Episode 13: Iron Will
After a long and excruciating explanation from Starlight at the start of the week on how Princess Twilight’s vacation went in the dumps, both Spike and Discord were curious as to what else was there regarding not just what happened, but also who was responsible. Turns out, there was a lot more to it than either of them have realized to the point that not only had this ‘Iron Will’ had once held a seminar in Ponyville, but he also had a series of practices as a ‘self help guru’ that raised a few red flags. Even in finding out more about not just him, but other ponies who would present individuals with free trips without even realizing they were being ripped off. While also making him think that he wouldn’t want to be taking a vacation anytime soon.
But with this topic, he actually didn’t want to jump into it right away like with some of the other previous episodes. Instead, he thought it would be proper to start off with something related to it before beginning the main piece. Not to mention take as much preparation as needed. Hell, he had even interviewed the Sparkle Family and invited them and all the ponies that were ripped off on that cruise to come see his show tonight because he felt like they needed to be included in the audience tonight.
So as everypony got into their seats and he welcomed everypony to his show, the draconequus felt ready to begin as the camera came on and he was live. “Hello everypony and welcome to Last Week Tonight! Now… before we begin with our main piece tonight, I would like to talk about holidays. The only time where you either get to have family fun, a break from the outside world… or in most cases for kids… feel like they’re being punished.” That was followed by showing an image of Big Mac and Applejack looking at a statue in a history museum while Applebloom and Babs Seed looked bored out of their mind.
“Now, I know that everypony here loves a chance to take a break from the outside world and to just relax, destress and see sights around Equus. I do too and honestly, I am holding off my vacation until we get this current season in the books…” Discord said as an image of a to do list that had an unmarked box for ‘Make epic Season 1 finale’. “However, a very troubling story from earlier in the week is personally wanting to make me hold off my travel plans a bit longer… and you’re about to see why.”
“Tonight, many passengers onboard this zeppelin cruise ship are outraged over what they thought was a trip of a lifetime with Princess Twilight Sparkle. Only to learn from her that the whole thing was a hoax.”
That… had Discord blink for a moment before looking back at the audience with a bit of surprise on his face. “I’m sorry but… did you say zeppelin cruise ship? Zeppelins and cruise ships on their own are two of the leading causes for motion sickness, so I’m really surprised that we didn’t see anypony who was angry at that time throw up over the port side balcony!” That showed a picture of what looked like several ponies getting queasy as they began throwing up over the railing. “But aside from that… a lot of you may honestly be thinking… ‘Well hang on, if Princess Twilight is as smart as she has shown herself to be, how did something like this get under her nose?’ Well, I’ll just let Starlight Glimmer, Princess Twilight’s own graduate student, explain.”
“Well, everyone else on the cruise, from what Twilight told me, seemed to be part of some sort of Princess Twilight Fan Club and she was forced to do numerous events and programs that separated her from her family and when she went to talk to the guy hosting everything, it turns out that she couldn’t get out of it because her parents signed a contract without reading the fine print.”
That had the draconequus hold up a talon for a moment as he looked back at his audience. “Wait a second… You signed something… without checking the fine print? That is just foolish! Anypony can hide anything within that small typeface! For example, a speech from King Sombra could be hidden within the fine print of a contract for leasing a carriage and all you would think of is ‘Uh hunh, uh hunh, I get it. Just where do I sign?’” That was followed with an image of said contract and a quill that was signing it as the spirit of chaos got back to where his next point was. “So after everything was said and done on that, Twilight was able to not only make things up to her family, but also the passengers on board that ship. Yet, that leaves us with a bigger problem here. The fact that many ponies like you, your friends, family, co-workers or associates can just as easily fall for stuff like this… except of course, Janice from Accounting. Because if you try presenting something like this to her in the first place, she’ll ignore you because she don’t give a buck!!”
The crowd not only laughed at that, but also cheered as Discord himself cleared his throat for a moment and prepared to pick up on where he left off. “So tonight, in order to make sure that more ponies are informed about scams and schemes like these, let’s take a moment to talk about them and also one of the biggest names out there. Because even though a lot of these things don’t normally happen in the light of day… there is one exception to that and that of course is this guy. Take a look.”
“The event coordinator for the cruise is said to be the one responsible for all of this is a Minotaur by the name of Iron Will. A former self help guru who did assertiveness seminars across Equestria. Many ponies have mixed feelings when it comes to his methods and message because some of the things he tries to promote are hit and miss.”
