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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This needs the crossover tag.
7618002 Fixed. Didn't know this requires crossover since most draw their ideas from many other forms of media. Huh.
7618009 While that is true it also helps inform people the original source material and as well as potential readers. Plus you are least likely to cause any trouble or confusion.
Just in the fact that you decided to make a crossover of this particular game, I'm going to have to keep an eye on this. If you do this well, oh the fun times there will be XD. I look forward to what you come up with
oh my god i cant believe this group is still alive
7618425 It outlived the source material.
hmm i wonder how long this story will go.
all the others seems to have been forgotten or cancelled.
oh i wonder if someone plans to make a crossover from the TiTS game (Trails in Tainted Space) which also is from Fenoxo
7619484 Me and Flair like to spread out the character's reasoning and backstory like that over time. You'll get why he is like that. I don't like the character info sheet put into one chapter and that's it, no story passing by. It kinda ruins the mood for me when everything is handed to you at once rather spreading it out over. It would be like, for us, putting the whole battle plan before the reader and then write it out and soon they would be bored by the end of it. We are not that good of writers because we are a dialogue heavy type. Not a description type. If that were true, all the dialogue, if collected, would only fit, from a thousand word chapter, you would only have around hundred words to read about. We really hate that concept. So...yeah. Everything would be explained in later chapters.
7619692
That's not what I meant. The way it is written is for example confusing at times. Like than the one guy got killed in chapter 1 I had to figure out by myself that there was suddenly another guy who did that. It happened so sudden and since both were human it confused me. One human kills another left me with the question who killed who? I don't ask you to spell secrets, because there is a time and place for these, just to explain what exactly is going on at times. Just to give some reactions. I mean dragon joins his party and no one had a clue that the dragon joined the party or why the dragon even joined this stranger who killed the dragons savior. At least that's what I THINK happened at the beginning.
Then a harpy is enslaved. Nice idea, but she is not really used in any way, other than to clean. No real interactions. And suddenly a second one was enslaved. Again no reaction or show of her personality. The best what you showed us is some fear from them. No development in that reaction. It just is lacking some important parts.
As a side note, I'm assuming this is a clopfic since it is based on CoC, but you didn't use any of the possibilities for a clopscene yet. The harpy would have been a good beginning for that. This would have helped bind her to him through pleasure. Not to mention that maybe a nice corruption like scene would have done wonders to show just how dangerous the demons and monsters are. At the moment they seem more like a joke, than some real threat.
I can only recommend you to think on my advice. There is a reason why a lot of people seem to dislike your story. At least a 5 to 10 ratio is something you should really think about. This story has potential, it only has to be used.