Episode 6: The Results
After all the crazy political events and drama that was centered around the recent election, Discord was finally able to get the chance to make a follow up broadcast to his last one, which would go over the results of it, what happened that made the outcome so different from what everypony thought it would be… and where do we go from here. It was a lot to take in and it was time to kick things off with a bang… and a twist. And he knew just exactly how to do it as he straightened up his suit and tie.
“The Royal election… or as most ponies would say nowadays ‘I thought I wanted it to be over, but now that it is over, it turns out that the ending is even more worse than I thought!’ … Which, sounds like the perfect simplified review of a documentary on Prince Blueblood if that were ever to happen,” He started off as the crowd burst into the first set of laughter that definitely fit how things were going. “Now, as we know, the royal elections and with it, come this upset victory…”
“The winners of this years Princess Representative Election are…… by one vote over their competition… Princess Celestia and Luna! Congratulations!” That was followed by bursts of confetti as both sisters were seen hugging one another out of pure shock and excitement.
It was there that Discord paused the clip and then looked back at the crowd. “Yes… Princess Celestia and Luna, despite overwhelming odds against them, still came out on top… and inadvertently, that celebration hug right there is an example of what all the shippers out in the world called ‘princest’,” More laughter roared throughout the room as a new graphic of that same celebration image was made to look like they were kissing and that hearts were all around them. “But if we take a look back real quickly, we see that both of them had a LOT of competition and most of the competitions true colors were shown during the debate that we held several days before all of this. In fact, we interviewed some of the ponies who were at the debate and also pulled some results and we found out that some candidates approval ratings took a dramatic hit during this.”
This lead to everyone in the crowd sounding confused for a moment as Discord looked back at the group. “According to the Manehattan times, some candidates, who looked favorable… took a dramatic hit on their approval ratings. Remember Derpy Hooves, the mare who won the popular vote? Well, shortly after calling out Celestia, Luna and other Alicorn’s as ‘false gods’ and chasing out a muffin mare like a cat when you have them chase a laser pointer,” More laughs ensued in response as the draconequus picked up where he left off. “Her approval rating dropped from eighty two percent… all the way down to forty nine percent! That’s a complete forty percent drop! Which, oddly enough, forty percent is same percentage of complaints made to the Pegasus Postal Service about losing their packages in the mail.”
That was followed by a graphic of Derpy Hooves flying around normally, while leaving behind different packages on almost every cloud she passed. “Now, we talked with several of the ponies that were there at the panel and this is what they had to say when we asked what were their thoughts on her.”
“Just… straight out… I can’t even describe why, but she scared my own kids!” One stallion with two fillies spoke up first.
“I originally thought that her motto would represent her behavior and actions, but they didn’t at all. I would be concerned in wanting to raise my kids if she becomes a princess.” A mare with a young colt next to her replied.
“I like Derpy as a friend, but I’m not entirely sure if I can vote for her on this one.” A dark brown stallion with an hourglass cutie mark, a scarf wrapped around it’s neck and a slick back tail and mane replied. “I mean… I even asked if I could help her with her campaign planning and yet, she thought she could handle it herself.”
Once again, Discord paused it at that last one before looking back at the crowd. “That last stallion is right… We all know that Derpy can be a good friend for anypony, but a lot of the times, she goes in over her head. In fact, that stallion’s comment actually coincides with another thing I was going to touch on now. Since Celestia and Luna are still Princesses, what exactly can they do in order to improve the conditions of society as it stands because whatever is thrown the self made suggestion box I installed goes right directly to her fireplace through the chimney.” That had the crowd begin to laugh even more as it showed the graphic of the ‘suggestion box’ and when you open it up, flames were coming out of it.
That gave Discord the chance to drink some water before continuing. “Well, shortly after heading back into Canterlot Castle, both Princesses began to make some rather big reforms. Including making it easier for elected officials of cities and towns to contact and address major concerns that they have so they could help them. They’re talking with Thorax and other leaders of different kingdoms to see if they could help with anything to improve the Royal Guard and so on.” He explained, before adding something else. “And it’s good to see that they are working with that of other leaders and talking with other ponies to get things done… but there is a LOT of stuff on their ‘To Do list’. There’s handling immigration, dealing with the border issue even though we thought we already handled that and numerous other tasks. Which means they need to hire some ponies to help them with tackling them and also to get the right message across. So, they happened to find a pony that could serve as a good pony to communicate with the public… or so they thought.”
