Episode 3: Princesses and Godhood
After having to handle a bunch of crazy incidents that just happened to throw a huge wrench into his production schedule, the draconequus known as Discord had finally gotten around to preparing for the next episode of his hit series, Last Week Tonight. This time though, the concept of the episode had to revolve around something he overheard in a conversation with Luna. How she told him that even though they are seen as very important figures in society, they could make mistakes too and that they were not as perfect as ponies may have been lead to believe.
One particular instance that happened most recently happened was a perfect example of this and ironically, it occurred between both sisters. Setting up the stage for the episode that he was going to do tonight. He even had a few surprises as well with this one as he made sure to dress in some more… proper clothes than the same suit that he happened to wear before that was exactly the same thing he wore to the Grand Galloping Gala. Now he had a dark navy blazer this time around with a sea blue dress shirt underneath and a tie to match his coat.
And with himself being fully prepared and his mind set on the show this evening, he soon began to clear his throat, had the camera begin filming and look back at the Camera. “Welcome to Last Week Tonight, the show that knows how to count to three… I’m looking at you Valve… Mr. Freeman is waiting.” Several laughs were heard in the background in response to the first comment he made, shortly before he began to speak. “Now, I want to start by saying that I’m sorry that I haven’t gotten around to being able to release many of these videos as I want to due to… recent events…” When he said that, it showed a image of him standing with everypony else, including King Thorax and the reformed changelings when they foiled Queen Chrysalis’ plan… again. “... But the subject that I want to cover tonight is going to be a real treat. Tonight, we are looking at the princesses… and yes, for you, the first thing that comes to mind when I say that may very well be Sunbutt eating cake and Moonshine stalking your dreams…”
More laughs being heard in the background were soon followed though by something he said afterwards. “I know… and to most people, a lot of ponies think that when you are an alicorn, you are instantly a god… However, they can’t be more misguided… and who to explain it better than the mare of the night herself in this clip.”
“Over the years, many ponies don’t know that even though we are princesses… we can still make mistakes and also bad decisions. We’re just as equine as they are… and I do hope many ponies understand that.”
“Well, of course it would be easy for some people to believe that… yet, it’s just as likely that the worshippers of the Church of Celestia would think that we are heathens or false prophets trying to undermine their faith.” With it, it showed a stallion in a black robe holding a book with Celestia’s cutie mark emblazoned on the front of it as they were talking in front of a group of worshippers… with torches and pitchforks. “Now… In order for the full extent of this episode to work, we’re going to need to break it down into a couple of parts. First, why ponies are seeing them as such. Second, how much has it impacted everypony across Equestria and lastly, what can we do to fix this extreme case of assuming something that turns out to be more far from the truth. Like the stallion who thinks that getting caught in a Poison Joke patch is only a ‘small’ problem. Spoiler alert, it’s not.” The screen, and set, changed to that everypony could see was a Hearth’s warming Eve special. “As you all may know, Hearth’s Warming Eve is a time of celebration, reunions, friendships, and peace next to a warm fire while it’s freezing cold outside. But, there’s one major thing missing in this classic story… WHERE WAS CELESTIA AND LUNA!?!?!?” The screen showed the princesses, but they had googly eyes and more cartoonish mouths that had a single tooth showing. “Seriously, where were they? How did they get into power? If Unicorns could move the sun and moon, then why is Celestia and Luna now doing it!? Were you ALL that lazy when they invaded your homeland!?”
A loud uproar of laughes and noise occurred in response as Discord took a moment to recompose himself. “Now… We have asked some locals out in Manehattan on how they think the sisters came into power and some of the responses we got were just… rather shocking to say the least. Just look at this.”
“How do you think the royal sisters became the rulers of Equestria?” A reporter in Manehattan asked a pony passing through the street as they passed him.
“Rock, paper, scissors?” A mare replied. Before transitioning to a stallion that was going to cross the street.
“They… I don’t know… called dibs or something?”
“Wait wait… You think that Celestia and Luna rule Equestria now… because they called dibs? Then WHO would be the other nominees!?” He asked, before a literal lightbulb formed above his head. “Oh, right… the old me…” Hearing that had a few more laughs in the background play as he then stated something surprising.
“We spent over four hours trying to get one correct answer… and when we got it, we honestly could not believe who told us the right answer.” It showed a young filly, almost grade school age with a twisty like mane and tail. “Meet Twist… and yes, that is her name. Her parents are also known as Twirl and Tap… sheesh, what’s up with these weird names? Can we just get some pony with a name that’s clearly NSFW? Anyways, they’re more or less candy makers, but Twist’s answer is just as sweet as her… well… sweets.”
The clip soon played… and with it, the filly’s response to the question. “It turns out,” she spoke with a bit of a speech impediment “There was a sign in an old language that read ‘Private Property of Faust and Family. Join us, or get out!’. And, it turned out that they were… well, species-ist against anything that wasn’t like them, so nearby Zebras were kicked out to what we now call Zebafrica.”
“... That was it. Your princesses had control because it was their mom’s prejudice against other creatures… let’s see how the Zebras react to this!”
