• Published 15th May 2017
  • 1,027 Views, 41 Comments

Siege of Helm's Pink - Amethyst_Dawn

Pinkie Pie is many things: Bearer of the Element of Laughter, prankster, baker, friend to all, and near the top of the list is Ponyville’s resident Party Pony. However, there’s one talent Pinkie possessed that nopony ever suspected: Warlord.

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The Siege Begins

The pink hoof wrapped roughly around the once undisturbed package of Cherrychangas, and lifted it up to be scrutinized carefully by two light blue eyes. It was tilted one way, and then the other, before it was finally tossed into the shopping cart with an unceremonious clang.

Pinkie Pie sighed in content as she looked down the large, cold aisle of the warehouse-turned-supermarket known as Costcolt, leering at the single row of packaged foods inspired by delicacies from Mexicolt, which- oddly enough -was right above the ice cream. Odd choice of sorting, to say the least.

Her thoughts were paused, however, when she laid eyes on the Draconequus at the other end of the shelfs, perusing the organic birdseed with clear disinterest. Curiously, she pushed her cart over to his, and beamed up at him.

“HI ‘Cord!” She chirped. He winced slightly at the sudden sound, and looked down at her with an unamused glare.

“Oh, good afternoon, I suppose.” He shrugged, switching his gaze back to the shelf. “I don’t think you would know if they have any bird food with arsenic as an ingredient, would you?”

Pinkie scrunched up her nose with a small grimace. “Fluttershy ask you to do the shopping again, huh?” She asked, receiving little more than a curt nod from the former god of chaos as his ears drooped.

“Oh, yes, Ponk. And she even specifically requested that I go to this detestable place: only the most organized warehouse in Equestria. And she made me promise not to use my magic to shop, too…” he smirked down at Pinkie. “And I think we can agree that it’s far more entertaining that way.”

Pinkie snorted a laugh at the reminder of the last time she encountered him while shopping, that time he was in the farmer’s market. “They still haven’t forgiven you for turning their fruit into a giant salad squid, you know.”

Discord waved carelessly with his talon. “Please, it’s not as if anypony actually got hurt.”

She squinted. “It almost ate Angel.” She scolded, albeit lightly.

The draconequus grinned devilishly. “Pinkie, in all honestly, would that have really been a loss?” He chided, voice oozing with smug spite.

Pinkie opened her mouth to object, but paused for a beat before shutting it just as quickly. He did make a good point. “Fine,” she huffed in feigned irritation, “I’m heading off to the back for some fish for Gummy, I’ll see you later!”

With that, she pushed her cart down the aisle while he waved her off, and marched through the store. She made a couple more stops on the way to look at some cute summer jackets and whatnot, and eventually made her way to the back: where the more ‘uncouth’ foods were kept, as well as numerous empty crates and boxes of all sizes. She walked into the ‘Carnivore’ aisle, and reached for a package of fish.

“Hey, care to hand me one of those, kid?”

She looked over her shoulder at a middle-aged griffin giving her a plastic, yet polite smile standing just off to her left. Grinning, she obliged.

“Thanks,” the griffin muttered with a nod, walking off with a slightly more sincere smile.

Pinkie watched him leave the aisle before absently grabbing a few more bags of tripe. She looked down into her cart to momentarily take stock of what she had so far: three fish, a box of cherrychangas, a couple dozen Hungry Colt dinners, a package of bagels, and ingredients for lasagnas, quesadillas, spaghetti, muffins, as well as an extra gallon of milk.

“You know, those same boxes have been sitting there for over three months now.”

She jumped slightly as Discord’s cart parked in front of hers, and he gestured at a number of ridiculously immense pile of giant cardboard containers with a lazy thumb, which was currently napping on a thumb-sized bed.

“You’d think they would find a use for them by now.” He continued, oblivious to her curious stare.

She gave him an intrigued grin. “What did you have in mind?”

Discord’s cheeks folded back as a toothy smirk overtook his face, and he raised his paw: summoning a small parchment. He reached up his claw to pluck off his deer antler, and used it as a pen while he jotted down a few lines, before flinging it into thin air with a flick of his wrist.

“What was that?” Pinkie inquired as the parchment grew wings and a horn, and teleported out of sight.

