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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
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Really great two chapters, I really regret taking so long to get back to reading this. Increadible action, great atmosphere and settings, many surprises, references to the original FoE (Loved the Pinkie bit!) and plenty of lore. I wonder how many statuette-virtue-injections are still out there... Also, poor Nibble!
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You have quite the eye and attention to detail. I think you'll catch all the references I make and catch on quick to the things I am foreshadowing later on.
I have kinda made a promise to myself not to change anything more then grammar errors on my posted chapters that way I keep moving forward and don't get caught in the endless loop of editing, but your catch on the Pip-Buck tutorial makes me think I have to break it. You are totally right, the focus of SATS would be of self defense and not aggression. I could make up an excuse like maybe the Stable it came from saw the combat use and added those tutorials but I'd rather have it follow Stable-Tec.
Then finally I figured two bloatsprites and discovery were enough for level 3, I'm being nice to Ardent just this once lol. And once I am not at work I agree with all the nitpicks so I'll go fix those up.
Thanks again! When I see someone catching all the fine details really gets me motivated to try harder and make sure future chapters are cohesive and have as few errors as possible.
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I have been a pre-reader for 5 years or so, and have even had a freelance job pre-reading on a P&P product line, so yea I catch the smaller stuff. Could be because I am a Dane and had to learn the language instead of it coming naturally to me, could be because of my Autism that I catch all of the small things, who knows, anyway am I glad that it is able to motivate you. I had another person that got quite angry at me "for having the nerve to point out the mistakes in public!!1!"... Yea some people are weird
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I mean I understand the author side, they put a lot of time and effort in their work so it can be tough to hear it criticized, but that's how you grow to be a better author by understanding the critism and sadly a lot of authors get stuck in their pride.
When I see critism, like my first comment to my fic by Sk1Tz 7792818 they say my descriptions are bland, which they were I've changed them, you need to read between the lines. They read the whole first chapter and only criticized the description, to me that feels pretty good. People don't usual leave comments on things they hate, they downvote and move on. If someone leaves a critical comment it means they like it enough to want to see it get better, so I see almost all comments as a positive thing.
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The easiest way to find them all is by doing a CRTL+F which pop up the search function, and then put in the word that you are looking for, heck you can even get Google docs to change one word out with another one if you want
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All right nitpicks are fixed up (thank you for pointing them out), and time I finally learn how to use that quote thing with this reply lol.
I have it in the Fallout font on my Gdoc but that does not transfer over, I tried italics or making in green but both came off as a bit of an eye sore.
Never read PH actually, just the original, three times, because I am working within some fun cannon constraints for reasons.
All right now on to your main comment. You actually hit my greatest weakness as a writer. I am terrible with slowing the scene/story down when it matters. The chapters you have read used to be 1-2k fewer words then what they are now. I am what writing books call a lean writer, if it does not create an atmosphere, advance the plot or a character, or describe something important I don't really add it. I like this writing for the most part, but it hits me hard for chapters like this one, I wish I could have slowed down more. Only a few chapters later did I realize a few scenes I could of added to help but given my rule I chose to learn from the mistake and move forward. So hopefully the next time you read a scene like this from me it will be greatly improved.
Anyway the other things need no reply, I am thankful for all the compliments and don't want to reply to speculation to avoid spoiling anything
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Damn I am normally so careful about character knowledge and making sure references match what they know, I've taken out the tanks stuff, tanks must of been on the mind if I did it two chapters in a row lol.
I was hoping this would bug people, but maybe one day dreams will become reality, maybe its all ready written Context to that spoiler, I write out the whole act before posting.
You know I have debating it for awhile but I like to play by the rules and according to fimfiction when dealing with M rating
I never plan on getting descriptive so for me the tag is not necessary, sorry if that's spoilers lol
Woah! Only nitpicks for a chapter, can't tell if that is a good or bad thing lol
Great, just my luck that I run out of story to read on a day where my mood is bad. Shame on you! Go back to work and write more for us!
So can't go into too many details, but the 7th last paragraph... Bravo, just bravo! See this is what I am talking about, such flowing word pictures, it getting the time it needs to grow and unfold. The dot over the eye would just be to remove the last sentence of the 7th last paragraph, merging it into the 6th last, could work perfectly after the first sentence with next to no word change, and leave the 7th end on an ellipse to show that the train of thought would have continued if it hadn't been broken as it had. Once more, my hat off to you, and get back to work writing the next chapter! Can't leave us hanging like this!
Nitpicks:
"The light it emitted seemed blinding after my eyes adjusted to the blackness. " I think you are lacking a "had"
"I pulled my a hoof" delete
". With an odd sense of deja vu I placed Mangle on the same desk she rested last time." Lacking an on
"I stopped by the directory in attempt to find something in the science wing," lacking an an
" and I knew all too well what Clover dis to those he didn't find useful." Did
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Thank you for all the time you have spent reading and commenting! Hope you don't mind but I added a special thank you to the description.
Well like I said I have the whole first part written (18 chapters) its just a matter of editing them, and unfortunately peak season has started at work so my free time has been dramatically beaten with a bat labeled Overtime.