DogiCrimson
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A nice amount of chapters, some interesting plot hooks, a thick accent, a killer cover and a interesting plot. Really liking this one.
9393419
Thanks mate! I'm hooked on writing this myself, so new chapters will be coming as regularly as my commission works lets me write! There is a lot to come in this story that is for sure~
Over 5 chapters, and have the cutest little foal with scary shining eyes… yup added to my read later list.
Expect me to tear you into pieces trough kindness and nitpicks, especially since you are a new non native writer and English is like the worst thing ever.
9405037
I fully welcome all the nitpicks and points! I have some help, but there's always something slipping past the cracks. Always. I found one of those couple days ago.
Hopefully we'll get next chapter soon, we getting the foals name!
What a peculiar name for a story, "stone blood". I wonder if the science behind the scent will have any meaning, especially when one think about that the scent mostly comes from virus and bacteria being thrown up into ones nose, and in a radioactive wasteland would that not at all be a pleasant experience at all.
So seeing as you are an artist, you said yourself that you made your cover picture, would I like to comment on the picture in the chapter. When one use a picture like that should it draw the watcher to it, and it is simply too small to be eyecatchy. If you want any wow factor should the picture at least be twice the size, or four times if we are getting technical. It does not matter how detailed the pic are, and if some pixels gets blown up a bit, size matters and you do only get one change to make a first impression, so make it count with the most eye catchy thing that have ever caught ones eyes!
Short but sweet, and I must say that you have me intrigued. Its not often that we get a blind introduction to our main character like this, but enough details are shown with all that fumbling around that we get a good picture of what there are going on. And we do not get any "My tail is X color, and my fur is Y color, and my eyes is Z color and i am all pretty" as so many other intro chapters sadly does. What the frick does a characters looks have to do with anything when we don't even know the personality of the character yet? Sorry... while I like a lot of cliches do I have a serious gripe with that one and it makes me get flash backs to school with my teacher clicking her tongue at me for using such introductions.
As you will see in the nitpick section do you have some mistakes with the finer aspects of the devils tongue known as English, but then again have I seen more grammar mistakes with native writers, so don't sweat it. My best advice would be to get a pre-reader/editor. While it is good to be flawless does it often take too much work, and with how you clearly knows how to write, doing a lot of showing instead of telling and so on, should you really not worry too much about it. Just let the words flow free as you are doing right now, and find a person to help polish your writing afterwards.
Nitpicks:
" a small comfort in the otherwise pool of things that made me a dead stallion walking." Seems to me that you are missing a descriptor here.
"But was I willing to risk my health for that?" "To be" is a real bitch, and as a Dane is it one of the biggest problems that I have with English since we only have one single word for it all instead of the half dozen that English have... But back to the nitpick, when in past tense should it be "were"
So one of the lovely cliches with FoE are their linebreaks, and a double line that you have made looks more than a typo than anything else. Most other people center a combination of signs, and have a love of the "*" sign. Being an artist would I highly suggest that you make some neat custom art to throw in there. LINKY to inspiration of what another writer/artist have done
"even if I wanted to." Missing a "had"
"happiest times" Just happy
"Even while walking forwards" Remove the s,
"No, don't think about what happened next. Don't think of the attack" Most other FoE writers uses italic to show inner monologue/thoughts
" I couldn't hear or see anything alive in here," there
"but then again my senses weren't their best right now." You are mixing your tenses here, so use "back then" instead of "right now"
"I walked forward in the shelter" I would use "explored" here instead
9410747
Oh wow, thank you for this long comment, I read it over twice by now and I'm sure to return it few more times on upcoming chapters. Now on to the reply itself:
I chose title Petrichor because of what the scent itself symbolizes for me - which is not something I can put into just couple words. Rain cleans away filth, and the air, even if it's displeasure to witness. The scent after is basically symbol for me that the "filth" have been washed off, and only the scent lingers as something new and better is coming.
As for cover-arts, I agree. These were made as thumbnails for another site, and that was the largest I could make them. I'll most likely re-do all the pictures at my free time now that you've pointed it out though, just bit of elbow grease into it. My biggest worry is giving away too much with each header image if I go bigger and flashier... Guess it's a worry for when I get there.
