I'm an amateur writer, but hopefully I'm getting better. P.S I like dark stories. P.P.S also go check out my B.B.B.F.F, The Conspicuous Writer.
After Rainbow was defeated by The Mysterious Mare do Well and learned a valuable lesson, she decides to become an actual hero, The Weathermare!
Join Rainbow Dash as she learns how to be a true hero.
Authors note: This story starts at The Mysterious Mare do Well Episode 5: Hero's and delicious delicious filler and takes place in the MDW universe. All episodes will be tied in. Also some chapters may be short, but they're important.
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Okay! *cracks knuckles* Now we start with this one.
If anyone else is reading these comments, this is me essentially going back through some of my old cancelled stories and critiquing them. I have already started over at The Mysterious Mare Do Well, but as this story is a companion story to that I also have to do the same here. So... where to start?
This chapter honestly isn't the worst. It's very rushed and I wish I opened the story up with some better explanation, but I've written worse. If I really wanted to do a multi story series like this then I should have at least made them work well as standalone things. Instead I stupidly decided that every reader would have to read all of the tie-ins to understand what is going on.
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Hold your horses, me from a couple of years ago. While nothing you said here is wrong, I think I can go into a bit more detail than that.
Oh boy. Not great first impressions with a couple very noticeable typos right off the bat. This entire paragraph also fails to justify its own speed with terrible prose. A quick and dirty fix would be to start with, ‘it all happened so fast.’ That way you establish the blur of descriptions to come.
Yeah, this tracks for Blueblood. Definitely an exaggeration of his character, but not exactly an impossibility for him. I kinda love how the first thing he brings up is how Rarity threw cake at him. It’s laughably in character.
In? Not on? Weird, but fair enough. XD
Rainbow doesn’t strike me as the type to say, “you see”.
Yeah, ‘in’ was intentional. I can see that happening though. Would be funny in animation.
Real smooth, Rainbow. Anyway, I can definitely believe she would beat herself up over not reacting fast enough to fight off Blueblood’s group. I also like just how supportive Pinkie is trying to be. She may not’ve understood what Dash was upset about, but it’s nice to see her try and cheer her up.
I wish I actually wrote a little more for Rarity here since this was her episode that was derailed, but it’s clear my focus was more on Rainbow.
Overall, everyone felt pretty in character and understandable. The main problems here were some bits of improper pacing and generally poor grammar. I think the only reason the pacing isn’t as bad as much of my Mysterious Mare do Well story is because of how dialogue heavy this chapter is. I can’t rush through characters talking to each other, so I was forced to slow down to a conversational speed.
Wow, this far in and I haven’t had any major criticisms yet. Anyway, I know a blank expression can say everything, but how does Rainbow tell what MDW’s expression says when she has a mask? (This is definitely a nitpick/not really a problem.)
Lots of repetition of ‘MDW’ and ‘chandelier’.
Bit anticlimactic, but that actually suits Blueblood.
Can’t believe I missed a single ‘e’ in all that. I’m such a disappointment.
Wethermare?! Come on past me! You had one job!
Oh well. This chapter was actually pretty solid. Nothing to really lambast here. Funnily enough, I think I prefer this to its counterpart in my original MDW story. That’s probably owed to the lack of Seastar’s internal monologue, which often got in the way of tonal beats. Completely by my own fault to be clear.
Oh… this one. This is gonna be interesting. I only remember THE BADGER.
What room? Where are they?
… How? How did you find this out via their wounds? And you specifically know it’s a honey badger??? Even if it was because of claw marks, that would hardly narrow it down to one specific species. Anyone also could have used weaponized claws of some sort. Why do you know it’s a honey badger?! Why would you even entertain that idea, let alone classify it as MURDER?!
I’m surprised Rainbow thought of cross referencing the locations. Not impossible for her, she’s deceptively intelligent, just surprising. She’s also a visual learner, so asking for a map makes sense for her to know if her theory is on the right track.
Of course Twilight would have memorized all this and can make a map of it.
Nice continuity of Pinkie knowing the interests of everyone in Ponyville!
Heh, zoomed is a funny word to use here. In all seriousness though, did past me actually play into these character’s strengths? Am I reading this right? I’m… I’m actually really shocked. I had so low expectations. Make no mistake, I’m not trying to toot my own horn here but… I actually feel somewhat proud of this moment.
Is tare even a word? Yes. Apparently referring to the weight of the packaging, container or vehicle that is carrying an item. Of course, I meant to write tear. Also, it’s a tough call whether Fluttershy would strike an animal attacking her if she had no other choice. Not sure why she followed it though, unless she thought she could help it in some way.
Okay, first; Flutters definitely should have heard Rainbow and at least stopped for a moment to say why she was following the badger. Second; I don’t think she would grab a weapon, even to fend off an angry animal. It implies that she intends to use it to hit the animal if needed, which feels out of character. It’s more likely that she would have backed up slightly and/or try to deescalate the situation. This is especially disheartening compared to the relatively on point character writing just a few paragraphs earlier.
On a less upsetting note, it’s strange how Fluttershy immediately passed out after Rainbow saved her. It just feels a bit odd.
Too soon.
For as short as this chapter is, it felt like a heck of a rollercoaster. At first I only remembered the silliest part, the darn badger ‘murderer’ itself. Then I became legitimately proud of how I wrote Rainbow, Pinkie and Twilight. Only then to be immensely disappointed with how I handled Fluttershy. If I fixed that last scene, (and also all the pacing issues and typos) I believe this chapter could actually be pretty decent. As it stands now though, it ends on a pretty sour note.
I don’t think adding “and a day” was very necessary. Just a week later would have sufficed.
The slight divergence from the show’s events here WERE intentional, but that isn’t very apparent since no particular attention is drawn to it. Not totally sure what I could’ve done differently, but there are probably other options.
