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Yes, my avatar is looking OP, but it is merely a transfer character I have that seems OP, but not in the sense you are thinking. Think multiverse. And there are way stronger worlds out there.
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- Leodin96 · 11k words · 60 11 · 1.7k views
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This needs the crossover tag.
7618002 Fixed. Didn't know this requires crossover since most draw their ideas from many other forms of media. Huh.
7618009 While that is true it also helps inform people the original source material and as well as potential readers. Plus you are least likely to cause any trouble or confusion.
Just in the fact that you decided to make a crossover of this particular game, I'm going to have to keep an eye on this. If you do this well, oh the fun times there will be XD. I look forward to what you come up with
oh my god i cant believe this group is still alive
7618425 It outlived the source material.
hmm i wonder how long this story will go.
all the others seems to have been forgotten or cancelled.
oh i wonder if someone plans to make a crossover from the TiTS game (Trails in Tainted Space) which also is from Fenoxo
You know, the concept is really good in my opinion. It just feels like you are pressing stuff that would make three or four chapters into one. I mean, it wasn't for example even mentioned that the dragon or human travelled together. Since when did he accept the dragon as a companion? Or what about the humans behavior if he really just arrived? Doesn't he want to find a way home? You know, this story just needs explaining. A lot of stuff happened, but it confuses slightly because it happens so suddenly without being properly explained.
So good concept, but a bit stuffed together.
7619484 Me and Flair like to spread out the character's reasoning and backstory like that over time. You'll get why he is like that. I don't like the character info sheet put into one chapter and that's it, no story passing by. It kinda ruins the mood for me when everything is handed to you at once rather spreading it out over. It would be like, for us, putting the whole battle plan before the reader and then write it out and soon they would be bored by the end of it. We are not that good of writers because we are a dialogue heavy type. Not a description type. If that were true, all the dialogue, if collected, would only fit, from a thousand word chapter, you would only have around hundred words to read about. We really hate that concept. So...yeah. Everything would be explained in later chapters.
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That's not what I meant. The way it is written is for example confusing at times. Like than the one guy got killed in chapter 1 I had to figure out by myself that there was suddenly another guy who did that. It happened so sudden and since both were human it confused me. One human kills another left me with the question who killed who? I don't ask you to spell secrets, because there is a time and place for these, just to explain what exactly is going on at times. Just to give some reactions. I mean dragon joins his party and no one had a clue that the dragon joined the party or why the dragon even joined this stranger who killed the dragons savior. At least that's what I THINK happened at the beginning.
Then a harpy is enslaved. Nice idea, but she is not really used in any way, other than to clean. No real interactions. And suddenly a second one was enslaved. Again no reaction or show of her personality. The best what you showed us is some fear from them. No development in that reaction. It just is lacking some important parts.
As a side note, I'm assuming this is a clopfic since it is based on CoC, but you didn't use any of the possibilities for a clopscene yet. The harpy would have been a good beginning for that. This would have helped bind her to him through pleasure. Not to mention that maybe a nice corruption like scene would have done wonders to show just how dangerous the demons and monsters are. At the moment they seem more like a joke, than some real threat.
I can only recommend you to think on my advice. There is a reason why a lot of people seem to dislike your story. At least a 5 to 10 ratio is something you should really think about. This story has potential, it only has to be used.
It technically is a bit late to be alarmed, considering he didn't react to being turned female. I expected some anger or displeasure right there, instead it seems a tad strange that this is the only reaction from him. Not to mention Naruto didn't react at all.
7619943 sharigan is gone
7619865 Rewriting now.
To the first, yeah, that part confused me too. My co-author decided to throw that in at the last second without telling me and I had to work with it. But intentions are listed and it should be fixed now. As for the question of why no one is questioning them traveling together, they just saved the town. I don't think towns ponies are in the mood for questions at that moment.
Secondly, I was able to put a bit more emotion coming from the harpy now. Though she doesn't show her true personality until a bit of time has past and I and Flair have come up some things for the second girl. I just hope its good enough.