“Yes, this guy here… who’s name hides the fact that his will, and possibly his backbone, has iron deficiency,” Discord commented, which immediately got everyone’s attention as they liked the joke on him. “Is Iron Will. A minotaur whose very outspoken and just loves to try to motivate others, no matter what they think. We took the chance to look into some of the things he used to do and what we found was just mind blowing. For example, this guy not only spoke in third person from time to time, used rhymes and metaphors in order to motivate his clients and at one point, when he was in Ponyville, he put a full on pyrotechnics display that seemed almost as if he was trying to show off too much.” That even included footage of when Iron Will did his ‘seminar’ in Ponyville with the fireworks in the background. “This guy is basically what you get when you mix a masked wrestler with a tough guy attitude, Trixie when she speaks in third pony and Zecora when she speaks in rhyme!”
The image of a mathematical equation when all three things were added together soon popped up on screen as the crowd continued to laugh. “But as of recently, Iron Will has decided to step away from the seminar and self help business, probably because self help does not mean helping yourself to your client’s bits…” Another image of Iron Will looking like he’s pickpocketing coins out of a random pony soon showed up later, which added some more laughter to the crowd. “... And decided to try something different by focusing less on being assertive… and more inspirational. Because who doesn’t want to be inspired by an overconfident and proud minotaur who’s best tag line is ‘Iron Will is my name, training ponies is my game!’. An athletic coach would probably look at that and suggest that work a little harder at spreading his message.”
More ponies began to laugh when it showed Iron Will in a hoofball team outfit while somepony that was the head coach was trying to explain that he was trying to motivate a team of colts instead of stallions. “But despite all of this… like with most other scam artists, Iron Will is rather cunning and legalistic and it’s intertwined into his speech. Just watch as he tries to motivate some ponies towards setting some goals in this Califoalnia seminar.”
“Now… Iron Will wants all of you to close your eyes… and picture all the things that you want to do in life. All of your dreams, all of your goals, everything! Because when you push yourself to make sure you work hard… and when you feel like you should put off something that’s vital. Tell yourself that No means no!! No means no! And by doing this and working hard, you will get to where you want to go.”
That just lead to Discord looking mildly confused as he looked back at his audience. “So wait… You don’t have any proof that your sh*yay*t actually works, but you want ponies to ‘imagine’ the results. That is not a strong argument. Personally, I can imagine that eating alphabet soup can really increase my vocabulary, but there is no evidence to show that as being conclusive.” Personally, the draconequus got excited that he was able to demonstrate another new word and thought that the alphabet soup was helping him.
“And the thing is… we tried looking into other motivational speakers and the problem that we found is that since Iron Will first doing seminars… many of the other ponies who had previously tried doing them have been slowly going out of business. And the thing is… those guys are honestly better at their job than him, but Iron Will has figured out how to be able to get his message out numerous different ways and every time, he says that ‘when Iron Will is on it, you know it’s going to be good’. But Iron Will’s name has been on some things that are necessarily not good,” The draconequus replied before beginning to count off everything that’s on the list. “There are his books; which have gotten sub par reviews because they’re all in rhyme, his inspirational magazines; which have been either censored or banned in some cities due to parents complaining about questionable poses on the covers and inside the magazines, his dietary and exercise products; which when doctors ran tests on found that a certain number of items in those products are considered as illegal and also banned.”
That had a lot of ponies gasp in response at his track record shortly before Discord took a chance to catch his breath. “All of these things are products that he still promotes and ponies are buying them… that is of course, if your target audience is strictly limited to Zecora, Bulk Biceps and Braeburn,” That showed the last three ponies with the products that Iron Will is promoting… with the most questionable one being Braeburn with the magazine. “You know why Braeburn gets the magazine? He’s feels comfortable with seeing those poses than anypony else. Just… don’t tell Applejack that.”
That had everyone in the room laughing and in the audience, Twilight herself tried keeping her composure despite everything that was going on. “But here’s the thing… Despite the fact that his teachings have little success rate, Iron Will sells these hard like any other salespony would do, but does it in a way in which nopony can tell if what he says or provides is actually true or not, even though it isn’t.” The spirit of chaos himself soon sighed, before looking back at the camera and having a new image of Celestia seeing an asleep guard at a desk. “It’s like if Princess Celestia saw a guard asleep at his post and she finds a folder on his desk labeled ‘DEFINITELY NOT CLOP’. When she see’s that, she knows that you’re not fooling anypony.”
That had the crowd in an uproar. Even Princess Cadence and Shining Armor were amused at that as Discord took a chance to clear his throat. “So, at this point… I think we all have the same question at this point… why do someponies really listen to this guy? Well, the odd thing is, when he once tried to run for mayor, a few reporters asked some of his supporters for reasons why they like him and this is what they were told.”