It lead to a clip that showed that the Princesses hired somepony who used to be a critic of the Princesses, but said that he was listening to them… Which sounded nice at first, but that was soon followed by a secondary clip that showed that the same pony went on an immensely vulgar tirade in an interview that lead to him getting fired before his actual start date. “Yes… this mistake was a bit of a small setback involving Mr. Mooch, the pony you just saw in that clip… and whose last name sounds like a buffalo STD.” That got the crowd laughing even more as Discord straightened himself up and looked back at the camera. “Originally, he was brought on in order to give insight into what certain political opponents would think of the Princesses and how to improve it. However, it came out the complete opposite when he took out his frustration on members of the royal family in Canterlot. Leaving news anchors in a rather… tricky position because they had to censor most of it. Including this moment here…”
“-Another part of the interview here gets really graphic here. I’m not Prince Blueblood, I’m not trying to [Blank] my own [blank]-”
That caused Discord to raise a finger on his paw for a moment as he looked back at the camera. What he said next got the entire room roaring in laughter. “Suck my own cock… That’s what he said… for the record… to a reporter, there’s just no way of being discreet about this anymore.” That had the room erupt in laughter for almost an entire minute as the draconequus redirected his attention away from that and back to the Princesses. “And yet, I’m glad that the princesses are working on trying to fix the problems that may come up, but somehow, trying to solve one problem causes another one. Like leaks dripping from the ceiling. If you try making sure one is closed up, another one that’s even bigger just happens to show up later.” That was followed by showing a graphic of himself, Fluttershy and a couple of the animals at Fluttershy’s cottage holding buckets as more drips of water keep falling down from the ceiling.
“But it’s also to note that despite the heavy list of good things that the princess has been doing, there also a couple of not so good things,” He pointed out, which caught the audience’s attention. “First, there was something that occurred earlier in the week that even caught me by surprise. And that was to try and ban programs, like this one, from either airing or being seen. Now of course, her reasoning behind it was because she believed that children should not be influenced by particular shows that are for adults, but it’s a move like that drew out harsh criticism. In fact, earlier this week, there was another crowd of ponies, demanding that this move is an attack on their rights. The ban was later removed shortly afterwards, but it had only been up ONE night and yet… it didn’t really do much to resolve the problem that it was trying to fix.”
The crowd was rather surprised to hear that, just before Discord used this comment. “It’s like trying to use a mousetrap to try and protect your home from spiders… or if you are trying to use sunscreen to protect yourself from head lice. You may have the right protection, but you’re using it for the wrong reason.” That had the crowd laughing some more as Discord had the chance to look back at the camera and speak.
“But if you think that one mistake is something… you may want to check out this story.”
“-Controversy around Canterlot is surging once again after the princesses pick for the royal treasury, Big Bucks,boldly accuses several ponies of currency inflation-”
“-The princesses pick for the royal treasury has accused several former members of the Canterlot Government and also friends of the princesses for stealing from the people and inflation. Going as far as saying the reason why the chaos spirit, Discord, funds his studio is because he always pickpockets a bit from his viewers without them realizing it-”
That had the crowd gasp for a moment as Discord put his hands up for a moment. “Woah woah woah, there. Everypony, calm down… for one thing, he’s describing this like doing these broadcasts is actually a job I’m paid for. For the record, this whole thing is just a hobby that I love to do!! And also, why would I want to steal bits from other ponies when I can just make it rain bits right now?” With a snap of his paw, he began to prove his point by causing the entire set to be raining bits as he looked back at the camera. “Make it RAIN!!!”
