Maverick, a straight out of high school kid going right into college is playing his favorite VRMMORPG During his break before college However, something goes wrong, and he is dragged into a new world as his character.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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good job
The snuggles command them.
Does it have to be italicized
Um no spike what's up with that?
um, Mystogan, your title of the chapter; i think it's supposed to 'SENT to Ponyville', not 'SNET'
also: most of the chapter is in Italics
ALSO: “I got a better idea. How about you leave Ponyville and go back to where ever it is you came from?”
seriously? NO ONE in this chapter is disturbed by Rainbow Dash's insensitive words and that she's being cruel? WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK?!
You left it in italics.
7866406 I felt it wasn't quite there to get totally upset about, otherwise I would have put something in there.
7866413 Fixed. Thank you.
7866414 yea yea, resilient OC is resilient, but kinda a bit illogical that everyone ignores Dash and her hurtful words.
7866420 I can put something in there real quick if it bothers you so much XD
7866431 nah you don't have to
7866433 Too late, already did it. :P
7866443
Oh shit no spike?.........You got plans for him later......dont you?
7866798 he might be the HIM that celestia and Luna were talking about
7857122
I do, but the wolf form makes up for that
So that's why they need him to combat Sombra in place of Spike.
There is one thing I don't like he gives away far to much to fast people are far more cautious than that.
were too. It seemed that all of them but Fluttershy stared at him with stern looks.
face to them, the markings on his face only bringing them greater concern
I want to point out that you're switching between present and past tense. It may sound fine, but you're supposed to stick to either present or past tense, and given the story format, you should stick with present tense for the most part.
When a character speaks and the next sentence is "asked (character)" or "Said (character)," then you need to put them on the same line. It should go like this:
“I got a better idea. How about you leave Ponyville and go back to where ever it is you came from?” Asked Dash, with her arms crossed under her bust. Zemrite lowered his ears and looks down. Fluttershy and Pinkie opening their mouths in disbelief at her words. Even the others were surprised at this.
Oh, also, here's what I dislike about her words: they're OoC. Sure, Rainbow can be rude, callous, narcissistic, self centered, and the like, but she is not someone that would take a look at someone who the Princesses had come to Ponyville to get out and go back to where he came. Despite how rude she can be, she's not one to say "leave and go back to wherever you came from" to anyone unless the person she's speaking to is a brute, a cunt, an arsehole, or an antagonist.
I also think he could have gotten away with saying that Celestia told him their names as that is technically true.
8094250
I know right, he is way to obvious about it
7866798
No necessarily Celestia might actually be responsible in this world and won't send a FIRE BREATHING DRAGON to live with ponies.