Twilight and Her Humans

by SwiperTheFox

Human Three (Graham)

"Let's keep going," Twilight remarked, watching as Nurse Redheart and the cart containing Cody's food-soaked body faded into a mere spot in the horizon. She turned over to Graham and Robin. The two of them both held Cody's somehow pristine-looking iPod in their hands, looking amazed that it still could work and trying to reset it as they leaned up against the side wall of Twilight's library. Twilight cleared her throat loudly.

"No offense, but," Robin began, scooting over to the side and glancing about at the marvelous bright tulips and neatly trimmed shrubberies across the side of Twilight's place. "This all has been rather crazy, to say the least."

"No need to say any more," Twilight commented, holding up an understanding hoof and lowering her eyes. She trotted over to the teenagers and opened the door for them. "I've already decided that we'll make today's immigration class a 'half day', and we'll just have brunch early."

"Ahh, sweet," Graham said, grabbing his glasses and wiping them off of his sweat-stained shirt.

Twilight led them into her library and pointed over at another door that they had just walked by before. Robin opened it up, took a few steps in, and looked about the huge conference room. Motivational posters with ponies leaping over burning trees, staring down immense monsters in the shadows, building immense dams, and doing other such feats decorated all around the walls. A variety of plain yet comfortable looking white tables with matching padded white chairs laid out in the middle of the room.

Graham sat down at the table nearest the center of the room. He stared straight down at where his side of the room, filled with tables, met with the flat stage-like area with intricate gray tiles on the floor and a small, neat fireplace— all on the right side of the room. Robin followed over while putting Cody's iPod into his back pocket. They both made small sighs.

"Now, it would be just peachy," Twilight said, stepping over in front of the teenagers, "if we could use this early brunch constructively." She clutched a saddlebag underneath her. "And have you both finally finish filling out your immigration forms—" She pulled out two stacks of papers, one tinted slightly yellow and another tinted slightly blue.

Their loud groans made Twilight pause for a moment, and she swished her tail between her legs. Robin took off his sunglasses and rested them upon the edge of the table. Twilight thought for a moment that his large, golden-ish brown-ish eyes looked like something from one of those human movie stars she'd heard about.

"Alright, I know," she said, holding up another understanding hoof. "It's tedious. I promise that it'll go by a lot faster if you just both sit down and run through them. Just get it over with." She reached over with her mouth and gave both teenagers pens. "Now, I'll just grab what Spike has made for you two." She made a warm smile as she trotted out of the room.

"I don't freaking believe this," Robin remarked, turning to the spot where he had left on the yellow papers. He took a little breath before bubbling more holes in.

"Can you believe these questions?" Graham asked, holding up the section that he had just gotten to. He arched an eyebrow as he chuckled.

=> Have you ever publicly dressed with clothing made by yourself out of discarded industrial materials?
[Yes] [No]

=> Have you ever deposited your ejaculate into someone else's food or drink for the purposes of your own enjoyment?
[Yes] [No]

"I like how they phrased it as 'deposited'," Robin said, leaning back in his chair, "as if they were talking about going to a Bank of America ATM or something with your... yeah..."

"Twilight didn't write this herself, did she?" Graham scratched along his shoulder for a moment.

"Of course she didn't." Robin tapped his legs idly against the side of the table. "I'm sure some official-type ponies in Celestia's office did it."

"Here we are!" Twilight called out, balancing a tray on her back. She walked over from the door and slid the tray down the teenagers' table. They both eyed the glasses of sparkling blue slushies and savory-looking grilled-cheese sandwiches, a smattering of mashed potatoes on the sides. "Of course, you can still fill out your forms while eating." She put on a nagging, mother-like facial expression that she'd used on Spike countless times.

The teenagers shifted about in their chairs for a moment before grabbing their drinks. They went on with their forms, much to Twilight's approval. She turned around, feeling confident at how 'that look' seemed to work every time, and she nabbed a tripod leaning up against the wall. She tugged it over to the middle of the stage area, the stack of immense papers stuck to the top of the tripod jiggling with her every move.

"Okay, so I’ll be giving you a presentation on ‘Equestrian Anatomy and Physiology Basics’," Twilight remarked, hunting around for a ruler that she had left in the conference room somewhere. "We can still get at least some semblance back of being on schedule, hopefully." She crossed her hooves for good luck.

"Twilight, seriously," Robin said after munching down half his sandwich. "I understand that you need to know a lot." He tapped his fingers upon his sack of administrative forms. Twilight kept her ears perked over towards him as she scurried about the room, looking everywhere." And Christ knows that you immigrating to the U.S. would be a billion times harder and nastier than what we're doing." Twilight slid her ruler out from underneath a dresser and smiled.

Twilight fiddled with her ruler, brushing it up against the edge of the table. She tried to give Robin a really sympathetic look. She didn't make the diplomatic rules, Celestia's administration did, even though she had enormous powers to change things.

"Some of these questions are worse than useless," Robin went on. "Just look at this." He held up the two ones that Graham had just laughed at.

Twilight stared at the sheet of paper. She crumpled onto the floor, looking over at her own slushie that she had brought on the teenagers' tray. Weeks and weeks of preparation, and she still could hardly stand explaining past human behavior to the new immigrants.

"Well?" Graham asked just before finishing his mashed potatoes.

"We, ah, ponies," Twilight replied, standing up and clearing her throat, "we have no problem with the customs on your human world. We simply ask that you respect our Equestrian society and culture, allowing for mutual toleration."

"Surely," Robin began, "you haven't had some young brat drop into Equestria and dribble his—"

"Every two weeks."

"What?"

"That happens about every two weeks," Twilight continued, brushing her mane while trying to find the right words. "As I just said, we ponies have no problem with human social norms. I'm sure that introducing such—" She closed her eyes, fighting a blush. "Alternative toppings for food and drink is a reasonable custom on your planet among certain populations adolescent males." She walked over to the tripod while grasping her drink. "But, well, we would prefer that you refrain from those sorts of things during your stay in Equestria."

