Story of a Stick

by Xinrick

Stick goes to Everfree

After triple checking the meat wasn’t poisonous and having at least one of the roaming predators try out the meat and see the thing didn’t die I finally dug into well cooked manticore meat and smiled. “Damn this is good.” I sigh happily. I kept on eating before I heard something crack and I bolted up and looked around quickly. “Who’s there?” I growl, readying myself for a fight.

“Sheesh calm down.” A feminine voice said, making me turn around and see a Pink stick figure woman brushing some of her auburn hair out of her face. “Sheesh, stupid portal.”

“Hey.” I nod. “Want some food?” I ask, lifting another stick of cooked manticore meat over the campfire.

“You made sure it’s not poisoned” She says while I nod, seeing her walk over and take the stick of meat and gently taking a bite. “Well done.” She comments, smiling a little at tasting well cooked meat that wasn’t poisoned.

“Normally try to make it that way.” I chuckle while sitting down. “Names Simon.” I say, continuing to eat my food.

“Autumn.” The pink girl says. “So, how’d you get here?” She asks, biting down on the manticore meat. “So, how’d you get here?” She asks curiously.

“Some weird winged lady cut open a portal and send me here.” I shrug. “Said her name was Faust. What about you?”

“Strolling through the woods as per my usual day, suddenly something or someone opened a portal and pushed me in.” She grumbles.

“Weird.” I frown. “Have you heard of anyone else getting shoved through weird portals?” I ask.

“No...but Oxob joined Nemesis.” Autumn tells me.

“No shit really?” I ask, a smile growing on my face. “Glad to hear he’s back in action. Who’d he fight?”

“Jade. Poor guy’s legs are still weak and Jade kind of...blew up his hands.” Autumn says sheepishly.

“Oh jeez, but knowing Jade she’d probably be nice and help the poor guy out.” I nod, continuing to eat my food. We continued to eat in relative silence, the only sounds made was either us eating, the natural sounds of the forest, or the fire crackling as we finished up the rest of the food I made. “So, how is everything back home?” I ask.

“Fine.” She shrugs. “Nothing special, just the usual.”

“Ah.” I nod. “So where you are...I have literally no idea.” I state.

“How do you not know where you are?” Autumn asks curiously.

“I was immediately chased by the candy colored ponies.” I deadpan. “They were the police, and apparently they are fucking brain dead.” I growl.

“How so?”

“So I immediately see ponies, in a world I have never been to, and the first thing I decided to do was run away from the strange beings. So then they thought I did something wrong when I was lying on the ground passed out.” I explain with a frown. “Then next up as I continue running I happen to find this ‘Parasprite Queen’, murdered the bitch after she tried attacking me and threatening to devour the world...only to have the guards both give me a Hot Fuzz reference and shout at me saying ‘you confessed to murder’ and somehow destroyed an entire forest, which when I double checked it was perfectly fine.”

“Shit.” She says, her eyes wide at my story so far.

“It get’s worse.” I groan. “So I next stop at a city on the mountain over there,” I point at the city for emphasis. “And I was getting hungry, so I searched around there for food…sewer rats would be offended by how shit their food is.”

“How bad?” She asks worriedly, making me tear off the smallest bit of cooked manticore meat, a random leaf from a tree, and a claw from the manticore.

“Imagine the claw is cheese and this is your ‘dinner’.” I frown, showing her all the food she would get at several of those places.

“How dare they!” She screams in rage.

“It gets worse!” I state angrily. “So as I’m looking at these piles of shit places that have the balls to call themselves restaurants, some old looking unicorn mare struts out and says ‘that’s the best thing ever’. I was horrified to hear someone say that in joy, so then we got into a massive debate on how she doesn’t understand food in any way shape or form, she kept belittling me and saying I ‘have a problem’, then had the fucking audacity to tell me that her word is law, for a fucking critic!” I rant angrily, my voice having gotten pretty high at seeing Autumn recoil at my tone.

“Dude...calm down just a little.” Autumn says nervously.

“Sorry…” I sigh out, rubbing my temples. “It’s just...I know their ponies and have the herd mentality, but there’s a difference between ‘herd mentality’ and ‘brain dead mentality’.” I groan.

“Damn…” Autumn says while standing up. “Well you know the one way to help relieve stress.”

“We just met.” I say cheekily, causing Autumn to blush and slap me.

“Not that kind of stress relief!” She shouts, covering her chest with her arms in embarrassment, her face turning a reddish pink now. “No, we start fighting jack ass.”

