Fast Food
The more Twilight thought about it, the more she was thankful for Fluttershy’s quick thinking.
Sweet Apple Acres would be an ideal location to take Earl. It was open, peaceful and quiet, and not so many ponies around to gawk or be potentially run over. They had a guest bedroom on the ground floor, and with any luck Earl and Granny Smith would get along well.
That still left Twilight with the challenge of what to distract Earl with. If his constant complaining was anything to go by, he was cranky, tired, and probably needed a nap.
Come to think of it, he’s a lot like Spike when he doesn’t get his afternoon nap.
“Earl?”
“Yeah, kid?”
“How are you doing?”
“Just dandy. Why are you standing outside my stall?”
Twilight looked at herself in the public restroom mirror.
“Well, you needed help getting in here, so I thought I’d wait for you to finish up.”
“Were I a few years younger, I’d be bashful to admit needing the help. So long as I can wipe my own ass.”
Twilight began to sweat nervously, holding her breath.
“Which I can.”
She let it out, thankful.
Earl continued on. “These toilets are short. What’s with that?”
“Well, we are short.”
Both were quiet.
“That’s stupid. Makes sense, but still stupid.”
With a flush, Earl stepped out of the stall, and made his way over to the sink to wash his hands. He hadn’t yet put his suspenders over his shoulders, so his pants sagged.
“I suppose it could be worse. Back in Korea, we either went in a bucket or a hole in the ground.”
Twilight’s muzzle wrinkled from the thought.
After washing, Twilight hoofed over his cane, and Earl pulled his suspenders up and over his shoulders.
“Damn getting old. We turn into frogs, no ass to keep our pants up.”
“You could just not wear clothes.”
Earl hesitated, raising a brow at Twilight.
“I don’t think people would take kindly to a ninety year old mess of flab and low hanging body parts to look at.”
“Touche,” Twilight admitted.
“This some sort of nudist town?”
“Well, usually clothes are optional.”
Earl lifted his hat, dabbing the paper towel on his head. “Lord, were I forty years younger. I’d give anything just to have good eyesight again.”
“Well, you had glasses earlier.”
“Them were my reading glasses. Near sight, with bifocals so I can read.”
“Oh.”
“Broke my good ones just before I left the home.”
Twilight stood beside Earl, who using his cane-free hand grabbed onto her head, using her as added support.
“You got a lot of hair. This isn’t some weird hippy town, is it?”
“No, Earl, it’s a-”
“Good, because my son left home to join them hippies. Never saw him again.”
“Wait, what?” Twilight hesitated, although Earl caused her to continue.
“Bah, good riddance anyway. He was a little brat, worthless and lazy.”
Twilight’s wings flared out. “But he was your son! You can’t just ignore that.”
“Well I did.”
They stepped outside, Twilight leading Earl to his buggy. She was frowning, unhappy with Earl's attitude.
She couldn’t help but stare down the elderly man. “So what about his mother? Missus Caster?”
Earl sat into his buggy, putting his cane over top of the basket. He was silent, looking off into the distance, appearing more emotional than how he first talked about his son.
“It broke Darla’s heart. I tried to help, but she wanted her boy back. She passed on, never knowing what became of him.”
Earl looked down to Twilight. The mare’s ears were flat. No...
“And for that, I could care less about him.”
Twilight let out a squeak. She wanted to protest, argue, but the firmness of his words left her feeling like he was absolute with his decision, and a pit in her stomach.
“Now, enough of this hogwash. You’ve been taking me around town. What time is it?”
Twilight wiped her cheeks, calming herself down and closing her wings, then looked up to the clock tower.
“It’s one thirty.”
“Thirteen thirty? I missed lunch? No wonder I’m all rattled. I need to take my pills.”
“Well, we can go get some lunch? What would you like to eat?”
“I’d kill for a burger.”
Twilight fake laughed. “I hope that’s not literal.”
“Korea was a bad time, kid. The things we had to do to survive…” Earl’s eyes glazed over again. “Enough of that, war’s over. Come on, lets go to that burger place. My treat, for your help.”
----------
Nearing the Hay Burger, Twilight saw a flash of rainbow trail up above. She stopped to look. Earl, not as perceptive, bumped into her back legs.
“Ow!”
“Well, don’t go stoppin’ in front of me like that. What’s that you see?” Earl looked up, shading his eyes with his hat.
“My friend, Rainbow Dash.”
“In the sky?”
“Well yeah, she’s a top flyer.”
Suddenly, a blue blur skidded to a halt in front of them.
“I heard somepony talking about how awesome I am. Heya Twi. Hi old dude.”
“Did she just parachute in? Holy Gods I remember the first time I dropped into Korea. Nearly broke my legs.”
“Hi Rainbow. This is Earl Caster. I was just telling him how I saw you up above.”
Earl gave the pegasus a salute. “Earl’s fine. Nice landing. I remember my first, ate shit.”
Rainbow puffed her chest out. “Thanks! Yeah, dirt’s not that great tasting.”
“No I ate literal shit. Landed into some cow patties.”
Both Rainbow and Twilight’s ears went flat, while their faces looked disgusted.