Robin opened his mouth to say something back, but his mind went back. He decided to just nod. Graham did the same. They both returned to their paperwork, just flowing through the sheets.

“And, can I be sort of ‘real’ for a second, or so you say it on your world,” Twilight said, making air quotes, as she frowned. “I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to bite down on a nice, wet bowl of salad coated in white sauce and croutons with a smiling human staring at you through the window, only to… discover…” She made an angry look straight upwards as she leaned back upon the tripod. “Or, when you’ve got a nice brownie coated in what you think is just clean, normal whipped cream only to… and… just…” She pressed her hooves against her face. “Seriously! I just fantasize about seeing myself give humans a taste of their own medicine, picturing in my mind’s eye—” A shifty grin flashed over her face, her hooves still rubbing the top of her head. “Sliding a plate of their food underneath my…”

Graham let out a nervous cough. Twilight looked up, and she saw the teenagers staring at their already mostly eaten plates. Their faces turned sharply pale; their mouths left slightly open.

“Let’s forget it,” she muttered, standing back upwards.

“Why the hell is it only the 'forever alone' types or the Steve Stifler pervy weirdos or the stoner-ish slackers that end up in Equestria?” Robin whispered to himself, reaching over to clean his glasses. “No Rhodes scholars or the like ever get here? Not ever?”

"So," Twilight remarked, clopping her front hooves. "That stuff and eating Fluttershy's animals, cutting down cursed trees from the Everfree Forest, throwing tomatoes at ponies underneath bridges, and other things that we've had to deal with from your particular gender and age group... I'm sure that you both will have nothing to do with that." She smiled. "How far are you in your paperwork?"

"Almost done," Graham remarked, sipping from his drink.

"Done," Robin said about a minute later, putting his pen down and smiling. Graham didn't feel any pressure, taking his time going through the questions, but he looked up with a satisfied expression just a moment later.

"Great," Twilight said, walking over and holding up her saddlebag resting below the table. The teenagers shoved their papers in place. "Let’s get started with our ‘Equestrian Anatomy and Physiology Basics’ session.” She cleared her throat while tapping against her tripod. “Naturally, none of you need to know things that much in depth. We can just give you thumbnail sketches, and we’ll go into some things about pony lives that aren’t really ‘anatomical’ per se but are cultural.”

"Alright," both Robin and Graham muttered. They looked over to the left as the door creaked open. Spike poked his head out, a familiar sight to both humans, and he made a rotating sort of sign with his paws. Twilight gestured over at the mostly empty drinks. Spike made a thumbs up and popped back out of the room.

“Alright, so let’s go ahead and get started,” said Twilight as she rested herself against her huge tripod. “We’ll talk about Equestrian society and then go into the nuts of bolts of things. Since it's better to just lay things out than wait and lead you both on, I'll make it clear. Yes. This will include ‘Equestrian Sex Education’."

The teenagers curled forwards in their chairs, both of them blinking.

Twilight brushed her ruler against the tripod. She flipped over to the first page, an illustration of two happy unicorns sitting on a mossy stump watching a river flow besides them. "It should go without saying that all of this is going to be informative. Nothing salacious or titillating will be happening here. Is that understood?”

Nods followed in less than a second.

"Alright, so by this point you both have seen maps of Equestria," Twilight said, walking about the stage as she talked. "You know that we in Ponyville are out of the way of most of the goings on— events centered in Hoofington, Canterlot, and other major cities. However, almost all of the humans that have arrived have popped up here. My friends and I, whom you've all met—" Twilight stopped, wondering if they actually had met Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash. She had trouble telling humans apart at times, especially those with similar facial features.

"They're, ah," Robin said, wondering whether to be honest or diplomatic. He scratched his right cheek for a moment. "They're all nice." Fluttershy in particular at least had gotten to the point where she could wave to humans, although she seemed to have a heart attack when any of them dared to approach her. Robin could hardly blame her after having seen her pet bunnies turn into stew at the hands of some ignorant teenagers.

"We have an important role as the ‘Elements of Harmony’," Twilight went on, "and we've played a role in some interesting things over the past year, and... ah..." She stopped again, sipping her drink. She watched as Spike popped into the room with more refreshments. "Silly me, if I start talking about that, I'll have to go into 'History'. We were going to table all that information until later." She picked up her clipboard from her saddlebag at her hooves and took a deep breath, combing through pages.

"Thanks, Spike," Robin said, picking up his new glasses. Graham silently did the same.

"Let’s start with demographics," Twilight said, looking up from her clipboard over at the teenagers. She smiled as she saw that Spike had gotten her several cold drinks— she’d probably need all of them with that crowd. “There’s an interesting history to Equestria, and our politics and government have various particulars that you wouldn’t be familiar with. We’ll talk about that in later classes. Right now, we’ll focus on Ponyville.” She flipped to the next illustration on the tripod— a sugary sweet image of Fluttershy with Pinkie Pie and the Cakes in the middle of the city’s market street. “All through the country, we have about one third of ponies being unicorns, one third being earth ponies, and the rest being pegasii. In our town, it’s more like forty percent earth ponies, forty percent unicorns, and the rest…”

Robin, not sure what to think, made a thumbs up. Graham simply stared blankly at Twilight. She glanced over at them and nodded.

“The picture sort of illustrates that. It also sort of illustrates another interesting thing. Female ponies outnumber male ponies here,” Twilight said, smacking her ruler at the smiling face of Mr. Cake, “by a two to one margin or so. When you walk through the street, you might think of the city as all girls.” She made a little laugh, although she didn’t quite know why. She found it so interesting how male humans often considered it suffocating somehow— overcome with the femininity. “This sort of thing is true for most cities in Equestria, even a place such as ‘Coltsville’.”

“Why, though?” Robin asked. “You already know that it’s so different on our planet.”