“He’s tough on the issues. I think he means what he says.”
“If he runs our town like how he runs his business, I think we could be in good shape.”
That had several ponies gasp in response as Discord facepalmed himself. “Honestly… I’m surprised that they didn’t know about his failing business practices at the time this was going on. Like with almost everything that we mentioned so far, Iron Will may seem appealing… until you take a closer look. Like those fake bull horns and nose ring some of his supporters were wearing… or the lunch buffet on a fast moving zeppelin… or having your siblings babysitter be a diamond dog.” That showed an image of what looked like Rarity walking out of Carousel Boutique and left with a pack of diamond dogs to watch over Sweetie Belle. Followed shortly afterwards by showing the image of a cow “Because honestly… if this was the guy that you wanted to be mayor, do you really think that your town would be in good shape?”
Many ponies not only laughed to that, but also agreed with him on it too. “So since we’ve gone over the business side of it… let’s investigate the claim that this guy is tough… which, I’m not so sure about. Because yes, he can be quirky and strange, he’s got some incredibly thin skin whenever he feels like his back’s against the wall. Just watch how he insists that somepony pays for his services, even though they were dissatisfied with his teachings… and you are going to be surprised by who it was.”
“What do you mean you’re not satisfied!? Everypony has always been satisfied!”
“Well, I guess I’m the first then. But since I’m not satisfied, I refuse to pay. It’s as simple as that.”
“Ohh, are you... sure you're not just a little bit satisfied? B-because maybe... we could, cut a deal, I-I mean, we're both reasonable creatures, aren't we?”
“I’m sorry, but no means no.”
That had a lot of ponies wondering who exactly the other pony was… but for some of the audience, they already knew who it was… and to Twilight’s family, they were also surprised as Discord began to speak again. “Okay… You know that things are not going well when you lose the moral high ground in a negotiation with… and this is true… Fluttershy,” That had the whole crowd in a dramatic uproar as the draconequus looked back at the camera. “A pony who literally shows how timid she is around new ponies in just her name alone… and also my personal waifu… just don’t tell her that.”
That had some more people laugh as an image of Discord daydreaming about him and Fluttershy was shown for a moment… before he addressed something else. “Also… in that last statement of his on the previous clip… did he just refer to them as ‘reasonable creatures’? I may understand that he would try to talk about two separate species together as a group, but I know that if someone is referred to as a ‘creature’ instead of what they are, sh*yay*t’s going to hit the fan real quickly.” That part showed an image of numerous different species looking at Iron Will. All of them with the caption of ‘TRIGGERED’ underneath them.
“But that’s not the thing that caught me off guard the most… Because I believe that a few moments ago, we heard Iron Will say this… which took place a few weeks afterwards.”
“Tell yourself that No means no!! No means no!”
That had a lot of ponies laugh as Discord was flipping out. “Are you kidding me!? I had a feeling that you were going to take advice from somepony, but you shouldn’t take what you were told and reform it into something that would help you! If that statement was trademarked, Fluttershy would be suing for copyright infringement! …… If that was okay with you, of course.” The crowd was laughing even more when it showed Fluttershy looking rather cute, but holding a piece of paper that had the word ‘lawsuit’ at the top.
“So… Where do we stand at right now with this guy?” The draconequus asked as he began to list some things off the bat with his paw. “He gives advice that doesn’t help anypony, sells products that are bought by roughly three ponies out of all of Equestria, boldly lies about how effective his teachings are and goes as far as to hatch plans like on that motion sickness ship while escaping on a parachute with his face directly on the back of it… So how exactly are we going to be able to deal with this? Well… when I was doing research on him, I found out at the same seminar where he plagiarized what Fluttershy said… he also claimed this.”
“No matter who you are, anypony or anyone can attend or host a seminar!”
That soon had Discord scratching his chin as he looked back at the audience. “You know what… the only thing that he may be right about is that last statement… so how about we take a play straight out of Iron Will’s playbook? If you may please, come with me…” With that, Discord immediately got up out of his seat, buttoned his jacket and had the camera follow him to what was on the other side of his set. On the other side, Celestia, Luna, Cadence, and Twilight all sat in their own chair respectfully, on a stage. The crowd cheered with the four alicorns waving with a smile on their faces. Discord sat behind another desk, putting on glasses, and looking a bit chubby.
