you more comfortable. I’m sure Zecora would not mind having her sleep interrupted, if it meant helping somepony in pain.” Celestia offered as she turned back toward her sister and a huge weapon of war sleeping in front of them.
“My injuries are not severe enough to disrupt a shaman’s rest.” Kamos stated in his calm and silky voice. The suppressed cough was something most would miss altogether, but it was there. So, at least a rib, then, probably some kind of injury to a hoof by the way he held himself, sitting in his rigid way. “I shall have one of my pegasi lead you to the wounded, Princess.”
With a flick of a hoof, a pegasi in an enchanted bodysuit landed in front of him. Celestia didn’t bother wondering where the pony had come from, as Kamos made it his business for the enchantments in those battlesuits to fool everything and anything to some degree. The pegasi had probably been close by, staying just out of the way enough for the enchantment to make him or her hard to see. The unicorns in Kamos’ employ wore cloaks with a similar, but decidedly stronger, enchantment, one that had to either be maintained through unicorn magic, or would not mesh well with the kind of jobs pegasi, or earth pony operatives took part in. Kamos had made quite a show out of demonstrating his capabilities way back when Luna had introduced him.
“You heard us; escort Princess Celestia to the wounded.” Kamos ordered and the pegasi simply nodded, before turning his or hers enchanted eyes toward Celestia. Celestia had to assume the pegasi avoided speaking to keep their identity concealed.
“Lead the way.” Celestia stated and the Kamos knew that it would be a simple thing for her to force the enchantment away with a slight shove of her considerable arcane mass, but he also knew doing so meant she didn’t trust Luna’s judgment. She had not been able to persuade Luna into disclosing the identities of Kamos’ operatives, so even being allowed to heal a part of them was a sign of greater trust from the zebra Celestia had ever received in the past. The pegasi jumped into the air and started flying over the tops of the trees. Celestia unfurled her wings to follow, but paused for a moment before taking to the air.
“Keep my sister safe, Kamos.” Celestia said, letting the concern she felt for her sister seep into her voice only Kamos could hear. Kamos looked up to her as she took to the air and said nothing, but Celestia still heard him answer her just a moment too late, probably thinking she couldn’t hear him.
“Now and forever.”
Luna
“I am Luna.” Luna repeated to herself. She was intruding in a mind that was not hers, so keeping her sense of self definite was important. The loss of self was the reason Fenrir had been able to subjugate the human’s mind to his whims so easily. Losing even a smidgen of her own power to Fenrir’s rampart aggression would not help anyone.
“I am the Princess of the Night.” Luna opened her eyes as the space around her bled forward to touch her consciousness. It was a wholly different experience to walk through dreamspace and most of those rules applied to intruding into other minds. The world was not really there, just as your body wasn’t there to see, feel or hear it. If you did not have a firm grasp on your identity, if you did not know how to keep yourself separate from the mind you were touching, then the contact would harm both.
“I am oil, you are water.” Luna let out a breath and felt her hooves touch on some kind of level rocky surface. She could not see anything of note, but she could both hear and smell the sea somewhere closeby. She closed her immaterial eyes and focused on the sounds of the sea and could hear creaking of steel and the sound of ropes chafing against posts. Creaks of wood followed muted sounds of hoofsteps and muttered intelligible words.
“Ah, a harbor. An incomplete memory of the sea and boats.” Luna muttered to herself as she opened her eyes. Now that she knew where the sounds and feelings were supposed to belong to, her own mind had started reaching for images shared between her and the human whose memories she was in. The darkness around her abated slightly as the flickering impression of moonlight reflecting off the surface of the water was added to her surroundings. She glanced up and saw no sky, nor did she see a moon. So, the moon was different in their world, so the image was not something she could see.
