I find my self in Equestria and come to find my self in one hell of an interesting situation. But theirs more than meets they eye.
this is my first fan fic so please be honest with your comments.
Chapters (14)
shadowwolf789
Joined 28th Apr, 2012 ·
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You need to work on your descriptions. And your chapter titles.
THE GRAMMAR!!! IT MAKES MY EYES BLEED!!!
i find nothing bad with this :l ill continue to read it
well i did ask for honesty....
i appreciate all of the comments and i may "fix" my story after i finish it, however just try to read the story for the story its self not the grammar or things like that, after all it could be worse.
Kid... you and I need to talk.
First of all,this is not a critique of your story. I can say straight off the bat that I won't read it. Self-insert in Equestria has been done to death, and is ultimately all about wish-fulfillment for the writer. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, if you're writing for yourself. In fact, if you're primary audience is you, ignore this entire comment. However, you seem to be writing for a broader audience, not least evidenced by the fact that you've published it, so here's some advice.
First of all, in your previous comment, you say that people should read this for the story. Yeah... about that....
Like I said, self-insert in Equestria has been done to death. In fact, writing this type of story is on the verge of being considered a form of trolling in and of itself.
Second, if you have to tell people why they should read your story, you're doing this whole writing business wrong. People have to want to read it, and they will, if it's any good. Which brings me to....
The quality of a story is often reflected in the quality of the writing. As earlier comments indicate, people are choosing not to read your fic because of the bad spelling and grammar. You seem to think spelling and grammar are optional. They are not. Good spelling and good grammar are not essential to understanding what is written, true. However, they are essential to making the reading experience pleasant. They make reading easy. They make it seem like you've actually worked to make your fic good. As you can see among the comments, people do not want to read your writing "for the story" because of your bad grammar and bad spelling. That should tell you something.
Put simply, the general assumption is that if you can't put in the work on presentation, you probably haven't put in much work on the content either. And your spelling is atrocious. I found eight spelling mistakes in presentation and chapter titles alone, along with multiple uses of question marks, which just should not happen. Multiple exclamation points can be justified once in a blue moon. Multiple question marks, never.
Personally, I believe that a large amount of misspelled words are a mark of disrespect towards the reader. If you have this amount of bad spelling, it means you don't care enough about us, your potential fans, to put your booger-hook on F7 and press down. F7 is the quick key for automated spelling check in MS Word, by the way. There is a similar function in Google Docs, but I've never used Google Docs, so I don't know how to use it.
The quality of a fic is a whole. It doesn't matter if your command of English is brilliant, if you don't have anything interesting to write. It doesn't matter if you have the best story in the word, if you can't put it in writing properly. You need both. You have every opportunity to do so. Then, this may beccome that one-in-a-million self-insert that is actually worth reading.
867461 I'd be here forever too. I don't get how anyone could read this, much less write it without have red lines under everything.
to Ethrak, thank you for the advice i did kind of figure that out though, that is why i put the update in my story,. As for my intended audience, yes it is a story more for me but i wanted to make one that is fun to read as well (even though grammar with writing has never been my strength obviously) so again thank you for the advice it is much appreciated.
sorry about the faces i was too lazy to take them out but its just an announcement so deal with it
haha
deal with it, i'll go say that to my brother right now *walks out door*
lol
His first form seem's alot like he become's Vajra Asura from Asura's Wrath and his sword seems similar to Augus sword... just saying.
Oh and btw. WHY THE BUCK DO I ALWAYS SEE COROSIVE DASH NO MATTER WHERE I GO!?!?!?!?
So far I think that this story just became ALOT more interesting, thanks to both shadowwolf789 and corosive dash's magical ability att making awesome stories. I would tip my hat to both of you if I had a hat... BUT instead I will pray to Thor and Odin that you make this story even more awesome than before.
For every chapter title, the first letter of the title should be capitalized.
Fluttershy, it's your long lost sister!
The idea and story is good but coloring the speech of the characters became difficult to fallow.
I had to highlight their speech half the time.
ya, after the first 3 chapters that was stopped. Once the story is finished ill probably go back and re-due the 3 chapters.
They probably know his name now because of the mindmeld ( lol Vulcans)
SOOO luposhy just fucks around instead of telling her dad see's alright? Sounds like a bitch to me!
Wolf is op Gary stu!!!!!!!!
Think about it, its because of her dad that Luposhy ended up in that place. Another thing, who the fuck is Gary stu?
lol
just a bit of a side note, the dead line will be for the theme song when i decide on it. you can send us fan art when ever you want and the more we get the better.
Alright. I can see that you're a new writer trying to write an HiE fic.
*reads it*
This is actually better than others on the site that I've read. There's still some grammar issues along with the chapter titles
I won't upvote or downvote.
1420713
Ya chapter titles suck i know this, as for the grammar...eh it doesn't bug me. I do appreciate the comment and complement, it tells me that people actually like the story lol
1096056
didnt even think of that when i was writing it lol
7404932 How long were you gone?! That comment is from almost four years ago!
1096406 if you still don't know what a Gary Stu is, I suggest looking it up on tvtropes.org
Fuck you Celestia I HATE it when Celestia enters the minds of others without their permission it pisses me off the mind is a precious sanctuary from the rest of reality that should not be violated in such a manner. Every time she does that in a story I think this guy is gonna wring her neck then they don't which is stupid it is an incredible invasion of privacy. Bitchlestia....