IKnowWhatToDo
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You need to capitalize some words; you need more commas, having Discord simply appear is dumb (especially since the current bares of the elements are still alive), you've got grammar and punctuation problems (even your summary needs work), and the dialog is kind of lame.
Good start. Needs a bit of proofreading. Doesn't bother me all that much, but there are a lot of sticklers on this site.
1041379
Good advice, also. It can be tough to find an apt picture, but if you take the time to snoop around, a lot of amateur artists, and even many experienced ones, are glad to let others use their art if you ask.
You have some repetition issues that you could fix rather easily. It would make the whole thing smoother. Anyways, not a bad start, not a happy one, hell, breaks my heart really. Still, quite interesting considering your description.
1041442 You're retarded aren't you? "having Discord simply appear is dumb (especially since the current bares of the elements are still alive)" I love how it's dumb that he doesn't follow your head cannon that was never in any way, shape, or form in the show. In fact, Discord breaks free the first time while the Elements of Harmony are all alive, as well as, the two princesses who sealed him in the first place. Discords escape, and his decision not to tell Spike how he did it, falls under information to be revealed. Do you even understand the word foreshadowing? How about plot? Hell, he does have some grammar issues, everybody does really as English is a bitch language when it comes to grammar with lots of rules and even more exceptions, but at least he can spell bearers.
1041863
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He broke free because when the Elements are transferred to Twilight Sparkle and her friends, Discord escapes from his stony prison and starts to wreak chaos. That's directly from the show. The only reason why he would break free again is if something happens to the bearers (as in, either transfer or removal of the bearer like death or something as cataclysmic.) That's right from the show and the people who work on it, so I don't know what you're having a fit about. Discord simply appearing really is stupid, and we know that Spike's going to give in anyway.
Sure, it's foreshadowing, but I've read enough fics to know what the explanation probably is. Besides, you'd think that Celestia would've seen this happen again and told Twilight and her friends about it.
I did spell it right, I just used the wrong word.
Besides, this fic is badly written anyway, so I don't see why you're defending it.
1042016
Way to quote me on something I never said.
Celestia didn't see it coming the first time, or she would of gathered them before he broke out.
Wow, characters making bad decisions, but not right away. That is a horrible concept. I mean hey, I'd just accept gifts from my greatest enemy whenever they offered too.
Now, is that from the show, or your little information tab written by your T.V. provider. Personally, I suspect professional story board writers would probably see the huge flaw in that sentence. Since Celestia had not been in tune with the Elements of Harmony for some time, and the girls became the new bearers months ago. Discord's break out is almost completely random, caused by three little girls who were the best of friends fighting in front of his statue.
I'll defend it because it's not horrible. I could use some spit and polish, sure. You on the other hand, would rather be a total tool about the whole thing, but you always are. The difference between you and me is, I would rather offer useful criticism and help the author, you would like to whine and throw them under a bus.
What words? Where would commas help? How could it be better? How could he improve the dialogue? How can you be less annoying, and actually be useful?
1042124 I appreciate the help, really i do, but if he wants to bitch let him bitch. It's no difference to me.
1042124
Oops, my bad.
But she did bring them around when she did find out, and you'd think that after the first time he got out, there would be better warnings or security.
That's what's going to happen in this story, so you're in luck.
That's kinda what she says how he broke out when they were talking to her, so I don't see how anyone could misconstrue that (not to mention it's right from the directors mouth and on every wiki. I know wiki's aren't 100%, but since it goes along with what Lauren and what the show says, I'm incline to believe it). Besides, that was written at the same time as season one, so there it makes sense, and for all we know, it would've taken time for him to break out. Twilight and friends got the elements when they fought Nightmare, and it was only a few months that Discord got out, so he could've been gathering strength. It's canon, so there's no point in arguing about it. Unless your head canon is superior to the show, than I guess you can hang on to that.
That was foreshadowing. You know, friends fighting each other? He was gaining strength, and that little incident was proof of it. Remember how you said some crap about head canon? Yeah, you're doing that.
Hey, you're the one insulting me, and I'm the tool? Okay then.
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The ones during the start of ever dialog. You know, the things in quotation marks?
The run on sentences. Just read the fic out load. it's obvious. If I were to point out every time that happens, I might as well re-write the whole thing.
Everything happens in a fast pace, and it could help to slow things down a bit. I didn't feel like these characters were the ones from the show because they're introduced and then quickly dismissed, and overall, the flow is too fast paced.
By trying to retain more characteristics from the show. I couldn't tell from dialog alone if the pony that was talking was Pinkie or Twilight, and the missing capitalization didn't help in that regard either.
Try it yourself first, then tell me.
Besides, 1042195 doesn't give a shit either way, so why do you?
1042221 Honestly, you think he wouldn't be placed in the middle of a garden open to the public. Celestia isn't quite as wise as I believe she is accredited for.
Yes foreshadowing, but it was shown as happening at the same time as the first crack. That doesn't seem coincidental at all. Now you could argue that their argument was caused by his aura/essence leaking out. Plausible, but never directly confirmed either way. Now, Celestia never really confirmed how he escaped, so we can't really say either way. Still, both are possible answers. Yes, you are. You belong to a number of groups aimed towards helping authors: constructive criticism, new writers school, ect., but you didn't offer any real help and just complained instead.