Luna set her eyes down to look for pitfalls, as the mind she was touching was damaged, it was more than possible. She took a few steps forward and stepped on dark wood glimmering in the light of the moon. The planks of wood had set in unevenly, so Luna had to raise her hooves a little more than normal to avoid tripping on an edge of a warped plank. She kept trotting forward along the wooden pathway, but despite the sounds of creaking metal and the sound of water licking the sides of ships both small and large, she saw none. Even nautical vessels were too different for them to translate correctly into her consciousness.
She had no set destination she could follow in this world, as she was the intruding party. She had probably summoned the memory of this harbour by uttering the word “water”, but to induce other memories would only mean getting farther away from the mind’s centre. The fact she had induced the memory in the first place meant that the mind she was accessing was at least active, so to follow the memory’s landscape to the most vivid and “real” scene, would open ways to go further in. As she kept trotting over the old, yet sturdy docks the sounds of the boats around her became more clear, the salt in the air became more pungent and details about the docks she was walking on started jumping out at her.
Such a shift in perspective meant the host mind remembered the place and time she was intruding especially vividly. Every detail and sensory input that jumped out at her was a set piece of a particularly strong memory. Things that Luna experienced as unwelcome shifts in her perspective were the little things someone remembers of a particularly significant event. The wooden dock creaked just so and there was the delicious smell of something Luna did not have a name for in the air. The things you usually notice, but don’t pay any particular attention to at the time.
"Haide, omule! Ne cunoaștem de când eram copii. Poți să mă lași de data asta!'' A panicked sounding male voice called out across the barren mindspace. Luna looked up and saw two strange bipedal figures some ways away from her. The one that was supposedly talking was backed up about something she didn’t have a mental picture of. The other was slightly taller and brawnier than the other one.
Luna closed the distance between them and saw the strange ape-like faces of the creatures. They lacked any significant fur on the parts of their body Luna could see, but the fact both were more or less completely covered in kinds of clothing suggested the uniform lack of it. The human she heard talking earlier was holding a hand toward the other one and Luna noted how delicate and spidery the human’s fingers looked like. They had no claws and the lack of fur or hair only made them look too fleshy and soft to serve any purpose for self defence. The other human was holding a strange thing of iron she assumed to be a weapon in one of its glowed hands. Luna had to assume from the pleading human’s reaction and the other human’s air of confidence that it was a lethal weapon.
The pleading human raised his other hand to the hat on his head and brought it over to his chest in a gesture Luna understood to mean sincerity. He started to move his outstretched hand, but a deafening bang interrupted his movement and whatever he was about to say. Luna saw the brief flash of light from the gun a fraction of a second later. Everything didn’t have to make sense in a memory, or in dreams. The man had perceived sound before the flash had registered, so that is how the memory played out if scrutinized by an outsider.
There was nothing she could do to change a memory, but she still flinched at the sudden loud sound and felt a pang of righteous fury as the other human calmly deposited the iron weapon in a pocket of one of his garments and watched the other man fall to his knees. She could not make out any features on the human, or anything specific about his garments, as she had never actually seen a human with her physical eyes. The memory was incredibly strong for her to even see anyone other than the one the memory belonged to.
''Îmi pare râu. Am o familie. Ştii ca nu pot.'' This time the words were distorted and muted almost to the point of being incomprehensible. Luna stepped between the two humans and saw the downed man still holding his hat to his chest, but now there was a small round hole in the rim of the hat. Blood had already darkened the garments the man wore on his torso and there was a small trickle of blood coming from the hole in the hat and staining the hand still clutching the hat. The other man stood over the body for a moment, before turning away and walking into nothingness. The dying man crumpled against a nautical vessel Luna couldn’t perceive had stopped paying attention to him, so the memory didn’t reach him anymore.
“As a way to go, this isn’t so bad, you know.” Luna heard the same voice she had heard earlier, but now she could understand the words. She arched a brow when the man leaning on an invisible boat stayed still and breathing shallowly. It was definitely the same voice, but it had not been the man lying crumbled in front of her speaking them.