And for the editor, I do have one. I forwarded your critique and pointers to her as well, and I'm going to do the real quick fixes right now (I'm waiting on her feedback on what she thinks, as she has been in writing much longer and is native talker). Oh, and:
- Custom art was awesome idea, on it!
- Happiest times was a mistake, it should've been happier (since life wasn't perfect even then), thanks for noticing it!
- I don't know how I kept missing the past and present switches, thanks for pointing 'em out. That's usually something I'm very precise about.
Not the longest of chapters, especially compared to FoE standards, but a fitting chapter none the less. I must admit that I had not expected to meet such a strong accent in our main character, accents are hard to keep up even for native speakers, so with you being a non native one is it quite some feat that you are pulling off. Sure they ain't talking much by now, but I appriciate the extra touch.
Not so much to say on this chapter since it is a short one and there dosn't happen so much in it, but I would still take the time to say that I like where this is going.
PS: If you are going to hurt that little foal for sadness factor am I going to bitch and moan and complain and complain and moan and bitch some more!
Nitpick:
" Something had been dabbing them." While this is not wrong would "cleaned" properly be a better wordchoice
"Cold, wet, yet oddly soft item, that had swiped across my eyelids " I would delete all of this, the description does not really ad anything
"that had about as startled a look as I felt myself" I would say "looked as startled as I felt"
"This was a foal." This feels so impersonal, I would properly reveal the gender here. Pony faces are pretty different from gender to gender in the show after all
" That and it had kept me warmer during my sleep" Delete since you have already said that
"making heart-breakingly sad but understanding face" missing an a
While enough new stuff happens for this to feel like a chapter, must I admit that I think that it would work better if combined with the earlier one for a better plot flow. The last chapter does even end with a name suggestion, and this one start with one, so the plot have clearly not moved far between the two chapters. Looking at how this chapter end, and comparing it to the last one, does this ones end feel more like a proper beginning to Jackpots character arc as well. I hope that you get what I am trying to say, its been a long day at work by now and by now am I not the sharpest spoon in the drawer.
Nitpicks:
" still good couple feet away from where me and my little friend were." Lacking an a here.
"The sickly yellow earth pony mare yelling at the deep red brown stallion" English is weird, and since you haven't described the ponies should you use "a" instead of "the"
"her attack not coming even close to coming in contact with me. " could easily be shortened to "coming close" for a smoother sentence structure
"The yellow mare looked down at her comrade before looking up at me" You are missing a space before this line.
" Instead I heard a skid below me - and realized that the mare had slid below me" repetition is never a good thing in literature, so changing one of the words would improve the structure
"WHAM" I would suggest to make the text bold, while capital letters have a good impact does bold letters have an even bigger impact.
" dropping down into a pile of old trash cans with delightful clangs" I would put "a series of" in here
9416677
Whew this was again quite a bit - I'll be fixing most stuff now! Couple important things again:
- Foals gender isn't going to be revealed. Jackpot doesn't care enough to make the distinction, and it's going to be bit of a running gag (which is really kicking off once we get our final party member). It's a nod to one of my favorite Finnish horror movies, where the most innocent of the cast (a child who didn't speak much) had ambiguous gender, which was only revealed at the very end. So lil fella is going to be called "They" by our main character, while others use different pronouns. You're free to use whichever you yourself wish!
- Their name also is chosen on chapter 5 finally, I would've loved to reveal it sooner but the way it was going to be chosen was set in stone before I wrote the first chapter. In hindsight I prolly should've tightened the chapters bit more to make that happen faster.
- Agreed, shoulda combined the two chapters. Later chapters are done in better format (I basically wrote down until I figured out it was good time to stop before, now I make rough outline on what all I want to happen in chapter before writing.)
- Babbu will not come to harm unless it fits the plot and other characters haven't been hit with idiot stick (aka, if I got no other characters to realistically take the hit for lil one). Well, not on the course of the story, who knows what they were doing before this, and what will happen between last chapter and epilogue.
- WHAM was bolded already - did it not show up, or did ya mean I should've made the text size bigger as well?