I wanted to say another dirty joke but shrugged and got up. “Okay then, so what’s your special powers?” I ask, only to get smacked upside the head by something, and when I looked it was...a tree? “The hell?”

“Welcome to my domain.” She says, raising her hands and the earth shoot as giant wooden roots were summoned from the ground and pointed at me.

“So you have power over plants huh?” I ask, shoving my hands into my pocket dimension and pulling out twin swords. “Since I don’t want to burn or freeze the place I might as well just go with good ol’ fashion swords.” I smile, getting into a ready stance.

“Ready?” She says, flowers gently floating around her.

“Fight!” I shout, bolting straight towards Autumn with blinding speed, only to having both my swords stopped by tree roots. “Cripe.” I mutter before being sent back by the force of the push.

“Wood Hammer!” Autumn shouts, raising her hand and morphing the tree root into a giant hammer and ramming it down towards me.
I swiftly dodged it and dropped one of my swords, going back in my weapon vault and bringing out a pretty high tech looking katana. She tried smacking me again with the wooden hammer only for the sounds of a katana being unsheathed and sheathed could be heard at a very fast pace. A moment passed as Autumn’s eyes widened, seeing the giant wooden hammer suddenly cut to pieces.

“One sword style…” I mutter, grabbing the hilt of my katana. “Thirty Six Calibre Phoenix!” I shout, slashing my katana towards Autumn and sending a powerful visible slash of force towards her.

“Petal Wall!” She shouts quickly, hundreds of flower petals forming into a wall, blocking my attack and sending the attack scattering to the trees, cutting them down with ease. “Well that ain’t good.” She frown.

“Crap…” I frown. “Now this is why we always fight in either a desert or a wasteland.” I say before putting down my katana and picking up my two swords from before.

“I’ll try fixing it up later.” The pink woman says. “Needle Rain!” She shouts, raising the tree ‘vine’ up into the air and it suddenly spawning a shit ton of needles.

“Shit.” I frown, seeing it shoot thousands of needles down at me as I swiftly deflected all of them in a barely visible flurry of blades. I leaped to the side and ran around her, continuing to block the needles that kept raining down. “Three sword style…” I mutter, swiftly grabbing both of my dropped swords and biting the hilt of my unsheathed katana and seeming to stop time for a second. “Blade Whirlwind!” I shout, hopping a it before spinning like a top, making me force back all the needles as a flurry of slashes kept me going until I made it to the needle vine and I passed through it, the entire thing just falling to bits as I stopped and floated in the air. “Three sword style.”

“Hidden art.” Autumn mutters.

“Three thousand worlds!” I shout, seeming to dash off of the air straight towards Autumn.

“Gaia’s Wrath!” She shouts, a giant green symbol appeared as vines burst forth out of it.

---

“I hope Celestia got my message…” Twilight says worriedly.

“Don’t worry Twilight, everything’s going to-” Spike was about to say before a giant explosion could be heard. “Be...fine…” Spike says before being grabbed in Twilight’s magic and rushed out.

“What the buck!?!” Twilight shouts, seeing a massive dust cloud coming from the Everfree Forest.

“What the heck is that?” Spike asks, pointing up in the sky and seeing two beings flying in the air, one using swords and the other using petals as far as Spike could tell.

“Oh my Celestia…” Twilight mutters, rushing off to stop the two.

---

“Eagle Rage!” I shout, wind swirling around my leg as I dive kicked Autumn. She blocked yet again with her petal wall but I swiftly drove her down deeper into our forest battle ground.

“Petal Blizzard!” She shouts, her wall of petals suddenly bursting around us, the petals starting to swirl around me and cut at my arms and body in a flurry of red.

“Mega kick!” I shout, my left leg glowing a bright white before I slam my foot into Autumn’s stomach and sending her speeding down into the ground, causing a small explosion and cracks to form in the ground. “Megaton Punch!” I shout, my fist glowing a bright red as I dashed towards her.

“Water Lily Swallow!” She shouts, raising a hand up and a water lily seemed to appeared out of nowhere and ate me. The water started filling the lily rather quickly and trying to drown me.

“Tempest!” I shout, starting to spin in such a cramped space and cutting through the lily with my swords, flying out of it rather quickly.

“Creeping Vine!” She says, slamming her hand into the ground, snake like vines starting to dashing towards me. I readied my blades as the vines tried lunging for my arms and legs, swiftly slashing them away before feeling something touch my back. “Deadly Nightshade.” She says, pushing her palm into the ground and a force rammed me into the ground, a searing pain spreading through my back quickly.