After a few short moments and a whole bunch of laughing and cheering from his audience, he then decided to snap his fingers to clear up his mess and continue on with what he was originally saying. “Now, I know what you may be thinking… bold claims and false truths are clearly not a fresh observation when it comes to Government. Some ponies on one side of the room right now would be like… ‘Wow, hot take there Dissy. Next, you’re going to say that Prince Blueblood is a prick, some of the nobles are racist and Princess Cadence gained her title of Princess of Love from the amount of times she’s slept with somepony,’. The Graphic on the screen now was what appeared to be a tally list of the ‘times I slept with somepony’ and having it be more than one. “While on the other side of the aisle, some ponies will think, ‘Oh brilliant, here comes another flurry of snowflakes from Last Cuck Tonight with Dissy trigger warning’... The point that I’m trying to get across is that even though things are… almost back to the way things were before, there have been a couple of early slip ups that have made this whole process a rather bumpy road for Celestia and Luna. And this government can’t fully be able to function and serve for the people unless it actually listens to the people. And no, I don’t mean the rich people or the very successful people who brag about it like every five seconds. I’m talking about the people who you pass by everyday on the street and who voted for this outcome. We can’t truly be able to help one another until we stop shouting at one another… and when we do, that’s when our voices can be heard. We should help them by doing our part… so that way we don’t have another Mooch speak for us.”
Many individuals cheered in the background for a few moments, shortly before Discord coughed and cleared his throat. “Now… one of the things that also caught my attention with this week is the appointment of a new Captain of the Royal Guard in order to take over the place of Shining Armor while he’s in the crystal empire doing whatever activities that happen at private social events. Now, with what was recently discussed during one of our own broadcasts and the fact that having the nobles lead the guard is a bad decision, Princess Luna decided to have the captain of the Royal Guard be a earth pony named Scorched Ash and let’s just say… she’s rather serious with her job.”
“I’m the one leading this vanguard, so if any of you ****ers have anything to say, NOW’S THE TIME!!!”
That… threw the crowd off guard to the point to where even Discord looked like he was scared by that. “Dear chaos, that mare is not only intimidating, but also completely scary!! I would not want to be thrown into a fight where I can’t use magic against her because with how fierce she is, that mare can tear my f*yay*ing limbs off! Followed by using those same limbs as a club and beating me to the point where I might be in the ER for the next few days…” That was followed by an image of what looked like Discord in a full body cast while a severed arm was next to his bedside with a gift label that read ‘To: Discord, From: Ash’.
“Now… This move in order to try to reform the guard and whip them up to shape is actually one that I am most in favor of surprisingly. Especially since she has no secret ties to any of the nobles whatsoever, has numerous years of military experience and dedicates herself and her would career to serving and protecting the people,” The Draconequus listed off the qualities one by one as he looked back at his audience. “In fact, she and Shining Armor were both cadets in the same class when they originally enrolled and it is also where this happened.”
That brief pause was followed by a clip of when Shining Armor and Scorched Ash were asked to face each other in a sparring match. But, when Shining took a moment to ask if it was ethical or not because it involved hitting a mare, he was blindsided by an incoming shoulder tackle from Scorched Ash that sent him crashing through a wall. “Wow… For the record, the only other time that a mare would throw herself directly into Shining Armor’s path that fast was actually Cadence on their honeymoon.” That had the crowd erupt in laughter as the graphic soon showed a closed hotel door with the sign that said ‘do not disturb’ directly on the door handle. “Now, to sum up where we are at right now… Celestia and Luna are still the Princesses, they’ve been making positive reforms, but with a few that had bounced back at them one day after taking effect, two controversial picks for positions on their cabinet that ended up being let go before their jobs were even suppose to start, and a very badass soldier that’s running the guard. So, things have been like a normal game of darts at a cider pub. Hit and miss.”
Laughs ensued again followed by Discord clearing his throat one last time. “So… What does that mean for us? Well, quite simply, at this point, Celestia and Luna are still trying to figure out ideal candidates for ponies to fill in roles such as Education, Migration Policy, and so on. But instead of letting them choose somepony who may be another mistake… they should consider ponies who have the right qualifications and attitude for the positions. Heck, a whole bunch of you formed a massive mob outside of Twilight’s castle for the same thing, so why not shift the focus towards Canterlot now? Because this is a process that Celestia or Luna can’t be able to undergo alone… but with your help, who knows? Maybe we can get Equestria back on the right track… just make sure that it’s not on the wrong train… and now, this.”