9417732
Huh, I am usually not one for missing details, but yea WHAM is actually bolded now that I look at it again... I guess my brain skipped that part with how it is written in all caps. Up to you thou if you want to make the letters just a tiny bit larger, like a single size or two, not anything more than that, so they stand out more.
9417937
I could just add that into the custom art things to make, make some fancy SFX looking thing.
It sure seems like someone have dumped all of his stats into strength, able to have two ponies… okay one and a half riding on his back and then dragging another one as well. I really wish that the looted power hoof thingies had fit, he would have sent people flying for miles with those things! heck, pull them along until someone can sell him enough socks to wear until they fit and he would be golden!
I have been LARPing for more than a decade, and one of the most frightning thing that I have ever met is people that can keep a straight face, not showing any emotions at all, when they start talking about what world of hurt they are gonna introduce one to... I like to one up them thou, speak all nice and friendly with my captives, all goody goody like... While laying out my set of wrought iron cutlery, telling them fun facts about the body, how much presure that a fork need to penetrate skin, how deep I need to push it to reach their organs, poke them with my knife at their main arteries and tell them how long it would take for them to bleed out... And my favorite the spoon… Me taking it up, placing it softly against their nose, and tell them about how one can remove an eyeball. Remember, all in the most jovial manner, often interrupting myself with worse and worse details and anecdotes, letting them create the worst pictures in their own brain and seeing them getting goosebumps, even if we both know that it is acting and fake.
Nitpicks:
"---" While this is a nice way to seperate a chapter up into parts would it be nicer still if it was centered on the screen
"and the little unicorn looked up at me with questioning look" I would use "eyes" here instead
" a clear indication that he didn't think I'd survive too long." First real case of "show don't tell", let him shake his head instead as he goes away, muttering about wasted goods or something.
Seems like we have finally gathered the whole group and are ready to head out into the Wasteland for some proper adventures! Ohh and that perseption isn't Jackpots strong side with how much loot he leaves behind.
Nitpicks:
"I had spotted the sniper’s roost from a distance," made me giggle, but they have a nest.
"those two bumble-heads hadn't noticed me yet" The. Those would only work if the story was in present tense.
" And I had jumped to the side just in time, the second shot hitting where I had just been standing." I think that the scene would work better if you shortened this sentence and combined it with the last one. My main point is that there are no need to say that he jumped twice.
"but the sniper was the bigger threat for me right now." Biggest
"I could feel few bruises forming under my barding, spots where the sniper had hit - Steel’s outfit had stopped the major damage however." There are something about this sentence that I don't like, but I can't point my finger at it... I want to say that it is showing and not telling, but that would not be it...
"I placed one back hoof against the support that seemed the strongest" Hind is a more commonly used word for the back pair of legs/hoofs
" feeling the wood break under my hooves again during the kick" I would say "the second" here to just simplefy the sentence
"I noticed the now collapsed sniper’s roost shifting a bit" nest.
", I only thought about giving the bat" I think you lost me here.
"shaking head slightly before getting up closer." Missing a "my" here
"
9419938
Yep, Jackpot is min maxed into STR, END and LCK. Everything else is below average/bad - I wanted ultimate brawler / heavy build for this fics main, he's a big guy and it shows. Funnily enough this build is my least favorite to play, which explains why I struggle with the fight scenes (reason why Chapter 7, which is in works, had massive delay. Freaking unarmed brawlers.).
Lil foal is also min maxed - they're maxed into PER and AGI, with heavy focus on stealth and magic. This is based on my favorite play through on FO4, minus the magic.
And our newest member Wanderlust is based on my normal play-style. Long distance, stealth when I can. And I won't lie, the team will have one more member. Won't tell who, what, when, where, just that the team is team of 4. The cover is going to be updated when that happens~ I actually update the cover each time something major happens in the fic. New scar, new member, lost member, etc.
Agh, look at me ramble. I'll be quiet now!
- Will be working on easiest errors to fix right away, rewriting some parts ya pointed out once I'm done with my paying work and can actually focus bit more.
- Jackpot would make the excuse of 'these folks need treatment first, I have no time to loot'. I would say you are correct, he is blind as a bat and I WILL make fun of that whenever I can.
Remind me to send you link to the newest chapter once you get chap 5 done, 6 is finished but I'm waiting on some feedback before publishing.
