Human One (Jack)
"Miss Sparkle?" asked the short, stubby human, waving a hand in the air as he shifted awkwardly from side to side. His three taller compatriots merely stood there, watching him blankly.
"You can just go with 'Twilight', please," Twilight replied, leaning up against the plain white table behind her. She glanced around the familiar side office that had been added to her library-- golden brown bookshelves and matching dressers filled with various reports, studies, and the like across all the walls. The room had the same soft, earth-tone feeling of her main library, which helped to psychologically comfort those poor humans that kept popping up around Ponyville, just as Twilight had told the skeptical builders. "I'd much prefer that."
"Miss Twilight," the stubby teenager sputtered, blinking rapidly. His fake leather jacket rubbed against the tall brown lamp behind him as he kept on hopping in place.
"Just 'Twilight'," she said, putting a hoof up and coming back her mane while taking a little breath.
"I just-- I-- well," he replied, stepping over towards her. "I really have to use the bathroom! Like right now!"
"Oh, ah..." Twilight muttered. She hadn't realized that, much as it looked retrospectively obvious from the strained look on the teenager's ruddy face. She locked eyes with him, seeing him almost blush. "Well, ah, the thing is--"
"Now!"
"Equestrian bathrooms aren't the same as human ones," Twilight went on, walking about and circling around the group of humans. "I'd thought that-- I'd planned that, ah, part of our little 'Assimilation Conference Meeting: Part I' would include a trip to the library's bathroom. That way, all four of you could learn how to use them together. That was--" Twilight leaned over to the left, making sure to stand far enough away from the humans, and magically grabbed her clipboard, flipping through the forms. She mentally kicked herself for forgetting the order of operations. Goodness knows, she'd seen at least a hundred humans that she had to put through the official Equestrian assimilation process in the past two weeks. "A-ha!"
"Right?" said the teenager, a look of hope coming over his face as he clasped one hand over his crotch and ran the other through his messy red hair.
"Yes, 'Equestrian Bathroom Training' is officially known as 'Household Development Part F'," Twilight said, eyes on her clipboard as she idly tapped her hooves on the carpet. "That's in about forty-five minutes or so."
Those last five words cut the teenager like a knife. He pursed his lips as he blinked, his soft brown eyes looking even bigger than a moment before. His human companions looked over at him for a moment and then at the floor.
Twilight went on, "And that comes before the far more interesting 'Household Development Part G', where we'll see how normally magically operated Equestrian toasters can spontaneously explode if you don't--"
"Well, there's no time like the present!" he called out, pointing a frustrated finger in the air between Twilight's gaze and the clipboard. "So, what about going to Part F right freaking now?"
"Right," Twilight said, still looking down at her notes. She never liked going off script, especially given that Equestria's best psychologists and sociologists had designed it in order to smooth the humans' transitions.
"Right!"
Twilight looked over at the other humans, still milling about idly beside the couches on the other side of the room. They displayed an odd combination of both being fascinated by their situation while also being frustrated at long things were taking. "Just follow me, please."
"Finally," the teenager remarked, breathing a small sigh of relief while still hopping a bit in place.
Twilight led them down a slender corridor off to the right. Snapshots of her friends-- Dashie making another sonic rainboom, Applejack dripping ice cream on her neck as her nervous date watched, and Roseluck dressing as Princess Cadence for a wonderful costume party-- decorated her walls. On the one hand, Twilight loved seeing the constant reminders of how much her friends loved her and just loved life-- that made the frustrated days basically foalsitting all of these humans go by faster. At the same time, she felt a bit annoyed; after all, they had never had to deal with this stuff.
"Here we are," Twilight said, opening up the door to the massive bathroom. Like many other parts of her library, it had been adapted to accommodate all visitors whether Equestrian or extraterrestrial. She stepped in and turned around as the four humans followed her inside.
They all looked around. Broadly speaking, Twilight knew that the clean silver fixtures, spreads of white tile, huge shiny mirrors, enormous walk-in shower, and everything else appeared about the same as what the humans had back on their own planet. However, their eyes all eventually made it to the toilet at the far corner.
