After making a potion to remedy the effects of a new strain of the feather flu, Twilight sets it out as she waits for some test subjects. Rarity, thinking that it's tea, drinks it without a second thought and discovers an unknown side effect.
Oh, Rarity, it's hopeless, lol. You can't control that thing. It takes years to learn how to keep them from popping up the instant you see something you like.
All in all, this is a nice setup, although I agree that a dirty scene with Twi would have been most welcome. My only complaint is the very first scene.
Could you find a shorter way to describe why such a potion was in her living room in a mug? I know you're writing full time and trying to crank out as much material as possible in the shortest time to get as much out of your commission fees as possible, and it kind of shows in the opening scene. It lacks the sort of finesse you display in the parts that you're really into. I understand you have a word limit because it's a commission, so I won't hold it against you on this one.
At first you say twilight pours the potion in a beaker but then you say it was a flask. You may want to charge the former into the word "flask". I say this because though people tend to use the terms interchangeably the beaker is the one with the wide mouth and is shaped like a regulay cylindrical cup. So if twilight had poured it into a beaker it would have had all the air exposure it needed to breathe. But i believe you meant she had poured it into the container that has a wide bottom and a narrow top. That is a flask and its understandable why she would need to pour it into coffee mugs to breathe if she had originally had the potion in one of those.
.... though i'm pretty sure most other people dont give a damn.
Kinda like the cover!
Ow my this story is getting very interesting to read keep up a good work it has my full attention now keep up the good work update more soon
I've only got one thing to say about where this story could possibly be going:
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Have a track, friend.
Well, this certainly has promise.
I'm looking forward to seeing where it progresses from here.
Hmm, well I'm here I guess.
Well I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going.
A good start, woulda liked a little magic job scene with twi but oh well.
As the universe speaks:
cdn.meme.am/instances/61791531.jpg
That is all.
7544607 Haha
Educate your unicorn about Sudden Awkward Penis Syndrome. It could happen to them!
Oh, Rarity, it's hopeless, lol. You can't control that thing. It takes years to learn how to keep them from popping up the instant you see something you like.
All in all, this is a nice setup, although I agree that a dirty scene with Twi would have been most welcome. My only complaint is the very first scene.
Could you find a shorter way to describe why such a potion was in her living room in a mug? I know you're writing full time and trying to crank out as much material as possible in the shortest time to get as much out of your commission fees as possible, and it kind of shows in the opening scene. It lacks the sort of finesse you display in the parts that you're really into. I understand you have a word limit because it's a commission, so I won't hold it against you on this one.
At first you say twilight pours the potion in a beaker but then you say it was a flask. You may want to charge the former into the word "flask". I say this because though people tend to use the terms interchangeably the beaker is the one with the wide mouth and is shaped like a regulay cylindrical cup. So if twilight had poured it into a beaker it would have had all the air exposure it needed to breathe. But i believe you meant she had poured it into the container that has a wide bottom and a narrow top. That is a flask and its understandable why she would need to pour it into coffee mugs to breathe if she had originally had the potion in one of those.
.... though i'm pretty sure most other people dont give a damn.
Oh what erotically comical tales you weave!
I foresee this just getting better and better.
Rarity humphed, then crossed his forelegs as he glared at Twilight. “Well... fine! Change me back this instant!”
;)