Chapter 1
A Battle Droid Saves Equestria
(I own nothing!)
I let out a high pitched, modulated sigh as I scrubbed the muck out of the bottom of one of the animal cages.
“Yep this is the worst job in the droid army.”
I knew the assignment to Ryloth was going to be a bad one. I had felt it way down in my root directory.
A strange noise drew my attention. It almost sounded like- D-557 fell to tiny superheated pieces as the Jedi who cut him down strolled casually by.
The bearded human male stopped as he drew level with the cage I was scrubbing and looked down at me with a scorn that was only matched by the little green female he held.
“And it just went into overtime.” I muttered despondently.
The bearded Jedi did a force thing and the cage door clanked shut trapping me inside. I had hoped he would be merciful considering I was literally on my knees but instead he did something even more cruel.
“Oh.” I said, as the now inevitable outcome loomed in my predictive subroutine. “Ohhh...”
I slumped down and started shutting down all nonessential systems. This was going to be a looooong wait.
.XXX.
The sound of cheerfully chirping birds was what finally drew me out of sleep mode.
“What?” I wondered aloud as my visual sensors rebooted and I was finally able to see the gnarled trees all around me. “Where am I?”
At least this meant I wasn't going to rust away locked in a cage.
I looked around but the trees looked pretty much the same in every direction. None of the visual records I had could match the flora to any planet in particular so I tried contacting any other droid units in the area. Sadly the attempt was only met with background static.
“Well that's not good.” I scratched the side of my metallic head for a reason my logic processor really couldn't parse. I could just pick a direction and walk... I could go quite a long way before running out of power and surely I would run into some settlement somewhere if I just went in a straight line. So I engaged my determination protocol and started walking.
The forest I had found myself in was made up of twisty trees that stood six point three eight one meters tall on average and drooped with large amounts of moss and other parasitic plant types. The underbrush was made up of mostly thorn bushes and they thankfully were ineffective at damaging my exterior. My paint on the other hand... I will remember you fondly paint job your sacrifice will not be in vain!
I observed a lot of variety in the fauna as well. Mostly little furry animal things that did... little furry animal things.
...
I probably need to request a maintenance cycle when I find my way back.
.XXX.
I had only been walking for two hours, eight minutes, and forty seven seconds when the environment subtly changed. The sun filtering through the leaves seemed to dim while the little furry animal noises went silent. I kept walking but it began to seem like I was going in circles. My navigation system insisted I had remained on a straight line but my pattern recognition software had noticed many instances of identical visual inputs as I walked.
“Wait...” I said coming to a halt. I looked around but every direction still looked the same. “Am I going in circles?” I scratched my head again and shrugged. Surely my pattern recognition software was just having a glitch. I turned to get back on my course when I realized something terrible. “Wait a second... Which way was I going again?”
Now even my navigation system didn't know which way I had been going.
I sighed and was about to just pick another direction when a series of aggressive animalistic vocalizations were registered by my audio sensors. I looked around again and spotted several eyes glowing with their own luminescence. The vocalizations were coming from the group in front of me but I could see the eyes from either side as well.
“Uh oh...”
When the first animal emerged from the bushes my logic processor hiccuped as I noticed the creature looked like it was made of dense plant matter. Ambulatory plants were a rarity in the galaxy and this one looked quite mobile with it’s quadrupedal stance. It also seemed to be predatory as it had a row of thorn like teeth in it’s drooling maw. Quite a few more of them emerged from the bushes and stalked toward me. It was obvious they had mistaken me for food.
“Go, shoo! I’m not food you stupid organics!”
Of course they were too stupid to listen. One of the one’s behind me decided to try and catch me by surprise and darted forward to sink it’s teeth into my ankle. It yelped loudly as it’s bent or broke many of its thorn like teeth.
“I tried to warn you.”
It was becoming obvious by this point that there was nothing the plant predators could do to me so I returned to my primary objective. The forest remained as it was and I had gotten thoroughly turned around from when I had entered the area I was in so I allowed my random number generator to decide. It returned a bearing and I began walking in that direction, ignoring the plant predators that were still occasionally trying to nip at my heels. It only took a few minutes for them to give up and back off and I was thankful I wouldn't have to keep dealing with that annoyance.
