The Cute One 2: Growing Pains

by No one is home

Rainbow Dash Might Be a Lesbian

“I am NOT a lesbian!” Rainbow Dash glared at the assembled gaming group.

“Geez, can we start the game already.” Spike rolled his eyes. “It’s like every week it’s gotta be some crazy drama.”

“Ee’yup.” Big Macintosh nodded sagely.

“Oh, really?” Discord teased Dash. “Name one stallion…”

“Quibble Pants!” Dash interjected.

“...who wasn’t a cosplaying as a mare at the time.” Discord finished dryly.

“That’s a stupid rule!” Rainbow huffed.

“There’s nothing wrong with being a total lesbian Dashie.” Pinkie tried to console her friend.

“Except I’m NOT a total lesbian!” Rainbow Dash insisted. “I’ll make out with Big Macintosh right now to prove it!”

“Eenope!” Mac said firmly.

“It wouldn’t help anyway, crossdressers don’t count. We’ve already clearly established that as a rule.” Discord smirked, drawing a glare from Big Macintosh.

“Okay, we are going to start the game! No more talking about Dash’s love life. No more jokes about me making out with Scootaloo. Just Ogres and Oubliettes.” Spike put his clawed hoof down.

“Oh, alright.” Discord rolled his eyes.

-=-=-=-=-

“Ah don’t see why Ah gotta clean out the pig sty!” Apple Bloom muttered under her breath.

“Maybe on account ‘a you let your brother take the heat for your dirty magazines!” Applejack sneered at her sister. “We don’t take kindly to dishonesty in this family.”

“It’s not like Ah’m the one who lied! In fact, if anything, you should all thank me for Big Mac NOT bein’ gay. An’ yer welcome, by the way!” The yellow filly growled back. “Besides! Ah’m an adult pony anyway! Why’ve I gotta do stupid farm chores? Me an’ the girls made more bits on our last job than this farm makes all year!”

“You mean that ‘job’ where you an’ yer friends set up that pop singer in a herd with three differ’nt mares?” The orange farm pony raised a critical eyebrow.

“It’s a perfectly legal relationship! Sweetie Belle checked!” Apple Bloom countered.

“And how does relationship counsellin’ relate to cutie marks, anyway?” Applejack asked incredulously.

“The same way three apples relates to bein’ a total c-”

-=-=-=-=-

“Okay, so I made out with another unspecified mare…” Rainbow started, only to be cut off.

“She’s talkin’ about Applejack.” Big Macintosh interrupted sedately.

“Woah! Apple-burn!” Discord grinned and shared a quick hoof-bump with his big red compadre. “Who knew you even had it in you. I do believe my awesomeness is rubbing off on you!”

“Anyway, just because I made out with one mare…” Rainbow Dash tried to continue.

“Because we were drunk at last season’s Hearth Warming party, so that, like, totes doesn’t count!” Pinkie announced merrily.

“Dammit Pinkie! You said you wouldn’t say anything about that!” Rainbow scowled at her pink friend. “The point is that doesn’t make me a lesbian! Everypony thought Big Mac was gay because of all the cross-dressing, but he’s totally cuckoo for mares!”

“And while you were all arguing over whether or not Rainbow Dash was gay, the minions of the Squizard have surrounded you and they now have initiative.” Spike rolled his eyes. “You guys don’t do this when Discord’s the DM…”

-=-=-=-=-

Dear Twilly,

You got me! You’ve been hanging out with Pinkie and Rainbow haven’t you? The first three times I read that I thought you were serious. I actually thought that you had used your authority to declare the Cutie Mark Crusaders to be legally adult ponies! Do you have any idea of all the potential legal issues I had to sort out? That's what makes it such a great prank! Because I was all panicked that you had just upended Equestrian common law, not to mention all common sense on a whim to avoid mildly awkward conversations with your respective siblings. It would be like declaring Spike an adult, without being able to fall back on blaming the Dragon Code! Can you imagine how stressful it would be if the kingdom to your south just started making crazy legal decisions every time they had an awkward moment with their siblings? But luckily that’s not the case, and you’re just getting me back for that last minute baby-sitting snafu. See you Tuesday.

