9393419 Thanks mate! I'm hooked on writing this myself, so new chapters will be coming as regularly as my commission works lets me write! There is a lot to come in this story that is for sure~
Seems like we have finally gathered the whole group and are ready to head out into the Wasteland for some proper adventures! Ohh and that perseption isn't Jackpots strong side with how much loot he leaves behind.
Nitpicks: "I had spotted the sniper’s roost from a distance," made me giggle, but they have a nest. "those two bumble-heads hadn't noticed me yet" The. Those would only work if the story was in present tense. " And I had jumped to the side just in time, the second shot hitting where I had just been standing." I think that the scene would work better if you shortened this sentence and combined it with the last one. My main point is that there are no need to say that he jumped twice. "but the sniper was the bigger threat for me right now." Biggest "I could feel few bruises forming under my barding, spots where the sniper had hit - Steel’s outfit had stopped the major damage however." There are something about this sentence that I don't like, but I can't point my finger at it... I want to say that it is showing and not telling, but that would not be it... "I placed one back hoof against the support that seemed the strongest" Hind is a more commonly used word for the back pair of legs/hoofs " feeling the wood break under my hooves again during the kick" I would say "the second" here to just simplefy the sentence "I noticed the now collapsed sniper’s roost shifting a bit" nest. ", I only thought about giving the bat" I think you lost me here. "shaking head slightly before getting up closer." Missing a "my" here "
A nice amount of chapters, some interesting plot hooks, a thick accent, a killer cover and a interesting plot. Really liking this one.
9393419
Thanks mate! I'm hooked on writing this myself, so new chapters will be coming as regularly as my commission works lets me write! There is a lot to come in this story that is for sure~
Seems like we have finally gathered the whole group and are ready to head out into the Wasteland for some proper adventures! Ohh and that perseption isn't Jackpots strong side with how much loot he leaves behind.
Nitpicks:
"I had spotted the sniper’s roost from a distance," made me giggle, but they have a nest.
"those two bumble-heads hadn't noticed me yet" The. Those would only work if the story was in present tense.
" And I had jumped to the side just in time, the second shot hitting where I had just been standing." I think that the scene would work better if you shortened this sentence and combined it with the last one. My main point is that there are no need to say that he jumped twice.
"but the sniper was the bigger threat for me right now." Biggest
"I could feel few bruises forming under my barding, spots where the sniper had hit - Steel’s outfit had stopped the major damage however." There are something about this sentence that I don't like, but I can't point my finger at it... I want to say that it is showing and not telling, but that would not be it...
"I placed one back hoof against the support that seemed the strongest" Hind is a more commonly used word for the back pair of legs/hoofs
" feeling the wood break under my hooves again during the kick" I would say "the second" here to just simplefy the sentence
"I noticed the now collapsed sniper’s roost shifting a bit" nest.
", I only thought about giving the bat" I think you lost me here.
"shaking head slightly before getting up closer." Missing a "my" here
"