Over 5 chapters, and have the cutest little foal with scary shining eyes… yup added to my read later list.
Expect me to tear you into pieces trough kindness and nitpicks, especially since you are a new non native writer and English is like the worst thing ever.
9405037 I fully welcome all the nitpicks and points! I have some help, but there's always something slipping past the cracks. Always. I found one of those couple days ago.
Hopefully we'll get next chapter soon, we getting the foals name!
9416677 Whew this was again quite a bit - I'll be fixing most stuff now! Couple important things again:
- Foals gender isn't going to be revealed. Jackpot doesn't care enough to make the distinction, and it's going to be bit of a running gag (which is really kicking off once we get our final party member). It's a nod to one of my favorite Finnish horror movies, where the most innocent of the cast (a child who didn't speak much) had ambiguous gender, which was only revealed at the very end. So lil fella is going to be called "They" by our main character, while others use different pronouns. You're free to use whichever you yourself wish! - Their name also is chosen on chapter 5 finally, I would've loved to reveal it sooner but the way it was going to be chosen was set in stone before I wrote the first chapter. In hindsight I prolly should've tightened the chapters bit more to make that happen faster. - Agreed, shoulda combined the two chapters. Later chapters are done in better format (I basically wrote down until I figured out it was good time to stop before, now I make rough outline on what all I want to happen in chapter before writing.) - Babbu will not come to harm unless it fits the plot and other characters haven't been hit with idiot stick (aka, if I got no other characters to realistically take the hit for lil one). Well, not on the course of the story, who knows what they were doing before this, and what will happen between last chapter and epilogue. - WHAM was bolded already - did it not show up, or did ya mean I should've made the text size bigger as well?
9417732 Huh, I am usually not one for missing details, but yea WHAM is actually bolded now that I look at it again... I guess my brain skipped that part with how it is written in all caps. Up to you thou if you want to make the letters just a tiny bit larger, like a single size or two, not anything more than that, so they stand out more.
9419938 Yep, Jackpot is min maxed into STR, END and LCK. Everything else is below average/bad - I wanted ultimate brawler / heavy build for this fics main, he's a big guy and it shows. Funnily enough this build is my least favorite to play, which explains why I struggle with the fight scenes (reason why Chapter 7, which is in works, had massive delay. Freaking unarmed brawlers.).
Lil foal is also min maxed - they're maxed into PER and AGI, with heavy focus on stealth and magic. This is based on my favorite play through on FO4, minus the magic.
And our newest member Wanderlust is based on my normal play-style. Long distance, stealth when I can. And I won't lie, the team will have one more member. Won't tell who, what, when, where, just that the team is team of 4. The cover is going to be updated when that happens~ I actually update the cover each time something major happens in the fic. New scar, new member, lost member, etc.
Agh, look at me ramble. I'll be quiet now!
- Will be working on easiest errors to fix right away, rewriting some parts ya pointed out once I'm done with my paying work and can actually focus bit more. - Jackpot would make the excuse of 'these folks need treatment first, I have no time to loot'. I would say you are correct, he is blind as a bat and I WILL make fun of that whenever I can.
Remind me to send you link to the newest chapter once you get chap 5 done, 6 is finished but I'm waiting on some feedback before publishing.
Now... I have not really taken it up before, but you have a bad habit of repeating yourself. Often is it not that bad, you do just state some facts multiple times, but I would like for you to take a look at this paragraph for me. When looking at it closely is it almost exactly the same as the one two paragraphs earlier, just with some extra details on top. Its really important that you go trough your text and find stuff like that, and one of the best tricks that I know to catch such mistakes is to speak the text out loud. When we read does the brain work in a weird way and skips a lot of info, and it is even worse when it is something we have written since our brain knows what should be there, but when we read out loud do we focus on what there actually are there. My girlfriend are dyslexic, and it is one of the best tricks that she knows when she have to write for school and such.