Discord chuckled darkly as he screwed his horn back on. “Oh… you’ll see…” He looked over to her. “Now… as for what we should do…”


Pinkus Pielate stood on the top of the immense wall that stretched along the wagon lot outside the store, observing as the peasants stood about at the gate, each asking for passage to the inside. She adjusted her golden robe carefully, and observed as her guard- Spartacord -granted the wishes of all.

One particular brown stallion, however, was being a bit of a bother to him…

“Sir, I have to insist that you remove your fortifications from this area, and at least move it outside of my lot.” He said, disinterest clear in his voice as he eyed the cardboard palace within the walls.

Pinkus furrowed her brow. Oh, how high and mighty he must have thought himself! What with his black shirt fresh from the drycleaners, and his nametag that read ‘Notasapientreptillian’, and his green jacket with yellow trimming, and his chest hair. Well, if he thought they’d leave their kingdom on the whim of a meager landowner, him and his hairdo had another think coming!

As if reading his commander’s thoughts, Spartacord raised a rubber chicken, and held it menacingly at the stallion’s throat:

“Listen, Apu,” He offered, as the clerk held up his forehooves with a nervous gulp, “I know we both want a peaceful resolution here, with as little bloodshed as possible. We’re not holding up your costumers, are we?” His eye twinkled slightly when the stallion shook his head. “See? So then there’s no problem.”

Spartacord lowered his weapon, allowing the breath to escape from the other’s throat. “Now, I trust we won’t have any more problems from your ponies?”

Mr. Notasapientreptillian lifted his head, and narrowed his eyes menacingly. “That depends entirely on you, Discord.” He shot, before turning on his heel to disappear back into his palace of shelves. Spartacord snorted indignantly, and pulled a lever to close the gate, lowering the portcullis with a loud clang. A surprising feat, considering that the bars were made of cardstock.

Ignoring the protests of those still trapped outside the wall, he ascended the stairs to meet Pinkus on the walk. “Mayor Pielate,” he addressed, kneeling in front of her with a sober expression. “I fear that Lord Notasapientreptillian might pose a threat to us, and that he may be gathering his forces. What action do we take?”

Pielate raised her hoof, and set it gently on his shoulder as she gave him an assuring smile. “Gather my armor, Spartacord, and assemble as many willing recruits as you can gather. Tonight, we dine in Tartarus.”

Spartacord lifted his head to meet her eyes, and gave a Roaman salute. “It shall be done, o Lady of the Shelves.”

Pielate watched as he rose, and strode back down the stairs: drawing a paper-mache saber, which he held high as he heralded the numerous creatures inside their wall:

“Citizens! Let the armies of Cardboardia draw bendy straw and shield! For the forces of the Colt of Cost shall soon be upon us!”


“What’cha want us here for again, Pinkie?” The little Unicorn asked, her curly mane bouncing along with her words. Pinkie looked between the numerous schoolchildren- as well as quite a few adults that were already inside their walls -and addressed the four ponies in front directly.

“Saccharine the Great,” she ordered, turning to Sweetie Belle. “I summoned you to lead all of the kingdom’s Unicorns in the defense of our walls, adult and foal alike.”

Sweetie was only confused for a moment before she decided to play along, and giggled with a salute. “I’ll do my best!” She chirped as she turned to gather all her charges.

Pinkie nodded, then shifted her attention to Scootaloo. “Scootilla the Hungry, I chose you to be in charge of our Junior Pegasi squadrons. I bid you now, go see if Rainboromir can lead the grown.”

“On it!” The filly affirmed, before speeding off to retrieve her mentor.

Smiling, Pinkie turned to the mare amongst her Generals. “Applejack Reacher, I request you to lead our clandestine operations. Select the stealthiest of the recruits, find out what Notasapientreptillian is up to, and report back!”

“Yes, Ma’am.” Applejack smirked in amusement as she casually sauntered back into the crowd.

Finally, Pinkie focused on her final warlord. “Pipolean Bonepiece,” she barked, looking down to the small foal standing strong under her stare, “you are to take command of the Earth Ponies of the realm.”

Wordlessly, the colt lifted his hoof into a Roaman salute, and held it. Pinkie gave him an amused stare, before returning the salute. “You are dismissed.” She chuckled. Pip was certainly taking this more seriously than the others, and Pinkie respected that. Some might’ve have called this a trivial battle, but the same could be said of all who fought for what they believed in. Slowly, she returned her attention to the palace beyond, barely in time to notice a pegasus holding a straw to his lips.

