• Member Since 29th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

Anomalax


I do all kinds of writing and always appreciate feedback.

Comments ( 23 )

Interesting so far, keep it up

9278716
Thanks Mix, I appreciate it! <3

Snugly pony plush is snugly, added to the read later list

Time to finally read this story and see what it is all about. I can already see from the title of this chapter that it suffers from the Disney School of pareting, why is it never the father that dies in the backstory but always the mother? Are we men really not good enough to be emotional bagage?

So while this chapter is really well written does it have one major flaw. While the loss of a mother is one that all can connect with on a deeper level, do we not know the characters at all, and the whole chapter just seem surprisingly hollow. There are nothing as such wrong with in media res stories, but the point of in media res is that we are thrown in the middle of a story, not at the start of it like we are here being shown the origin story of Fear. Had this been the second or third chapter, people knowing Fear a bit more, and actually having a change to wonder about why the fudge he have his mother on his back would this be way more effective than it is right now.

Nitpicks:
"using one hoof to balance against her shoulder," Seems like you are missing an "it" here
" The bullet pinged off the dirt floor." With them being outside should it just be ground
"gritting his teeth and grinding them into powder. " I am pretty sure that your and should be a comma, or that you should shift the tense of grinding.
" forms of him bleeding out desperately and his dead mother being used as a fleshlight in front of him coalesced in his mind," You forgot to start your sentence with a capital letter, and for some reason do I not think that a colt his size would know what a fleshlight is, sure he would maybe know what rape is, it is the wasteland after all, but not a fleshlight.
" He couldn't let that be what happened to him." Just using "happen" would give you a better flow.
"The colt eventually loot the bodies like taught and struggled to drag his mother back to the prewar bunker they had been staying at." Missing a "would"

9404918
Thank you for your input. :O

The reason I chose the mother is because his father isn't in the picture currently for a reason I'll reveal in the future. It would be spoilers to tell you that reason right now. Besides, Storm always favored Fear more solely because she was full of anxieties and sometimes refused to act because she was concerned about the long term ramifications of her actions. I suppose I can at least tell that much. Fear was her inspiration to act a little more recklessly in life. It's too bad we never see that, but for now we also don't know that, as I explain in the chapter 2 Author's Note. I explain in one of the later chapters through Fear that even he understands how private his mother was. I'll probably detail why in a later chapter.

I really appreciate your input, and I made the appropriate changes.

Hopefully chapter 7 and onward will give you the father figure you're hoping for.

9405406
The comment about the father was more a joke than anything else. I do almost always start my chapter comments with a joke of some kind.

Honestly do I think that the best fix would be to put at least a scene or two before the action in the first scene to show some "normality" before shit hits the fan. We start the chapter, and the story, by being shown a corpse doll, and follow up with rape threats and someone getting air condition installed in their head. Shock is only shock if there are a buildup, and death does only have an effect if we have a connection with the character. We do not care in Harry Potter when a random background character dies, but when someone kill off a owl will people cry their eyes out.

Now if you are going for the macabre and a character there are the odd fish out and a bit weird in the head would I not put any normality in before the retelling of the story, but would instead put some more focus on how damn odd he is. Let us see him drag mommy dearest to an inn, him coming with comments to her as if she was still alive, order her food and something to drink, and when the subject of rooms come up, then ask for a room with a single bed to really creep the reader out with wrong images in their head.

It is all about pacing and what kind of impact certain information have, and how it is given.

9405438
Lmao. I might actually take that advice. I've been wanting to show that while Fear is improving he's still of in the head and that'd be the perfect way to do it. I'm little hesitant to if only because it's hard for a colt like him to find caps in the wasteland, so giving her private food and shelter would be a waste. I'm actually going to edit chapter 7 a little to include that scene though.

Edit: I realize it wouldn't make sense in context for Fear to feed his mother in chapter 7 because he doesn't do it in chapter 4. So I'm gonna have to go without that little bit of creepiness unfortunately. I'll keep that in mind for if I ever write an unhinged character like this again.

"For those wondering, I get it's a mistake to not show Storm and Fear being happy mother and son for a few chapters, but that's kind of the point. We're supposed to hear about it all in past tense, because that's what it is. It's completely cut off from who Fear is now, and Fear is trying to find that self once more."

This was PART of the author's note in chapter 2. I'll probably move that section to chapter 1.

Edit: Moved it.

No joke in this one because I want to be all serious like.