Earl just gave the two a shit-eating grin.
Rainbow blanched. “So, now that I’m a little less hungry, what are you two doing?”
“Oompa Loompa here is taking me to get some lunch.”
Rainbow let out a snicker.
“I would appreciate it if you’d stop calling me that, Earl,” Twilight huffed.
“I would appreciate it if you’d pull that pole out of your ass and laughed a little.”
Twilight’s cheeks puffed up, while Rainbow Dash fell to the ground in a fit of laughter.
“Oh man, I like this guy! I don’t even know what he is but he’s awesome.” Rainbow continued to roll on the ground.
Earl pointed to Rainbow. “At least she’s enjoying herself. Now come on, I need to eat.” Earl began driving away.
Once he was a little distance away, Twilight smacked Rainbow with her wing.
Rainbow shouted, “Hey, cut it out! What gives?”
Quieter, Twilight whispered, “Don’t enable him, Rainbow!”
“Sorry sorry, yeesh.”
“It’s fine. I’m sorry for getting upset, today’s just been… difficult.”
“Why? He seems like an okay sort to me.”
There was a honk.
“Watch where you’re going! Damn kids, there’s a sidewalk for a reason!”
Both mares watched as Bon Bon tucked and rolled away from the buggy with questioning grace.
“Okay, yeah, he seems like a hoof full. Hey, can I join you guys for lunch?”
Twilight let out a sigh. “I’d love you to, Rainbow. Maybe with you along, I can keep him busy until I hear from Fluttershy.”
“Oh yeah, that’s right. I bumped into her earlier, saying something about talking to Applejack about letting a guest stay over. Must be Earl then?”
Twilight started trotting after Earl, with Rainbow taking to the air with a short hover, keeping up.
“Yes. Rainbow, I think he’s confused and has no idea where he really is.”
“Well yeah, I sorta figured that. He’s also blind as a bat.”
Rainbow got a cane smack on her head.
“Ow! Hey!”
“That’s rude, even if it is true,” Earl then bopped Twilight on the head.
“Hey!”
“And that’s for keeping me waiting. At least this place doesn’t seem to have stairs to go up.”
Using his cane, Earl stepped out. He then stood there, looking at Twilight.
“Well?”
“Urg. Earl, you have your cane.”
Earl hunched over, shaking like he couldn’t control it. “Yes, and she’s just standing there and not helping this old, tired, decrepit man before he falls to the ground and breaks his hip.”
Rainbow snickered, as Twilight stepped over for Earl to place his hand on her head. He immediately stopped the shaking and stood up straighter.
Rainbow barked a laugh. “You know, for an old dude you’re not so bad.”
“For a kamikaze sky diver you’re not so bad either.”
“What’s a kamikaze?”
“Never mind. Don’t need to be giving you any ideas.”
“Uh, okay.” Rainbow shot ahead, opening the doors for Earl and Twilight.
“Good, this place must be sensible. None of them automatic doors. Makes people lazy,” Earl said.
“You’re using me as a cane,” Twilight grumbled.
“So did my grandpappy with me. He wasn't lazy. He was old and decrepit. Like I am now.”
Earl and Twilight stepped in, with a grinning Rainbow Dash close behind.
“Okay, where would you like to sit?” Twilight asked.
“No booths. They come from the factory already broken down. Plus a pain in the ass to get out of.”
Twilight and Rainbow lead Earl to one of the unoccupied tables, allowing the man to sit.
Earl removed his hat, placing it at the empty spot beside where he was sitting and hooked his cane on the back of the empty seat. Looking around the table, he asked, “What, no menus?”
“This is a fast food joint, you gotta go up and order.” Rainbow sat with Earl.
“Bah, fast food. I remember the first McDonalds, you know. Wasn’t like it is today.”
“Uh, no, I don’t know,” Rainbow said.
Twilight cleared her throat. “I’ll go up and order for us. Rainbow, you want your usual?”
“You betcha. Nix the hayfries though, I got some more practice ahead of me and don’t wanna eat too much.”
Twilight smiled. “Okay, Earl what would you like?”
“Hrm… what’s this place’s specialty?”
“Hayburgers,” Twilight said.
Earl looked at the mare, blinking. He stuck a finger in his ear, scratching.
“I think you just said hayburger, and I don’t even want to guess. Must be some of that weird non-meat eater thing.”
“Meat? Wait, Earl are you a omnivore?”
“Of course! I’m a steak and potatoes kinda guy.”
Twilight blanched. “They… won’t have that kinda thing here.”
“What? You said this was a hamburger joint.”
“Hayburger. You know, with hay, not with… ham.”
“It’s not ham, you dolt. It’s ground up meat that’s-”
“Okay okay! Earl, that’s enough.” Rainbow tapped on the table with her hoof. “They do have fish sandwiches here. How’s that?”
“Hrm… sure, I guess. I want lettuce, tomato, mayo and pickle.”
Both mares blinked. “Pickle?” Rainbow asked.
“I like pickles.”
“With fish?” Twilight asked.
“Yes! With fish! With hamburgers and on the side with my coneys! Now chop chop! I gotta take my pills!” Earl reached into his pocket, producing a orange bottle with a white top.