“SNIPER!” She cried, narrowly ducking a spitwad as it sailed past her, and struck a Earth Pony’s neck. The stallion shrieked in pain as the projectile bounced lightly off his brown coat, and he fell to the ground, slain. Somewhere, a white Unicorn screamed in grief, and held a pale blue filly close to her chest.

Ponies shrieked and scattered in all directions, scuttling under whatever shelter they could find to conceal themselves from the threat. Spartacord braved a glance over the crenelations to identify their attacker, and was dismayed to find Thunderlane perched atop the enemy’s fortification, preparing for another shot.

“Brethren!” He called in shock, “Once thy fought nobly by our Lady’s side, what evil hath seduced thee to turn on thy friends?”

Thunderlane smirked, raised his hoof, and shook it at them. “YO MOMMA!”

Discord pooched out his lower lip as he held up his talon. “I wouldn’t put it past her…”

With a snap of his claws, a catapult was summoned onto the curtain wall, and flung a massive spitwad directly at the would-be assassin. Thunderlane shrieked at the boulder, and leapt from his post nary a moment too soon, as it nearly struck him once it crashed. Shaking off the debris, he ran back to a stairway, shouting “Notasapientreptillian! We’re going to need backup!”


On a hill to the side of the kingdoms, a pink Unicorn sat next to four Alicorns and a Drake, as they all set out a blanket to rest their rumps upon.

“Who wants tea?” Starlight offered, levitating a large teapot out of a woven basket. Smiling at the unanimous confirmations, she started to serve. “How often to things like this happen, again?” She asked as she filled Celestia’s cup.

“Not hardly often enough, I’m afraid.” The Princess giggled, raising a hoof to signal that the cup of tea was filled to her liking. “But trust me, Starlight, this is a spectacle you won’t want to miss...”


Pinkie lingered at the head of the great table, taking census of those that answered her call for aid. She was already a full half-hour in when she glanced down to sum up their numbers, and was pleased to see that a mighty hundred ponies had signed up to fight by her side. Truly, even the gods would tremble at the sight of such an impenetrable force.

Suddenly, the great double doors of the chamber flew open with a groan, and revealed a weary Applejack: soaked to the bone, and bearing a spare twig in her mane. She stumbled into the room with a limp and a cough as Pinkie and her council stood, stunned from the sight of their scout in such condition. Some of the servants hurriedly brought her water for her to drink.

“Reacher, what has befallen you?” Pielate demanded, holding her spaghetti sceptre- as adorned by teething alligator -high.

Applejack greedily drank from the chalice she was handed, and set her eyes upon Pielate with pity and despair. “All o’ Colt o’ Cost has emptied, Pinkie.”

Pinkie’s expression fell. “How many?”

Reacher’s ears folded. “Two thousand strong, at least.”

“Two thousand?” Pinkie repeated, shaking her head.

“It’s an army raised for a single purpose,” Applejack sighed, locking eyes with her, “to destroy the world of Cardboardia.”

Pinkie’s eyes hardened as she glared at Applejack. “Let them come! I’ll have every mare and strong lad able to bear arms summoned by dawn, and we’ll get the Earth Ponies out of their caves.”

Applejack saluted, but hesitated before walking out the door. “Take heed, yer Highness, this is no rabble of mindless clerks. These are Costcolts, their armor is thick, and their wrapping paper broad.”

“Indeed,” Rainboromir rasped, “we must call for aid!”

“And who will come?” Pinkie asked sadly, turning to face her generals. “Griffins? Minotaurs? We are not as lucky in our friends as we should be.”

As if cued, a horn sounded outside the castle walls, and Scootilla stood from her chair. “That was no Costcolt call…”

“Open the gate!” Discord’s voice called out from his post, before a clone of himself nodded, and complied.

Pinkie walked out in time to see an army of fifty or so griffins, each armed with a fish and a large bag of toilet paper rolls, all marching in unison. She smiled as the leader broke off, and walked up to meet her.

“A kind mare once handed me a packet of fish, and I wanted to repay that kindness by offering an army for some reason.” He hailed, bowing to one knee. “I would be honored to fight alongside you this once.”