I screamed in pain, twisting around and slashing the plant apart and getting it off of me. “That’s it lady, no more mister nice guy.” I growl. “Three sword style…”

“Thorn prison!” She shouts, summoning a massive cage of wood, spikes pointed towards me to try to keep me from moving.

“Tiger Song.” I whisper, the sound of my swords touching a wooden shield the only thing Autumn heard as she grunted in effort.

“Oaken Shield…” She says, feeling the force behind that strike, her shield having just barely stopped the attack. “Bark Rot.” She starts, the shield starting to rot and cover the blades and flecks of rotten wood.

I dashed away and swung my blade towards the ground, sending the rotting flecks onto some bushes and seeing the thing instantly rot away. “Damn…” I frown.

“Come on, is that all?” Autumn says while getting up, summoning two giant Venus Flytraps. “The power of nature is still hungry.” She says with a grin.

“Also really strong.” I point out. “Probably has something to do with the world…” I mutter, readying myself again for her next attack.

“Go!” She commands, sending the fly traps dashing towards me rather quickly, their mouths oozing with acid as they prepared to bit down on me.

“Choco Slash!” I shout, dashing forward as Autumn saw a massive Chocobo claw ram into both the Venus flytraps, sending them up into the air instead of instantly torn to pieces. “Psi-Tempest!” I add, flying up into the air, spinning my swords along with myself like a wheel and cutting all the way up one of the Flytraps.

“Heh.” Autumn smirks. “Spore Cloud!” She shouts, the split in half Flytrap suddenly shooting out yellow spores, making me fall down and cough loudly.

“Shit!” I shout, coughing and holding my throat and coughing like mad. I felt the paralyses force it’s way into my body. ”Shit...not again.” I mentally groan, taking a deep breath and calming myself down. “Chi Pulse...” I manage to say, as a pulse of gold surrounded me, causing Autumn to cover her eyes at the golden glow as I swiftly got up and checked if I could move properly. “Thank you Master Zheng.” I sigh out thankfully.

“Well glad to see that attack didn’t stop you.” Autumn says with a cocky grin. “I’m having fun, but I still have tricks up my sleeve.”

“I have only used swords and my hands and legs...I have yet to show you anything about me.” I grin, putting my swords back in my armory and summoning a rapier and a parrying dagger. “Rose Dance…” I mutter before dashing swiftly.

“Oaken Shield!” She shouts, the same shield made of oak popping up in front of the plant bender and thinking it’ll block my attack...only for her to be jabbed into the side by a sharp point. “Gah!”

“It’s a dance, it’s never just one way.” I say, causing her to shoot a bunch of petals towards me as I dodge again and jabbed her other side.

“Seeded Veil!” She shouts, raising her arms up and a seed enveloped her, causing me to stab into a seed that was as hard as a rock.

“Shit.” I growl, feeling the ground rumble before an oaken vine appeared below me and sent me flying. “Shit!” I shout, putting my weapons away and summoning a hammer, landing back on the ground and dashing at the seed, the oaken vine blocking me. “Batter Up!” I shout, ramming my hammer into the oaken vine and breaking it like a twig and smashing into the seed, separating it from the ground and sending it flying. “And it’s going! Going!” I call out, before another explosion could be seen. “And it’s go-” I was about to say, before hearing a small ‘crack’, making me look down at a plant bomb. “Oh come on!” I shout, the plant exploding and sent me flying towards her as well.

“Spiky shield.” She says to herself, the seed growing massive serrated thorns out of it and making her defense even better.

As I was sent flying towards her I found the seed with spikes on it now. “That’s it! MEGATON PRESS!” I shout, raising my hammer up and ramming it at the side of the spikey seed, the woman inside it feeling a massive blunt force ram her into the side of her seed and sent her flying yet again towards somewhere, small cracks starting to form from the strong impacts from the hammer and the impact of the ground. After I saw it flying I dashed off to find where the seed landed.

After a good run I found the seed land near an...Apple Farm? “The hell?” I frown, seeing the seed finally crack and open.

“Good.” She pants. “Dance of the Fallen Apples!” She shouts, ramming her hand into the ground and sending a pulse through it, heading straight forwards the trees. I was confused for a moment before the ground started to shake and the trees started….coming to life!?!

“Oh for fuck sakes!” I shouts. “Do you know how screwed someone is!?”

“Still gonna kick your ass!” She shouts, a tree pulling an apple out of it’s branches and throwing it at me, causing me to dodge on reflex and it was good because the fucking thing explodes!