"What's your name, again?" Twilight asked. She hadn't been sure if she had asked the first time, which made her feel sheepish.
"Jack," replied the hopping teenager, standing over the relief-giving device. He sighed as he brushed his thick hair. "Okay, so is this like one of these Japanese dealies, or what?"
The toilet consisted of a large cylinder made of bright grey metal sitting just a few inches tall but quite wide at the base, shimmering water inside the cylinder, four thick tubes perforated with numerous holes that lead upwards around the cylinder, and an ominous looking white orb just below the ceiling that the tubes flowed into. Three long chains hung from the orb. The dark-tinted chain featured a black glob of plastic at the end while the other, slightly shorter chains had a white orb and a blue orb with similar coloring extending up their sides.
"Okay, so... it's not that complicated," Twilight began. She flashed back to an occasion several weeks ago when she had demonstrated things by stepping over at the device and using it herself-- explaining every last step in graphic detail. She still grimaced at the memory, picturing how some of them humans had thrown up a little bit in disgust. Worse, a few humans had even gotten, somehow, pitched tents in their pants. Twilight didn't know which result was worse, but-- at any rate-- she had determined to use some creative ambiguity this time.
"Yeah, sure," Jack commented, fingers going over the blue chain.
"No!"
Jack froze. The humans all stared at Twilight-- who looked suddenly desperate, with her fluffy purple mane jiggling around her shoulders as she trembled. She coughed, forcing her expression back to normal.
"Ah," Twilight said, "You shouldn't... if you're a human and male, then you should never touch that. Never. Ever." She cleared her throat. "Peaches, Nurse Redheart's boyfriend, said he felt tingly for days and days after he made that mistake, particularly. That chain is for cleaning mare's bodies specifically."
"Fine..." Jack muttered, taking a gulp.
"Anyways," Twilight exclaimed, flashing a friendly smile and trying to get back to the point. She hopped over beside of the toilet and went on. "This model is called the 'Emissions Clearer Unit 2000', or--" Twilight paused for emphasis, bracing her front hooves against the device. "The ECU." She ignored the blank faces around her. "And, for human males such as yourselves, it's very simple to use. All you do is stand right in front of it."
Twilight moved over in place, bracing her hooves against the wall and looking down at the smooth, calm waters inside. She stood with her face against the wall, positioned as if she was either a stallion or a man. She closed her eyes and did her best to wish the awkwardness away.
"Okay, and you do your male business as you are wont to do until you feel relieved," Twilight said. She sucked in a deep breath. "Then, finished, you reach over and pull the white chain." Twilight mimed doing so. "And, then, the high-powered air vents slide out from the edges of those tubes. Those vents clean up your, ah, the... particular components of your male anatomy."
"Huh," muttered the tallest human, leaning up against the mirror. Twilight wondered if he planned to use those air vents for uses other than their normal purpose. She tried to force that thought out of her mind.
"So, I guess..." Jack said, head bobbing with anticipation. His pained face screamed out that he had to go right at that moment without him needing to say another word.
"So," Twilight continued, "you then pull the black chain." She actually pulled that one. They both watched as the waters rapidly flowed out of the gray cylinder and it filled back up a second later. "That chain works just like the normal chain or handle that would flush a human toilet. Flushing works the same way here."
"Okay, awesome," Jack muttered, "now, if you all don't mind." He shot angry glances at Twilight and the other three humans. They all nodded and backed out of the bathroom.
"Just don't pull the blue chain," Twilight remarked, waving a hoof in the air as she back looked up hopefully.
"Got it."
"Just don't," she repeated. "It's not worth it. And it's not what you think. It's for cleaning up mares only."
"Fine." He dismissively waved a hand.
"Don't!"
"Seriously," Jack said as he slammed the door shut.
The normal noises that Twilight expected soon filtered through the closed door. Twilight took another deep breath. She reared back and stood on her hind hooves, clopping her front hooves together. She grinned, her adorable looking cheeks matching her sunny feeling, and she gazed at the other three humans. "Well, then, that went swimmingly."
