Episode 16: FIHA and the Equus Cup
A week after his original piece where he had interviewed all of the creatures that were involved in the events that transpired from the Friendship Festival Incident, Discord… decided to try and think of a different subject in terms with what the next episode should be about. But there had been one thing that he thought about earlier in the week when he was reading about some upcoming events in sports. Something that, to him, was fun to watch… but not exactly fun to participate in. Mostly because he would swear to not use his chaos magic during a match and it would be more than likely that his lion paw claws or eagle talons would accidentally pop any inflated ball that’s thrown his way.
Though, there was one sport that was played not just throughout Equestria, but in other countries that was a worldwide phenomenon. Soccer, or as it’s known abroad, Hoofball. And every four years, there was a massive tournament where multiple countries from across the world competed in a single place to win what’s called the ‘Equus Cup’. It was something that Discord liked and the sport itself was something that he found entertaining…… but when he began to look more into them… that was when he began to find some of the more troubling things with the organization that were really not a good sign for the sport in general.
So, after he made some preparations for the next episode and everypony that was in the crowd decided to take a seat, the draconequus decided to put a spin on the opening for it. “Welcome everypony to Last Week Tonight… I’m Discord, thank you so much for joining us tonight,” He said, shortly before clearing his throat. “Now… Tonight is going to be a little bit different than what we normally cover than previous weeks, but I think you’ll still be entertained by what’s in store.”
As he straightened his tie and looked back at the crowd, he then began to speak. “But before we begin… I would like to talk to you about something called the ‘Sausage Principle’. Meaning that if you love something… NEVER find out how it’s made. Well, tonight… I would like to show you my sausage-” Just as he was about to finish that, he heard several loud cheers in the background, causing Discord to try and clarify things. “Wait, wait wait! Hang on a minute… Wait… Let me show you my sausage.”
“The 2018 FIHA Equus Cup”
And just that statement alone had Discord sound like a fangirl that was attending a Countess Coloratura concert, shortly before coming back to his senses. “The Equus Cup is coming this summer and it is something that I am both excited for… and extremely conflicted about. I know, I know that when most of you think of soccer, you see it as that one thing that all the school children are playing at recess or that one thing that you need to pick up your child from every tuesday and thursday afternoon… but to me and everybody else around the planet, this is something that’s particularly a little more important than that. But don’t take it from me… just listen to this.”
“In Hayzil, Soccer is seen as the country's religion.”
“Soccer, or Hoofball in the country of Somnambula, is seen as a religion amongst players and fans, no matter what age. The same could also be said for other countries in Zebrafica, such as Maretania.”
“Hoofball, or soccer as you ponies say in Equestria… it’s a religion here.”
After that short clip montage, the camera immediately went back to Discord. “And they’re not exaggerating about that. In fact, when one pony on a team in Neighland got a tattoo of Celestia on his chest before beginning the first game of the season, all the fans oversees were like… ‘Oh, that’s BIG for Celestia’.” He said, looking at the image of said pony before looking back at the crowd. “That is a very big deal for her right there.”
Of course… now was the time in order for him to change to a bit of a more serious tone. “However… despite all of these fun things… here is where I am conflicted though. The Equus Cup is one of my favorite things that I have gotten into most recently… The problem is, they’re run by these guys… FIHA, the organization behind the games,” He said, having the logo for the organization appear on the top left corner of the screen. “You either know them as the 'Fédération Internationale de Hoofball Association' ...... or that one soccer video game that you have lying around your house somewhere.”
At the last part, a picture of the game lying around in a cluttered bedroom was shown as the game itself was hidden under a pile of other video games. “But for Equestrian viewers who haven’t encountered them before… FIHA is comically gross to the point that telling somepony about for the first time is like showing a disturbing picture or video that you only show to others to get horrified reactions. Like if you show your naughty ship fic of Twilight and Celestia… to Twilight and Celestia,” That was followed by both Twilight and Celestia looking at a scroll with the expression that they’re about to throw up because of how sick they feel. “It’s something you should not do under any circumstances, but if you do, that’s what they’ll look like.”