There’s nothing really illogical here since most of this past sequence was beat for beat the same as the show. However, the prose continue to feel extremely clunky, and the pacing is somehow still too quick. I feel like I wrote down the bare essentials of what the episode contained, then refused to elaborate.
Ah, yes. Wait until after the elite flyers are incapacitated before giving assistance. That’s clearly the best plan! To be fair, the Wonderbolts would have told Weathermare to not get involved if she tried to help, but that could have been interesting to actually include. Would’ve been nice internal conflict for Rainbow. Also, some tenses being mixed up again.
Not sure if Twilight or Rainbow would be willing to put Rarity in peril over what they see as MDW’s hunch. They didn’t know if her plan would work.
I think it would have been a great character moment for Rarity if Twilight and Rainbow were unsure of the plan, only for Rarity to step up and agree to it despite the risks. Her reasoning being that Spike would never normally act this way, and that she believes it’s her duty as a friend to try and help him. “What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t help Spike after all the generosity he has given us?” Or something like that.
Some clunkiness with how the last sentence is structured. Two ‘and’s shouldn’t be placed like that.
This would work, but… I guess I just have a problem with how manipulative Rarity comes across earlier in the actual episode. Technically that has nothing to do with my writing here, but it still irks me.
Ultimately, this chapter didn’t really have the chance to screw up thanks to it mostly following the events of the episode. That being said, there were still a few missed opportunities with Rarity specifically. The fact that my story necessarily changes what happens in the original means I have all the freedom in the world to add more character moments. Even though Rarity wasn’t the focus I still could and should have given her some spotlight. Especially since she was the solution to the problem.
Some redundancy and a few missed apostrophes. More notably, I should have added more detail than, “nothing out of the ordinary.” It could have been; “But instead of the expected mess caused by the chaos of panicked ponies, she found zero traces of any creature whatsoever. No scattered papers, no broken glass. Absolutely nothing but an empty reception area.”
Again, more description would be nice. Like, how cool of a visual would it be if the darkness that covered her vision creeped up around her, consuming the room she was in with an empty void? I just wish I slowed down the pacing a bit, especially in this chapter.
One full turn was probably enough. Spinning multiple times is just a little silly. Aside from that, blah blah, slower pacing would be good, blah blah. Further along, two instances of “then” was pretty repetitive. The following scene is… okay. Nothing atrociously done here and the lack of detail actually makes sense. Could I do better now? I believe so, but this is fine.
I hate how I worded all of this. It’s written like a parody! I could have done Rainbow’s realization SO much better. And the fact that she broke out the the illusion so fast only ruins it more. I could have had her struggle against it, vehemently denying anything it showed her until the darkness receded. Instead it simply disappeared the moment she started doubting its facade.
Missing period after the first “left”, then a repetitive instance of “left”, and in general a run on sentence.
Wait, that’s all?! This chapter is so short! It’s not even a thousand words! You can really tell just how much I rushed this chapter out. Poor prose, lack of detail, atrocious pacing, writing approaching the edge of parody. It’s all so bad, even by past me standards. I needed to take more time writing instead of rushing things out due to a feeling of obligation.
That poor window… but fair enough. She’s in a rush.
I really wish I used another word than “zoomed”. Also, that poor door and other window. Wait, why didn’t she just use this window in the first place?
How far did she fly?! And how fast? I’m surprised Twilight didn’t lose her breakfast, or try to teleport out of the frantic mare’s clutches. Also, heck of an explanation, Dash. If only I conveyed just how fast you probably blurted that out better.
Honestly… fair reaction. It would be a grim prank, but what else is Twilight suppose to think?
Should have added Twilight’s reaction to being shaken. Also, Rainbow feels pretty bipolar here. I guess it sorta makes sense, but it felt a bit clunky to read.
Not sure composure is the right word, but it’s close enough to not be a problem. Using “pull a prank” here feels a little too wordy, and likely not what Twilight would say. She’d probably just shorten it to prank.
Missing question mark when Twilight asked something. Missing “s” on “type” to make it plural.
Hmm. I understand I wanted to make Rainbow a little smarter here, but…
She also just comes off as pretty rude. Not to mention how, even if she is “smarter”, that doesn’t mean she would have that knowledge. How would she know if a spell like the type she’s asking Twilight to cast is possible?
Again, pretty rude. I understand Rainbow just saw some pretty horrific stuff, but I’m not sure she would act this way towards any of her friends. Not in this situation anyway.
Wait she was genuinely annoyed? That feels a bit undeserved. How did Twilight annoy her? By being understandably a little confused?
This is a nitpick, but “enormous” would have worked better. Also, was Twilight amazed by the magic reading she detected? If that’s the case, it’s not very clear. I’m also not sure if it’s appropriate given the situation. After what Rainbow described, Twilight would likely be more concerned that somepony was able to cast a spell like that.
I can not read Twilight’s thoughts here very well at all. Especially when the phrase “in short, yes” is used during a shudder. It feels pretty incoherent.
Really? I would have to research this more. I get why I didn’t want tracking them to be possible, but I’d need to check if there’s precedent for it in any pony media. It may not exist, or it may very well be a thing. I can see either being the case.
Not sure Rainbow would suggest this. Granted, she doesn’t have much of a choice, but I would expect her to be more bitter about it.
This chapter feels… disappointing. Though that can be said for the previous chapter as well. They should have simply been one complete chapter, though “complete” doesn’t feel right when their combined word count is still under a thousand. It just feels like a lot more could have been done with this premise’s first outing. That being said; for as much as they were lacking in detail, they were even weaker characterization wise. Rainbow felt unnecessarily mean in this chapter, and Twilight barely got to do or even feel anything. Their was nothing engaging here, just “dark” moments for the sake of it.