“Welcome to “That’s my Line!” and here the princesses of Equestria themselves. Please, give it up for Cae-Cae, Lulu, Caddy, and Bookmark!” Celestia rolled her eyes with a smile, Luna gave a stern look, Cadence gave a bit of a confused look, and Twilight looked appalled. “Oh please, there are worst nicknames I could’ve gave you all. Since this is new you you viewers, That’s my Line is more or less a skit-based comedy on the fly with our 4 lovely ladies having to come up with creative things as possible. And this right here is a classic called ‘Props’, where each is in a team of 2 and have to come up with as many things as possible. And this, we have Celestia and Twilight against Lovely and Moony.” He gave Twilight and Celestia some of the magazines made by Iron Will and the other two a foam pair of horns. “And we’ll start with… Team 2. Up and at ‘em girls.” Cadence put the horns on the side of her head.
“Who am I?” Cadence asked.
“A mistake.” Luna replied bluntly. The crowd laughed with a buzzer activated. Twilight and Celestia sat on their chests and opened the magazines with their hind legs in the air, acting like teenage girls.
“Oh my gosh, do you see how small it is?” Celestia asked, making the crowd laugh again.
“Sheesh, and I though Blueblood should hide it.” Twilight added. Another buzz. Luna took the horns, putting one on her chest and the other through her back.
“I didn’t really see it, all I know is that it went through me.” Luna said, turning to the side, making it look like she was impaled, making the crowd giggle. A buzz. Twilight and Celestia haunched over together, looking like they were using the bathroom.
“... Got an extra roll?” Twilight asked.
“Close.” Celestia replied, giving Twilight the magazines, making the crowd laugh hard.
“Hey! Reading material!” The crowd laughed harder, followed by a buzz. Cadence took the horns and put both over her left hoof.
“I’ll get you next time, Gadget!” Cadence spoke in her best superhero outfit.
“Not in a million year, Zoidberg!” Luna added, making the crowd laugh, followed by a buzz. Celestia and Twilight stood by the small pile of magazines.
“...This is the worst book burning pit ever.” Celestia spoke, making the crowd laugh.
“I thought this was a toilet.” Twilight replied, making the crowd laugh harder, followed by another buzz. Both Luna and Cadence took their horn, putting the tip in their ear.
“Hello? That you baby?” Cadence asked.
“No. It’s your sister in law.” Luna rolled her eyes, making the crowd laugh.
Twilight herself laid on her back, holding a magazine in one of her hooves and the other looking like it was going to do something. The crowd laughed, with Celestia stepping in, blocking sight on Twilight. “You can’t do that on television!” She spoke, making the crowd roar with laughter, which made Discord laugh hard, pressing the buzzer multiple times. Even he right now couldn’t stop laughing because of the amount of unique and hilarious ways they were able to use the props.
“Okay, who here agrees that this is a better use for any of Iron Will’s products and better than the seminars he does?” The crowd cheered in an uproar to that, leaving the Draconequus with one last question. “So who would like to see more?”
That had everypony cheering and chanting for the princesses to continue their act because of how hilarious it was. “You heard the crowd ladies! Give them an encore!!” The four princesses bowed to the crowd, tossing the stuff into the air, with Celestia burning them to a crisp. Discord pulled out some new props; two nose rings and two large blocks. “As a way to spice things up, Luna and Twilight are on a team while C & C are on the other.” He gave Luna and Twilight the rings while Cadence and Celestia the blocks. “And we’ll begin with the two dark ladies.” Twilight put the rings in front of her, whistling a game tune as Luna ran, making ding noises as she ‘collected’ a ring, making the crowd laugh. Discord rang the buzzer. Luna and Celestia stacked both blocks on top of each other.
“... Well, this is the shortest game of Jenga ever.” Celestia commented, making the crowd laugh. Cadence kicked the tower, making the crowd laugh harder, followed by a buzzer. Luna put the rings over her eyes and looked around while sitting.
“Hoo-Hoo… Hoo-hoo!”
“Owlicious.” Twilight placed her hooves on her hips, standing on her hind legs and gave a ‘oh you’ look, making the crowd laugh, followed by a buzzer. Celestia sat on the floor, holding one of the blocks with her hooves and babbled like a baby.
“Flurry Heart.” Cadence placed her hooves on her hips, standing on her hind legs and gave a ‘oh you’ look, mimicking Twilight and making the crowd laugh harder, followed by a buzzer. Twilight, still on her hind legs, took the rings and placed the on her chest.
“Did you get nipple rings?” Luna asked, making the crowd laugh and followed by the buzzer. Cadence stood on her hind legs and put the blocks on her chest.
“Did you get breast implants?” Celestia asked, making the crowd roar with laughter, and promptly making press the buzzer, though snickering to himself. Luna held the rings near her ears with her magic.