The clip quickly showed an army of Zebras enraged, burning and destroying everything, with them holding signs that read, in Zebafrican, ‘Black and White Striped Lives Matter!’. Discord only blinked. “... I think this calls for Pepsi...” The draconequus said, letting there be a brief pause for a moment before looking back at the camera. “Now, this is not entirely Celestia and Luna’s fault. Even Luna herself had told me in an interview that there were still a lot of family secrets that they’re just finding out now. Which, brings me to the second part of this subject. How much of an impact have these family secrets have impacted society? Now, I know that the whole concept for Friendship and everything else is making things improve nowadays. Heck, I’m all for it… but let’s think of this question like Karma… as in something from the past comes back to bite you in the ass.”
More laughs were heard in the background, especially with the satisfying rhyme scheme that was heard from the draconequus. “Back in Equestria’s history, it wasn’t exactly as colorful and friendly as it is right now. Especially with… oh I don’t know, the fear of Wendigo’s breathing down your neck and also the likelihood of having yourself being an equine ice cube being at an all time high. Now, Earth Ponies, Unicorns, and Pegasi were all the meetings for the first Heart’s Warming in order to drive off the Wendigos… but it also leads to the question… where was everypony else? Where were the dragons, griffons and zebra’s? If this was suppose to be something where EVERYPONY was suppose to come together, where were they!?... Well, the answer is also simple.”
The screen showed a bird's eye view of Canterlot, with the land itself being surrounded by what looked like borders.
“Wow…… Looks like Faust was already putting a plan together for a border wall before this bigot decided to copy her idea. I call that plagiarism at it’s finest!!” Discord replied, showing an image of a pony with a gold and poofy mane, business suit and also a huge ego with putting his name on literally everything he sells. “And no, he’s not related to Filthy Rich, or his family… at least, I think so.”
Taking a deep breath, the draconequus waited for the laughs to die down first before speaking again. “Now, back in the past, there were reasons for having those borders in place. Mostly because Faust herself was concerned about invasions from the Crystal Empire in the north. But since then, times have changed… and I’m going to make a change right now.” He snapped his claw and the border went away… which was soon followed by many ponies running in, each wearing sombreros and had large mustaches. Discord scratched his eyes. “What the-!? Where did they come from!?”
Taking a moment to fix it, he decided to have the border turn from a wall to a fence with several openings… to allow for a more controlled flow of migrants as he looked back at the camera. “Well, that’s one crisis averted… hopefully… The point on this subject is that there isn’t a need to fear any particular form of invasion… especially if there were any problems, you would have the ragtag group of overpowered Friendship enforcers on your location faster than the wonderbolts… or Celestia’s decision to adopt Blueblood.”
That lead to a dramatic gasp from the crowd, which of course lead to Discord raising an eyebrow. “Oh come on, you cannot be serious… Have any of you actually asked yourself… ‘Geez, why is he a prince and the member of the royal family, yet he’s a unicorn?’ Well We actually looked into it and found that out… but honestly, I don’t even think he knows it yet because he’s still being the prince of douchey unicorns back in Canterlot.” That statement was soon followed by an image of Blueblood at a desk with a name tag saying “President of the royal douchebag association”.
This in itself had caused the entire ‘audience’ to break out in a laughing riot as Discord waited for a pause in the onslaught of noise before he could speak again. “Aside from Prince DumbBell though, all of this leads to one main question. What exactly can we do to fix this. A part of friendship from what I have learned is being inclusive. Meaning that everyone is a part of something and no one is specifically left out just because we don’t like them. Heck, Celestia and her advisors were already taking action recently with what we pointed out on Education for Earth Ponies last week and are making substantial progress on it. But there are still a lot more things that can be done on top of everything that we are doing. Because we all know deep down inside that if you bring a princess to her breaking point… this happens.”
The newest clip that played on screen showcased the incident that occurred when Starlight Glimmer had to solve a friendship problem between Celestia and Luna, along with the resulting incident that occurred afterwards when she accidently swapped their cutie marks… but the real kicker was at one point when they had seen Nightmare Moon… and what looked like a completely demonic version of Celestia as the clip stopped. “Woah… Not one to sound offensive, but right away, that already looks like a piece of hot ass…” The crowd laughed again at the joke, followed by Discord speaking some more. “Now, this here, from what sources have told me, is Daybreaker… or in other terms, the end result of a one night stand with the sun. But hey, looks who’s talking? I’m basically the result of a massive orgy between multiple species in which I don’t even know what some parts are and I have the guts to even make fun of myself on this broadcast.”
That left multiple laughs going off in the background as the Draconequus cleared his throat and looked back at the camera. “But enough with the innuendo’s and sexual jokes… the point here is that everypony, even alicorns, have limits. In order for real change, we need to be able to include everybody. Not just different kinds of ponies, but different species too. Nopony can take on everything just by themselves… so feel free to ask for help. Heck, most of you are probably still waiting a confirm or deny response from Princess Twilight for jobs that she didn’t even post up and when you stormed her castle, caused her to faint faster than if Fluttershy finds out you have a secret crush on her.”