As he said that, a new screen popped up for the audience to watch as some letters began to form. “And now…… multiple newscasters trying to not say the words ‘Suck my own Cock’.” Which included the following responses… that got the crowd roaring as the montage began to play.
“-I’m not Prince Blueblood, I’m not trying to…… Oh dear Celestia, this is making me sick-”
“-I’m not trying to… ‘Expletive’... my own… ‘expletive’-.”
“-This stallion is suggestion that Prince Blueblood performs… impossible physical acts upon himself-”
“-Which only seems possible, if true, would make Blueblood a gymnast-”
“-Acts that I think require flexibility that he or barely any of us even have-”
“-We can’t go over this full interview because it would break our bleep machine-”
“-He must be describing Blueblood as a member of the circus in order to have that flexibility… Which makes me wonder if he was adopted from a former ringmaster.”
Next Morning
Shortly after Princess Celestia had raised the sun that morning, the solar alicorn began to walk into the hall of elements in order to prepare herself for day court… only to find that one of her oldest staff members… and also a very close friend named Kibitz was pulling himself out of what looked like a big pile of scrolls.
“P-princess! It’s good to see you this morning.”
“Kibitz?” She asked, looking at the scrolls and thinking to herself. The first thing that came to her mind was when she was swamped by a bunch of scrolls that contained different friendship lessons in them, which was a prank that was done by Rainbow Dash. She thought that this was also the same case, but it was likely that it could be other things too. “What do we have here, this morning?”
“Well, princess,” The elderly stallion replied as he picked one up and opened it. “It appears that these are… job applications and resumes… Would you happen to know what’s going on?”
“That’s… odd,” The princess spoke, shaking her head in response before lightly tapping her chin for a moment. “We didn’t have any recent job openings as of lately. I know that we have been making some changes around the castle when it comes to staff members, but we did not have any jobs open to the public.”
It was then that the two of them now noticed the newly appointed Royal Guard captain, Scorched Ash, approach them as she spoke up. “Forgive me for sounding abrupt, your highness, but try telling that to the crowd that’s outside. They’ve been forming even before you raised the sun and some of them have tried to break into the palace grounds. But none of them seem to be upset… but actually more… desperate.”
“Desperate?” Celestia asked, confused.
“There were several ponies out there who were saying that they want to be your advisor on education, a few that were claiming to be proficient in terms of border security… and then there were the more profane ponies that were asking if there was truth regarding what was said about your nephew.”
“No wonder Blueblood’s locked himself in his room for the past day.” Celestia sighed, looking back at them. “Have you heard anything about my sister?”
“Well, when I last heard about the night guard’s activities, they told me that Princess Luna was using the chaos at the front of the palace to go to the bookstore to get a copy of that new book one of your fellow princesses wrote…… what is it suppose to be? A self help manual?” The confused captain asked. Which, caused Celestia to sigh for a moment before she could speak.
“It’s a Friendship lesson book, containing lessons from Twilight and her friends herself.” The Princess simplified. “In fact, I think it’s a good thing to let other ponies learn from their experiences and have it apply to them.”
“Yeah, until they start arguing which lessons are the best…” Ash mumbled to herself, before looking back at Celestia… who was looking at her with a raised eyebrow. “What? Is somepony likes something to a degree, they’ll sometimes stop at nothing to show that their opinion is better than anypony else’s. It’s happened more than once before.”
“I… see.” The princess replied, before both of them found two guards drag one pony back outside as it was crying out.
“Please!! Princess!! Let me be your snuggle bunny!! PLEASE!!” The stallion shouted, before being sent back out to the crowd as Ash facehooved herself and deeply sighed… this was definitely going to be one of those days.
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.....FUN.
I find it amazing that I’m reading this and imagineing John Oliver’s voice coming out of Discord.
8398793
xD. Glad you like it. I got some surprises in store for the next chapter once Discord is back in Episode 8. Had to temporarily call in sick... but you'll like who's keeping an eye on things for episode 7
Darn. I voted for Discord.
8398793
Same here XD.