NERF, or: Twilight Sparkle's Struggle To Understand Foam Violence

by Gideon020

Prologue: The Sheriff Comes To Shady Sands

Shady Sands, on the border between the Aerie Highlands and Saddle Arabia.

"Shady Sands is a place where you go if you want gold, iron, gems, or missing teeth."
-An old traveling warning.

As he lay on the ground wondering where his life went wrong, Markus Redfeather worked his tongue around and with a groan spat out a tooth as the young Griffin rolled on to his paws and looked around at the carnage taking place; Griffins, Minotaurs, Yaks, and surprisingly a few ponies were busy duking it out and Markus knew the exact reason for the brawl.

The pony brothers Iron Lung and Salt Spray had found a new gem seam and had gone to put in their claim at the claim office, which was where Markus had put in his own claim on a small deposit of gold he had found only an hour ago, then Toro Bighorn and his gang had jumped the claim, the brothers complained, and before Markus knew it someone had slugged him in the beak and laid him out.

"Gonna need dentures by the time I head home," the Griffin grumbled as he unsteadily pushed himself up and started making his way on wobbly legs towards his humble home in Shady Sands when he bumped into someone, "Oh, sorry about that." A moment later he cringed, expecting another fist to the beak when something strange happened.

A chuckle met his ears as a rough voice remarked, "Don't worry about it. Now then, time to get to work."

"Work?" Markus looked up to see who was speaking before blinking as he took in the round, somewhat flat face as a pair of dark eyes regarded him behind a pair of glasses and a shaggy mane while the rest of the bipedal body, like a softer version of a Minotaur, was covered in heavy clothing while the head was protected from the sun by a wide-brimmed hat.

"Yup. The King sent me to clean up the town. I'm your new Sheriff." With that answer, the Sheriff strode past Markus and stood in front of the brawl with his claws (?) braced on his hips, "ALL RIGHT YOU SHIT-RIDDEN PILES OF DONKEY BUTTER! BREAK IT UP!"

The sudden blast of profanity brought the fight to an immediate halt as everyone turned their attention to the strangely-dressed biped as he continued speaking, "That's better! Congratulations you sand-fuckers, by the order of His Imperial Majesty Arcturus Greywing The Seventeenth, the town of Shady Sands has been officially granted a Sheriff to restore the flow of tax revenue and reinstate some fucking law and order! I, am your Sheriff, and if you dog-humping flea farms do not cease, desist, or otherwise fuck off to go do something productive, I will use force to make you!"

Toro Bighorn, at the center of the brawl, shoved off his opponents as he stood up tall, "And who are you to make us? You look as soft as a pudding and probably will look twice as mushy when I'm done with you!"

The biped didn't answer and instead pulled from under his poncho a strange object; to Markus' eyes the object looked like a crossbow that had the arms chopped off and was painted a garish selection of red and white as the Sheriff aimed it at Toro, "This says you will be sleeping off the mother of all headaches in my jail if you do not end this fight right here and now."

"Try it!" Toro roared mockingly, slamming meaty fists upon his chest, "One shot, 'Sheriff' and then I'll break that toy before I break you!"

The Sheriff smiled, aimed square at Toro's chest, and pulled the trigger.

*SNAP!*

New Weapon Takes The Griffon Kingdoms By Storm!
-By Scoop Chaser

In recent months, the Griffin Imperial Kingdoms have long been known to our fair citizenry as a rough, often mean, sometimes cruel, and always violent collection of squabbling kings and queens under an Emperor who spends most of his diplomatic efforts preventing civil war but now the tide has turned and for the first time in centuries has actual peace, law and order reigned across the Aerie Highlands!

How did this come about? This intrepid reporter braved bandits, fierce weather as worse as the storms that come out of the Everfree forest, even time in a Griffin prison, deep under their mountain homes, to discover the shocking truth! A new weapon has arrived in the hands of the Griffin Emperor Arcturus Greywing, one capable of laying low anypony shot by it with incredibly speed and shocking accuracy, a weapon capable of puncturing magical shields and ignoring the effects of magical armour!

Could this weapon one day be used in acts of aggression against Equestria? Could it find it's way into even more disagreeable and violent places like Yakyakistan? And what could be the response of Princess Celestia as she goes to the annual International Summit between all kingdoms and empires in the world, now being hosted in the Aerie Highlands where this new weapon is sure to be shown off?

This reporter hopes that hopefully this will be the last we here of it.

Aerie Highlands, Imperial Capital of Aquila

Princess Celestia only had one response as she inspected the unconscious volunteer for the demonstration of this strange, but ultimately non-lethal weapon as she looked up to meet Emperor Arcturus Greywing The Seventeenth's eyes and calm smile.

"And you say that you can easily acquire more of these?" She asked as the other dignitaries watched with their own interested expressions.

Greywing's eyes twinkled with clear amusement, "Easily. And in very, very great numbers. The being whom I purchased these weapons from and showed me their secrets was very confident in his ability to supply them and has consistently made good on his promises."

Celestia's eyes narrowed, "And might you be willing to consider...a request from me?"

Greywing's smile widened, "For the Princess Of The Sun? Anything."

"I want it."

Author's Note:

May be a self-insert. May not. No real knowledge of canon required for reading, although knowledge of the NERF catalogue may be handy.

Comments

[PiMan]

This seems genuinely interesting, by the description alone.

[HoneyBadgerr]

Tracking. I wanna see where this goes.

[Gravechild]

Well Princess it NERF or nothing xD
derpicdn.net/img/view/2016/6/16/1179452__safe_solo_sweetie+belle_overwatch_grim+reaper_artist-colon-vanillaghosties_nerf+gun.jpeg

[Blue Whirl]

7308694
Does it have to be NERF?
vintage.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/137952174287.png

[PastyWaffles]

dat Fallout: New Vegas reference
The reference is Shady Sands.

[Catsofwar108]

This reporter hopes that hopefully this will be the last we here of it.

Might wanna double check that homophone.

Otherwise great! I'm excited to read the next chapters.

[Kage no Brony]

7323891

It's not just New Vegas. Shady Sands is a location in the original Fallout.

It's an established location through the whole series.

[Texas Style Brony]

The biped didn't answer and instead pulled from under his poncho a strange object; to Markus' eyes the object looked like a crossbow that had the arms chopped off and was painted a garish selection of red and white as the Sheriff aimed it at Toro,

Judging by the year this story was written and by the description of the blaster, I deduce that this may be a mega pistol, probably a cycloneshock or magnus. However, it may also be a rival apollo at the same time....