“It’s fascinating,” Twilight replied, her face lighting up as she had hoped he’d ask that question. “The answer is in the particulars of our anatomy.” She went over to the next illustration. The teenagers stared intensely at the schematic drawing of a mare leaning up against a wall— the various blood vessels, organs, and the like laid bare. “Much as we are able to breathe the same air and communicate, in large part due to the mutations of your bodies during the unknown process that transported you here—” She paused, hoping that this reminder didn’t make the humans cringe.

The teenagers didn’t seem to care as they glanced down at their bodies. They had long gotten used to what they had called their ‘half-cartoony’ look when Twilight first brought them into her library, their figures overlaid with this pastel, bright-colored sheen that seemed to simplify every inch of them. Cody in particular had constantly compared his fingers to the device in his hands, although Twilight hadn’t recognized it as an iPod at the time.

Twilight had already seen human news programs on human electronic devices before. She had marveled time and time again at how dirty, crude, and gritty humans looked on their planet compared to on Equestria. Their planet looked so sad, overly detailed, and worn.

“And?” Robin asked, snapping Twilight out of her reverie.

“And,” she said, referring the teenagers to the anatomical illustration, “you can see that ponies are quite different than you humans on the inside. The first thing you’ll see is that our hearts are farther up, closer to our necks, than resting in the middle of our chests. You’ll also see that our blood system involves far less in the way of veins, arteries, and the like. Metaphorically speaking: instead of having sprawling road system with loads of side streets, we just rely on major highways and occasional onramps… and you both can see how this relates to our extra lungs compared to you humans.”

All this seemed to zoom over Graham’s head. He gazed down at the small cerulean chunks of ice bobbing about in his slushie. Robin faced Twilight directly and had his hand on his lips, looking transfixed by Twilight’s words.

“You’re not studying to be doctors or anything, so there’s no need for that much detail,” Twilight continued, stepping over right in front of the drawn mare. “Yet you can see the fundamental pattern that I need to drill down to you today. We ponies are made of the same stuff as you humans. Hearts, kidneys, capillaries, and so on… we just are arranged in subtly different ways. Think of LEGO pieces that can make a star-fighter as well as a regular commercial plane.” She liked that metaphor a lot, something that she could thank Nurse Redheart’s human boyfriend for.

“And ponies are mostly girls because,” Robin began, taking in a little breath, “ah… is that from the extra lungs? Do mares spout out more hot air or something?” Graham chuckled as Robin just smiled.

“Our understanding of humans,” Twilight answered, rubbing her ruler along the drawn mare’s back at various small orange orbs, “is that they are default female. The presence of the y-chromosome activates a set of genetic chain reactions that develop male-oriented traits, all of this closely relating to specific hormones. Our genetics work a bit differently, given the natural role of magic transmitted from mother to foal, but the broad trend is also true. Our scientists have hypothesized that our cosmic blanket that has protected us from cosmic rays is related to our, compared to humans, underdeveloped levels of male hormones. There’s a large selectivity bias against the y-chromosome in pony development— with other, selfish-like genes pushing it out of the way.”

“Twilight,” Graham interjected. Twilight stopped talking, reaching over for her drink. “This is, again, way too much.”

“Oh, of course, you don’t have to know that much about it,” Twilight said, flipping over to the next illustration. Robin recognized it as two cells with membranes around them and various things floating inside them compared side by side while Graham just groaned slightly. “Just keep in mind the simple refrain. We’re the same stuff, just arranged differently.” She paused for a moment before tapping both cells. “You can see that these are both mostly the same but with key differences. Human beings get their chemical energy from these large blue blobby things here—” She leaned over and put her face against the paper. “Called ‘mitochondria’. Ponies have, instead, a gigantic array of tiny ‘bioblasts’ that apply magic into raw organic materials directly, getting chemical energy for our cells that way.”

“Twilight,” Robin said, pulling down his sunglasses.

“It’s a bit much, I know,” Twilight replied, leaning over and looking through the various upcoming illustrations. “And you don’t need to know details, again…” She didn’t have much time to go through the upcoming topics. She knew it, and it frustrated her deeply as she rubbed her cheek against her drink.

“Look, it’s okay,” Robin said, taking off his sunglasses completely and making a warm smile. Twilight saw his big eyes seem to narrow, a smooth facial expression going over him. “We get it. Ponies are different in some ways but mostly the same in very basic structure. In terms of medicine, foods, and all that stuff, we have to be careful about what humans get versus what ponies get. We are aliens, after all. Graham and I understand that.”

Graham actually looked as if he would fall asleep at any moment. Twilight nodded anyways and picked up her ever-present clipboard, stepping away from her clipboard. “Well, ah,” she muttered, tossing papers up and down. “We could skip that. We could skip those things too, maybe. You don’t need to know about getting cutie marks, going through heat cycles, and other particulars of pony life at all, really, not even in thumbnail sketch form.” She took a gulp before going through the rest of the items. “Well, the immigration class is about assimilation anyways. That’s all about ‘what one needs to know, practically’.” Twilight put on an airy voice as she quoted Princess Celestia’s words to her. “As long as you both have that intuition developed about not necessarily taking pony medicine, eating pony foods, et cetera unless you know it’s okay, same thing with human stuff and ponies, then we can run ahead to the last part of the anatomy session.”

“I should remind you that I’ve seen an Equestria refrigerator explode today,” Robin commented, shifting his head about as he rested it on his right hand. “I’ll treat mixing human things with pony things with caution. It’s drilled into my mind.”

“Then,” Twilight replied, “let’s skip to—”

“What? Moving ahead?” Graham murmured, staggering about in his chair and getting back to attention. He rubbed a little drool from the side of his face.

“Yes, ‘Equestrian Sex Education’,” Twilight said, brushing her mane with both front hooves before scooting over a chair to her position in the middle of the room. “Aside from understanding the warnings about food and medicine, learning CPR for ponies, and…” She glanced through her clipboard one last time before looking over at the teenagers. “Well, there’s some other important things. We’ll get that done tomorrow. But, practically, these things that we talk about in sex education will come up ASAP for you guys if they haven’t already.”