“Did I force you to relive something painful?” Luna asked aloud as she kept watching the dying man hold onto the ever darkening cloth of his hat. His grip was starting to loosen and the seemingly grey fabric was dyed a dark brown in the silver light of the moon.
“Painful? Sure, getting shot is plenty painful, but after the first minute you just feel cold and numb. I’m lucky that Ion is such a good shot for it to be as fast as it was, I guess.” The voice of the man dying in front of her said in an emotionless tone. Luna leaned closer to hear the man’s possible dying words. The Princess of the Night saw the arm holding the hat in place slacken and a wooden handle of some kind of tool peek out from under the folds of the human’s clothing. There was a splintered edge to the handle, as the projectile that had killed the man had passed through it before penetrating the human’s chest. “He had every right to shoot me; I was going for my gun, after all.”
“în lumina lunii…” The dying human rasped out with a ragged breath as he leaned his back on the thing Luna couldn’t perceive. The world around the man started going out of focus and everything about the man whose last moments she had just witnessed came into startling focus. The boards under her hooves no longer creaked, light no longer flickered from the gentle waves around them and she could not hear the movement of the invisible nautical vessels all around her, or the city it was affixed to.
Luna had not seen a human before, but there was something about the human’s appearance she did not trust. It might have been the abundance of layered clothing and what looked like discreet pockets and strange tailor-choices on his clothes that spoke of places designed to hide things. It might have been the fact that a human’s eyes were vastly smaller and less expressive when compared to a pony’s, but it was most definitely there. Even in his short conversation with his murderer Luna had seen the man compensate for his inability to emote through his ears, or the far more expressive eyes of a pony by moving his hands about and changing the posture of his body, along with facial expressions that translated over to Luna nearly unchanged.
“Do you still not know your name?” Luna asked as the last details about her surroundings faded away. Now it was only the man’s dying body and Luna’s immaterial presence in a dark void. Luna followed the dying man’s eyes and saw the image of the human world’s moon come into existence as the body faded away with the human’s life. The moon of their world looked battered, dirty with countless dots and discolored spots, but the otherworldly sheen it gave off was the same.
“We have no idea.” Luna could hear the laugh in the immaterial voice around her as she wrenched her eyes away from the alien moon. There was nothing around her now, as the memory she had conjured with a careless word had played out. She scrunched up her brow as she turned her gaze back to the alien moon. The memory had played out, the moon should have disappeared with the rest of the images.
“We?” Luna asked the darkness. The moon’s light was blinding in the nothingness she found herself in. Could this be a continuation of the human’s memory of death, then? Maybe this is how he remembered her spell bringing him to Equestria? Luna turned her attention to the void around her and wondered what a small eternity with only the image of the moon for company would do to a spirit who was used to a linear passage of time.
While she was pondering this, she heard a metallic thunk to her left and spun around frantically to see what had made the noise. She saw a strange grey pineapple rolling away from a wall that had not been there before.
“No voi perkeleen kuustoista!” Luna heard a hoarse male voice shout out behind her, right before she was tackled right off her hooves by the supposed owner of this voice. She could feel something hard dig into her side as the human forced both her body and his own through an opening in the wall, most probably a window frame. She would have ordered the human to unhand her at that instant and then wonder why the spirit was able to physically handle her without their energies mixing, or even perceive her for that matter, but the world hitting her eardrums with nail hammers rudely interrupted her. She was unceremoniously dragged to the side from the remnants of the window frame and pushed against the stone wall by the human, while she was still dazed. This human raised a significantly larger strange looking iron weapon and a series of lesser pangs of pain shot through her aching ears as the end of the weapon flashed rapidly.
“Nyt sitte o’ poneja nurkissa kyyläämässä! Ei helvetti voi olla totta, ei vittu voi…” Luna heard the human muttering, despite the tinning in her ears. This spirit still followed some of the rules, while somehow forcing her to ignore others. The human was dressed in strange garbs the colour of sand and dust, carrying his strange weapon on a strap and his uniform adorned with more pouches and pockets than any tailor in Canterlot could possibly conceive.