Welp, seems like we have gone out of the frying pan and into the fire. Why is it that nothing ever goes right when it comes to slavers? As for those big crates that they are tagging along do I sure hope that they are using trebuchets. Some may say that they are an outdated weapon, but a weapon that dosn't use any gunpowder to launch explosives over long distances... I mean look at this, they are still used today
Nitpicks: "one where I could do nothing. Not unless the enemy got close. " Combine "Couldn't do anything unless the enemy got close." "Apparently being pinned down like this by sniper-fire was not okay" I don't think that it is ever okay "She was pointing that bat right at my nose" The or her " as the mare composed of only rage and the need to bash some skulls in descended upon them screaming her lungs out" You said this in the line before, no need to repeat it. "most likely because of how stunned they were" Delete "it was colored in deep red" Most English speakers calls it crimson red "Everyone had gotten back to the town safely" I would use "we" here, Jackpot is part of the group after all. Beside that would I show don't tell. Make them walk between each other, someone calling out that no one, beside the dude that can't walk, is majorly hurt. "Everyone had gotten back to the town safely" I would put "as well" on the end of this sentence to connect it better to the one earlier on. "I rose up, nudging the foal towards Classic a bit" Delete "With small smile, I turned around, and started to head towards the bar" Missing an a, and there are really no need for the commas in this sentence. "My job dropped down" Pretty sure that it should have been jaw "waving hoof a bit in the air." her hoof around in the air. "I sighed a bit, sitting down." I sighed and sat down. Can insert "shaking my head" as well if you like "not with me on the constant move for now" delete " pulled piece of rubble behind me, as per instructed." missing an a "robes that covered rest of his grayish coat." Missing a the "the unicorn spoke in nearly oily voice" I think that the word you were looking for were "slick" "But certainly scars on my face clearly made by something with talons" Delete
Over 5 chapters, and have the cutest little foal with scary shining eyes… yup added to my read later list.
Expect me to tear you into pieces trough kindness and nitpicks, especially since you are a new non native writer and English is like the worst thing ever.
9405037
I fully welcome all the nitpicks and points! I have some help, but there's always something slipping past the cracks. Always. I found one of those couple days ago.
Hopefully we'll get next chapter soon, we getting the foals name!
9416677
Whew this was again quite a bit - I'll be fixing most stuff now! Couple important things again:
- Foals gender isn't going to be revealed. Jackpot doesn't care enough to make the distinction, and it's going to be bit of a running gag (which is really kicking off once we get our final party member). It's a nod to one of my favorite Finnish horror movies, where the most innocent of the cast (a child who didn't speak much) had ambiguous gender, which was only revealed at the very end. So lil fella is going to be called "They" by our main character, while others use different pronouns. You're free to use whichever you yourself wish!
- Their name also is chosen on chapter 5 finally, I would've loved to reveal it sooner but the way it was going to be chosen was set in stone before I wrote the first chapter. In hindsight I prolly should've tightened the chapters bit more to make that happen faster.
- Agreed, shoulda combined the two chapters. Later chapters are done in better format (I basically wrote down until I figured out it was good time to stop before, now I make rough outline on what all I want to happen in chapter before writing.)
- Babbu will not come to harm unless it fits the plot and other characters haven't been hit with idiot stick (aka, if I got no other characters to realistically take the hit for lil one). Well, not on the course of the story, who knows what they were doing before this, and what will happen between last chapter and epilogue.
- WHAM was bolded already - did it not show up, or did ya mean I should've made the text size bigger as well?
9417732
Huh, I am usually not one for missing details, but yea WHAM is actually bolded now that I look at it again... I guess my brain skipped that part with how it is written in all caps. Up to you thou if you want to make the letters just a tiny bit larger, like a single size or two, not anything more than that, so they stand out more.
9417937
I could just add that into the custom art things to make, make some fancy SFX looking thing.
