Damon Castiel was brewing a potion in his cauldron in his castle tower room. The Master, the owner of the castle and his teacher was currently on a quest for new potion ingredients and spells. Damon wanted to surprise him when he'd returned so he quickly looked into his book of spells and found the perfect thing.
"The Master will be pleased at how well my potionmaking skills have improved." he added more ingredients into the cauldron. He then looked into his book and chanted out the spell but as he was chanting he thought of his past.
Damon was but ten years old when he was chosen to be The Master's apprentice. He saw potential in the boy and taught him everything he knew. But as he was accelerating in his studies, his mentor kept pushing him to do more to the point he restored to using dark magic. A great change had happen to him and others had noticed it too mainly his parents and his childhood friend.
Damon was best friends with the daughter of his next door neighbors and they did everything together, making them a great team. Both of them were gifted in magic and had always used their powers for good that is until he accepted The Master's apprenticeship and began to use his for evil. Needless to say, his friend didn't like the change and ended their relationship. This sent him over the edge making him devote his time to his master while turning his back on the world. He hasn't seen his family in over five years now and he was fine with that.
He was going to be one of the greatest wizards of all time next to his teacher so he didn't have to distract himself with such nonsense. But even so it can be a lonely existence and having someone around when The Master was gone would be nice for once.
With his thoughts distracting him, he didn't see the wind from his opened window turning the page in his book and when he looked back to chant the spell again, he ended up saying different words making him realize. Wait… that's not right…
However the damage had already been done and suddenly four portals opened up from all sides of the room and two humans and two creatures fell out of them.
They were sprawled on the floor groaning, when they looked up, saying, "Where am I?" before noticing each other and gawked.
Tobey was first to speak, "How- what?"
Chat Noir piped up, "That's what I like to know too."
Nick spoke up much to Tobey and Chat's shock, "What animals are you?"
Both humans shouted, "YOU CAN TALK?!"
Discord waved his paw in front of them, "Ah, hello, I do believe you're forgetting about me." pointing to himself.
They turned to see him and Nick, Tobey, and Chat Noir were stunned by the creature's appearance.
Nick voiced, "Okay, I take it back, just what kind of animal are you?!"
"A Draconequus." he stated proudly.
"A WHAT?!" all three of them yelled.
Tobey scoffed, "I've never heard of such a thing."
Discord smiled, "Oh, you wouldn't; I am one of a kind after all."
Chat commented, "Well you're certainly taking all of this calmly."
"I'm used to it. Crazy and weird is what I do." he scowled, "Though in this case… I was forced from my home by an unnatural source!"
A voice said, "Yes, I believe that would be me…"
The four turned their heads around to see a boy about seventeen years old wearing robes.
Nick asked, "Who are you? And why did you bring us here?" he looked around, "Wherever… here is…"
Tobey glowered while pointing up, "Yes, I demand to know that myself!"
Chat and Discord crossed their arms as they waited for the boy's answer.
He started to introduce himself, "My name is Damon Castiel, and I am a wizard-in-training." he explained, "I was making a special potion for my master when it seems I had chanted the wrong spell from my spellbook." showing them the book, "That somehow brought all of you here instead to my world."
Chat pointed, "So you made a mistake, it happens. Now if you would be so kind as to send us back to our worlds that be great. Thanks."
There was a pause as Damon looked at all of them, at first he was going to do it by reversing the spell and send them back where they belong but then he saw the potential in each of them and stated while going to the other side of the room, "You know… I would but… I'm still learning how to use magic and it could be days before I can return all of you to your homes so let me accommodate you in the meantime, it's the least I can do." he went to the door and motioned them to follow him.
The four exchanged an uncertain look before doing as the wizard said. As they walked down a long hallway, Discord inquired, "So little wizzy, I've been feeling a magical constrain since I got here. Normally I can pop in and out anywhere I like but I can't do that here, what gives?"
Damon replied, "That would be the magical barrier around the castle."
Tobey scoffed again, "Magic… there's no such thing as magic…"
Nick told him, "Normally I would agree with you but considering of what has happened to us then yup, call me a believer."
Chat Noir asked, "I take it you two aren't from a world full of magic, right?"
The fox replied, "That would be correct."
Tobey proclaimed haughtily, "My world has cold hard science, in fact my inventions have always been able help me get by. Especially my robots." taking out his robot as an example. "So who needs magic?! Not me!" he cackled.
Both Nick and Chat gave Tobey a suspicious look while Discord and Damon were intrigued by the lad.
Discord floated his body around the boy making the others surprised.
"Not exactly Mister Humble are you?"
"Are you kidding?! Where I come from I was one of the city's most feared villains!"
"SAY WHAT?!" Chat and Nick shouted out.
Discord's eyes lit up at the response with him saying, "Well! That is interesting news! As it so happens, I myself was a villain set on taking over Equestria!" he chuckled loudly.
Chat Noir and Nick's eyes widen in alarm while Tobey slyly grinned, "Really…? That is very interesting as well… Tell me, do you enjoy watching chaos before your eyes?"