“We’re really going into sex education now?” Robin asked, raising an eyebrow. He still didn’t quite understand if she was playing some kind of joke or not. Graham simply nudged his fingers all over his face nervously.

“Before you ask, I’ll get some things out the way.” Twilight sucked in a gigantic breath before slumping down in her chair, closing her eyes. “Yes, I have. Yes, I have with humans. Yes, I have with girls of both groups. No, I’m not interested in giving details.” She rubbed her bottom hooves together. “Got that?”

“Yes,” both Graham and Robin replied, feigning innocence. Robin had already picked up rumors of Twilight’s surprisingly long list of partners from the human grapevine. He suspected it anyways just from the fact that he’d seen time and time again back in California the nerdiest girls always being the biggest and most creative sex fiends.

“I’ll just get you your illustration pieces,” Twilight said as she walked over to the end of the humans’ table. She pulled out a small brown box with her teeth and propped in front of them. They both pulled out two model ponies and two model humans for themselves, all of the figurines naked.

Robin scratched his head while Graham made a light popping sound. Although they looked mostly like the sort of dolls that they could have bought from Target or Walmart, Twilight had made the figurines anatomically correct. They both stood the fake humans up and put them on the backs of the fake ponies, legs curled around the fake ponies’ sides.

“Good, now,” Twilight said, standing over away from them and eyeing her drink, “you will not be seeing anything explicit. There will be no ‘live tests’ or anything like that. Get everything else out of your mind. We will just use those little anatomically correct figures in your hands right now as well as go through a short lecture based on these drawn images on the tripod. Okay, so I see you’ve already gotten a good look at those.”

Twilight sipped her drink, watching the teenagers as they examined every last inch of the pieces. They couldn’t help but giggle profusely as they tried to fit the pieces together into various positions, bending all of their arms and legs around while making cheesy sound effects. Twilight made a tiny sigh.

“You have a human female, lets call her ‘Sherry’, and a human male, say ‘Brian’. And there’s a pony female, ‘Spring’, along with a pony male, ‘Blueberry’.” Twilight flashed back to when Pokey Pierce had named the pony figurines ‘Rarity’ and ‘Mac’, not even thinking of the embarrassment when Twilight had rehearsed the sex education class in front of her friends.

Graham and Robin seemed to barely pay attention to Twilight, both of them independently trying to position their figurines into orgies. Graham made a motorboat-like noise with his fingers over his mouth. Robin snickered. Twilight tried hard to keep herself from laughing at the scene, her drink poised over her face.

“Ahem!” Twilight called out. “You know, if you could only see yourself playing with dolls like that—”

“Oh, ah, right,” Robin said, blushing a bit before pushing the figurines over to the end of the table. He stood up straight in his seat. Graham did the same just a moment afterward.

“Good,” Twilight said. “Now, then, let’s go over some other basics of pony anatomy quickly before we go on. We will compare and contrast human and pony males as well as females. This class here, of course, assumes— correctly, I know for sure in your cases—” Twilight leaned over right in front of Graham and Robin’s faces. “That you’ve had some human-centered sex education coursework over on your planet.”

Graham, obviously the lesser experienced of the two in such sensitive matters, pressed his glasses back on his face and shifted to the side in his chair a few inches. Robin just took in a little breath. Twilight leaned up upon her tripod and flipped over to the first page of her presentation.

The teenagers gazed at the picture of Big Mac with Pinkie Pie’s human baking assistant, nicknamed ‘Snoopy’. Snoopy had poised over Mac in the middle of Sugarcube Corner, prepared to smash Mac’s face with a small blueberry pie. Mac, an uncharacteristic goofy smile over his face, had shot his hooves over Snoopy’s bare feet, clearly tickling him.

“Let’s look at males first. To simplify things, we’ll look at earth ponies and unicorns only.” Twilight pointed with a ruler at the page. “As you can see, a typical adult stallion is rather smaller than the typical adult man. Of course, as you’d expect, every single individual is unique. One can find enormous stallions and tiny men. However, looking at averages helps a lot.” She looked out and saw the teenagers taking in her words well, and she let herself relax a bit. “The average man inside Equestria stands five feet eleven inches tall and weighs just a bit under two-hundred pounds. The average stallion stands three feet four inches tall and weighs one-hundred-sixty pounds.”

“Seems right,” Robin remarked, tapping a pencil upon his cheek.

“Broadly speaking, a male unicorn and a man have the same kind of strength, but the man will be slower. Things such as agility, reflex, vitality, and so on are too individual-specific to generalize. A male earth pony is both far stronger and far faster,” Twilight continued. “It should go without saying that about every stallion that you meet will treat you kindly and generously in Ponyville, kindness and human-familiarity being sort of our thing.” She tried to think back before the first strange bipedal creature had appeared. It all felt like millennia ago, and town residents other than holdouts such as Fluttershy or pranksters such as Silver Spoon treated a new human as casually as they treated Spike.

The teenagers’ eyes popped up wider as Twilight flicked over to the next page. The medical-type illustration showed a human male lying on a couch besides a stallion, both of them positioned with the areas between their legs aimed at the direction of a nearby half-open window. Robin blinked rapidly for a moment.

“Ah, so are they going to be ‘releasing themselves’ out the window onto the crowd nearby or what?” Graham asked, coughing.

“Just… just…” Twilight stepped away from her chair and took another big, long look at the painting— a recent replacement for the old image. A cold chill ran up her back. “Oh, dear sweet Celestia, it looks like that doesn’t it?” Robin and Graham both fought laughs. “Who the hay actually drew this thing anyways?” She paused, grabbing the tip of the paper with her hoof and examining the tiny signature and artist’s message. “Artwork courtesy of P. D. Pie Enterprises? Please check out our ninety-five related pieces? Really?” Twilight thought over her pink friend’s odd hobbies before shaking her head and tapping against the desk softly with her ruler. “Please… ignore most of the image. Okay? Just focus on the two characters. You ought to refer to your figurines right now for Brian and Blueberry.”