“How the fuck!?!” I scream, seeing the apple trees now starting to charge at me. “Christ.” I groan, putting my hammer in my portable armory and pulling out two great swords. “Wraith of the Berserker!” I shout, the blades thrumming and runes starting to go down my arms and around my head, my eyes starting to turn a pure red and my black hair starting to grow and turn white. Once that was done I sort of lost control and dashed into the army of explosive apple trees, becoming nothing but a whirlwind of rage and swords as I cleaved through tree after tree without much of a problem.

“H-how the!?” She shouts, before a loud ‘eek!’ was heard as she ducked swiftly to dodge a tree being literally thrown at her, my roars of rage being heard in the middle of a massive tree invasion.

“WHAT IN TARNATION!?!” Applejack screams and rushes towards the pink stick figure. “Lady what in the hay is going on here?”

“I...uh…” She stutters, not sure what the fuck to be more worried about, me literally ripping an entire orchard of apples a collective new one, or the fact an orange pony was talking.

“And how in Celestia’s name did my apple orchard suddenly start running after that thing!?” Applejack shouts, royally pissed that a good portion of her family’s apples are now being destroyed without a single fuck given.

“I...may have...kinda...brought them to life?” She asks nervously, feeling like her words are gonna bite her in the ass.

“YOU WHAT!?!” The apple pony screams in rage, only to be stopped as a roar of rage could be heard with me standing on top of a bunch of twitching trees, and one of them actually did the ‘help me~’ motion before dropping dead. “Uh…”

“Shit...I have one more move…” She mutters, getting up and dashing over to me. My pure red eyes staring at her stopped her dead in her tracks, only for me to roar again and dash after her swiftly. “No no no!” She screams, only to hear a sudden ‘trip’ noise sound out before her and myself end up tumbling to the ground, my greatswords vanishing suddenly and me gaining some sort of conscious thought back.

“Hmm?” I wonder, suddenly feeling something soft on my lips and something even softer on my hand. “Hmm??” I hum worriedly, having a bad feeling about this. I looked down and saw Autumn’s eyes, wide with a mixture of furry and...something else. I gently lifted my head up and noticed the softness on my lips were gone. “Uh…”

“You….” She starts, only to be disturbed from her massive rant.

“WOO~! I WON THE BET!” Discord shouted out.

“Who the fuck are you?” I shout, staring at the random noise.

Discord warped away and left behind an apple.

“The hell?” I mutter, squeezing my hand accidentally.

“YOU!” Autumn shouts, making me look down and seeing her face completely red...and making me look down and I saw my hand on her C-cup breast. “PERVERT!” She screamed, using what little distance we had to slap me and send me away five feet. “You stupid pervert! How dare you kiss me and fondle me like that!”

“I was in the middle of a Berserker’s rage!” I shout, rubbing the red hand shaped mark on my face.

“That doesn’t excuse you for kissing me and fondling me asshole!” Autumn shouted, covering her breasts angrily. “Baka…” She growls.

“Did you seriously just say that!?” I shout, flabbergasted at hearing her say that.

“I WANT TO PUNCH HER IN HER SOUL!” Shouted a now hopping mad Pinkie Pie.

“The fuck?” Me and Autumn say at the same time. “Who the fuck are you?”

“Hi I’m Pinkie Pie. I hunt down weebs and make parties in my spare time.” She pulled out a mini cannon aimed at us.

“Oaken Shield!” Autumn shouts, summoning a wooden shield from the massive pile of destroyed trees. I swiftly hid behind Autumn and the shield.

“Seriously, the fuck is going on?” I say worriedly.

“FIRE IN THE HOLE!!” The cannon swallowed the shield and fires it into the sky towards the Badlands… “Whoopsie I sent them both.” Pinkie grinned at Applejack who merely grumbled in frustration.

“I hate everything…” Applejack mutters, looking at the desecrated trees and not knowing what to do.

Discord popped in and with a snap of his talons all the trees reappeared back in their original forms. He then gave Applejack a piece of paper with the bill. She took one look and fainted at all the zeroes.

---

“Well this sucks…” I frown, somehow getting in a sitting position as I saw Autumn fly away twice as fast as me. “She seemed nice though…” I sigh out, continuing to fly towards a massive wasteland. “Oh, now wasteland!” I shout, feeling myself descend. “God...I need some sleep.” I grumble, taking a deep breath and just pinching my nose at all this bullshit. “But I won’t get sleep cause more bullshit is gonna happen.” I growl, just knowing my next ‘adventure’ will involve more fighting and more of me getting slightly more pissed.

To be continued...

Comments

[Blaze the draconic mage]

This is amazing