Adam had recently gotten back from his deployment in Afghanistan to spend some time with his sister. He thought it was all gonna go great until one night everything changed, his world, his life, and his sister.
Not a bad start, give it a solid 6-7 out of ten. The pacing is ruff as hell though, I recommend you go back and try to give some depth to the environment your oc's live in, give some descriptive narration to some of the things and places in your universe. Draw out interactions between characters with inner dialog or thoughts said character has on conversations they are having or have had. Sad you are not comfortable turning the like/dislike bar on, I find it is a helpful tool in seeing how well your chapters are received. I hope you consider this review/comment, but its your story.
I admit it may be because I'm not into that military stuff but I didn't exactly enjoyed the first chapter. the personality of him or both of them...well I can't exactly describe them, if he is maybe the typical fun guy/asshole or if they try to hard to be cool. However I feel like those would be overreactions.
Since I suddenly saw Celestia and Luna in the and I fear for the worst and believe that they are going to have them in their head. I really don't get what the exciting thing about that is. I mean lately only that is be done and not just a guy that turned into Celestia without any weird destiny (which is forcing him to be eactly Celestia and not himself, or that they are just that character now, without the worst of consequences.
No matter how bad that may sounds, I'm actually still pretty much interessted.
She dropped her improvised weapon, which was a keyboard, dropped to her knees, and hugged Adam tightly.
"Argh...can't...breathe...face...hurt," he gasped.
She pulled back, "What the hell were you thinking?! I could've killed you!" she almost yelled. Angry and on the verge of tears since she had almost ended her brother's life right here in his house.
She almost ended his life with a keyboard? Well, that would have been an interesting cause of death!
"I want you to know that I l-love you Lyna and whatever happens nothing will change that―" he coughed again but more violently, "―even t-though earlier you smashed my face with a keyboard."
Lyna gave a nervous chuckle, "I love y-you too Adam, but I-I'm scared," she looked straight ahead.
"Don't be, face death, look at him in the eyes," Adam thought his response over, "If he has eyes of course, call him a faggot, and make him your bitch, alright, c-can you do that?"
She turned her head and nodded while smiling, "I'll try."
There's some errors here and there, but nothing major
About the plot... I'l have to read more to say anything, sorry
The only question is: how the hay did Adam pass the psycological test to enter the military if he's ready to chop people's dicks off for minor reasons?
Not a bad start, give it a solid 6-7 out of ten. The pacing is ruff as hell though, I recommend you go back and try to give some depth to the environment your oc's live in, give some descriptive narration to some of the things and places in your universe. Draw out interactions between characters with inner dialog or thoughts said character has on conversations they are having or have had. Sad you are not comfortable turning the like/dislike bar on, I find it is a helpful tool in seeing how well your chapters are received. I hope you consider this review/comment, but its your story.
There were few typos, but it's pretty good begining.
I admit it may be because I'm not into that military stuff but I didn't exactly enjoyed the first chapter. the personality of him or both of them...well I can't exactly describe them, if he is maybe the typical fun guy/asshole or if they try to hard to be cool. However I feel like those would be overreactions.
Since I suddenly saw Celestia and Luna in the and I fear for the worst and believe that they are going to have them in their head. I really don't get what the exciting thing about that is. I mean lately only that is be done and not just a guy that turned into Celestia without any weird destiny (which is forcing him to be eactly Celestia and not himself, or that they are just that character now, without the worst of consequences.
No matter how bad that may sounds, I'm actually still pretty much interessted.
7674761 Yeah maybe that was why it looked a bit.....off to me.
I didn't hated it, but I probably sounded like that while trying to describe it.
She almost ended his life with a keyboard? Well, that would have been an interesting cause of death!
Hey, it worked for Dante.
There's some errors here and there, but nothing major
About the plot... I'l have to read more to say anything, sorry
The only question is: how the hay did Adam pass the psycological test to enter the military if he's ready to chop people's dicks off for minor reasons?