He pshawed, "Please! You're talking to the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony! Of course I like watching chaos happen!"
Chat whispered down to Nick, "This is not a good sign, is it?"
"No, no I should say not…"
Tobey kept asking the spirit, "Do you like the idea of dominating others?!"
"Oh I do! I do!"
"That you constantly need to show you're better than everyone else?!"
"Absolutely!"
"And do you rarely have a care in the world for others?"
"Weellll I used to…"
Tobey sighed, "Yeah… me too."
Nick and Chat exchanged a sigh of relief as well as wiping their brows.
Discord said, "Let me guess, it was someone that was able to show you a better way and that they mean so much to you that you had to give up your plans for conquest?"
The boy genius replied, "Something like that. I am still not the good person she wants me to be. But I hope to be someday."
"She?" they questioned with raised brows except Damon.
Tobey's cheeks blush bright red realizing he said too much. He sputtered in defense, "It's none of your concern!"
They laughed.
Discord said, "Kid, trust me, I know exactly how it is, I too have a girl that is the reason I reformed in the first place."
The trio was surprised by that information with Tobey uttering in bewilderment, "You… you do?"
"Yes, she is the one pony I truly care about."
"Pony?" Chat inquired.
Discord waved his talon dismissively, "Yes, yes, I come from a land where ponies, pegasi, and unicorns live together in harmony, why else was I a villain in the first place? We got all sorts of magical beasts running around but it's like I told you, I'm the only one there is." he smirked.
Chat Noir turned to the fox, "So where exactly are you from for animals to talk and walk on two legs?"
Tobey added, "Not to mention wearing clothes like a normal human being does, which is completely unheard of."
"Is that what you are?" Nick tried to pronounce it, "A hu-man?"
Chat Noir said, "It's just one word, but you get the gist. And yes, that's what me and these guys are here." pointing to Tobey and Damon.
Tobey made a snarky remark, "Oh, so you are human, I thought you were some kind of mutant cat hybrid. Oh, I would love to see the look on Dr. Two-Brains' face if he ever saw you."
Chat Noir ignored the comment and merely responded with, "It's actual a costume. Sort-of… it fusions on to me every time I transform. Making me like a cat but not."
He saw the confused expressions on their faces with him saying, "In other words, magic."
Nick said, "Right, well to answer your question from before, I am from a world where animals of all kind co-exist but humans don't exist at all. The city I am from is called Zootopia and I work there as a cop." shows the patch on his blue uniform.
Chat gleefully said, "You're a cop?! I'm a superhero!"
"Oh really? Well I would assume with that get-up you're wearing you were a burglar."
Chat smirked as he quipped, "Don't you mean, cat burglar."
There was a pause between them before they burst out laughing.
Nick exclaimed between laughs, "Oh, I definitely like you!"
Chat told him, "And you laughed at my pun! We are definitely going to get along!"
Discord and Tobey muttered with a roll of their eyes, "Oh brother…"
The draconequus mumbled under his breath, "I can make better puns than that…"
Damon cleared his throat to their attention, "As much as I glad you are getting along so well, I have to put you all in a room," he motioned to the rooms next to him, "so that you can get settled in, but as I do not know your names, I cannot assigned the rooms until I do."
Discord floated up, "Oh, where are my manners?" he bowed, "I am Discord."
Chat Noir bowed as well, "Chat Noir at your service."
"Nick Wilde." the fox stated.
"And I am Theodore McCallister the Third, but I mostly prefer Tobey."
Damon declared, "Wonderful. It's a pleasure to meet all of you. Now then, Chat Noir can take this room right here. Then Discord can take the next one, followed by Nick and Tobey."
Chat replied, "Sounds like a plan to me."
Discord added, "I must agree."
Nick nodded while Tobey was indifferent to the whole thing.
Damon started to go, "Excellent, I shall let you know when dinner is ready, so please make yourselves comfortable and I shall see you all later." and with that he left them alone.
The boys exchanged a look before going into their rooms, with them each closing the door behind them.
When Chat Noir knew it was safe, he said, "Claws in." he detransformed back into Adrien Agreste with his black cat Kwami, Plagg right beside him.
Adrien sat in front of the door making sure no one could come in, "This is bad, Plagg, I can't get back home until Damon has enough power to do it. My father, Natalie, my friends, Ladybug… They'll be worried sick about me…"
Plagg sat on his shoulder in comfort, "I wish I knew a way for you to return home but I don't…" then he asked, "I don't suppose you have any cheese on you…?"
"You're in luck, I have one piece of camembert left." he took it out of his pocket to give his Kwami to munch on, "And it's a good thing too, I'll need you to keep me transformed while we're here." he looked at the wall where his neighbors were, "They're the strangest people I have ever met especially that Discord guy. He looks like an entire zoo put together!"causing himself to chuckle. Then his thoughts dwelled to Ladybug of how scared she looked when he vanished into the portal and sighed sadly, "Oh milady… if only you were here with me right now…"
Meanwhile Discord was busy redecorating his room to something more him making him comment, "Interesting, so I can still use my powers inside the castle, I just can't get out of it..." then he thought of Fluttershy while saying out loud, "Don't worry, my dearest friend, I'll be home soon and then I can finish telling you what I wanted to say."
