• Published 15th May 2017
  • 1,027 Views, 41 Comments

Siege of Helm's Pink - Amethyst_Dawn

Pinkie Pie is many things: Bearer of the Element of Laughter, prankster, baker, friend to all, and near the top of the list is Ponyville’s resident Party Pony. However, there’s one talent Pinkie possessed that nopony ever suspected: Warlord.

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An Unexpected Setback

“A spy? In my store?” Notasapientreptillian bellowed. “Preposterous! They won’t survive long in my world, I’ll devour their hearts and crap out their souls!”

Born simply rolled his eyes, and took a roll of toilet paper out of his pocket. “Zis spy iz no amatuer, for she left behind a deadly weapon such as zis as if it were merely a calling card.” He tossed it carelessly on the table, causing all except Notasapientreptillian to flinch. “She iz eizer incredibly intelligeunt, elsewise she iz undeniably steupid. Since she has evaded my detection without fail, I can only assume it iz ze former.”

Notasapientreptillian picked up the roll, and examined it coolly. “Well, you know what they say about spies,” he hummed, “the only ones who can evade their detection… is themselves.”

Before Born could flinch, Notasapientreptillian flicked his hoof back and drove it forth: hurtling the toiletry directly into the spy’s chest. Born collapsed on the floor in a heap as the paper harmlessly bounced off of him, and didn’t get back up. The advisors stood in stunned silence, before the younger ventured to speak.

“Why did you do that?”

“Because I don’t trust spies,” Notasapientreptillian chuckled, before shoving the body off of the table, and reopening the map. “Now then, let’s get back to it…”


Discord gave a shout as he swung a giant spaghetti noodle, effectively knocking down five of the Stormchasers. He wiped the alfredo sauce off of his forehead, and drove of another attacker with his pizza shield.

“There’s too many!” Pinkie called to him, swinging a plunger at anypony who came near. “We need to get out of here! Find the Crusaders, and get them home!” She barely managed to finish speaking before he had to defend himself again.

Discord glanced across the battlefield with a sorrowed expression, flinching as a wall-eyed mailmare emptied a tube of toothpaste onto Applebloom’s foreleg, effectively crippling the once mighty General. He nodded at her, scooped up the fallen leader, and retreated to find the others.

With a heavy heart, Pinkie raised her plunger. “Fall back! Fall back to the rock!”

Rainbow Dash turned back to retreat, but glanced over her shoulder long enough to see a stiffened pony fall to the ground, revealing Thunderlane himself sitting smugly atop a golden chariot. The deadly Twilicane was held in his hoof: a weapon which froze every enemy it touched with pure awesomeness. Thunderlane had his sights set on Pinkie, and urged the Polar Bears pulling his chariot to move faster.

Rainbow turned to a random Rhinoceros that appeared by her side, which grunted aggressively. Holding up her giant inflatable microphone, she nodded to the massive mammal, and together they charged back into the fray. Pinkie looked up in time to see the pair rushing towards her, and instantly knew what they were up to.

“STOOOOOOP!” She cried in a panic, but her protests fell on deaf ears, and she could only watch in despair as the duo rushed past her in a desperate attempt to defeat the Blue Wizard.

The Rhino only made it a few yards before he was cut down by spitwads, but Rainbow plowed through all her attackers like a madmare. Derpy saw the crazed assault from above, and immediately dove down to tackle the speedster. She grappled with all her might, but only succeeded in dragging herself along with Rainbow. She took a letter from her satchel, and began furiously whacking the enraged Pegasus.

Shrugging off the attack, rainbow flung her inflatable around, and smote Derpy with such force that the mare flew back. Unfortunately, the strike also deflated her weapon, forcing her to throw it aside and resort to bananas.

Thunderlane glanced up with a sadistic grin as he noticed the prismatic blur speedily approaching him, and seamlessly dodged her banana with a flick of his neck. When she turned back to assault him, he raised the Twilicane, and there was a blinding flash of light...


“That’s going to leave a mark,” Twilight said with a wince, watching as her friend flopped onto the pavement after leaping over another pegasus riding a shopping cart. Discord was hurriedly scooping up the Crusaders as a handful of ponies wearing Stormchaser armor chased him across the lot.

“Sometimes I wonder what scenes are playing in their little heads,” Celestia cooed, smiling widely.

Starlight brightened. “I might be able to show you! I just need to cast--” she was cut off by Celestia’s hoof.

“Wonderful offer, but watching the imagination in their eyes and actions is half the fun.” The Princess chuckled in an almost motherly tone. Starlight merely nodded with a smile, and resumed her task of observing the siege.