Its clear that you have a pretty original story in your hands here… But I am sorry to say that it is suffering under a ton of novice mistakes. Your descriptions are good, but there are way way too many of them so the chapter suffers under a very compact load of purple prosa. Just as a rich chocolate is good can it get too rich, try take a bite out of a bar of 90% chocolate and you see what I mean.

I have a full understanding how hard it can be to limit the flow of words, when to say stop when painting word pictures. One of the main reasons for me not writing any FoE story, beside not having a plot worth telling, is that I am doing the same mistake, suffering from an untreatable case of word diarrhea… Which are also showing in my comments.

This story have perhaps one of the most original premises that I have seen in a long time, its so rare with characters doing bad in the name of good and actually being honest about it instead of hiding behind a lie and being hypocritical about it all. But I am sorry to say that the giant mound of novice mistakes overshadow the shining idea, and I do honestly not really know if I will continiue on this story or not. If you don't already have a pre-reader or editor would I suggest getting one, a pair of fresh eyes have never hurt anyone after all.


Ohh by the way before I go into nitpicks, I love, love, LOVE, the idea of the mother not saying anything new... But honestly does half of what she says in this chapter seem way too appropiate and fitting for stuff she have said in the past. So if I were you would I put really vague stuff in, him clearly mishearing what she says and such. I really want to feel like he have taken his mothers diary, cut all of her thoughts out, and are sitting and mixing and matching them to form a picture that from the pieces that he was left with.

Nitpick:
"Distant rumbling sounded off in the distance once every ten or so seconds," Its never a good thing to repeat the same descriptor, boring sentences become boring when you do that.

9408180
If Storm had written a diary that would be super cool, and I'll keep that in mind in case I ever redo this premise! Maybe someday I'll redo it.

I primarily use a lot of prose because I personally have a difficult time imagining things, so I sometimes go overboard with it due to that. Makes it feel more real and in your face. I do actually have a couple pre-readers and they haven't mentioned anything about it. If anything they usually like it, so I appreciate that about them. All my readers who put up with my shit honestly.

Thank you for the nitpick! I'll change that right away. I try not to repeat words but sometimes stuff like that slips in. Hopefully if you continue to read it you'll find less nitpicks over time.

Either way, thanks for reading. <3

Edit: Btw, the reason I go into detail about some things people who've read FoE would already know is because I'm treating this like no one's read FoE before. Just in case, you know?

9408732
About going into detail do you not really go into detail to explain new people what this is about. With your level of detail about past events could this just as well be any other kind of post apocalypse world instead of a fallout one. If you wanted to give people an fallout introduction would I suggest doing a "War, war never changes" speech about how the wasteland is and who fucked it up from Fears viewpoint. Lets dip down in that emo moody craziness and see the world of FoE with a pair of different glasses.

9408828
Lol that'd be super good! I might be able to do that if I can fit it in. If do it it'll probably be after chapter 8. I could probably add a speech into how it all came about in chapter 9.

If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?

9504584
Amelio would sound feminine and like a noble, prim and proper, with flawless enunciation and a kind of passive haughtiness that doesn't feel insulting. Fear would sound feminine and young, with a squeaky voice and a fiery determination in everything. Even when he's sad or reluctant there's a power resonating in his voice that you can tell is constantly keeping him going. You can hear his strong will radiating in it. Sim's voice is smooth and chocolatey, not quite husky but certainly calming. It slips into the cracks of the brain and leaves you feeling almost ragged.

Does that help?

Edit: A friend of mine also imagines Fear to be bouncy and childish, Amelio to sound a little like Rarity, and Sim to sound a little like an old timey crooner, like Frank Sinatra. So make of that what you will.

Comment posted by Rakdar deleted April 7th

Love reading every chapter so far, always glad to see how far you've come in the last (almost) year~ Keep up the wonderful writing and keep being a great cutie pone~

9564246
Thank you so much Boirb! :D

Why isn't there a mystery tag?

9595448
I don't know tbh! I never thought it warranted the mystery tag. But I suppose I could use it. :)

Edit: I can't use it because I already have three genre tags. I don't know which to remove: drama, sad, or dark.

9504671
I meant in terms of voice actors.

9686831
Oh I have no idea. I'm not that familiar with voice actors. I wish I was though!

Your choice of references and music is quite good...I love it, really adds to the atmosphere..."slenderman, slenderman, you most certainly will die!"

9711997
Wow! Thank you. :D I really appreciate it. <3 I'm glad you like 'em.

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