9419938
Yep, Jackpot is min maxed into STR, END and LCK. Everything else is below average/bad - I wanted ultimate brawler / heavy build for this fics main, he's a big guy and it shows. Funnily enough this build is my least favorite to play, which explains why I struggle with the fight scenes (reason why Chapter 7, which is in works, had massive delay. Freaking unarmed brawlers.).
Lil foal is also min maxed - they're maxed into PER and AGI, with heavy focus on stealth and magic. This is based on my favorite play through on FO4, minus the magic.
And our newest member Wanderlust is based on my normal play-style. Long distance, stealth when I can. And I won't lie, the team will have one more member. Won't tell who, what, when, where, just that the team is team of 4. The cover is going to be updated when that happens~ I actually update the cover each time something major happens in the fic. New scar, new member, lost member, etc.
Agh, look at me ramble. I'll be quiet now!
- Will be working on easiest errors to fix right away, rewriting some parts ya pointed out once I'm done with my paying work and can actually focus bit more.
- Jackpot would make the excuse of 'these folks need treatment first, I have no time to loot'. I would say you are correct, he is blind as a bat and I WILL make fun of that whenever I can.
Remind me to send you link to the newest chapter once you get chap 5 done, 6 is finished but I'm waiting on some feedback before publishing.
Now... I have not really taken it up before, but you have a bad habit of repeating yourself. Often is it not that bad, you do just state some facts multiple times, but I would like for you to take a look at this paragraph for me. When looking at it closely is it almost exactly the same as the one two paragraphs earlier, just with some extra details on top. Its really important that you go trough your text and find stuff like that, and one of the best tricks that I know to catch such mistakes is to speak the text out loud. When we read does the brain work in a weird way and skips a lot of info, and it is even worse when it is something we have written since our brain knows what should be there, but when we read out loud do we focus on what there actually are there. My girlfriend are dyslexic, and it is one of the best tricks that she knows when she have to write for school and such.
Welp, seems like we have gone out of the frying pan and into the fire. Why is it that nothing ever goes right when it comes to slavers?
As for those big crates that they are tagging along do I sure hope that they are using trebuchets. Some may say that they are an outdated weapon, but a weapon that dosn't use any gunpowder to launch explosives over long distances... I mean look at this, they are still used today
Nitpicks:
"one where I could do nothing. Not unless the enemy got close. " Combine "Couldn't do anything unless the enemy got close."
"Apparently being pinned down like this by sniper-fire was not okay" I don't think that it is ever okay
"She was pointing that bat right at my nose" The or her
" as the mare composed of only rage and the need to bash some skulls in descended upon them screaming her lungs out" You said this in the line before, no need to repeat it.
"most likely because of how stunned they were" Delete
"it was colored in deep red" Most English speakers calls it crimson red
"Everyone had gotten back to the town safely" I would use "we" here, Jackpot is part of the group after all. Beside that would I show don't tell. Make them walk between each other, someone calling out that no one, beside the dude that can't walk, is majorly hurt.
"Everyone had gotten back to the town safely" I would put "as well" on the end of this sentence to connect it better to the one earlier on.
"I rose up, nudging the foal towards Classic a bit" Delete
"With small smile, I turned around, and started to head towards the bar" Missing an a, and there are really no need for the commas in this sentence.
"My job dropped down" Pretty sure that it should have been jaw
"waving hoof a bit in the air." her hoof around in the air.
"I sighed a bit, sitting down." I sighed and sat down. Can insert "shaking my head" as well if you like
"not with me on the constant move for now" delete
" pulled piece of rubble behind me, as per instructed." missing an a
"robes that covered rest of his grayish coat." Missing a the
"the unicorn spoke in nearly oily voice" I think that the word you were looking for were "slick"
"But certainly scars on my face clearly made by something with talons" Delete
This shows potential, I hope you keep at it!
9493839
Heya! Thanks, I've been bit slow lately - but I got chapter 7 in works so that's good! I should add the chapter 6 already, haha-
9494376
Good to hear 👌