The teenagers dutifully held their pieces up in the air in front of them.

“Now, then,” Twilight said, hunting back for the emotionless, neutral-sounding words that she had rehearsed time and time before. “You can see that the fundamental male components work the same for both creatures. They appear basically the same for each. They also have the color that the male has over the rest of their body, for the most part, albeit stallions will tend to have a lighter, more pinkish tone on their male components. Sensitivity is the same. The only real difference is that of size.”

Graham and Robin both melted in their seats, feeling particularly inadequate as the realization sunk in.

“Blueberry here, the typical stallion, is about fourteen inches long and six and a half inches wide in circumference. Brian, in contrast, is about five and a half inches long and four inches wide in circumference,” Twilight said, sliding her ruler up and down the particular male areas in question on the paper illustration. “Of course, these are measurements taken during full invigoration, and size during periods without invigoration is completely irrelevant.”

“Aaaah, does… and… with…” Graham muttered, turning several different shades of red. He didn’t even know if he had a real question.

“And,” Twilight continued, “while individual factors make most of the difference, we can observe somewhat of a trend. Brian here will naturally remain invigorated for about two minutes after the first stimuli. Otherwise, protracted invigoration is up to his own management and stamina.” Twilight reached for yet another cold drink, having already emptied several. She flashed back to her various conversations with Princess Celestia and others as to how delicately to word things. Ultimately, she just had to do her best herself. “Blueberry will remain so naturally for about ten minutes. Same thing applies after that point. Should Blueberry release emissions during this period—”

She locked eyes with the two teenagers. They remained hooked on her every word, although both appeared mildly disgusted. Graham in particular seemed to constantly scrub his sweaty, thick neck with his right hand, jittering a little bit.

“Blueberry will produce about an Equestrian tablespoon’s worth of male reproductive material. Brian will produce about an Equestrian teaspoon’s worth. And, again, individual circumstances vary.”

“Vary,” Robin repeated, leaning back in his chair.

“Vary a lot,” Twilight said. She started to flip over to the next illustration before stopping halfway. “Ah, Graham and Robin…” She took a gulp. “No offense intended in the slightest, but I believe that neither of you would be interested in expanding our discussion on stallions to—”

“Yeah, just skip it,” Robin remarked.

Twilight went on, “to involve same-gender situations whether pony with pony or pony with human—”

“Skip it!” Graham called out.

Twilight and Robin watched as Graham seemed to sweat even more than before, squirming in his chair. “It’s… and… I…” He sniffed a moment before idly tapping a pencil in his right hand. “I just don’t like that stuff. I don’t hate anyone. I just can’t stand it.”

“Fair enough,” Twilight said, flipping several pages in advance. She stood beside a beautiful copy of a painting with a country mare and a fancy dressed woman, both of them smiling and laughing. Rarity had supplied that print copy from her own private collection, which Twilight had long appreciated. “Let’s talk about mares.”

“Right,” Robin said, lighting up with his shoulders going back. Graham just sat back with a flat expression over his face, not wanting to attract any more attention to himself.

“Once again, we’ll look at earth ponies and unicorns only.” Twilight slid side to side in the middle of the floor, idly rubbing her hind hooves against her ruler. “Just as with males, a typical mare is significantly smaller than the typical woman. Males are larger than females on both planets, generally speaking. The average woman inside Equestria stands five feet five inches tall and weighs one-hundred-fifty pounds. The average mare stands three feet one inch tall and weighs one-hundred and ten pounds. Generalities all, but useful ones.”

Both teenagers nodded, having seen lots of mares all through Ponyville around that size. They waited in sheer anticipation for the next part.

“Both unicorns and earth ponies appear to, on average, be stronger and faster than women,” Twilight went on. “Other traits vary too much, and research is ongoing.”

“And?” Graham asked, his legs giggling underneath the table.

“And,” Twilight repeated, flipping over to the next illustration. The teenagers leaned up in their seats and blinked, their hearts starting to race. They gawked at the drawn image of a tall, slender earth pony with her body propped atop a section of dandelions, her rear pushed upwards with her tail wrapped around her back. The artist seemed to spare no detail on the mare’s back body.

Twilight nervously coughed. She snapped her ruler down against the floor, bringing the teenagers back to attention. She sipped her glass for a moment before moving on.

“Ponies don’t normally wear clothes. Yet it’s also clearly understood, for purposes of modesty, that mares should keep their tails down to block view of their feminine areas. Pony society strongly discourages staring as well as any attempt to sneak unwanted peeks. Ponies don’t flaunt themselves that directly— that’s scandalous type behavior. This should really go without saying,” Twilight commented.

“Without saying,” Robin repeated in a way that made it clear he didn’t consider obtaining unwanted peeks such a bad idea.

“As you have seen, clearly,” Twilight said, her slightly irritated tone for that last word leading the teenagers to stand up straighter and put on more calm, student-looking facial expression. “Mares have longer and— although this you can’t see in this image— deeper feminine components than their human counterparts. The inner cavity that holds the male component reaches about four and a half inches long for a woman until the opening to the— the—” Twilight froze, forgetting her euphemism.

“Look, you can just say ‘womb’,” Robin muttered, leaning his head against his right arm.

“Womb.” She drank up the last of her glass, muttering to herself how she had gotten to the point of explaining Equestrian anatomy to alien creatures. She wondered if some divine being that had created her universe was laughing at her at that moment. “Alright.” She fantasized about throwing her drink upon the floor and smashing it into a million pieces. “A woman’s inner cavity is also about four inches wide in circumference. As for the external feminine components, ah, one can observe—”

“The exact size in inches doesn’t really matter, seriously,” Robin remarked. “It’s way too much detail.”