Pinkus Pielate once more looked over the lot, but this time with her armies gathered on the walls before her. Slowly, the garage doors of Costcolt opened: gradually letting sunlight unveil the hordes of Notasapientreptillian, who held numerous weapons. From hoses to water cannons, balloons to rubber ducks, and deadliest of all: cardboard cylinders of all shapes and sizes. Notasapientreptillian himself stood on the balcony above, robed in white and holding a staff made up of faucets.

His workers slowly began to march out as their Star Mares Stormchaser armour glinted plastically under Celestia’s sun, chanting unintelligibly in some guttural tone. The price on the copyright of the armour alone proved them a formidable force.

Pinkie looked to her catapults, and shouted.


The catapults were loaded with giant spitwads, and the grunts loading them turned back the cranks with effort.


The grunts were a bunch of small creatures that Pinkie had borrowed from her arch nemesis Truth, since this group annoyed him. She thought they looked a bit like gingerbread minotaurs, only with more dimensions and less horns.



Celestia watched with interest as large projectiles flew at the employees of Costcolt, barely trying to hold back the snicker that was tickling her throat.

“Dear me, this truly looks to be a full civil war on our hooves!” Luna giggled. “Sister, should we not intervene this time? It might be fun!”

Celestia shook her head. “I’m afraid that would only inspire another reenactment of Star Mares, Luna.” She sighed. “And my throat still aches from when I had to scream ‘unlimited solar power!’ last year.”

“Hi, guys! Are we too late?” Cadence called as she and Shining Armor ran up, both panting up a storm.

Starlight shook her head. “Not by much, they just started the actual fight. Did you bring Sunburst?”

Cadence laughed. “Sorry, had to leave him and Shining back at the palace to watch Flurry.”

Twilight looked at the pony standing beside her. “If you left Shining home…”

Shining Armor looked at all of them in confusion as they stared at him, before glancing down at himself.

“Whoops!” He squeaked with a jump. “Forgot to take it off when we landed.” A quick swirl of magenta flame encircled him, transforming him into the giant of a Changeling: Thorax.

Thorax chuckled as he sat down. “I didn’t want ponies staring…”

With a collective shrug, the royal gathering watched eagerly as the battle raged on. Starlight offered her buggy friend some cake.


Pinkie stood atop the wall as volleys of water balloons sailed around her, slaying her troops five by five. Her army couldn’t take much more of this, and she knew it.

“Spartacord!” She called as she looked across the water-soaked bodies of her fallen comrades. The creature in question appeared by her side with a flash, and kneeled.

“What is it, Your Sugar Highness?”

“Find Applejack Reacher, and tell her to infiltrate Costcolt. I have a plan…”


Notasapientreptillian let out a sinister laugh as he and his two advisors stood around a small map atop a nightstand. A crude crayon drawing of Cardboardia was etched on a blueprint layout of Costcolt and it’s parking lot.

“Now, if we just send another Air Balloon strike, we might win this war!” He cackled. The sound of the door casually opening interrupted him, however, as an orange figure stepped in: a smaller, black figure draped across his back.

The figure wore a thick brown trench coat, and wore a blue mask to cover his face. Though his green eyes and yellow coat still peeked through the eyes and mouth of the tight rubber.

“Gentlecolts…” he purred in a Prench accent, strutting in without a care.

“Who are you?” One of the advisors asked indignantly.

“My name iz Born, but zat iz ov no importance to you.” The earth pony assured as he strolled towards the table. “What you should be conzeorned about is whezer any ov you killed a farm pony on ze way in?” He glanced around with a feigned innocent curiosity, which quickly turned to spiteful seriousness. “No? Zen we still have a problem…”

He threw the body he was carrying onto the table, and lifted the mane to show a small piece of tape stuck to its neck. The advisors flinched back, and tried not to lose their lunch at the grotesque sight. Notasapientreptillian just stared at the body, and looked up with narrowed eyes as the pony continued.

“We have a Cardboardian spy on base…”

Author's Note:

Written because WHY THE HECK NOT?! :pinkiecrazy:

Message to my readers: this is why I stay away from sugar on weekends.

(Also, whoever spots every single reference gets a cookie~) :raritywink: