Her Mother's Diary

by Church

day fifty-one

… Day fifty-one...

Mom called today to ask me how I was doing.

Now, I knew my mother. She would never call me just to chat, there was always a reason. The reason here was obvious. I understand, I suppose, the stress of it all. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. In fact, I’m not even taking care of it right now and I know I’m still not able to handle it. In some ways, I think that I’m pitiful. Why?

Want an update on my job search? Hasn’t changed.

Want an update on Rainbow Dash? What do I know. I feel like I hardly ever see her.

Want an update on myself? Want an update on my feelings? Do you even want to know anything about me, this invisible person to whom I’m writing to, this strange and imaginary apparition that will never read this? You don’t. You shouldn’t. Caring is creepy.

So what’s the point? Why move on? Is it for mom? Is it for Rainbow Dash? Well, it most definitely isn’t for dad, because mom relayed the news to me from the doctor today. Celestia be damned. I hate it. It’s unfair. I don’t want to believe it, just as I don’t want to believe in anything anymore. I want it to end. I want it all to end. The life I lead is a sad one, an example that I don’t wish for my foal to follow. If mom was raising her, then I’d feel relieved. But I have to do it... and I’m just not as good as mom. I’m just not. I’m unhappy.

“So sit there and cry about it!” you might say, invisible spectre.

Yes. I’ll do just that.

And believe you me, I’ll save some tears for you.

What does it even matter? Why am I here? Do I serve some sort of special purpose, or do I live in some sort of messed up fantasy?

And I realize I can’t answer those questions.

So mom called me, voice cracking, voice fading, voice pleading for help. It was help that I couldn’t give to her, because I was too scared to say anything. I felt worthless. My mother, stoic as she is, sobbing to me over a phone call. It was the worst experience I’ve ever had the displeasure to sit through.

And so, my imaginary friend in the room, who is reading all of my thoughts as I jot them down onto the page, I say this to you. What do you know about life? Would you know anything, though you haven’t lived it? Would you be able to console me? Would you be able to put a smile on my face despite the greatest of odds? Would you be able to keep my foal happy and healthy, safe and warm? And lastly, what does it all mean in the end?

Because my dad, well, he’s dying, and not even the greatest of powers in all of Equestria can save him anymore.

What would you say? What would you say to me? And would I like it?

Maybe you’d only say to me one thing. Maybe you’d tell me something that you yourself could never accomplish.

“Just live.”

Maybe that’s what you would tell me. But I can’t pretend to know. Those words are weighted, and they sting. But I’ll do it. For you, I’ll do it. And for Rainbow Dash and mom.

And for dad.

When the time comes, I hope that you will be standing by my side, apparition. I’ll need an invisible hoof to hold while I cry over the casket.

Mom called me today and she asked me how I was doing. I didn’t have anything to tell her, because there weren’t any words to be said.

Comments

[Church]

1738489 Compliments of Church Day!

[bigchibz110]

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Things just keep going from bad to worse.

[Rainbow87dash]

Her Dad has cancer doesn't he?