“Well, it does matter, just,” Twilight muttered. She sipped her next drink while sitting down.

“I’m just saying that I can’t imagine anypony showing up to their marefriend’s bedroom with a tape-measure in their pocket,” Robin commented, scuffing his hair as he giggled.

“I know,” Twilight said, “I’m just trying to get some important things across.” She brushed her mane with her ruler in frustration.

“We get it,” Graham remarked. He shifted backwards in his seat as the sweat poured down from his cheeks onto his shoulders and neck. “Pony girls are, ah, longer. In between their legs. They’re like one and a half times as long stretching down as human girls.”

“Broadly speaking, yes,” Twilight said. She cursed the day that she had to be put into that position— explaining such things to group after group of humans. It seemed more art than science, and she still couldn’t quite make it work even after weeks and weeks of trial and error.

“Since stallions are so much bigger, both longer and wider, mares have to be bigger too. Both in their, ah, ‘internal components’ and their ‘external components’,” Robin said. “It’s common sense, really.”

“Sure,” Twilight replied.

“So, ah…” Graham murmured.

“The operative question is,” Robin asked.

“If it’s a pony and a… a something that’s not a pony together…” Graham said.

“Do the…” Robin muttered.

“The…” Graham muttered.

“Do the parts really fit?” the two of them finally spat out.

Twilight blinked. The teenagers blinked as well. They all suddenly realized that they had leaned up until they stood mere inches from each other’s faces— panting going on all around.

Twilight awkwardly cleared her throat. “Yes and no.”

The teenagers collapsed backwards in their seats, glancing straight upwards at the ceiling. They tapped their feet against the legs of the table. Twilight fought back her enormous blush.

“Okay, to make things even clearer than the figurines and my upcoming illustrations—” Twilight stopped as she noticed, to her momentary horror, that the teenagers had accidentally broken the pieces of male anatomy clear off of the pieces in their attempted orgy scene. “I brought a simpler demonstration.” She stepped off of the stage in front of the teenagers as they both anxiously jiggled around in their places. She opened up the dresser on the far side of the room and pulled out a cooler. As Graham and Robin watched, Twilight he propped it up on the table.

“What the hell is this?” Robin asked, peering into the open cooler.

Twilight pulled out two long, thick hot dogs, two pastry buns, and two long, dripping wet socks. She gave one of each to each teenager and took a deep breath. It took Robin a few seconds for him to get it. Graham, for his part, just looked totally confused, pulling his glasses off. He seemed so embarrassed that he wanted to cry.
“You… want… and…” Robin murmured.

“Look at your assigned hot dog,” Twilight calmly replied. Robin did so. “Pick it up. Shift yourself away from the table.” Graham silently looked on as Robin followed Twilight’s every command.

Robin held up the stubby hot dog in the air in front of him. His fingers gently slid up and down the sides. It seemed maybe on the small side, at about five inches long, but it seemed just four inches around or so in terms of circumference. The slippery thing felt so cold upon his fingers.

“Now, look down at that.”

Robin’s assigned sock, dripping wet from every inch, seemed at least a dozen inches long although not by much more. He anxiously shivered as he pushed his hand forwards and pulled the sock out straight. The width seemed just right as well. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to calm his fast-beating heart.

“Now, Robin,” Twilight said, making a playful smile as she tossed her mane about although she knew that she shouldn’t. “See if the parts fit when it’s a human male crossing the planetary boundary.”

Never before had a wet sock meant so much to a teenage boy’s heart. Robin pressed his lips together and slipped his hot dog into the end, nudging it up and down in a circle through the fabric. He pushed forwards, inch by inch taking his time, and he finally had his hot dog nestled in all the way to its end. He held the back tip of his hot dog with his fingers and throbbed it up and down, brushing up against the sides of the sock. Wetness oozed all across the table.

“It, ah, fits. Right?” Robin asked, sweat dripping down his cheeks.

“Right,” Twilight replied.

“It’s all, like slippery,” Robin muttered. “And it’s so moist. And there’s room to move about. It lets me wiggle around the loose edges.” Robin finally just shut himself up, not wanting to make things get any weirder.

“That’s all correct.”

He slid his hot dog a few inches out of the sock and twisted it around in place. “Well, this clearly feels good on this side.”

“Clearly,” Twilight coyly repeated.

Robin closed his eyes and pressed his lips together. He squeaked out, “What about from the sock’s position? How does it feel?”

“You seem to have nudged around in so many ways, brushing all around the moistness,” Twilight commented, still keeping that playful tone to her smooth voice. “Tell me, honestly, what would you expect the sock’s position to feel like?”

“It would,” Robin began, opening his eyes once again. He didn’t finish his sentence. He didn’t have to.

Twilight just nodded and smiled.

“What’s the catch?” Graham suddenly interjected.

Twilight turned around and sized up the overweight teenager, his fingers nervously scratching around his hairy neckline. “The what?” she asked, a genuinely confused expression flashing over her face.

“You said ‘yes and no’ when Robin asked…”

“Oh, that!” Twilight tossed a hoof into the air and smirked. “Okay. Hold out your pastry buns,” Twilight said, sticking her head back into the cooler. Graham and Robin pushed their sock and hot dog combinations to the side and grasped their buns. The white fluffy pastries both had large openings on one side for filling. They smelled great, all fresh and sugary.

“These fluffy things with the big empty cavity inside that we’re holding, they’re the, ah,” Robin muttered. He stopped, knowing that he had answered his own question already.

“Now, you’ll see what happens when it’s a human female crossing the planetary boundary.” Twilight pushed her head deeper into the cooler, and she clutched two huge things at the bottom, being extra careful with her teeth. The men watched as she shifted over with two long black logs in her mouth.

“What the?” Graham murmured. Robin tapped his hands against his temples.