Love, Luck, and Polypropylene,

Cadie

-=-=-=-=-

“I have evidence this time!” Button Mash paced before Twilight Sparkle’s Court of Friendship.

“Maud pie is not an evil changeling.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “For the last time, none of the Pie family are changelings. They’re just rock farmers.”

“No! This isn’t about Maud Pie! She’s only a minor threat!” The brown colt insisted forcefully. “This is about the real source of evil!”

“Is it Sweetie Belle?” The Princess of Friendship asked dryly. “Because Sweetie Belle has already taken out a restraining order to stop you from telling ponies that she is, and I quote, ‘a stinky force of vile evil dedicated to murdering puppies’.”

“This isn’t about the puppies. Even though you can’t prove Sweetie Belle doesn’t eat puppies!” Button mash struggled in vain to illuminate his fellow equines. “The CMC are involved in a dastardly plot to infiltrate the ruling class and demasculate all of Equestria.”

“This is about Sweetie Belle marrying Spike isn’t it?” Twilight responded evenly.

“Hey Twilight, me and Trixie were going to hang out with Maud and talk about how much we love not enslaving villages.” Starlight Glimmer pranced past cheerfully.

“Make sure to take your keys.” Twilight waved a hoof absently. “I’m apparently gonna have to lock up tonight, the crazies are out in force.”

“Hey! I’m standing right here!” Button objected uselessly.

-=-=-=-=-

“I’ll prove I’m not a lesbian!” Rainbow flew into the air and gestured dramatically. “I’ll make out with…”

“Eenope!” Big Mac asserted firmly.

“Not it!” Discord laughed.

“Wouldn’t help!” Pinkie Pie giggled.

“...Spike! He’s a guy! I’ll make out with Spike right now!” Rainbow declared triumphantly.

“No.” Spike crossed his arms defiantly. “I’m not going to make out with you just to prove your not a lesbian.”

“It’s no different than carrying stuff for Rarity, which you do because your friends, right?” Rainbow fumed at the dragon. “Come on Spike! You gotta help a Bolt out! That’s the Wonderbolt code!”

“You’re making this up!” Spike argued in annoyance.

“No I’m not, ‘Help a Bolt Out’ is a real rule. Just like last week, when I made out with Fleetfoot to get some annoying fan-colt off her back.” Dash insisted, then suddenly noticed the stares. “That doesn’t make me a lesbian! I was just helping Fleetfoot look more like a lesbian so that guy would leave her alone! Seriously, friends do that!”

“That’s what I keep trying to tell Fluttershy.” Discord agreed wholeheartedly.

Author's Note:

Because that's totally how friendship works, right?

Comments

[BellChime]

Uh, sure...

[No one is home]

8164399 Sorry about that. It's a silly little story, I hope you enjoy it more moving forward.

[Boulder]

Spike put his clawed hoof down.

paw

“The same way three apples relates to bein’ a total c-”

-ustard apple pie.

Dear Twilly,

??...as in filly?? or Twily?

Love, Luck, and Polypropylene,

Wutda? Have no idea what that refers to. "I love the smell of polyurethane in the morning"

Used to think Button Mash was a euphemism for gaming, now I think it's conspiracy blogging on the interthatch!

“I’m not going to make out with you just to prove your not a lesbian
“It’s no different than carrying stuff for Rarity, which you do because your friends, right?” .”

you're (x2)

[Skyfall360]

someone start a global catastrophe, this is insane

[OmniFox]

Polygamy's legal in Equestria right? Cause not only the CMC want Spike but Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon also love him too.

[Autumn Maize]

8150944
Ember declared them all adult dragons in the previous thingy, and I think The Council probably declared them adult ponies, so ..
Would they be legally adults if they were humans where you live? Presumably no, or you would probably not have said that.
Are they legally adults in this story? Yes, even though they really shouldn't be.

[andrizzi]

You are a genius.
Please, don't stop.

[DarkDMan]

That totally IS how friendship works! That FRIENDSHIP WITH BENEFITS!

Yay to all the shippings in the story! Your great at this type of story telling!