“And I told Shaun-Tell ‘if you messin’ with me, you gonna get-’” Luna spoke with the tone of a sassy mare, which made the crowd laugh and Discord pressing the buzzer. Celestia and Cadence both held the blocks in their hooves, looking like they had some sort of weapon.
“Looks like it’s just you and me,” Celestia spoke in a grizzly Southern voice. “We draw at high noon.”
“... But it’s Lunch Time.” Cadence replied, making the crowd laugh and Discord to press the button. Twilight and Luna stood alongside each other and ‘rang’ the rings together.
“Presenting, Lunch.” They spoke in unison, making the crowd laugh again with a buzzer. Celestia and Luna looked at their blocks.
“... This is just a log of sh*t.” Celestia said, making the crowd roar, along with Discord, who pressed the buzzer multiple times. All and all though, everypony could agree on one thing.
This was a much better seminar than any of the ones that Iron Will tried to do.
The Following Morning…
Birds chirped away at a house that, to the naked eye, would look very idyllic, perhaps even a great place to raise some kids… that is, if they could navigate their way in and out of the labyrinth that it laid in the middle of. And that is if they don’t mind the goats around, keeping the place to look like what it is. One of the goats picked up a newspaper (chewed on it, really) before knocking on the door.
“What!? What is it!?” The muffled voice of Iron Will spoke. “Iron Will’s having his breakfast!”
“... Baah.” The goat replied.
“A newspaper!? How’d it get here!?” The door opened, revealing the large and buff minotaur wearing a bright pink bath robe. He took the newspaper out of the goat’s mouth and read it to himself, then paused. “... DISCORD!!!”
Discord was right now taking a bath inside Fluttershy’s cottage, with her having a shocked look at what the princesses spoke of last night. That was, until some loud pounding rattled the door just as he was drying off.
“DISCORD!!! GET OUT HERE NOW!!! OR I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU HOWL!!!”
“Oh boy! Someone’s butthurt!” Discord chuckled, putting on a football helmet with shoulder pads. He teleported outside with the equipment. “Well, if it isn’t good ol’ Iron Will! Some ponies told me that yo’ mama was a cow.”
“LEAVE IRON WILL’S MOTHER OUT OF THIS!!! You have a lot of explaining to do! You better speak, or I’ll make you squeak!”
“I speak the truth, unlike you!!” Discord replied back. “You left a lot of ponies very angry when you decided to bail out using a parachute with your face on it. I’m just giving them a voice.”
“Iron Will promised everypony on board that they will meet Princess Twilight Sparkle and Cadence, but no satisfaction guaranteed! Everypony should’ve read it thoroughly. And none of the princesses are better than Iron Will’s seminars with your lackluster ‘That’s My line’ show!”
“Yeah, says the fact that Fluttershy would’ve sued you for copyright infringement for using something she said to you exclusively without getting permission first… Oh and would you care to repeat that last statement on the princesses’. They’re right behind you.”
“Iron Will knows your tricks! Iron Will know that as soon as Iron Will turns around, you’re going to knock Iron Will on the back of his head, take Iron Will somewhere else, and take Iron Will’s hard earned bits, licenses, and IDs.”
“Nope… I just think you need to say it their face… Good morning, Cae Cae,” Discord spoke up as Iron Will began to feel the hairs on his neck raise a little. “Good morning Twilight.”
“Good morning to you too, Discord.” Iron Will heard an all too familiar voice from behind him. “I see that you have an unexpected guest this morning.”
“Iron Will here claims that ‘none of the princesses are better than Iron Will’s Seminars’ and thought Last Night’s performance was lackluster.”
“Oh really now…” Iron Will now turned around… to actually see Princess Celestia and Princess Twilight right behind him. Both of them staring at him with a menacing glare. “Would you care to put that to the test?”
“... Iron Will knows this is fake news by Discord! Iron Will can see past your disguises! Princess Celestia is not that wide.” Just when he said that was when Iron Will felt himself being lifted off the ground as Celestia glared at him with eyes of fury.
“I’m not fat!! I’M PLUMP!!!” After getting to a certain point in height, the alicorn dropped the spell and had the minotaur crash down onto the ground. Shortly followed by her proceeding to continually beat him up and going as far as elbow dropping him. All while Twilight and Discord just watched in utter bewilderment.
“Wow… impressive…”
“Heh… That’s the princess alright.” Twilight replied back.
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Is it bad I would read an entire story where the ponies were basically doing that Whose Line is it Anyways skit throughout the entire story?
8500352
I second this notion.
.....I wish I could up vote this twice
8503072
And now I go back into my writing slump/depression... thanks...
9356439
At least that gets me back in the mood. Glad you like it
Poor Iron Will, one should NEVER bring up Celestia's weight.