Now... I have not really taken it up before, but you have a bad habit of repeating yourself. Often is it not that bad, you do just state some facts multiple times, but I would like for you to take a look at this paragraph for me. When looking at it closely is it almost exactly the same as the one two paragraphs earlier, just with some extra details on top. Its really important that you go trough your text and find stuff like that, and one of the best tricks that I know to catch such mistakes is to speak the text out loud. When we read does the brain work in a weird way and skips a lot of info, and it is even worse when it is something we have written since our brain knows what should be there, but when we read out loud do we focus on what there actually are there. My girlfriend are dyslexic, and it is one of the best tricks that she knows when she have to write for school and such.
Welp, seems like we have gone out of the frying pan and into the fire. Why is it that nothing ever goes right when it comes to slavers?
As for those big crates that they are tagging along do I sure hope that they are using trebuchets. Some may say that they are an outdated weapon, but a weapon that dosn't use any gunpowder to launch explosives over long distances... I mean look at this, they are still used today
Nitpicks:
"one where I could do nothing. Not unless the enemy got close. " Combine "Couldn't do anything unless the enemy got close."
"Apparently being pinned down like this by sniper-fire was not okay" I don't think that it is ever okay
"She was pointing that bat right at my nose" The or her
" as the mare composed of only rage and the need to bash some skulls in descended upon them screaming her lungs out" You said this in the line before, no need to repeat it.
"most likely because of how stunned they were" Delete
"it was colored in deep red" Most English speakers calls it crimson red
"Everyone had gotten back to the town safely" I would use "we" here, Jackpot is part of the group after all. Beside that would I show don't tell. Make them walk between each other, someone calling out that no one, beside the dude that can't walk, is majorly hurt.
"Everyone had gotten back to the town safely" I would put "as well" on the end of this sentence to connect it better to the one earlier on.
"I rose up, nudging the foal towards Classic a bit" Delete
"With small smile, I turned around, and started to head towards the bar" Missing an a, and there are really no need for the commas in this sentence.
"My job dropped down" Pretty sure that it should have been jaw
"waving hoof a bit in the air." her hoof around in the air.
"I sighed a bit, sitting down." I sighed and sat down. Can insert "shaking my head" as well if you like
"not with me on the constant move for now" delete
" pulled piece of rubble behind me, as per instructed." missing an a
"robes that covered rest of his grayish coat." Missing a the
"the unicorn spoke in nearly oily voice" I think that the word you were looking for were "slick"
"But certainly scars on my face clearly made by something with talons" Delete
This shows potential, I hope you keep at it!
9493839
Heya! Thanks, I've been bit slow lately - but I got chapter 7 in works so that's good! I should add the chapter 6 already, haha-
9494376
Good to hear 👌
Welp... I had promised to pre-read this chapter, but never came around to do it because life is a bitch at times, so I am sorry for keeping this chapter up, both to my fellow readers, as well as to you DogiCrimson. But anyway, ha, first comment!
So reading that first segment did I really notice your level of detail, its not often that FoE stories mentions ear movement unless it is in your face with a character being scared or showing shame. But flickering ears to really show the readers the chaos of sounds is one of the many small details that I love about this story.
Nitpicks:
"There was Grandpa Bucket" Linebreak mistake
"already starting to aim towards the door when familiar figures trotted in." Missing an a
""I couldn't help but laugh a bit" Linebreak mistake
"they all seemed so.. small." missing a period
""We can't go in Barn Sour’s direction" Linebreak mistake
" At that I took quick look down at the foal curled up against my side. " Missing an a
"Finally I just sighed" Linebreak mistake
"We could see the ruins of one of the before war cities" While not wrong, is the more common term "pre-war"
9501483
Should have all fixed - though I was under impression that plural-words ( familiar figures) don't have a or an? Or is it different when there's adjective in front of the word?
Funny thing is I started to work with horses once a week not too long ago, and I've spent my time trying to study 'em since my job is to draw their new name tags for the stable-doors. It's quite fun to watch how they interact!
9501923
Derp, I did not notice that the word was in plural, so my bad
Hayseed is so adorable!
Why you no update! I need myself a new chapther already!