The Spirit of Chaos soon focused his attention back towards his audience as he took a deep breath. “So, let’s start on where the games last took place. The country of Hayzil. Those who live in it, no matter what creature they are… are excited about everything and they hold big celebrations like these for almost any major holiday you can think of,” He said, while showing footage of a Hayzilian Parade with all the costumes and everything. “It’s like the party capital of the world… and also the place for Pinkie Pie’s next vacation destination… They are also some of the biggest soccer fans on the planet, so they surely must have been excited to host the Equus cup, right?”
“It’s been several months of unrest in the cities slums and markets, where protesters clashed with police in riot gear… It is in these areas that many ponies have demonstrated against Hayzil hosting the world cup.”
That had Discord blink a little bit, before looking confused. “That makes no sense… Why would you be upset and angry hosting the one thing you love the most in all of the world?”
“The Government of Hayzil has spent more than 11 billion bits to make preparations for the Equus Cup.”
“The Equestrian Team will be facing off in their second game here in the city of Maneaus, in this brand new 270 million bit stadium… The city is so remote that it’s almost impossible to reach by chariot or by carriage. So officials decided that the materials had to be shipped by boat, along the winding bends of the Amarezon river.”
“Okay, well that does sound like a huge waste of bits… For several main reasons. One, that stadium was only used to host four games out of the entire 2014 tournament. Two, there’s no local teams or soccer league that could use the stadium after the games were open. You could’ve used that land for almost anything else, like housing or a school and instead, you put a stadium there,” Discord said as he counted off the reasons why. “And since that tournament… that place is just being used as a parking lot for carriages. Which… makes sense. Because in this instance, they paved paradise… and then literally put up a parking lot.”
The crowd took a moment to laugh at that part, before the draconequus continued. “But that’s just only the beginning. Because wait until you hear what the countries in those games actually get in return for being the host country.” It was then that Discord put up a clip from CNN (Canterlot News Network) from four years back as two anchors were discussing the whole controversy with Hayzil.
“But aren’t they going to make money as well…?”
“Well no and this is where the controversy is. The country doesn’t make the money, FIHA is the one that’s making all of the money since they’re the organization that runs the events.”
After that notion, Discord looked back at his audience and began to speak more in depth about it. “And that’s just the beginning… FIHA and FIHA officials are exempt from any taxes whatsoever. No matter if it’s state level, municipality level, compensation taxes, income taxes and numerous other ones. Which, sounds like the plan that Dr. Cabelleron would set up to fund another expedition by reaping the profits from a Daring Do convention… or setting up a fundraiser that only benefits yourself.”
That was followed by what looked like an image of Blueblood starting a fundraising campaign titled “Fame and Fortune for yours truly” with a grin that looks like he does not give a buck. “Of course, FIHA insists to all of us that they leave a lot behind aside from a stadium in the middle of Hayzil that had no real purpose for the future… like for example, new laws,” The draconequus followed that up with another graphic of FIHA’s logo. “Because before the games began, Hayzil passed a law that made it forbidden to sell beer and cider at soccer stadiums, which seems rather simple and potentially lifesaving even… The only problem is, one of FIHA’s biggest sponsors for the Equus Cup is Buckweiser… and they have a product that they reflective insist on calling ‘beer’.”
The crowd took a moment to laugh at that to the point that Discord was doing air quotes around the part where he said beer. Just before he dove in a little deeper. “And FIHA at the time… were so insistent on protecting Buckweiser from a law that was made to protect fans and everyone else in Hayzil. Which is crazy enough when you hear it like that… but what makes this insane was that FIHA actually won. They successfully pressured Hayzil, the country that they allowed to host the Equus Cup, to pass a ‘Buckweiser Bill’ that allowed for the selling of alcohol in soccer stadiums. And at this point, you can be horrified that something like that actually happened… or be relieved that FIHA was not also sponsored by powdered sugar and broadswords.”