You just gave useful information, that could help the author, and all I had to do was pry it out of you. Tell me that you don't think those four questions you just answered weren't vastly more useful than your original comment.
I might have been more willing to overlook it, if I didn't see you pull this kind of shit every time you comment on something I've read. I think Dirty Sexy Pony may be the only positive comment I've ever seen from you.
I was useful, I got the author useful feedback from a source that had issue with his work.
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1042499
I know, right? They have tartarus, maybe they should use it.
Well duh. I guess she didn't know that he could get out after a while. I wonder where she put the statue after the second time?
It happens. I needed to go somewhere, I came back to edit my comment better, and suddenly I got a guy calling me retarded. It's was a weird day.
That's because it's easier to say what you don't like in something, and I think that comments that say "I like it!" with nothing to back it up are useless. I also don't like parroting what other people have said, especially if it brings nothing new. But, if you want to read more positive comments from me, look up Xenophillia , Mystery Pinkie Pie Theater 3000, and The Second Time Around (at least as far as mature stories are concerned, anyway.) to name a few.
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSJZMjAxMi8wNy8zMC8wMl8zMV80M180NDlfNjEzMjhfX3R3aWxpZ2h0X3NwYXJrbGVfc3Bpa2VfYW5pbWF0ZWRfdGhlX3JldHVybl9vZl9oYXJtb255BjoGRVQ/61328__safe_twilight-sparkle_spike_animated_the-return-of-harmony.gif
Yay‼
1042597 The only reason I suspect Tartarus is a bad idea is that it's filled with the most evil creatures of Equestria. If emotions are enough to free him, well, he'd be loose the second they walked him in. Still, a basement in the castle seems much wiser.
you spelled Rarity's name wrong in the description.
1043324 I didn't even notice that, thanks.
1043375always glad to lend a ha... hoof.
GIVE ME THE NEXT CHAPTER NOW!!!
first!
Never eat questionable items given to you by gods promising your dreams to come true. Only two things happen happiness followed with a slow decent into madness.
Spike ain't too smart in this one, is he? Lookin' forward to the next update.
I find this relevant to my interests
I want him to end up with Rarity but lets start him off with ........ RAINBOW DASH!
I'm wanna vote to spike x celestia or cadence or chrysalis
1135415
Him rd x spike sounds pretty cool
1135555 How about all three hmmm.
The Great and Powerful Trixie. I've been itching to see them shipped for some time now.
Fluttershy, I've heard that ship exist but I haven't seen it yet.
Luna, Cause they get along so very well in so many fics.
Granny Smith... only for the WTF factor. ( If you need a comedy chapter)
Twist because you asked for suggestions and I like giving a lot of weird answers.
Mrs. SmartyPants doll ( you said female, you didn't say they had to be alive!)
1135578 Forget all three, toss in Luna and go with all 4.
1135848 I was thinking Fluttershy myself, but only because he's at her cottage. I'm still leaving this in the hands of the viewers though.
1135868 I just might have to do that.
Any of the CMC will do.
Luna
Shy
Pinkie
trixie
Trixie. that is all.
rainbow dash
vinyl scratch and octavia they need love to
trixie
Voting will conclude by 12:00 AM Tomorrow. That is all.
hmm id say twilight since they have been together for so long lol
Well, I see that voting has concluded... Shame that, because one character came to mind way after I suggested all that from earlier.
Matilda, you know the donkey... And as to why that one came to mind? Shrek. Because that movie showed us that Donkeys and Dragons can get together, So I can't see why Ponies and Dragons can't.
Fluttershy because she she wil what to repay
+
YEAH
Dayum. Spike be gettin' all da Mares. Dawg.
Applejack is not amused. I AM NOT RACIST! SORREH'.
Curses! I skimmed the votes on the previous chapter here on FiMfiction and started this chapter hoping to see one of my most anticipated ships take place, only to be disappointed. Oh well, I can't complain, FlutterSpike is good too. And Spike got to fight timberwolves!
I wonder what's going on in Rarity's mind right now.
God damn thats gotta hurt, in all honesty he should be near dead right now, but still, continue
GET ON WITH IT!
1216600 Well what's your favorite shipping?
1220148 TrixieSpike, of course!
1220539 Where can I find a TrixiexSpike?.... I've been looking all OVER!!!!!
1220643 Dealt a Bad Hoof is probably the first TrixiexSpike stories ever written, and a darn good story to boot.
And TrixieSpike is not an example of great writing, but it's still a ship between the two and has a pretty neat twist in the third chapter.
I’m not lying when I say it took all five of them to stabilize him. Don't talk to your readers in the story like that.
I liked the chapter and the action scene. The damage seemed realistic, so that's good. Fluttershy was well written and having her stay there due to his injuries makes a lot of sense.
Rarity is just... agitating. Fluttershy's train of thought on that is dead on. Of course, if you're using all this like I think you are, kudos.
Discord my man you have started an orgy.