Next door, Nick was trying to get a signal on his phone but couldn't, he growled in frustration. Thinking of how upset his furry bunny partner must be after his disappearance he uttered sadly, "Judy…" clutching the phone close to his chest.
In the last room, Tobey was pacing the floor trying to think a way to get back home sooner, back to his house, his robots, his mother, and… Word Girl… The boy stopped and sat in a chair in dismay, it wasn't just his mother and Word Girl he missed but any face in Fair City, his villain colleagues, his classmates… This made him think of Becky Botsford. As annoying as she was to be his rival in school, she was still his friend. The only friend that could tolerate his arrogance.
"Word Girl… Becky…" he said quietly then he took out his robot and remote and started to work on it again.
Damon used his magic to get dinner ready in both the castle kitchen and dining hall. He thought with an evil grin.
Fortune has truly smiled upon me. With these four offworlders I can became the greatest sorcerer ever! But first I must earn their trust so they don't catch on to my plans… So until then I must play the gracious host but once my master returns… All bets are off!
So far, your OC is kinda bland. He is in dire need of character. Give us some flaws, goals, perhaps problems he is facing, insecurities he might have. You say he’s becoming a wizard. Cool. Why is he bothering? What’s in it for him? What’s he hoping to accomplish at the end of the day? Is it to be admired, to attain knowledge in order to control the world around him, gain riches, does he have a desperate need to prove something? Here, you just have he's an apprentice and he's good at magic.
You're also doing a lot of telling, not enough showing. Example
Never tell us a character is evil, show us he's evil. (Best example I have would be the Shoe Dip scene in Roger Rabbit. No one needs to say it, we know Judge Doom is Evil Incarnate) This is what actions and thoughts are for, to show us, the readers what people are. (Last paragraph not included because it was not something any human would really think unless there was something very wrong with them.) Also the reveal of the love interest and their falling out needs more build up, and should not begin with "Needless to say". That information is very much needed to be known. Maybe even save it for a little later. This is only the intro chapter after all, don't be telling us everything.
Now for the opening paragraph:
From the get go, prose seems to be your biggest problem. It really needs work. I can only say read books and look up what prose is. If you haven’t, read Heart of Darkness or The Lord of the Rings trilogy & the Hobbit, pick it up if you ever get a chance. They're great. Tolkien, IMO, is prose pro.
Just a question i have, What's your character actually doing? He’s casting a spell sure, but what is the spell? Say everything goes off without a hitch, what should the result be? You leave that out, and the next time the spell is mentioned, he messes up and summons a very… diverse cast of characters.
Other things: Never all cap dialogue. It’s childish. The “!” exists for a reason.
Also, never use the “!” outside of dialogue, like in the Discord chapter. That was just bad writing. Showing the scene could have easily replaced the “!”.
World building: Because it's important to every story. Magic needs rules, and the world you create needs life. Think about what clothes are considered normal for this world. If I go there tomorrow, am I going to be in Robes, a tunic, jeans, plain trousers? Would I dress more like Aragorn, Frodo, Link from The Legend of Zelda, or would I dress like a someone out of Final Fantasy 13/15 or Kingdom Hearts with lots and lots of unnecessary zippers?
Next comes magic. Are there limits to magic? What's needed to cast a spell? Can I spam magic, or do I need MP to use it? Is a cauldron needed? If I don’t have the right amount of ingredients in your character’s case, or I don’t have the needed MP, are there any consequences to me casting a spell or will nothing happen? Consider the reversal spell. Is that just a one stop spell for reversing literally all spells ever made, or is it one of many reversal spells because every spell has an accompanying or discover-able reversal spell? If the latter, considering your OC messed, does he require a different, new incantation to reverse what he did?
Then for the very last paragraph, I feel like you’re on the right track with it, but the execution needs work. Can you yourself actually see someone thinking this? The thought seems very inorganic.
Not to say you need all of the aforementioned in the very first, real chapter, just something to consider.
Interesting so far, I love Nick and Discord they are definitely among my favourite characters for their respective movie/series so I can’t wait to see interactions between the two
Never really watched the other two shows though but ok I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes
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Okay, I find it interesting that you would find my OC bland, and you make some good points but why do I need to show he's evil when it's been mentioned of how he became evil? The audience would get lost on who this character was if I didn't tell about his backstory in the beginning like I did with the others, it's suppose to show they have common ground and that it would play a role later. So don't just assume I don't have a plan for my character when it's actually coming later. We're only in the first chapters of the story after all. Oh and the spell was mainly used as a plot device to get the others to meet. Look, I don't claim to be a great writer but I believe I'm a fairly decent one and honestly fanfiction is meant to be for fun so please don't take this so seriously.
No, no, no! Bad OC, bad! "whacks Damon with a newspaper"
Oh, I totally feel you guys.
Man, I feel SO BAD for all four of them. Man, I never thought I'd say that about Tobey McAllister.