Twilight plopped the two logs onto the table and took a big breath. She started to pull the thick plastic wrappings off of them. “Why, silly, just smell them!” The teenagers leaned over and took a big whiff, drinking in the delicious chocolate scent.

“Oh, I was so stupid. Damn, those are some nice candy bars!” Robin remarked. “And they’re so huge!”

“Candy chocolate fillings,” Twilight clarified, and she pushed them with her muzzle over to both Graham and Robin. “Normally, these would be pre-softened considerably before Pinkie Pie or Mrs. Cake or anypony else would load them into the pastry. But that wouldn’t work for our metaphor, would it?”

“You really mean,” Robin began.

“Exactly.” Twilight stepped back. “Now, see if the parts fit between aliens. Give those fluffy pastries their tasty fillings.” She decided not to hold back anymore, and she held her hooves up to her chin as she giggled.

Robin paused for a moment, thinking about how pretty Twilight looked when she laughed. She seemed too robotic-like and detached most of the time to him, although he knew she had to feel totally sick of accommodating and assimilating alien immigrants. Robin put all that out of his mind as he pushed open the end of his pastry bun with his fingers before trying to slide his thick rod of chocolate inside.

He squinted as he tried to line things up. Nudging the chocolate downwards, he did his best to work it slowly. Still, the tip could hardly even fit into the bun. He wiped some sweat from his brow before trying again, this time pushing down hard.

Robin let out a low moan as the pastry ripped to pieces in his hands. He stood up straight, looking on at the tattered remnants of his flaky bread. Graham tilted his chocolate rod to the side and tried to wedge it into his pastry bun at an angle. A huge hole burst out the side. Before Graham had time to react, he had accidentally shoved the filling piece to the other side. His bun also remained in ruins.

“Twilight,” Robin groaned, burying his face in his hands.

“The, ah, parts don’t fit,” Graham remarked, getting up from his place and walking over to the bookcase across from his seat. Robin watched him for a moment, feeling confused at Graham’s wiggling moves with each step and his shivering hands. Robin turned over and just stared at the remains of his pastry.

“Right,” Twilight said, sliding up to the seat besides Robin and leaning over. “So, ah, this is a large reason why alien sensual connections tend to involve human males. That, of course, is also related to the fact that most human immigrants are male while Equestria is such a female-dominated society. Magic doesn’t work on humans or even near them, but some extraterrestrial relationships use various physical accoutrements sometimes when the natural parts have, ah, difficulties.”

“Just…” Robin muttered, lying his head face down upon the table. “I get it. Okay? All that relates to us is that things, from the ‘alien’ male side, work… or…” He mumbled something incoherent as he locked his hands upon the edge of the table.

“Robin,” Twilight said, “is something wrong? I don’t… I…”

“It’s okay,” Robin murmured, rubbing his face against the table. “It just all feels way too much. I feel like— to be honest— this all feels rather unsatisfying.”

“How so?” Twilight asked, reaching out with her hoof upon Robin’s back.

*Crash!*

One of the bookcases smashed upon the ground, books scattering everywhere with the wood cracking. Robin and Twilight shot upwards, Robin ripping of his sunglasses. They hesitated for a second as they saw Graham passed out upon the floor, his head and arms propped up against the wall where the bookcase had stood.

They sped over to Graham’s side, trying their best to make his sit up straight as hands and hooves went all over him. Graham had his eyes locked shut, his arms and legs shivering over and over again. Robin leaned up next to him and clutched his chest as Graham breathed faster and faster.

“What the hell is this?” Robin called out. “You were just fine a second ago! I— ah— can you hear me? What is it?” He put his hands over onto Graham’s shoulder.

Twilight hopped to the side, ready to run out to contact Nurse Redheart once again, before Graham let out a loud moan. “Chocolate,” Graham murmured, opening up his eyes once again. Robin and Twilight saw large, puffy sores going over Graham’s skin.

“Chocolate?” Robin repeated, trying to keep Graham sitting upwards in place. The sores seemed to turn from white to a bright pink, spreading all over. Robin shook his head. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m allergic to chocolate,” Graham muttered, standing upwards. He took a deep breath and held up his arms in a Frankenstein’s-monster-like pose. Twilight and Robin froze besides him as his breathing returned to normal. Yet the sores had formed something like a thick pink coat around Graham’s body, making him look like a puffy raspberry mutant of some kind.

“I asked you if you had any allergies or needed anything or…” Twilight whispered, although she immediately mentally kicked herself for being so insensitive.

“Allergic to chocolate?” Robin repeated as Graham lurched over towards him. “Oh, dear sweet God, what is this horrible witchcraft?” Robin almost bit his lip as Robin let Graham rub the other man’s puffy hand upon Robin’s shoulder.

“Yeah, but it was never that bad before. Just a wiggling of the nose, a little itching, and sniffles. Nothing keeping me from eating it before,” Graham replied, suddenly turning about and lurching over to Twilight with big, lumbering steps.

“Oh, praise Celestia,” Twilight remarked, suddenly realizing things. She bucked up on her hind legs. “Equestrian chocolate is far more strong and potent than anything on your planet. I’ll go get help.”

“No!” Graham yelled, tossing about in place. He made his way over to the middle of the conference room’s stage. “Really, I’m fine. Fine. Let’s go on.” He brushed up against a small brown box on the floor and tried to bend over.

“Graham!” Twilight exclaimed, trotting over behind him and leaning her head back. “This is no time for being silly! I’m getting Nurse Redheart right now!” She tried to put a friendly hoof on his back.

“No, seriously!” Graham screamed, spinning about in place for a second as he recoiled from her touch. “I’m fine and th—”

Graham tripped upon the brown box and crashed upon the tripod, letting out a huge groan. Twilight put a face on her hoof in embarrassment. Robin kept on saying nothing, just pressing his back upon the wall. Twilight checked to make sure that Graham felt mostly okay before looking back at Robin. He nodded. She made an appreciative nod back and turned tail, speeding out of the room.

