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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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No joke in this one because I want to be all serious like.
Its clear that you have a pretty original story in your hands here… But I am sorry to say that it is suffering under a ton of novice mistakes. Your descriptions are good, but there are way way too many of them so the chapter suffers under a very compact load of purple prosa. Just as a rich chocolate is good can it get too rich, try take a bite out of a bar of 90% chocolate and you see what I mean.
I have a full understanding how hard it can be to limit the flow of words, when to say stop when painting word pictures. One of the main reasons for me not writing any FoE story, beside not having a plot worth telling, is that I am doing the same mistake, suffering from an untreatable case of word diarrhea… Which are also showing in my comments.
This story have perhaps one of the most original premises that I have seen in a long time, its so rare with characters doing bad in the name of good and actually being honest about it instead of hiding behind a lie and being hypocritical about it all. But I am sorry to say that the giant mound of novice mistakes overshadow the shining idea, and I do honestly not really know if I will continiue on this story or not. If you don't already have a pre-reader or editor would I suggest getting one, a pair of fresh eyes have never hurt anyone after all.
Ohh by the way before I go into nitpicks, I love, love, LOVE, the idea of the mother not saying anything new... But honestly does half of what she says in this chapter seem way too appropiate and fitting for stuff she have said in the past. So if I were you would I put really vague stuff in, him clearly mishearing what she says and such. I really want to feel like he have taken his mothers diary, cut all of her thoughts out, and are sitting and mixing and matching them to form a picture that from the pieces that he was left with.
Nitpick:
"Distant rumbling sounded off in the distance once every ten or so seconds," Its never a good thing to repeat the same descriptor, boring sentences become boring when you do that.
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If Storm had written a diary that would be super cool, and I'll keep that in mind in case I ever redo this premise! Maybe someday I'll redo it.
I primarily use a lot of prose because I personally have a difficult time imagining things, so I sometimes go overboard with it due to that. Makes it feel more real and in your face. I do actually have a couple pre-readers and they haven't mentioned anything about it. If anything they usually like it, so I appreciate that about them. All my readers who put up with my shit honestly.
Thank you for the nitpick! I'll change that right away. I try not to repeat words but sometimes stuff like that slips in. Hopefully if you continue to read it you'll find less nitpicks over time.
Either way, thanks for reading. <3
Edit: Btw, the reason I go into detail about some things people who've read FoE would already know is because I'm treating this like no one's read FoE before. Just in case, you know?
Ah maaan! I was reading about Glum and Duskshine and was like "Man, these two would be nice to have as new company for Fear after losing his mother!"
And in you came with the totally different direction!
I did not expect Fear killing the two of them, especially since they were described as detailed as they were, as if they were new, permanent characters!
The only thing I'd love to see changed is a bit of formatting when Fear talks to his mother. Since she's not really talking to him, more that he's remembering her voice and such? It'd be nice to differentiate them with something like italics.
"I'm Fear! I'm talking right now!"
"I'm his mother. Clean your room!"
"Aww.. Okay mom.."
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Ngl I'm lmao. Yeah. I was hoping people would expect one thing when I pulled the rug out from under them. I wasn't sure if I did a good job. I wanted to really highlight the cruelty of what Fear did here that way you're divided on either rooting for him or against him. And don't worry I do more or less exactly that. Changing the formatting of him talking to his mother I mean. <3 So no worries there. If I ever go back and heavily edit this chapter I'll do exactly what you asked. :) Thanks for the feedback! I might go back and edit this soon. Maybe tonight before bed.
Sorry for toying with your emotions like that. <3