One word of advice is to watch their vocabulary. I realize they're older, but some of the word choices don't feel natural to the characters. Both are obviously intelligent, but feels a bit less like them in such an informal and intimate conversation.
I might suggest a bit more hesitance to show thought and emotion, as well? I got a sense like they already knew what they were going to say from this chapter rather than two impressionable young adults facing a minor crisis and trying to figure out how they felt about it, each other, and how to communicate those feelings. The feelings themselves were written well, though!
One word of advice is to watch their vocabulary. I realize they're older, but some of the word choices don't feel natural to the characters. Both are obviously intelligent, but feels a bit less like them in such an informal and intimate conversation.
Could you give me an example of this? Just so I have an idea of where I may have strayed?
7461919 This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for you. You gave me the fuel I needed to stoke the flames of my imagination. It's only right that I pay proper tribute to your material in thanks. *bows reverently*
“I just… this is quite a shock, as you can expect.”
“Well...um...okay let's try looking at this from another perspective.
I'm not lying about how to the extent where I’ve forgotten what I truly am at times.
Some examples! There's nothing wrong with any of these sentences, they just seem to be outside the personality of both characters. Really nailing a character's word choices can enhance even an already-satisfied reader's enjoyment of a story!
This a adorable, I want to clap for you, but I'm too busy reading...
Blaster-boners!
One word of advice is to watch their vocabulary. I realize they're older, but some of the word choices don't feel natural to the characters. Both are obviously intelligent, but feels a bit less like them in such an informal and intimate conversation.
I might suggest a bit more hesitance to show thought and emotion, as well? I got a sense like they already knew what they were going to say from this chapter rather than two impressionable young adults facing a minor crisis and trying to figure out how they felt about it, each other, and how to communicate those feelings. The feelings themselves were written well, though!
Keep up the good work!
Oh, dear...This story got so much inspiration from my comic and fiction! They even have blaster boner and used tape to prevent it! I'm so proud!!
7461868
Could you give me an example of this? Just so I have an idea of where I may have strayed?
7461919 This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for you. You gave me the fuel I needed to stoke the flames of my imagination. It's only right that I pay proper tribute to your material in thanks. *bows reverently*
Spike doesn't need to worry about those accidentally going off at him for any reason does he? Oh well, he's a dragon. I'm sure he'd be fine.
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Some examples! There's nothing wrong with any of these sentences, they just seem to be outside the personality of both characters. Really nailing a character's word choices can enhance even an already-satisfied reader's enjoyment of a story!
7462849 He'd probably "accidentally" send the lasers to Celestia.
I wonder can they fuck?
Very interesting, gotta admit, I'm getting into the idea and you're a very detailed writer. I like that.
If cadence was there she be all like "LOVE TRYUPS ALL!!"
Rainbow just feels natural when she is being crude like that. And Rarity calls Applejack uncouth.
I figured out why the fic is so "off". Nobody talks like a real person would talk. They all talk like textbooks.
Probably dropping this one, it just isn't speaking to me, which is sad, because I adore Sweetie Bot stuff with a burning passion.