That had the whole crowd laughing as it showed a crowd member cheering on their team while having swords for hooves and looking like he snorted sugar like it was some kind of drug. But the draconequus was not entirely done with explaining about past decisions that FIHA had made. “Hayzil though is lucky that it only forced that on them… because when the games were in South Zebrafica, FIHA forced the creation of an actual court system called the ‘FIHA Equus cup courts’… which sounds humorous. It’s the equivalent of walking into Carousel Boutique and being brought in front of Judge Rarity because your outfit is seen as a fashion crime.”
That was followed up with an image of what looked like Discord looking like the defendant in Rarity’s court as Discord had his head turn exactly like hers and began to impersonate her. “Darling, that hat and your suit are downright atrocious! I sentence you to five hours of IMMEDIATE FASHION MAKEOVER!”
Which, got the whole room laughing for a moment… until Discord turned back to normal and began to act a lot more serious. “Except… These courts were actually real. Two Zebra’s that robbed foreign journalists one day were arrested immediately the day after and then began serving fifteen year jail sentences the next day… Which doesn’t even seem like proper justice given how rushed that was… It’s like when you order pizza and have it show up at your door like three minutes later.” At that point, Discord heard a doorbell ring as he looked at an image of a delivery mare carrying a pizza box. “Uh well thanks, but that was too quick… I don’t think you had time to make this properly.”
Of course, that was when the draconequus redirected his attention to the subject at hand… and hid a pizza box under his desk before continuing. “But there’s a bit of a paradox in these guys setting up any form of courts… given the amount of legal problems and scandals that have plagued their reputation over the years.”
“The governing body of Hoofball is trying to perform damage control by suspending several executives on corruption charges. This comes a few weeks after the Vice President, Buck Warner, resigned from his post after it came to light that he was at the center of several bribery accusations.”
“Bribery and FIHA are sort of like two sides of the same coin here…”
“There’s been so many accusations that FIHA has had to deal with that it’s honestly hard to keep track of them all.”
That last one had some of the crowd gasp a bit as Discord looked back at the crowd. “You know that things look bad for you when the lawyers for your own organization cannot keep track of the amount of lawsuits that keep piling up…” That was followed by an image of mares in a lawyers office neck deep in paperwork and lawsuits. “Yet, even with all of this batsh*t crazy legal mess… Their president at the time still insisted that they were a humble… nonprofit organization in this interview here.”
“We are a nonprofit organization… and we have to remain a nonprofit-”
“A nonprofit with over a billion bits in the bank?”
“Yeah, but this here is a reserve…”
That had the whole crowd shocked and also startled Discord personally. “A reserve? A reserve of a billion bits? Um… may I remind everypony that if have to check your charity’s funds in order to see if there are any swimming Filthy Rich’s because of how big it is, you don’t have the right to call yourself a nonprofit anymore.”
After a few moments of the crowd laughing, Discord redirected his attention to the stallion in question that was being interviewed. “That stallion you just saw though… is known as Corner Pitch. He was originally the former president for the organization before being pressured to resign two years ago following numerous different accusations that have pissed many ponies off across the board. This includes accusations around providing so called ‘promised votes’ for certain countries to receive the Equus cup, only to be completely unhelpful when this year's tournament is being hosted in Stalliongrad instead of Neighland; Accusations of taking bribes from foreign diplomats in order to be able to have more benefits from FIHA. It’s a little bit complex to explain in one sitting, but there’s one HUGE takeaway from this that we need to consider and that’s it’s future. Because a year before he resigned from his position, the Equus Cup for 2022 was already decided.”
“The winner… to organize… the 2022 Equus world cup is… Klugetown!”