"Sure," replied the tallest one.
"What's your name, again?" Twilight asked, brushing up against his leg. The man looked incredibly tanned and fit, his short black hair matching his sharp black sunglasses.
"You never asked that the first time," he calmly replied, smirking. "It's Robin."
Twilight flinched before Robin's huge right hand shook her hoof. She looked over at the two other guys, who both seemed in good spirits. "Sure." She gestured over towards the open door to the kitchen at the far end of the hallway. "Let's move on to 'Household Development Part G'. You guys can work on your paperwork as we wait there."
"Yeah, I'll get that done," said one of the theretofore silent humans. He brushed his hands against his lint-coated dark grey shirt and pushed up his coke-bottle glasses.
"Graham, was it?" Twilight asked.
He nodded. Twilight glanced over at the final human, leaning up against the wall several feet away from them all and totally engrossed in some small silver something in his hands. He glanced up for a moment, and, catching Twilight's gaze, he pointed at the thick green nametag on his chest. Twilight read 'Welcome to Northwestern University - Illinois / My Name is Cody / Secretarial Assistant' to herself quietly, and she nodded. Cody went right back to his odd silver something.
"Let's go," Graham suggested.
After a few steps towards the kitchen, a bloodcurdling scream rippled through the air from inside the bathroom. Loud sounds of rushing water and slapping flesh followed in a split-second. Twilight groaned as she pushed the other humans back, ordering them wordlessly to stay put, and she rushed over to the bathroom door.
"Oh, Celestia," Twilight moaned as she flung open the door. The horrible, wet slapping sounds went on. "I'll get the creamy salve."
To Be Continued...
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He pulled the blue chain, didn't he. Why do they never listen when she tells them not to pull the blue chain
ugh mental images thanks
Well, toilets that have the ability to rip one's dick off is not good design...at all. >:|
Brilliance is what I've come to expect of Swiper, and it hath been delivered yet again.
I can't decide whether or not I want to know what the blue chain does....
Thanks for the comments!
Also, ah, I didn't have in mind that the blue chain causes the device to remove your manhood (I refer to Peaches surviving it more or less okay), it just involves, ah, things that would feel weird... and so on...
Will this story ever turn cloppy?
892473
Ahhhh... no. It's meant just as a silly comedy.
[insert joke about starting the story with "toilet humor" here]
So, does whatever sends humans to Equestria select for a lack of common sense or self-preservation instincts, or is it a side effect of the magical overload they get upon arrival?
897984
There's a mixed bag. A lot of humans over there seem to be more of the derp-ish sort.
that dumb bastard pulled the blue chain
Oh dear god. what does it do?!
im tracking dis shit
And then they were shipped to the Rainbow Factory, and they lived happily ever after...
Except Jack, who became a trany dancer in Manehatten to support his "blue chain" addiction
At twilight going "A-ha!" I expected one of them to say something like "you too! I Love that band!" * takes out electric key board and sings "Take on me"*
Toilets, why you so scary?
Man, I'm already in love with this one.
920084
Hehe, thanks!
I never thought Equestrian toilets would be so complicated, but I suppose when one is quasi-quadrupedal...
i wonder what happens when you pull the blue chain
Don't Pull the Blue Chain, Don't even pull it. Pull it, and your in trouble. It works increadibly fast, so increadibly fast that as soon as you pull the blue chain it's already too late.
That...was like ignoring the Doctor's advice on weeping Angles.
On a related note,
Good work Swiper.
963516
Thanks!
886070
It's like the Discworld Wizard mentality. If a Wizard is told not to do something, they'll do it to see WHY they shouldn't. If a Wizard came across a door with the words: 'Do not open under any circumstances. We're Serious, opening this door will lead to then end of all life as you know it' they'll open it to see what all the fuss is about.
Ironically, if you don't want them to touch something, either don't mention it or tell them to touch it. odds are 50-50 they'll leave the damn thing alone.
they should be naked