Provide a picture and you'll be garnering more views!

You need to capitalize some words; you need more commas, having Discord simply appear is dumb (especially since the current bares of the elements are still alive), you've got grammar and punctuation problems (even your summary needs work), and the dialog is kind of lame.

Good start. Needs a bit of proofreading. Doesn't bother me all that much, but there are a lot of sticklers on this site.

1041379

Good advice, also. It can be tough to find an apt picture, but if you take the time to snoop around, a lot of amateur artists, and even many experienced ones, are glad to let others use their art if you ask.

You have some repetition issues that you could fix rather easily. It would make the whole thing smoother. Anyways, not a bad start, not a happy one, hell, breaks my heart really. Still, quite interesting considering your description.

1041442 You're retarded aren't you? "having Discord simply appear is dumb (especially since the current bares of the elements are still alive)" I love how it's dumb that he doesn't follow your head cannon that was never in any way, shape, or form in the show. In fact, Discord breaks free the first time while the Elements of Harmony are all alive, as well as, the two princesses who sealed him in the first place. Discords escape, and his decision not to tell Spike how he did it, falls under information to be revealed. Do you even understand the word foreshadowing? How about plot? Hell, he does have some grammar issues, everybody does really as English is a bitch language when it comes to grammar with lots of rules and even more exceptions, but at least he can spell bearers.

1041863

You're retarded aren't you?

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Discord breaks free the first time while the Elements of Harmony are all alive

He broke free because when the Elements are transferred to Twilight Sparkle and her friends, Discord escapes from his stony prison and starts to wreak chaos. That's directly from the show. The only reason why he would break free again is if something happens to the bearers (as in, either transfer or removal of the bearer like death or something as cataclysmic.) That's right from the show and the people who work on it, so I don't know what you're having a fit about. Discord simply appearing really is stupid, and we know that Spike's going to give in anyway.

falls under information to be revealed.

Sure, it's foreshadowing, but I've read enough fics to know what the explanation probably is. Besides, you'd think that Celestia would've seen this happen again and told Twilight and her friends about it.

but at least he can spell bearers. But I'm sure the author found a roundabout explanation or something.

I did spell it right, I just used the wrong word.

Besides, this fic is badly written anyway, so I don't see why you're defending it.

1042016

But I'm sure the author found a roundabout explanation or something.

Way to quote me on something I never said.

Celestia didn't see it coming the first time, or she would of gathered them before he broke out.

Wow, characters making bad decisions, but not right away. That is a horrible concept. I mean hey, I'd just accept gifts from my greatest enemy whenever they offered too.

when the Elements are transferred to Twilight Sparkle and her friends, Discord escapes from his stony prison and starts to wreak chaos.

Now, is that from the show, or your little information tab written by your T.V. provider. Personally, I suspect professional story board writers would probably see the huge flaw in that sentence. Since Celestia had not been in tune with the Elements of Harmony for some time, and the girls became the new bearers months ago. Discord's break out is almost completely random, caused by three little girls who were the best of friends fighting in front of his statue.

I'll defend it because it's not horrible. I could use some spit and polish, sure. You on the other hand, would rather be a total tool about the whole thing, but you always are. The difference between you and me is, I would rather offer useful criticism and help the author, you would like to whine and throw them under a bus.

You need to capitalize some words; you need more commas, having Discord simply appear is dumb (especially since the current bares of the elements are still alive), you've got grammar and punctuation problems (even your summary needs work), and the dialog is kind of lame.

What words? Where would commas help? How could it be better? How could he improve the dialogue? How can you be less annoying, and actually be useful?

1042124 I appreciate the help, really i do, but if he wants to bitch let him bitch. It's no difference to me.

1042124

Way to quote me on something I never said.

Oops, my bad.

Celestia didn't see it coming the first time,

But she did bring them around when she did find out, and you'd think that after the first time he got out, there would be better warnings or security.

I'd just accept gifts from my greatest enemy whenever they offered too.

That's what's going to happen in this story, so you're in luck.