That had Discord look back at his audience with an appalled face. “Klugetown…? In the middle of the Bone Dry Desert? I can think of one to fifty reasons why that is a completely bad idea. For one thing, it can get up to a hundred and twenty degrees in the middle of summer… and not to mention the fact that they don’t even have the necessary building materials or proper funding to build a stadium. You’re basically asking for them to play a game of soccer… in a place that cannot physically be played at all. Like if ponies organized to host a Buckball championship in a lake.”
The image of Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and several other Buckball players floating above water while everything else was submerged really got the crowd laughing here, just before Discord continued. “And even though Corner is gone, you may think that they may rethink on this… but in a press release, it still shows that FIHA really wants to go along with this and if possible, they will build the stadiums themselves. Which is a prominent sign for everyone there to start evacuating right now.” A new image was now seen, almost like it was a storm warning, but it instead read ‘A stadium is being built in your area. Evacuate immediately!’
“I really do hope that by now… I’ve shown you how much of a giant clusterf*ck FIHA is… and yet, here is their power…” Discord said, before looking back at the audience. “I am still excited for the Equus cup this year! Why, you may ask? Well, it all wraps back around to where we first started at the beginning of this show.”
“Hoofball, or soccer as you ponies say in Equestria… it’s a religion here.”
“But there’s more to it than just that. This here is an organized one that’s worshipped worldwide… and FIHA right now is their church. Think of it… it’s leaders, both old and new, act as if they are foolproof and perfect, they compel countries to spend money they obvious don’t have to build lavish and extravagant temples of worship, and it may be solely responsible for future casualties that happen within the Bone Dry Desert… But… But for millions of other individuals like me around the world who love this sport, it also is the protector and guardian of the only thing in our lives… that gives us any meaning.” That had a surprise amount of people laugh their flanks off, mostly because some of the ones in the crowd could relate to what they were talking about.
And on that note, Discord ended it with a final note. “And if that doesn’t give Equestrians a reason to love soccer… then pretty much nothing ever will.”
The following morning
When Twilight woke up, things… did not seem to feel out of the ordinary. Of course, by that, she meant that there were no ponies trying to rush her at the door, no instances of Tempest chasing after Grubber as well as no one trying to give her an early morning dramatic wake up call like Skystar did the previous week. Though… one thing that she did notice though really surprised her.
That being Spike playing soccer with several other kids like Applebloom and her friends from class. Something more… relaxing compared to last week, when the primary source of entertainment for the students to watch was what looked like a murderous game of tag between Tempest and Grubber.
“Hey, Twilight!” She heard her assistant Spike call out to her, but the main thing that stood out to her was that Spike was wearing what looked like a soccer jersey on. “How are you this morning?”
“Alright… Where did you get that jersey though?”
“Oh Discord gave it to me,” he replied back, which almost made Twilight twitch in response. “Turns out, he’s a big fan of soccer and likes watching a lot of the games.”
“How… did you two even get on the subject of that?” Twilight replied back.
“Well, he was looking for ideas on how to take a break from the ‘usual’ topics that he does on his late night show, so I asked him if he’s into things like sports. He told me that he liked soccer, I told him I liked soccer and things… kind of went from there.” Spike said, shortly before going outside to get the newspaper and the mail.
“Oh dear Celestia, what in the world is Discord trying to do now…?” Twilight facepalmed herself. “I swear, there’s always something new every week that either makes me so lost in translation or makes me so angry that I want to throw somepony into a mountain…”
Just as she said that though, what looked like a small TV stand appeared in her room out of thin air with a small box that had a sticky note that said ‘Play me’. Something that was definitely Discord’s handiwork… and left Twilight saying one thing. “So… let’s see what does he have to say this time…”
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You're portrayal of Discord as John Oliver never ceases to amaze me. And I'm still reading all Discord's lines in John Oliver's voice.
8869910
xD. I'm glad you enjoy it
8869910
I do the same thing.