Rainbow Dash started her day as normal, sleeping in, waking up, getting ready for the day in less than five minutes, going to Sugercube Corner, and then going to work. At least it was a normal day until she got to work. When she got there she found a bunch of pegasi flying away from the weather managing building. Wanting to investigate she zoomed in, but found nothing out of the ordinary.
She was about to leave to track down the weatherponies, but she was suddenly thrown into pitch black darkness. Her eyes darted around the void, searching for anything that might attack. Her gaze finally landed on something, or more accurately, somepony. That pony was Scootaloo, laying on the black ground, seemingly unconscious.
Rainbow flew to Scootaloo and looked her over, but saw no damage on her. Rainbow looked around again, then back at Scootaloo, but now all she saw was the filly's skeleton. Rainbow screamed and stumbled back, she didn't know what was happening. She looked around again, turning her full body each time her neck turned too far.
After a few more spins, she noticed that the skeleton was gone. She took a moment to eye the spot where it was lying, then turned around. She then saw her five friends, dead and mutilated. She was forced to witness their bodies wither away and turn to dust. Rainbow dropped to the floor, at some point had she started crying. She just kept her gaze on the floor not wanting to see any more.
She then realized something, none of this should be real. The fact she was suddenly in a black void, her friends somehow dying and appearing here and withering away so fast. Scootaloo suddenly turning into a skeleton, it all made no sense. She looked up again and now found herself back in the weather managing building.
She stood up and looked around again, this time finding nothing. Rainbow now knew why all the pegasi left, she looked around one last time, wiped the tears from her eyes, then left, not wanting to be there any longer. She was going to find out how that happened, but she would need some help.
Roll credits
Some redundancy and a few missed apostrophes. More notably, I should have added more detail than, “nothing out of the ordinary.” It could have been; “But instead of the expected mess caused by the chaos of panicked ponies, she found zero traces of any creature whatsoever. No scattered papers, no broken glass. Absolutely nothing but an empty reception area.”
Again, more description would be nice. Like, how cool of a visual would it be if the darkness that covered her vision creeped up around her, consuming the room she was in with an empty void? I just wish I slowed down the pacing a bit, especially in this chapter.
One full turn was probably enough. Spinning multiple times is just a little silly. Aside from that, blah blah, slower pacing would be good, blah blah. Further along, two instances of “then” was pretty repetitive. The following scene is… okay. Nothing atrociously done here and the lack of detail actually makes sense. Could I do better now? I believe so, but this is fine.
I hate how I worded all of this. It’s written like a parody! I could have done Rainbow’s realization SO much better. And the fact that she broke out the the illusion so fast only ruins it more. I could have had her struggle against it, vehemently denying anything it showed her until the darkness receded. Instead it simply disappeared the moment she started doubting its facade.
Missing period after the first “left”, then a repetitive instance of “left”, and in general a run on sentence.
Wait, that’s all?! This chapter is so short! It’s not even a thousand words! You can really tell just how much I rushed this chapter out. Poor prose, lack of detail, atrocious pacing, writing approaching the edge of parody. It’s all so bad, even by past me standards. I needed to take more time writing instead of rushing things out due to a feeling of obligation.