Now, is that from the show,

That's kinda what she says how he broke out when they were talking to her, so I don't see how anyone could misconstrue that (not to mention it's right from the directors mouth and on every wiki. I know wiki's aren't 100%, but since it goes along with what Lauren and what the show says, I'm incline to believe it). Besides, that was written at the same time as season one, so there it makes sense, and for all we know, it would've taken time for him to break out. Twilight and friends got the elements when they fought Nightmare, and it was only a few months that Discord got out, so he could've been gathering strength. It's canon, so there's no point in arguing about it. Unless your head canon is superior to the show, than I guess you can hang on to that.

caused by three little girls who were the best of friends fighting in front of his statue.

That was foreshadowing. You know, friends fighting each other? He was gaining strength, and that little incident was proof of it. Remember how you said some crap about head canon? Yeah, you're doing that.

would rather be a total tool about the whole thing

Hey, you're the one insulting me, and I'm the tool? Okay then.

you would like to whine and throw them under a bus.

dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png

What words?

The ones during the start of ever dialog. You know, the things in quotation marks?

Where would commas help?

The run on sentences. Just read the fic out load. it's obvious. If I were to point out every time that happens, I might as well re-write the whole thing.

How could it be better?

Everything happens in a fast pace, and it could help to slow things down a bit. I didn't feel like these characters were the ones from the show because they're introduced and then quickly dismissed, and overall, the flow is too fast paced.

How could he improve the dialogue?

By trying to retain more characteristics from the show. I couldn't tell from dialog alone if the pony that was talking was Pinkie or Twilight, and the missing capitalization didn't help in that regard either.

How can you be less annoying, and actually be useful?

Try it yourself first, then tell me.

Besides, 1042195 doesn't give a shit either way, so why do you?

1042221 Honestly, you think he wouldn't be placed in the middle of a garden open to the public. Celestia isn't quite as wise as I believe she is accredited for.

Yes foreshadowing, but it was shown as happening at the same time as the first crack. That doesn't seem coincidental at all. Now you could argue that their argument was caused by his aura/essence leaking out. Plausible, but never directly confirmed either way. Now, Celestia never really confirmed how he escaped, so we can't really say either way. Still, both are possible answers. Yes, you are. You belong to a number of groups aimed towards helping authors: constructive criticism, new writers school, ect., but you didn't offer any real help and just complained instead.

You just gave useful information, that could help the author, and all I had to do was pry it out of you. Tell me that you don't think those four questions you just answered weren't vastly more useful than your original comment.

I might have been more willing to overlook it, if I didn't see you pull this kind of shit every time you comment on something I've read. I think Dirty Sexy Pony may be the only positive comment I've ever seen from you.

I was useful, I got the author useful feedback from a source that had issue with his work. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Rainbow_dealwithit.png

1042499

you think he wouldn't be placed in the middle of a garden open to the public.

I know, right? They have tartarus, maybe they should use it.

Celestia isn't quite as wise as I believe she is accredited for.

Well duh. I guess she didn't know that he could get out after a while. I wonder where she put the statue after the second time?

and all I had to do was pry it out of you.

It happens. I needed to go somewhere, I came back to edit my comment better, and suddenly I got a guy calling me retarded. It's was a weird day.

I think Dirty Sexy Pony may be the only positive comment I've ever seen from you.

That's because it's easier to say what you don't like in something, and I think that comments that say "I like it!" with nothing to back it up are useless. I also don't like parroting what other people have said, especially if it brings nothing new. But, if you want to read more positive comments from me, look up Xenophillia , Mystery Pinkie Pie Theater 3000, and The Second Time Around (at least as far as mature stories are concerned, anyway.) to name a few.

I was useful, I got the author useful feedback from a source that had issue with his work.

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Yay‼

1042597 The only reason I suspect Tartarus is a bad idea is that it's filled with the most evil creatures of Equestria. If emotions are enough to free him, well, he'd be loose the second they walked him in. Still, a basement in the castle seems much wiser.

you spelled Rarity's name wrong in the description.

1043324 I didn't even notice that, thanks.

1043375always glad to lend a ha... hoof.

GIVE ME THE NEXT CHAPTER NOW!!!