The last part caused a bit of a blush to form on Discord’s face as he looked back at the camera nervously. “With that, that’s our show for tonight. Thank you everypony for staying with us and remember… lend a helping hoof to anyone… except Blueblood. He needs to realize being a douche is not helpful to his health first before actually being helped… Take this into account, Twilight. How you imagined the Changelings and Dragons could come off to some ponies as a tad bit… oh, I don’t know… racist.”
The Following Morning…
The Princess of Friendship, Twilight Sparkle, woke up to the feeling of a throbbing headache inside her head as she slowly began to rise from her bed. It was only a few moments after she had originally woken up, but the sooner she was getting her senses cleared up, the sooner she could feel that something was… different.
“Twilight, are you up?” The sound of her former student, Starlight Glimmer, asked her as the alicorn was getting her senses in order. Yet, that happened almost immediately when she heard Starlight’s next sentence. “The Princesses are here-”
“I’M PANCAKE!!” Twilight shot straight up, before turning to the unicorn for a minute, “S-Sorry, I meant ‘I’m Awake’. Why, is something going on? Why would the Princesses be here?”
“From the sounds of what they told me, something has come to their attention and they want to speak with us about it. Something involving an… interview with Discord-?” Twilight was already having a bad feeling the moment she heard Starlight say that. With the recent shots that had been fired the last two times that Discord had done similar broadcasts, she had been flooded with several applications for jobs that she didn’t even put up and the farmers and earth ponies went on strike until they got a better quality education. This time, she hoped that this one wasn’t as severe.
Yet, when she soon stepped out into the main hall, where Princess Celestia and Luna were waiting, both of them looked back at Twilight and Starlight with looks of concern on their face. “Good morning, Twilight… I wish that we could be here under better circumstances.”
“Why, what’s the matter?” Twilight asked.
“Well… it appears that with this next… broadcast that he did, Discord had taken one of Luna’s suggestions a little too seriously. Frankly though, we haven’t seen it yet, so we don’t know what kind of ramifications that it may have on society yet.” Celestia replied, before noticing the rest of Twilight’s friends coming inside in order to join them. “Ah, welcome everypony.”
“Good morning to ya’ll, princess…” Applejack replied. It took a few minutes to get everypony up to speed on what was happening, though, it seemed Applejack and Pinkie Pie seemed a bit happy with what happened.
“Who knew the ways to make a genuine poem were difficult!” Pinkie spoke “I just added apostrophes in the the middle of words to sound fancy.”
“Pinkie, I’m not sure if it works like that…” Twilight sighed. “Celestia, why did you call us all together?”
“Well, I’ve been informed that Discord has done another one of his broadcasts, so I thought that since his last two had caused some… changes for ponies that we would try to see this one together and have everypony share their opinions on it at the end.”
“Uhh… are you sure on that?” Spike tried to speak up, only to hear himself be ignored in the process.
“Are ya’ll kidding me?” AJ asked. “Ah don't wanna give ALL mah respect to him, but Ah’m quite glad to hear that mah little sis has a chance to do something better with her life.” Rainbow turned to AJ.
“Wait, you like this?” She asked.
“Considerin’ how not every apple is a farmer, Ah’m alright with it.”
“Uh… Girls?”
“My word, what do you think he may be talking about this time?” Rarity then asked.
“Girls?... GIRLS!!?” Everypony turned back around to where Spike was the moment he caught their attention. “I have it ready and… the subject is about the Princesses.” That had everyone look at Celestia and Luna… while Celestia looked at her sister.
“... WHAT!?” Twilight broke the silence.
“Luna, what did you do?” Celestia then asked her.
“Why do you think I did something?”
“There’s also a note here from Discord thanking Luna for the suggestion.” Spike added to the conversation.
“I mean, he could be talking about anypony.” The door busted and Blueblood ran in, crying and falling to Celestia’s hooves.
“WHYYY!?!?!? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!?!?!? EVERYTHING YOU SAID WAS A LIE!!!” Blueblood cried heavily. Which, just lead to everypony looking at him in confusion before Luna facehooved herself.
“Oh Faust…… He must’ve found out that he was adopted.” She mumbled.
“MY REPUTATION IS FOREVER RUINED!!!”
“...... Should I get out the ice cream?” Spike asked Luna in response to the Prince’s outburst. Which, her only reply was a nod of the head as Celestia tried to comfort Blueblood the best she could. All while everypony else proceeded to the nearby room in order to watch the broadcast Discord had done the other night.
Little did they know though, that with each moment that passed… from a tiny corner of the room, Discord was able to see each reaction from them from a hidden camera he disguised as a crystal on Twilight’s chandelier. And by the time everything was said and done, the only way he could describe how they were responding to it was simply one word.
“Priceless.”
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About damn time.
I can think of one, but as the rating of this fic is Teen, I won't write it.
A shame really, given that I'm otherwise enjoying this.
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Oh great. I can't even get away from real-world political-BS even in MLP fanfictions!
ugh besides the Trump hate im loving this!
I know I have many more chapters to but.....has Flutters confronted Discord on his hobby? ....or apparent crush?
8939120
You'll see. Besides, Fluttershy doesn't mind. Eventually, he relocates to his home in Chaosville to do future shows.