This chapter was AMAZING. No doubt in my mind, this is easily my favorite chapter! I've gotta admit, I'm a sucker for drama and this chapter had "drama" all over it.
I saw a few tiny errors which I will place below.
“Applejack what are you doing?” Rainbow Dash yelled. The three were shocked both at what Rainbow Dash said and how she said it, and Sunset was shocked when Applejack winced when as Rainbow Dash spoke. Rainbow Dash pointed for Applejack to head inside and the two disappeared from sight. "As" isn't needed there.
“Ok,” Sunset said determined. “Rarity, I see a gate on the left side. I’ll boost you up, and you open the gate to let us in.” Rarity nodded in affirmation. This one is more of my opinion but the word "and" could be replaced with "then".
“A noise?” Rainbow Dash questioned. “Well you shouldn’t have taken off your leash, you should have waited for mommy to come back, or at least come back inside, not run towards it.” Applejack didn’t say anything, just stared at the floor. “Come on,” Rainbow Dash said motioning for Applejack to lay across her lap. This is just another opinion but "came" might have been better, not sure though.
“Because I took my lead off when I wasn’t supposed to,” Applejack said through crying. Rainbow Dash gave another smack causing another wave of sobs. ANOTHER opinion, but "leash" could've worked as well as "lead"
With the extra comfort from Rainbow Dash Applejack calmed down rather quickly, her once full on weeping was reduced to only occasionally hiccups and sniffling. Get rid of the ending "ly" and turn the word into occasional.
“Sleep tight,” Rainbow Dash said giving Applejack a final kiss one the forehead. Applejack snuggled into a teddy bear on the bed and began drifting off. Rainbow Dash turned the baby monitor back on and left the room. Turn "one" to "on".
I seriously can't wait to read your next chapter! I'm literally shaking right now in anticipation! I really hope there will be more to this story, if not more chapters, then a sequel. ~Sincerely Jordan Olson
I came from wattpad and I see what you mean on meh reception. Though you should remember that there are people who just go around giving everything a thumbs down. Stop looking at that and start just doing what you want. You'll never be happy in life if you let everyone tell you how to live it. You'll almost never be happy with your stories if you let everyone tell you how to write it. Great, now I sound like a cat poster. Oh well hope this helped.
8766706 Well you're not wrong, but what I want to do is write stories that are fun for me to write, and also ones that others will enjoy. If I wasn't attempting to do that second bit, then I wouldn't write at all. The story is all up in my head I don't need to write it down for my sake. I write it, and put it to paper for everyone else's sake, so they can enjoy it too. If people aren't, then there isn't a reason for me to write it down.
That's all a bit irrelevant though, I've discussed in one of the author's notes that I don't believe the like to dislike ratio is accurate. There's an author's notes section in one of the chapters where I go into detail about what I think happened, the tl;dr is I think I might have gotten mass down voted by a bunch of antis who saw the ab/dl warning I originally had in the description. I can't prove that, it's just conjecture on my part, and it could also be very likely that they just didn't like it, and that my writing isn't as good as I think it is. Wattpad doesn't have a "dislike" option so for all I know the like/dislike ratio could be just as bad over there, it's just people don't have a way to give it a dislike. That's where I'm at, and that's why I'm taking any comments, especially the bad ones, very seriously and that is me asking everyone to leave their honest opinion good or bad, especially bad. I need to be constantly improving as a writer regardless of whatever caused this particular story to get the like/dislike ratio it has.
I do really appreciate your support and kind words though, like I said, making people like you happy is the reason I do this.
Definitely a good chapter
Hold on....did Pinkie just....throw Rarity under the bus?
This chapter was AMAZING. No doubt in my mind, this is easily my favorite chapter!
I've gotta admit, I'm a sucker for drama and this chapter had "drama" all over it.
I saw a few tiny errors which I will place below.
“Applejack what are you doing?” Rainbow Dash yelled. The three were shocked both at what Rainbow Dash said and how she said it, and Sunset was shocked when Applejack winced when
asRainbow Dash spoke. Rainbow Dash pointed for Applejack to head inside and the two disappeared from sight."As" isn't needed there.
“Ok,” Sunset said determined. “Rarity, I see a gate on the left side. I’ll boost you up, and you open the gate to let us in.” Rarity nodded in affirmation.
This one is more of my opinion but the word "and" could be replaced with "then".
“A noise?” Rainbow Dash questioned. “Well you shouldn’t have taken off your leash, you should have waited for mommy to come back, or at least come back inside, not run towards it.” Applejack didn’t say anything, just stared at the floor. “Come on,” Rainbow Dash said motioning for Applejack to lay across her lap.
This is just another opinion but "came" might have been better, not sure though.
“Because I took my lead off when I wasn’t supposed to,” Applejack said through crying. Rainbow Dash gave another smack causing another wave of sobs.
ANOTHER opinion, but "leash" could've worked as well as "lead"
With the extra comfort from Rainbow Dash Applejack calmed down rather quickly, her once full on weeping was reduced to only occasionally hiccups and sniffling.
Get rid of the ending "ly" and turn the word into occasional.
“Sleep tight,” Rainbow Dash said giving Applejack a final kiss one the forehead. Applejack snuggled into a teddy bear on the bed and began drifting off. Rainbow Dash turned the baby monitor back on and left the room.
Turn "one" to "on".
I seriously can't wait to read your next chapter! I'm literally shaking right now in anticipation!
I really hope there will be more to this story, if not more chapters, then a sequel.
~Sincerely Jordan Olson
Another awesome chapter. I think my favorite at the moment, looking forward to whatever comes next.
8754323
wow that's a lot. Agree to disagree on came over come, but I've fixed the rest of them. 2500 bonus points for you.
I came from wattpad and I see what you mean on meh reception. Though you should remember that there are people who just go around giving everything a thumbs down. Stop looking at that and start just doing what you want. You'll never be happy in life if you let everyone tell you how to live it. You'll almost never be happy with your stories if you let everyone tell you how to write it. Great, now I sound like a cat poster. Oh well hope this helped.
8766706
Well you're not wrong, but what I want to do is write stories that are fun for me to write, and also ones that others will enjoy. If I wasn't attempting to do that second bit, then I wouldn't write at all. The story is all up in my head I don't need to write it down for my sake. I write it, and put it to paper for everyone else's sake, so they can enjoy it too. If people aren't, then there isn't a reason for me to write it down.
That's all a bit irrelevant though, I've discussed in one of the author's notes that I don't believe the like to dislike ratio is accurate. There's an author's notes section in one of the chapters where I go into detail about what I think happened, the tl;dr is I think I might have gotten mass down voted by a bunch of antis who saw the ab/dl warning I originally had in the description. I can't prove that, it's just conjecture on my part, and it could also be very likely that they just didn't like it, and that my writing isn't as good as I think it is. Wattpad doesn't have a "dislike" option so for all I know the like/dislike ratio could be just as bad over there, it's just people don't have a way to give it a dislike. That's where I'm at, and that's why I'm taking any comments, especially the bad ones, very seriously and that is me asking everyone to leave their honest opinion good or bad, especially bad. I need to be constantly improving as a writer regardless of whatever caused this particular story to get the like/dislike ratio it has.
I do really appreciate your support and kind words though, like I said, making people like you happy is the reason I do this.