“Don’t worry, Nurse Redheart will take care of everything,” Twilight remarked, heading right through the hallway outside. As she made it to the door and got far enough from the humans, she prepared to teleport herself over to give the news.

“You know what?” Robin said to Graham as the bloated, sore-covered teenager rolled to the side. “You more than brought this upon this yourself. On an alien planet with something you’re allergic to, and you don’t say a goddamn thing. And then you freaking rub it all over your freaking hands? Freaking seriously?”

Graham reached up with his pink-sore coated right arm and flipped Robin the bird.

“And then,” Robin whispered, finding himself the last human that had walked into Twilight’s library still standing, “there was one.”

To Be Continued…

Comments

[Diabolic Gnome]

I am also allergic to Chocolate
it fucking
sucks

[SwiperTheFox]

940270
I'm not allergic, but-- damn-- I've heard about it and it sounds so f&$#ing horrible!

[Diabolic Gnome]

940277 about 1/4 of a Hershey chocolat bar is my limit

[nemryn]

I think a short bit on heat probably would be useful, actually. Mostly for the "What to do when a mare gets hot for your body, and how to avoid making a decision you'll both regret" angle on things.

[SwiperTheFox]

940287
Interesting...

Well, ah, I hope that you've loved this story so far (all four long chapters of it).

Any thoughts on what should happen to Robin?

[SwiperTheFox]

940314
I actually wanted to go the other way, and say that estrus time is commonly thought to mean time where the mares get all lustful and crazy but it's actually not that. Instead, like their have some weird physical thing or emotional thing happen that stallions are aware of but that human males somehow make worse.

I don't really like the "in heat, therefore boinks everything that moves" porn trope, so I thought about subverting it.

[Diabolic Gnome]

940317 Uhh... He hits his head on the door way and knocks him self out

[SwiperTheFox]

940377
Wait... what?

[Diabolic Gnome]

940379 any thoughts on what should happen to robin
he hits his head

[SwiperTheFox]

940399
Well, I'll think about it in depth later. It's pretty late.

[Speven Dillberg]

940330
My take on 'heat' is just a time a mare is almost guaranteed to get pregnant as opposed to "I NEED PENIS NOW!"
But hey, whatever you want.

[nemryn]

940330
In that case, it's probably still worth it to mention that heat isn't like they're expecting it to be. If it's just a weird emotional thing, you could still have a module on "Sometimes mares will get really weirdly emotional around you; here's why, and here's some tips to help escape the situation with minimal awkwardness."
940317
I think Robin should reveal that he's gay, and then start making out with Doctor Hooves.

[SwiperTheFox]

940418
I actually agree with that too. Heat should mean 'It's time that we make a little one, if you want' from a mare to her stallion that she's already in a relationship with.

940463
Hahahahaha

Could work! I'll think about it!

[Dragon Emperor Geon]

HOLD IT.

Graham.

Graham is my name.

Thought it was me a second. XD

Anyways, I noticed you use "Ah" a lot.

a LOT.

[Blitz the Dragon]

940059

That's cool. I'm into history and political science myself. I kinda regret not taking an economics course or two, but with all the different theories out there, and math not being my strongpoint, I never got the chance.

[Mr AJ]

Oh, great! Now rumors'll start going around about how Twilight's sex ed class sent a human to the hospital.

[SwiperTheFox]

940673
I believe that I got 'Graham' from Graham Simpson, a British musician in Roxy Music. Either that or I got it from having eaten some Graham Crackers. Anyways, funny coincidence.

Fun thing: One of the names of the four guys is my name only altered ever so slightly.

941384
Yeah, I'm odd given that I've done fairly well in math, but I'm a total introvert and paralyzed by social anxiety and other autistic-related issues. So I have math skills but my social skills are... yeah.

941696
Hahahaha

[Blitz the Dragon]

942698 A fellow Aspie, eh? Pleased to meet you.

[SwiperTheFox]

943750
Pleased to meet you too! *hugs*

I should note that I'm probably a lot more 'high functioning' than a lot of people that I've seen. So, I'll have panic-attack-y symptoms while entering, say, a country rock concert. But when I'm in there I can sort of overcome it and get into things. Same thing with small crowded groups, where I can be very alien but also fluctuate into being silly and social later on. It depends.

[IRBRONY]

947579[img]http//fillypinkieplzdeviantart.com[/img] it updatedninjaluna.deviantart.com

[conantheimp]

This was somehow more satisfying than your original crazy!Lyra version, even though the other one was funnier

[Starwind]

I suggest that Robin manages to avoid the hospitilization suffered by the other humans and watches Princess Luna's video. Afterwards, he and Twilight share an awkward moment that hints at a possible romantic relationship developing between them, only to be interrupted by Luna herself, who has come to answer any questions the humans might have about her film (she is, of course, surprised to discover only one human has avoided hospitilization). The story ends with one of three things: Robin preparing to begin his new life in Ponyville, his future uncertain; Robin suffering some catastrophe at the last minute and winding up in the hospital with the other humans; or nemryn's idea of him making out with Dr. Whooves.

Hopefully there's at least one good idea in the mess I just typed out.

[SwiperTheFox]

959004
Hmmmm... well, I'll still think about it. Sounds interesting.

[cullexoh]

I'm not allergic as such, but eat too much of the dark stuff and I get itchy as hell.

Milk chocolate i have no problems with though.

[Nectarine]

943750
And then there were three. I, too, am autistic, or to be more specific, Aspergers Syndrome.

[Nectarine]

942698
I have Aspergers. based on how many people are admitting to this, we should start a club.

[SwiperTheFox]

1293448
There should be a pony-aspergers-club on fimfiction.

Hell, I could start one myself. I have at least a fan base and some kind of platform for it.

[Muhanoid]

Allergic to chocolate?

Ben 10 reference!

... Reading...

[RainbowSchubert]

Can't wait for the next chapter, also, Dark Chocolate sucks Colt balls