Thump
“What was that?” I turned to try and see what had made the impact. Whatever it was it was strong enough to register on my seismic sensors and I didn't want to have to deal with... anything... like...
The input from my visual sensors rose slowly as my head tracked upward along a pair of trees that weren't there a moment ago. Up it went further meeting a bulky wooden body and finally the visage of one of the earlier plant predators only this one was at least the size of a rancor.
“Um...”
I contemplated retreating but I was a proud soldier of the droid army! I lowered my stance, ready to dodge any counter attack and took aim with my... filthy sponge...
“Oh...”
Well only one thing left to do now.
“WAAAAAAAHHH!”
Run screaming.
ThumpThumpThumpThumpThump
The thing was already on top of me when I started running but thanks to my relatively smaller size and tactical assistance from various things like roots sticking up in the path providing sudden stops and sudden changes in direction I managed to avoid the massive plant predator.
“NO NO GO AWAY! BAD ORGANIC!”
I’m sure my discouraging vocalizations played a large part in it as well.
It had been chasing me for forty three minutes and fifteen seconds when we both finally emerged from the trees and into a large grassland. Of course this meant that the tactical assistance provided by the vegetation was also no longer available. Ahead I spotted signs of habitation. Primitive domiciles painted in colors so bright I had trouble looking at them with my visual sensors. I could only hope that whatever creatures inhabited such a place had a way to deal with the giant ambulatory plant chasing me.
Oh who am I kidding?
.XXX.
(Meanwhile in Ponyville)
The Elements of Harmony glared at the evil queen Chrysalis as they sat, helplessly trapped in giant balls of changeling goop.
“Muah ha ha ha!” Chrysalis laughed as she watched her newly rebuilt army snack on a much less daunting target than Canterlot itself. Still It would hurt Celestia and get rid of the Elements, leaving Equestria wide open to the next disaster to befall it. She turned her malevolent gaze to the six mares trapped in their round prisons. “I can’t believe you fell for that.” She said in her vile pur. “You gave me the impression you were smarter than that the last time we met Twilight Sparkle.”
Thump
Twilight squirmed violently trying to find any kind or traction within her cage but no matter how hard she wiggled she couldn't seem to get a grip.
“With you out of the way and your-” Chrysalis paused to seductively lick her lips. “-delicious brother and that nag far away nothing will stand in my path to power this time!”
ThumpThump
Twilight glared as hard as she was able, and resumed her violent wiggling.
ThumpThumpThump
Chrysalis frowned and looked around for whatever was making that irritating racket. Unable to see any obvious cause she turned to a nearby changeling. “You there Drone, go and find the source of that annoying thumping!” The drone saluted before literally buzzing off.
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Why me!?”
ThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThump
Chrysalis looked dumbfounded as some kind of tan, bipedal, creature dashed past them. Was that the source of that infernal thu- Splat!
The Elements of Harmony looked on with green faces and upset stomachs as the giant king timberwolf bounded over a house with a flattened queen stuck to the bottom of its paw.
>XXX<
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No offense, but I found the droid posing like one of your french girls to be far more interesting.
8147518
Yeah I'm not all that great at comedy. This was more of a writing exercise than anything. Still, thanks for checking it out.
8146973
Yeah I'm with you on that one. I tended to find them more adorable than frightening tbh. Anyway thanks for checking out the story.
Oh. Well that happened. I get this is supposed to be comedic, but it could use some work.
So no chance of a continuation?
8148544
Yeah sorry about that. I'm not really that good of a comedian.
8149490
Hmm I dunno, do you want one? Maybe if a couple of you want it to keep going I'll do so.
8149668
It's marked as incomplete, I thought it was going to continue anyway?
8149700
I wasn't really sure if I wanted to or not so I left it marked as incomplete. I didn't think many people would even read this let alone want me to keep going.
Oh Chrissy... all the fails.
I would like to see one of the old battle droids finally get some peace in a slice of life continuation.
This story intrigues me, continue!
I think it's pretty funny! Though it does feel a bit rushed, no offense.
stan: oh my god they kill crysaliss
kyle: you bastard
nice
8151009
Dude, this is awesome!! I can’t stop laughing, MY SIDE HURTS!!!!