Twilight and Rainbow shared a glance, and with a shrug from Rainbow, Twilight went up and placed their order. A few moments later, she returned and took a seat.
“The pony at the counter said she’d bring out our food once it was done.”
“Oh, that’s nice of her.” Rainbow turned back to Earl. “So, you really fought in a war, huh?”
Earl nodded. “You’re damn right. Got shot, too. Belly wound, they thought I wasn’t going to survive. Thank God for the eight oh sixty three.”
Rainbow was sitting up with excitement. “So what was it like? Fighting other… whatever you are. Did you kill?”
“Of course I killed. It wasn’t glorious or within my nature, but we had to do what we had to do. If you didn’t kill them, they killed you.”
“You know,” Twilight began, “it’s interesting you’ve had combat experience. Equestria hasn’t had a major war in over a thousand years, and we’ve only had a minor skirmish about six hundred years ago.”
“Bullshit. Everyone fights. Everyone wants to kill each other over land or money. That’s just how it is.”
Twilight raised a brow. “What do you mean?”
“Kid, we just got through with the rag heads in the middle east. You’re blowing smoke up my ass saying you ain’t fought in over a hundred years.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Earl. Mister Caster. For the last time, you’re not in Californeigh.”
“Of course I’m not! I’m in Kentucky! I need to get to California.”
Twilight slammed her head on the table.
At that moment, a pony came by to drop off their food, along with glasses of water.
“What is it with you all being so short? Did I wind up in the Wonka factory?”
The mare serving gave him a look. Rainbow just shrugged. “Don’t mind him. He’s just cranky.”
“And old. Don’t you forget it.”
Twilight recovered, and dived into her hayburger. Having a early breakfast had left its toll on her stomach, which was moments away from grumbling in empty protest.
Eating was relatively calm. Between bites Rainbow would ask questions about fighting, and the war, or as he said it was officially called a police action, that Earl was in.
“Police action my ass. Any conflict you're shooting each other and dropping mortar strikes is a bloody damn war,” Earl grumbled, taking a bite of his fish sandwich.
Twilight listened in rapt attention. At first she didn’t entirely believe he’d done such things, but with how casually he discussed it and what topics he’d bring up, or not want to talk about…
“That’s horrible, Earl.”
“Hm?” Earl looked to Twilight.
“I mean, the very idea that you had to go to another country, and kill others. It’s… just wrong.”
Earl set down his toothpick, both ends used.
“Yeah, kid, it is. It was, and it still is. But that’s life. Peace comes at the price of blood.”
Both mares were silent, one out of sorrow, the other in fascination.
“So! What’s the damage on this here grub?” Earl asked, leaning forward to grab his wallet out of his back pocket.
“Oh don’t worry, Earl, I have it taken care of.” Twilight waved a hoof.
“Now now, I said I’d pay. Even for you, squirt.”
“Wait, did you just call me squirt?” Rainbow asked.
“Really, Earl, it’s fine,” Twilight reassured.
“Hogwash.” He pulled out some paper bills. “How much was it?”
“Uh, old man, that’s paper.”
Earl looked over to Rainbow. “Yeah? And?”
“I don’t know what freaky kinda place you come from, but we use bits.”
Earl looked confused. “Yeah? I got a double sawbuck, that’s more than a few bits.”
Now Twilight and Rainbow looked confused.
“Earl, trust me, it’s fine. I have the meals covered.”
The man looked at Twilight hesitantly. “Fine, but I’ll tip.”
“You don’t tip at fast food joints,” Rainbow said, then was nudged by Twilight.
“Okay, Earl, that’s fair,” Twilight smiled.
Earl replaced the single bill he had out, and withdrew several others, about four of them, and placed them on the table under his empty water cup.
As he stood, stretching, Earl reached for his hat, placing it on his head while he grabbed his cane. “Boy howdy, I could go for a nap after that. Good fish, tasted like it was freshly caught.”
“It probably was. They’re good on that here.” Rainbow stood as well.
Twilight, using her magic, pushed in the three used chairs. “I’ll be a moment, why don’t you two head outside? I’ll be right out.”
“Sure, sure. Hey, squirt, come here. I could use ya a moment.”
Rainbow shifted in place. Twilight nodded at her. “Ug, fine.”
Twilight couldn’t help but smile as she watched Rainbow and Earl exit, the later using the mare for extra support. When a pony came by to clean up, Twilight explained the situation, and left some bits as a proper tip while taking the four bills left by Earl.
They were all identical, with the number 1. She noticed there were some smaller, stamped numbers that didn’t match, but otherwise the style of the paper currency was the same throughout all four bills.
She’d study them later, and maybe get some clues on Earl’s origins.
The repeated honking from outside, however, needed to be addressed now, so she waved bye to the ponies inside and headed out.
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You're spoiling us, mister writer!
A wild typo has appeared!
If I'm correct, it is 'register' or 'counter'. Methinks it depends on the region.
Loved this chapter, too - and I loved the interactions between them.
9461521
Got it, thanks! Glad you're enjoying it.
Top tier comedy, actually forgot this story existed! Here's hoping for more :D
Man needs his steak.