TMMDW:The Weathermare

by Equinoxx

A depressing prologue

Rainbow and her friends were have fun at Twilight's birthday party, but that stopped when armored unicorns started pouring into the room ahd quickly subdued everypony there. The unicorns then moved out into the garden and did the same there. They moved so quickly.

Rainbow tried to break free of her magical binding, but it was for naught. "Grr." 'How could I have let this happen?! I should have snapped out of my surprise sooner!' She berated herself. Just then she and her five friends were frown into the garden and they saw who the leader of this group was...

"Blueboood?!" Everypony shouted in surprise.

"Yes it is I, prince Blueblood, soon to be King Blueblood!" The Unicorn announced.

"Why are you doing this." Rarity huffed, seemingly more annoyed than concerned for her well being..

"Oh you're one to talk. This is all your fault Rarity. You decided to throw cake at me, then proceeded to threatened me! You didn't even get a punishment! You showed me that there's no order under my aunt's rule. Thus I must be king so that there will be order and ponies like you will get your proper punishments!" He monologued.

Unfortunately for him, during his monologue The Mysterious Mare do Well appeared and was able to silently knock out five armored unicorns. When Blueblood finally turned around he shrieked then hid in some bushes. Mare do Well quickly dispatched of the remaining armored unicorns, leaving everypony in awe.

'Wow.' Rainbow thought. 'Unlike me she actually kicked their plot!' Once all the armored unicorns were knock out the magical restraints on everypony faded, but Rainbow was too upset at herself to get up. Mare do Well checks on the bush that Blueblood hid in, but found nothing. MDW went and made sure everypony was okay. Rainbow was still upset at herself though, in seeing that, Pinkie walked over to her and lay down next to the Pegasus.

"Why so mopey lopey?" Pinkie asked Rainbow, which startled her to look at Pinkie.

"Nothing." Rainbow said quickly as her eyes darted away.

"It's okay Dashie, you can tell me." Pinkie assured Rainbow.

"No. No, I'm fine." Rainbow said sternly.

"Pleeeeeeease?" Pinkie continued to pry.

"I said I-"

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-" Rainbow then put her right hoof in pinkie's mouth.

"Fine I'll tell you. You see I... I wasn't able to stop those unicorns." Rainbow admitted.

Pinkie took Rainbow's hoof out of her mouth. "And?"

"And instead I just stood there like an idiot." Rainbow continued as she hit her face into the dirt.

"Well that's not your fault Dashie." Pinkie told her.

"But it is! If I wasn't so dumb to what was going on then I could've stopped them." Rainbow slammed her left hoof into the ground.

"But nopony expected that to happen." Pinkie continued to be supportive.

"Mare do Well did! And guess what, she stopped them!" Rainbow shoved her snout up to Pinkie's in anger.

"But she's a superhero, superhero's always expect the unexpected." Pinkie shrugged.

"But I a-" Rainbow shoved her hooves into her mouth. After a few seconds she took them out. "Forget what I said!" She yelled at Pinkie, then flew away faster then Pinkie could process anything. Pinkie sat there for a few seconds trying to figure out what Rainbow was about to say, then it clicked.

Twilight also noticed Rainbow flying away and decided to talk to Pinkie. "What was that about?" She asked.

"I think Rainbow may be a superhero." Pinkie confessed in a style where one would expect a cliff-hanger.

"What?" Twilight then began to remember what Mare do Well told her. 'I'm sure you can figure out why Rainbow hasn't complained yet.' "Of course! That makes so much sense!"

"What does?" Pinkie asked, dumfounded.

"I'll explain later, for now let's just get the girls to their rooms, it's been an exhausting night." Twilight suggested.

"But what about your birthday party? It's ruined." Pinkie said sadly.

"We can celebrate it tomorrow. Come on." Twilight and Pinkie went to gather their friends and afterwards left the garden.

Roll credits

Author's Note:

Make sure to check out The Mysterious Mare do Well Episode 6: Party crasher, to find out what Twilight and Mare do Well talked about.

(This chapter has been massively edited.)

Comments

[Equinoxx]

Okay! *cracks knuckles* Now we start with this one.
If anyone else is reading these comments, this is me essentially going back through some of my old cancelled stories and critiquing them. I have already started over at The Mysterious Mare Do Well, but as this story is a companion story to that I also have to do the same here. So... where to start?

This chapter honestly isn't the worst. It's very rushed and I wish I opened the story up with some better explanation, but I've written worse. If I really wanted to do a multi story series like this then I should have at least made them work well as standalone things. Instead I stupidly decided that every reader would have to read all of the tie-ins to understand what is going on.

[Equinoxx]

10990752
Hold your horses, me from a couple of years ago. While nothing you said here is wrong, I think I can go into a bit more detail than that.

Rainbow and her friends were have fun at Twilight's birthday party, but that stopped when armored unicorns started pouring into the room ahd quickly subdued everypony there. The unicorns then moved out into the garden and did the same there. They moved so quickly.

Oh boy. Not great first impressions with a couple very noticeable typos right off the bat. This entire paragraph also fails to justify its own speed with terrible prose. A quick and dirty fix would be to start with, ‘it all happened so fast.’ That way you establish the blur of descriptions to come.

"Oh you're one to talk. This is all your fault Rarity. You decided to throw cake at me, then proceeded to threatened me! You didn't even get a punishment! You showed me that there's no order under my aunt's rule. Thus I must be king so that there will be order and ponies like you will get your proper punishments!" He monologued.

Yeah, this tracks for Blueblood. Definitely an exaggeration of his character, but not exactly an impossibility for him. I kinda love how the first thing he brings up is how Rarity threw cake at him. It’s laughably in character.

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-" Rainbow then put her right hoof in pinkie's mouth.

In? Not on? Weird, but fair enough. XD

"Fine I'll tell you. You see I... I wasn't able to stop those unicorns." Rainbow admitted.

Rainbow doesn’t strike me as the type to say, “you see”.

Pinkie took Rainbow's hoof out of her mouth. "And?"

Yeah, ‘in’ was intentional. I can see that happening though. Would be funny in animation.

"But I a-" Rainbow shoved her hooves into her mouth. After a few seconds she took them out. "Forget what I said!" She yelled at Pinkie, then flew away faster than Pinkie could process anything. Pinkie sat there for a few seconds trying to figure out what Rainbow was about to say, then it clicked.

Real smooth, Rainbow. Anyway, I can definitely believe she would beat herself up over not reacting fast enough to fight off Blueblood’s group. I also like just how supportive Pinkie is trying to be. She may not’ve understood what Dash was upset about, but it’s nice to see her try and cheer her up.

"We can celebrate it tomorrow. Come on." Twilight and Pinkie went to gather their friends and afterwards left the garden.

I wish I actually wrote a little more for Rarity here since this was her episode that was derailed, but it’s clear my focus was more on Rainbow.

Overall, everyone felt pretty in character and understandable. The main problems here were some bits of improper pacing and generally poor grammar. I think the only reason the pacing isn’t as bad as much of my Mysterious Mare do Well story is because of how dialogue heavy this chapter is. I can’t rush through characters talking to each other, so I was forced to slow down to a conversational speed.