Celestia
Luna
Twilight
Applejack
Flutturshy
Rainbowdash
Pinkie Pie
Rarity
Wolf thoughts
"OW! What the hell was that!" I look over to see a duffel bag from earth "holy crap how the hell did this get here?" "what is it?" "its a duffel bag from earth, its used to carry things like the saddle bags you have here in Equestria." I start opening it to see whats inside. "so whats inside it?" "well, theirs a few packs of Monster energy drinks, a 24 pack of soda, GUMMY WORMS!" I grab a bag and start eating one. "an ipod, and...." i stop because i see a bottle of captn Morgan and the last thing i need is a drunk princess. "so what are these things and why are you eating colored worms?" she asked with a disgusted look on her face. "Well the 'monster' and the soda are drinks from my world, the 'colored worms' are a gummy candy thats really good, and the ipod is a device that holds a lot of music, here try i gummy worm." She takes one an eats it "mmmmm, ish good." she takes the bag from me and proceeds to devourer it, while she's doing that i look into the ipod and find out it belonged to a brony because some of the music is from the show but there is a lot of other music as well. "Whats that?" "it an ipod, like i said it holds a lot of music from my world, would you like to hear a song from it?" "Sure." i go through the ipod and find a song i think she would like and put one of the ear buds to her ear and the other in mine and play Into The Night The song ends and Luna has a peaceful and amazed look on here face as well as a small blush. "that was wonderful, but how does this device work?" "well its powered by electricity from a small battery inside it, speaking of which its almost dead so im going to turn it off and ill try to find a new power source for it later, anyways at least ill be able to stay up all night now." "how so?" i hold up a 4 pack of monster energy drink. "this is an drink from my world that gives you a lot of energy, so a few cans of this and ill be up all night, but the crash in the morning is going to be harsh." "crash!?" "its kind of a trade of, it will keep me up and give me energy but the tiredness will catch up to me after building up when the energy wears off, the result is going from a lot of energy to no energy and u end up just sleeping a lot." "i think i get but i don't think i want one." "that's fine, but at least ill be able to stay up all night." Luna points her hoof to something as i open a monster "Whats that?" I look over and i almost spit out the monster i was drinking, laying there is a katana "Is that a Katana!?" i run over to it and pull the sword out of its sheath a small bit to check the sharpness, i pull one of my hair and sure enough its razor sharp. "whats a Katana, it looks like a weird sword." "a Katana is a sword from a country in my world, its the strongest sword type that's made and the top of the line, that's if this one is a real one and not a fake." "it looks like a real sword to me." "it is a real sword but there are katana's that are made a cheep way and are weak, is there anypony we can talk to, to see how strong this sword is?" "yes there is fallow me."
Luna raised the moon and then we walked into the castle grounds and to a building with smoke coming from a chimney, when we walk in it must have been just as hot as the day i left earth, i stop momentarily no stop you cant think of that now. i look up and see a unicorn with a red coat and charcoal gray mane with a cutimark of what looks like a piece of iron over a fire. He looks up and see's Luna and bows,"good evening princess Luna, what can a do for you?" "good evening Red Iron actually my friend Wolf here has a question for you." he looks up at me and smiles "so what do you need help with?" I grab my sword show him "i was wondering if you could find out the strength of this sword?" He takes with his magic and examines it, all of a sudden his eyes look like there going to bug out of his head. "i have never seen a sword this strong in my entire life, were did you get it?" "its a sword from my home land which is very far away im afraid, but i can tell you a bit of how its made, its made by folding steel about 32 times i believe and then dipped in water while its still red to give it the curve." "thats amazing, thank you for letting me see such a wonderful sword." I take back the katana "its no problem, but do you think you could make a strap or something i can you to carry it on my back like this." "yes i can, that would be no problem" "Thank you i appreciate it." "again no need, it was nice to meet you Wolf." he holds out his hoof, i take it and shake it "its nice to meet you too." i say with a smile. Me and Luna head out toward the thrown room so she can hold court, we conversed on the way and after Luna set the moon we ran into Celestia on the way back to Luna's room. "Good morning sister, sleep well?" "yes Luna i did,what is that Wolf?" After telling Celestia what happened the night before and explaining all of the things in the bag again i asked her a question that's been bugging me. "Celestia do you know anyway to power the ipod without electricity?" i give her the ipod "i do not know, but i can see what i can do." "thank you Celestia, i suppose we should get some sleep." i say as i look at Luna, we say our goodbyes and crash on Luna's bed.
Authors Note: Hey guys i hope you are enjoying my first fan fic and i know i haven't mentioned the mane 6 yet but they will be coming soon and if you have a Character of your own you want to put into this story sent me a pm with the info on your character and ill see what i can do thanks, later
You need to work on your descriptions. And your chapter titles.
THE GRAMMAR!!! IT MAKES MY EYES BLEED!!!
i find nothing bad with this :l ill continue to read it
well i did ask for honesty....
i appreciate all of the comments and i may "fix" my story after i finish it, however just try to read the story for the story its self not the grammar or things like that, after all it could be worse.
Kid... you and I need to talk.
First of all,this is not a critique of your story. I can say straight off the bat that I won't read it. Self-insert in Equestria has been done to death, and is ultimately all about wish-fulfillment for the writer. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, if you're writing for yourself. In fact, if you're primary audience is you, ignore this entire comment. However, you seem to be writing for a broader audience, not least evidenced by the fact that you've published it, so here's some advice.
First of all, in your previous comment, you say that people should read this for the story. Yeah... about that....
Like I said, self-insert in Equestria has been done to death. In fact, writing this type of story is on the verge of being considered a form of trolling in and of itself.
Second, if you have to tell people why they should read your story, you're doing this whole writing business wrong. People have to want to read it, and they will, if it's any good. Which brings me to....
The quality of a story is often reflected in the quality of the writing. As earlier comments indicate, people are choosing not to read your fic because of the bad spelling and grammar. You seem to think spelling and grammar are optional. They are not. Good spelling and good grammar are not essential to understanding what is written, true. However, they are essential to making the reading experience pleasant. They make reading easy. They make it seem like you've actually worked to make your fic good. As you can see among the comments, people do not want to read your writing "for the story" because of your bad grammar and bad spelling. That should tell you something.
Put simply, the general assumption is that if you can't put in the work on presentation, you probably haven't put in much work on the content either. And your spelling is atrocious. I found eight spelling mistakes in presentation and chapter titles alone, along with multiple uses of question marks, which just should not happen. Multiple exclamation points can be justified once in a blue moon. Multiple question marks, never.
Personally, I believe that a large amount of misspelled words are a mark of disrespect towards the reader. If you have this amount of bad spelling, it means you don't care enough about us, your potential fans, to put your booger-hook on F7 and press down. F7 is the quick key for automated spelling check in MS Word, by the way. There is a similar function in Google Docs, but I've never used Google Docs, so I don't know how to use it.
The quality of a fic is a whole. It doesn't matter if your command of English is brilliant, if you don't have anything interesting to write. It doesn't matter if you have the best story in the word, if you can't put it in writing properly. You need both. You have every opportunity to do so. Then, this may beccome that one-in-a-million self-insert that is actually worth reading.