“What is the meaning of this?! Why have you manhandled me in such a manner?!” Luna’s immaterial body rose up and admonished the human before her conscious mind could quite catch up. That was one of the dangers of sleepwalking, your impulses could take the lead if you were not careful. The human turned one very blue and calculating eye toward her for a few seconds and Luna could see the discipline of a soldier, or a guard, in the way he sized her up. The flash of a white set of teeth spoke of a personality beyond the veil of duty, at least.
“Princess Luna, I presume?” The camouflaged human said aloud while peering through a scope on his weapon. His voice still sounded as disjointed as the other human’s, but Luna could clearly place the voice coming from the human in front of her. That meant he was manifesting his own consciousness in his own mind, which was impossible.
So, there we are, I'll come back to you whenever. I don't want to make promises I might break.
Moonspeak:
Romanian, The Smuggler:
"Come on, man! We've known each other since we were kids. You can let me go this one time!"
"I'm sorry. I have a family. You know I can't"
"In the light of the moon..."
Finnish, The Soldier:
"Oh, fucking hell!"
"Now we got ponies lurking around! This can't fucking be happening, no fucking way..."
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Yay update
Le clap.
Most interesting...So, I'm guessing the still-unnamed human was a soldier, before he was...whatever it is Luna did?
Yaaaaay human mind attack!!!
3480067
First, your picture is a-dork-able
And second... I agree... If only my favorites actually updated it
Epic update for the win.
3479963
It is, I accidentally pressed the publish button before importing the story from Google docs.
3481025
He's talking about the animals, if they don't talk back, they're food.
3482875
Most definitely. He's named after the gigantic sun-eating wolf demigod, so it is far from over.
3481108
Good, good... all according to keikaku...
3480583
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mer0ldPQtA1qafto3.jpg
I find myself sympathizing with Fenrir...and the human, especially over the ponies.
3487132
I don't know if I can be any clearer about it, but The Liar, as Fenrir came to call the brony, was playing the role he had constructed; the veteran of Nightmare Moon's war, so he thought acting all nice and brown-nosing Celestia would be more suspicious than a little animosity towards her.
His soap-boxing, as you call it, is just him pushing Celestia's buttons to get a reaction out of her, either Celestia attacking him first and making his attack count as self-defence, or to guilt her into making a decision favorable to him. He's lying through his teeth on some parts, making shit up on some and trying to manipulate her all the while, whether he's succesful, or good at it is a whole other matter.
And yes, the fact the human is a brony has taken a backseat, as the stroy went into a direction where Fenrir has no chances to gush over how cute ponies are.
3487524
I believe that constructing a role and pretending to be someone he's not was nonsensical and completely unnecessary, especially if it puts him at odds with characters such as Celestia. It only serves to make things worse now that they actually consider him to be the monster in Tartarus.
And if he was a brony, even if he wasn't a fan of the character, anyone with common sense would act with a bit of respect to the ruler of Equestria, especially if he knows the canon character from the show.
Not to mention, I understand him thinking about killing Rainbow Dash and the CMC. He was frenzied with hunger at the time. And that can also explain his inner monologues, concerning herbivore inferiority, when he's running through the forest.
But after eating the dragon and returning to normal, why is he talking to Rarity about her being weak as a herbivore? And he just sits there and thinks of various ways to kill Celestia? This is completely jarring to me when compared to how Fenrir was established in the beginning chapters. Fenrir wasn't even given a scene of introspection were he questions his strange and inhumane thoughts.
And another thing on acting disrespectful, he just got out of a fight with a dragon that left him seriously wounded. I don't understand where Fenrir gets the bright idea of acting disrespectful and egging on Celestia in his mangled state. Regardless if he wanted to get information, it would have been common sense for him to act humble if anything.
