Oh damn, That must have been some good cider. Can I have a recipe?

"What a lovely day." Burning Axe thought to himself. "Rainbow Dash really outdid herself clearing the clouds today. I'm glad Nature picked this day for our picnic today."

Day, today, today, may...
Too many todays/days. Some more variety would be nice. For example. "What lovely weather."

Burning Axe continued down the path in the park to meet his very special somepony, Natures Fury for a picnic lunch. As a result, he was over the moon. Along the path, he then notice a large garden patch of brightly colorful flowers. He looked at them admiring how colorfully beautiful they were, until a thought came into his head.

First off, you're telling, not showing. It's much better to show things, however I suck with this. So, internet.

Secondly...
Tense change. Avoid it.

Burning Axe continued down the path in the park to meet his very special somepony, Natures Fury for a picnic lunch. As a result, he was over the moon. (awkward phrasing. Could be combined) Along the path, he then notice a large garden patch of brightly colorful flowers. He looked at them admiring how colorfully beautiful they were, until a thought came into his head.

As Burning Axe happily trotted over with the recently picked flowers being held under his right wing, he noticed that Natures Fury was sort of sad. Burning Axe knew that Natures Fury was not usually a sad mare, for it was rare sight to see, but he then thought that the beautiful flowers he got would cheer her up.

More showing, less telling. It takes practice.

for it was rare sight to see

Ehrm...what?
For it was a rare sight to see.

"Hello, Nature." Burning Axe greeted

"Hey, Burning." Responded Natures Fury.

See a problem? Not yet?

"So uh..." Stammered Burning Axe.

Natures Fury's tone quickly shifted to a sort of sad tone, even though she tried to not sound sad. "Oh...I've been okay...I guess."

Show more.

"What's wrong, Nature?" Burning Axe asked with concern.

"I don't know, Burning.” Natures Fury sighed sad.

"Well...I guess it wouldn't hurt to tell you." Natures Fury began.

"Really?" Asked Burning Axe.

"That is serious." Burning Axe commented.

"Well..." Natures Fury continued.

"Don't worry, Nature." Burning Axe reassured her.

"Really?" Asked Natures Fury.

"Really." Burning Axe reassured her.
"You will?" Asked Natures Fury.

"Of coarse." Promise Burning Axe. "

I don't know if you noticed, but adverbs are not your friend here.
Asked, asked, reassured, asked, asked, promised...

Burning Axe began to blush as Natures Fury snuggled into him, before they both engaged a passionate kiss on the lips. They then looked at eachother briefly before Burning Axe presents a bottle of soda with 2 straws. Natures Fury smiled sweetly before they each took a straw and began to share their drink, continuing their picnic.

Each other
Presented
For numbers smaller than 10, spell it out. two

Oh...great...I just realized, I'm to the horizontal rule.

After reading Burning Axe's advertisement, the service desk mare looked at Burning Axe through her pointed-edge glasses. After a couple of moments of looking, Burning Axe smiled awkwardly, hoping that she would except it in the advertisement column in Ponyville's local newspaper.

Accept

Burning Axe answered.

She confirmed.

Burning Axe said.

She said.

Cherry Fizzy asked him.

Said Star Shower.

Said Night Shade.

Burning Axe answered.

*yawns* I hope I hammered this point home. Yes, you need these, however, too much of them and it gets repetitive.

Burning Axe looked up, looking confused as to the words she said "help set you up", and the way she said it. All of a sudden, his vision briefly blurred out of focus, then he began to feel strange. Then his vision began to blur out of focus more and more, until he collapsed on his side on the sofa, then all goes black.

More showing less telling, and too repetitive.