I shouldn't have laughed so soon. Even though I had magic to help me build the house, I can't exactly sprout a house out of the ground in a matter of hours, like I do in Minecraft. So I had to sleep in a spare bed in - you guessed it - the library. I was a bit more persistent than Twilight, but in the end, I had no choice but to go join the festivities. I pounced down the stairs just in time to see Twilight take a long sip of the hot sauce she had poured into her drink while Pinkie Pie was babbling incessantly to her. Then, Twilight's hair burst into flames and fire shot out of her mouth. She ran out side to guzzle some water. I slowly trotted towards the table and looked for something to drink, making sure to steer clear of the hot sauce. I was inspecting something that looked suspiciously like whiskey (alcohol? In EQUESTRIA?!) when I was startled by a familiar gasp behind me. I turned and found an overjoyed Pinkie Pie staring at me.
"TWO new ponies?" she exclaimed. "In one day?! And they're both unicorns! What are the chances of that!"
"Pretty slim, I'd say." I tried to back away from that chatterbox, but the drink table was right behind me. I watched that vibrating pink electric toothbrush in front of me and just had to ask: "Do you take caffeine?"
She paused. "Huh?" she asked with a quizzical look.
"You know," I elaborated, "coffee, soda, et cetera?"
"Never heard of that stuff. Sounds tasty though!" Her excited vibrations started up again. She was a stationary pink blur. "I really like sugar though! I practically live off of pastries, apples, and apple pastries!"
"Uh, huh." I gave up looking for a way away from the pink hummingbird wing, knowing she would just follow me anyway. I decided to enjoy the conversation.
"So you're Engiminer?"
"How-? How did you know my name?"
Berry Punch walked over, overhearing the conversation. "It's just the way Pinkie is. We all learn not to question it. You drinkin' that?" She gestured at the whiskey I had been inspecting a minute earlier.
"Uhh, no?"
"Cool. Thanks." She snatched the bottle out of my grasp and took a big swig.
"Wow." I said. That pony can really hold her liquor!
"Well," Pinkie said, "I am gonna go see how the others are enjoying the party! See you later Engiminer!" She bounced away, swinging her plot from side to side. My eyes followed for a few seconds. Then I shook my head to clear my mind of her plot, and went outside to check on Twilight. She was just hanging out outside waiting for the party to be over.
"Hey, you alright? That hot sauce looked pretty strong!"
"Yeah, I'm fine... I was trying to have a nice sleep like a normal pony, when suddenly laughter and screaming are going on just below me. Then Pinkie Pie bounds up the stairs and starts rambling, 'Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie and I threw this party JUST for YOU!!!'" She sighed. "I know, I sound like a complete jerk, don't I?"
"Not at all. My mom has a much worse attitude when she's tired." Or, at least, she used to before she was bit. Twilight giggled, which of course made me grin like an idiot. What the hell? If these ponies are cute enough to make me grin like this, I'd hate to see Fluttershy! "Well, I'll talk to you later, Twilight. I would like to do a bit more work on my house before the Summer Sun Celebration."
"Umm, okay. I'll see you tomorrow, then." Twilight became noticeably nervous when I mentioned the momentous occasion going on the next morning. Understandable, because Nightmare Moon was to make her dramatic appearance there. Twilight took a deep breath and headed back inside to brave the gauntlet. I turned around and headed back to my partly-built home. I focused on making my bedroom livable so I could sleep, and I managed a couple hours of sleep before the excited words of ponies going to the town hall for the Celebration acted as my alarm clock. I loaded my pack with food and water and set it by my bed for later. I picked up my human jetpack and touched it with my glowing horn. I put on my new jet saddle, and strapped it on tight almost tight enough to restrict blood flow.
"Ready for anything." I muttered. "The enemy stands no chance."
Why do I already have 11 dislikes and only 3 likes? Is it my fluency? My style? Is it confusing? I don't know!
834639
Ok?
835961 Welp, there are a couple of reasons this has eleven dislikes.
1: Your username is the same as the characters. And If I'm correct, then the character will look exactly like your avatar pony.
2: Walls of text. See that little key next to the ' key? IT'S THE ENTER KEY. USE IT.
3: As for fluency, here's a tip, description. What this means is keep a constant flow of things. A.E if you have two characters talking about an evil villain's plans then have a variation of speech pattern.
Example (you): Rainbow Dash walked back and forth quickly "What are we gonna do about nightmare moon?" She said. Twilight went to the door "we have to go to the Everfree forest!" And the two were off.
Example (me): Rainbow Dash restlessly paced from one end of the tiny tree-library to the other, concern and fury fighting for dominance. "Twilight what do ya think we should do about Nightmare moon?!" She asked looking a mare who, up until a couple hours ago was a total stranger. Twilight sat at the small table, the sole piece of furniture in the otherwise barren library. After some time, she stood, her eyes clear and filled with conviction.
"There's only one thing we can do, go to the Everfree forest and find the Elements of Harmony!"
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One last thing. For your description, don't just write a compacted version of your story; leave some ambiguity. The escape from a desolate zombified earth? That should be a seed of anxiety within the main character. If he spent most of his life constantly having to fend off hordes of walking nightmares, wouldn't you think he'd be a bit skittish? Scared? Cautious?
P.S: Start a new paragraph for every new person talking. And your character already built his house in the first two chapters? Are you gonna explain that or something or is it like- AND SUDDENLY HOUSE.
Trying to help in the meanest way possible- Mr. I
835961
Pretty much what 836124 said.
But I'd like to add, that, sadly, a lot of "Human in Equestria" stories get a lot of hate in general. Except if they have something really really really special about them. So don't be surprised if there are always a couple of dislikes, no matter how hard you try to write a good story. Haters gonna hate, after all.