“Albeit, only half of the fun…” Celestia tittered.


Pinkie and what little was left of her counterattack force retreated swiftly into Cardboardia as the defenses kept the Costcolt employees at bay. She felt devastated that she lost what she saw as a surefire victory, half of the griffin reinforcements falling at the hand of an Alicorn named Gary Stu. Hopes down, she left the three generals and Discord in charge as she sulked into the palace’s inn: Whinny’s End.

Solemnly, she made her way to the counter, and plopped her rump on a stool. She then proceeded to flatted her face against the bar’s surface, and didn’t even bother to look up as the owner walked up to her.

“What’ll it be, your Highness?” The aged Unicorn asked in a neighborly tone. Pinkie rolled her head to the side long enough to look him in the eye before answering.

“One super-sweet-strawberry-sunrise-surprise, Whinny, with a brownie.”

The stallion nodded quickly, and trotted to the other side of the bar, before returning with a milkshake that looked fresh from the weather factory and a small brownie in his levitation. Despite his speed, he was an elderly chap. His white mane was combed neatly, and a silky mustache of similar color decorated his lip. A small pair of reading glasses was perched on the center of his snout, and his blue eyes shone with compassion. He wore a green fleece jacket that complimented his light brown coat rather well. His full name was Fawn Avery Whinnaker, but most ponies called him Whinny.

Carefully, he placed the treats in front of the battle-worn mare, and smiled at her.

“Why the long face?” He asked with a twinkle in his eye. Pinkie just glared up at him for a moment, and his smile dropped as he nodded soberly. “Yeah, I take it the battle didn’t go so well?”

Pinkie scoffed, and lifted her head to rest on one hoof while the other took hold of the brownie. “Huh, that’s not even the beginning of it. Why can’t the manager just let us build our castle out here in the lot? It’s not like there are any cars to park here or anything, and he said himself that he had no plans for the boxes when we first started taking them. Now they’re suddenly a precious resource or something? He declared war on us for goodness sake!” She shoved the chocolate pastry into her mouth, and swallowed. “I mean, we would’ve let him in if he didn’t start off by acting all snooty.”

Whinnaker listened to her rant patiently as he cleaned a glass mug with a towel, silently quirking an eyebrow at her until she finished. Then, and only then, did he venture to speak:

“I suppose it all comes down to whether or not you really have the right to build on his property, really.” He offered calmly, getting a look of intrigue from the young pink dictator. “Think about it: he never rebuked you when you took the boxes, so even if you didn’t have explicit permission it was obvious he didn’t mind. Yet once you had built your castle on what is- or at least, was -his property, that was when he began to protest.”

Pinkie lifted her head, and tapped her chin with a hoof thoughtfully. “So, what you’re saying is that all I have to do is move Cardboardia, and all of this fighting will go away?”

Whinny bounced his head from side to side. “Essentially, that’s the idea. I can’t promise that he won’t attack again, but it’s a good thought nonetheless.”

Pinkie lingered on that for a moment, and then smiled. “You know what? I think I’ll give it a try! Thanks, Whi--”

She was cut off by a loud bang from the other side of the store, and watched as the door to the back room erupted open in time to let out a giant cloud of smoke. A tan Earth Pony stumbled out of the room in a coughing fit, his eyes effectively and completely hidden behind a his brown mop cut. Pinkie couldn’t help but notice that he wore his glasses on the outside of his hair, and wondered how that even worked.

The colt looked up with another cough, and raced frantically to the counter. “Mr. Whinnaker, Mr. Whinnaker!”

“What is it, New Jeans?” Whinny asked, concern clear in his voice.

Barely bothering to catch his breath, the youth spoke up in a panting flurry of words. “Mr. Whinnaker, I’m afraid that I must accuse Bonnie of tampering with the aviation actuator for our beloved airship! Follow me and see for yourself!”

Whinny uttered a mixture between a confused grunt and a relieved sigh as the colt siezed him by the forearm, and looked back to Pinkie. “I’d better sort this out, but you just remember what I said!”

“Alright, will do!” Pinkie called after him with a wave, returning her attention to her shake and chuckling playfully. “Now then,” she purred, wagging her tail, “let’s see how long you stay in that glass, my treat!”

On the other side of the room, in a lonely booth, sat a tan-colored colt with a sinister scowl. His feathery golden bangs were tipped with white, and drooped over his glaring eyes.

Author's Note:

Yes I know: shorter chapter, long time for so little, blahditty blah blah blah.

It's been kinda hard to find opportunities to work lately, hence the delays. Regardless, here's your update! :pinkiehappy:

Until Nest Time, God Bless You!
~Amethyst Dawn. :heart: