Colgate's Rants 3

by StormLuna

Prince Rutheford

The Annoying Prince

As you all know I have had some rather interesting patients, truly evil ones, incredibly obnoxious ones, incredibly hot ones and ones that are flat out idiots. The next one however takes the cake when it comes to being obnoxious and idiocy. During a second trip to Ponyville, Prince Rutheford of Yakyakistan came to pay me a visit. Unfortunately, he brought his buddies with him so this was going to be a rocky appointment.

When he arrived I asked him what was wrong and he was pointing to his teeth telling me that one of them hurt. Given his nature I normally would have just taken him back but since he doesn't have any magic, I handed him new patient paperwork and he immediately went into a rage, "Yaks hate paperwork, yaks destroy!"

My very first thought was, "Oh fuck, isn't this just dandy." Well I subdued him and his buddies with my magic before they caused too much damage and took him back. I figured that since this would likely be his only visit, I would let him forego the paper work and just took him back. As I led him back I could see him looking around and chances were he was probably plotting on how he would tear this place up.

Well I got him seated and he immediately said, "This better be perfect. If things not perfect, yaks get mad."

I just rolled my eyes and began to examine him. I found the cause of his toothache, he had a very deep cavity in one of his teeth. When I told him about it he yelled, "Tooth not perfect! Yaks destroy!"

Well he got out of my chair and began to stomp on the floor and knock things over. Luckily I was able to use a stun spell on him before he caused much damage. While he was stunned I sedated him because I knew that trying to work on him otherwise would not work. Hell I gave him enough sedative that I thought he died on me for a minute. What kind of worried me though was that he did stir a bit while I was numbing his mouth.

I was able to get the tooth filled but it wouldn't be long until he came to. Like I do with all patients who have cavities filled, I told him to avoid cold foods. Being from Yakyakistan I knew that would likely be difficult for him and of course he went into a rage, "Appointment not perfect! Yaks destroy!" Of course he began stomping and jumping around and what he would do would really piss me off. He destroyed the chair he was sitting in and he destroyed a lot of my equipment. Now that is what I consider not just destruction of my property, but a crime against Equestria. One does not just go in and destroy a princess's property.

Next up came the part of every appointment I love most, collecting my payment. Well as it turns out he did have some money on him, but it was Yakyakistan bits, which have a very low value against the Equestrian bit. Their currency it is so weak that one Equestrian bit will get you 772 Yak bits. Obviously he didn't have anywhere near the amount of money needed to cover this. When I told him that he would have to come up with a proper payment he got mad! He yelled, "Yaks get free dental at home! You no give yaks free dental! Yaks destroy!"

All three of them began stomping and crashing into the walls of my practice. Unfortunately I was not able to stun them before they did considerable damage to my building. I decided that something had to be done so I pumped them as full of sedatives as I could without killing them and hauled them over to Twilight's castle. Given that they were her guests, I demanded compensation for her. She told me to head to her sleeping chambers so I could "punish" her but that wouldn't work this time. They caused a ton of damage to my practice so only monetary compensation would do.

Twilight refused and the yaks had no way to pay so I made other plans. I decided I would punish that entire hellhole they come from. So once they woke up I told Rutheford that since he is a foreign dignitary that I would allow him and his friends to leave without paying. While Twilight was shocked that I would so easily forgive the debt given what happened, she had no clue what was really running through my mind.

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"Collecting Their Debt"

Four days pass and my office remained closed. I was losing money and I was rather upset yet at the same time I couldn't help but smile. I planned on making an unannounced visit to Yakyakistan to collect what they owe me. Would I meet them and ask for it diplomatically? Not just no but hell no! Here is how it played out.

It was morning when I hopped on the train for the Crystal Empire on my quest. When I arrived there I had to put up with a few ponies but I didn't feel like wasting time and mingling. I wanted to fly out of there and reach Yakyakistan before it got dark so I took flight towards the north. As soon as I left the protective dome of the empire I was greeted by a blizzard, no big surprise there. It seemed to take a while but it was still light when I saw Yakyakistan in the distance.

I decided that since there was a blizzard going on, I would fly over the city to see if anypony....oh wait, I mean anyyak was out. When I flew over I squinted my eyes and I could see that the streets were deserted. While I had never been there before, it was quite easy to make out the buildings I was looking for. Their palace is far larger than the other buildings and there was a building made out of stone that resembled Canterlot Tower so I figured that must be their treasury.

First I headed to the tower and discovered that they must be very trusting of their citizens, the door was unlocked. Then again, given the intelligence of their leader, it might just be his idiocy that is causing it to be open for all. When I got in it was pitch dark so I lit up my horn and you'd think with as much money as they had in there, that they would have their palace built out of something other than wood. Off to my right I saw a golden yak with emerald eyes. This thing was probably about the size of a filly. I wasn't sure where they got it but I decided that this would make up for their debt. It was solid gold and holy shit was it heavy. Given the weight of it, it was probably worth a ton of money. Hell I could melt it down into gold bullion and be far richer than Twilight and Cadence combined. So I grabbed the golden yak and headed out.

Before I left though I decided that I needed to do one more thing. I flew high up, right above the palace and began to fire powerful bolts of lightning downwards. Hey, they destroyed my practice, I'll destroy their palace! The bolts were accompanied with the loudest thunder those yaks had likely ever heard. Once I figured I had done enough damage I heard Rutheford and his buddies come out and yell, "This not yak lightning! Yaks destroy!" Get this, they started stomping on the rubble of their palace. Good grief they're stupid!

As I sped southward something crossed my mind. How the hell am I going to get this filly sized statue onto the train? Ponies will know something is up. Despite that thing being heavy as hell and it being a horribly long trip back to Ponyville. I just flew straight through. When I got home I was exhausted and my back hurt like hell from carrying that thing but it was worth it. I feel as though I received proper compensation for what they owed me.

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The Funny Aftermath

Now for one funny thing, I simply used my magic to fix my practice! I only let things stay damaged for the time I would need to go and make those idiots pay. Regarding the yak statue, as much as I would like to display it on the mantle in my living room, I decided I better not. Lyra would see it and then probably go telling everypony about this cool gold yak I have. Instead I stored it in a safe in my closet. Yeah I can't admire it but hey, it's better than having the other princesses mad at me.

Now on to the funniest thing, a couple weeks later I read in the paper that an old relic that Equestria gave to the yaks long before Luna was banished was stolen at the same time a horrible lightning storm leveled the royal palace. I couldn't help but laugh, "Hmmm....I wonder! What could have possibly caused all that to happen?"

I don't know if what I heard was true or not but the yaks decided to blame the griffons and declared war on them. Well the yaks marched on Griffonstone to get their relic back and leveled it. Unfortunately they didn't get their relic, "I wonder why!" Everything that happened brought me a great amount of joy. I got a relic, leveled a non-paying bum's palace and caused a war between two species I don't particularly care for. I may not be the most well known or most popular princess, but it is obvious that I am the one that can really fuck up relations between other nations!

Comments

[Paradise Oasis]

Good job mary-sueing-er, getting you bill from those bull-headed yaks! They still won't return my library books!

-Paradise Oasis