3488291
True, that would have been the smart thing to do in his situation, but I didn't think someone in his situation would have the presence of mind to make the best choice. I agree that I should have squeezed in a few scenes for Fenrir to have his existensial crisis (I do not think I spelled that right, but you know what I mean) and I might add it in somewhere at a later date, when I'm going over the story.
I believe the fact that he's sharing the body with its original owner is quite obvious at this point, so I would say the animosity against Celestia came from there. The story of him escaping Tartarus came from Fenrir's memories and the brony thought them to be fabrications of his imagination.
As for casually insulting the ponies for being inferior herbivores; he was milking the mane six for reactions, he might be a brony, but that doesn't mean he's nice, or particularly friendly.
He went to Ponyville because he wanted to see it and felt like nothing could really stop him, plus he couldn't sleep because of his hunger. Also, I think you are forgetting that the human doesn't have a name, at all. He is sharing a body with a vengeful super-wolf and he has no idea who or what he is, he is taking in the role of Fenrir whether he likes it or not, as it is the only identity he knows. That is a big part of the story, right there.
Great!
3488887
Thank you.
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Admittedly, some of these details alleviate most of my problems with chapter 4, and I wholeheartedly support the idea of writing these details into the beginning four chapters at your earliest convenience rather than leaving the reader to come up with their own ideas. I don't believe it would be best to keep details like these subtle. Looking through some of the comments, it doesn't look like I was the first reader dissatisfied with Fenrir's characterization after he came back from the frenzy. Although, his conversation with Rarity still comes off as more condescending than troll-y in my opinion.
On a separate note, you described Fenrir is not in his right mind but he had little trouble playing mind-games with Celestia at the end of chapter 4. I definitely won't be the one to complain about how it was written, but the trouble I have with the scene is of a personal biased against "chess-master" OCs, since they come off a bit god-modey to me. I'm not sure if you were intending Fenrir to come off as that or not, but I've never able to suspend my disbelief when it comes to a human manipulating someone who is over 1000 years old such as Celestia.
To be honest, some of my problems may stem from my own expectations. From the premise I was expecting the story to be similar to The Man With Two Names but with ponies having a more reasonable fear of the main protagonist and the added drama of Fenrir wrestling with his instincts and hunger.
So... how much longer till you update?
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I could give you access to the googledocs document if you want, but I usually work on this in fits and spurts, between gaming, netflix and reading other fanfiction.
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Finally, someone who's not saying "It's not clear enough!" I did give hints on it in the second chapter and his experiences are shown from either Fenrir's or the brony's perspective, so the change in inner dialoque should be obvious.
I should add the brony having doubts about being human somewhere around the third chapter, though.
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I understand completely... I sorta.... kinda... do the same thing with more gaming mixed in....
I'm sure you get a lot of stuff like this, but I have no idea what's going on. Why was the brony asking to be talking in English earlier, but his...mind...I guess...was in foreign languages?
3489145 I dislike chessmaster OCs, too.
Hm... From what I've read so far of this story... I hate the central character and have nothing constructive to say. I was looking forward to a comical scenario, a classic docile predator meeting and trying to not freak out the locals... Nope. Just brought in some mythos because the character originally gave himself the name Fenrir...
All the moonspeak is realyconfusing the stories but the dealbreaker is the maincharacter is an asshole in my opinion.
Ah hahahahahahhaaaa!
You sure you know your finnish. I think i have never seen this phrase used in literature! You have good... hmm, let's say taste... in cursing. Sure made me laugh seeing that.
Also... TERVEISIÄ SUOMESTA!!!
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Tiedät varmaan että me savolaiset ollaan maailman kieroin kansa. Se on kuule kansanperinne varmistaa että jokane kysymys jätetää vastaamamtta ja aiheutetaan mahollisimman paljon hämmennystä.