Thirdly, going to write a scene with the harpy at the house, maybe a bit of the second one by either a tease or full on, haven't decided as of writing this. You were right, though. It does feel lacking at times when I read through that part.
7620020
I didn't mean the townponies. I was just wondering why the dragon joined him, even though the other guy just cut him loose and the new human just killed that guy that cut him loose, hence him killing the dragons savior and the dragon following the slayer of the savior making me confused.
Also the description of the story is nice, but it doesn't fit the story. The description says that almost all fell to debauchery, only in the story we don't see a single pony who actually fell to it. The situation doesn't seem serious. Scenes where ponies are raped and thoroughly enjoying it as they get corrupted would be a way to correct that. I mean, you have I think three enemies that were taken care off. You could have easily put a scene like that in it. Just saying it again, since I now noticed the description of the story which sounds like a promise for open public debauchery. A promise that is left unfulfilled.
Also glad you take my advice and try to work on it.
It's nice to see some corruption in this chapter! Pinkie fit the bill perfectly!
My only critic point would be that you should show that Rigi is really into sex instead of telling it. Show not tell is something really important when it comes to character. If Rigi is a huge pervert, then you have to show it in chapters. Since this is a clopfic, best would be to show it in clopscenes, since he has even enslaved two beings. Maybe some scenes where he is dominating one of his two slaves? Or a scene where he is sitting down in the living room, while one of his slaves is slurping away at his cock? Such things would help make their statements here more believable. Of course I don't know if you already edited the previous chapters and added such things, but I thought I might mention it, just to be sure.
Edit: I'm currently working on a CoC fic. You are welcome to share your thoughts and maybe even ideas on it if you like!
The pink gas made me think it would be an aphrodisiac and I was actually excited to see them behave under these effects. I was even hoping on the off chance that they would get it on with the kobolds considering the guards doubted they would get back. I was a tad disappointed neither of both happened.
I was happy that it was mentioned that Rigi uses Sophie though and he needs in my opinion much more scenes like this. And not just short scenes either. Long clopscenes would suit the character well. I also think in this chapter there would have fit a scene where Naruto and Sasuke awake while Rigi was in a chair watching over him, while one of his slaves rides him while moaning loudly, making the two uncomfortable. I really think there should be scenes where both of them feel uncomfortable, considering they are girls and live together with Rigi. I also find it a tad strange that Rarity actually forbids Naruto to have some fun with him. Like SHE is any better!
Ooh! I just thought about the conflict that would have happened if Naruto would have given in to some pink aphrodisiac gas! 
I also think the chapters currently focus rather strongly on Naruto and Sasuke, like they are the main characters, instead of Rigi or our silent human here.
7646443 Yes, it was sort of a knockout gas, making it easy to capture and have sex because it plays a bit like arcane gestures for imps with the added bonus of weakening the victim.
As for Rigi's scenes, you will get them soon. But I have to warn you, we made a few chapters on world building and a certain plot and no sex for a while. Forgot how long that is away. Then we move back to your normal CoC programming.
And yeah, we are kind of switching back and forth at times. Just think of it as like Naruto and Sasuke's chapter and Rigi and Asherah's chapter.
I know where you got the idea for this.
Please update the story
Have more of Naruto's friends come into the story.
Update please
I would assume twilight would go for ash before rig. Ash has powers twilights never seen before making him a test subject. Which usualy leads to a love interest. I see rig getting with luna or cadance. I see him hiting on luna then him getting teleported to her bedroom while she pulls out a copy of the pony sutra she wrote. Princess of the night indeed. Cadance i could see him trying to whoo and him getting brought to her sex dungeon. Where we find shining chrysalis and female sombre tied up and gagged. She's the princess of love of all kinks lol.
7620020
me like
Lol naruto and sasucka Turn into girls
When will the next chapter be posted because there is a lot of obscure references in this story.