• Member Since 19th Oct, 2015
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Raptormon132


Blind Commentator, Actor, Voice Actor, Analyst/Reviewer, and Writer

Comments ( 43 )

Oh damn, That must have been some good cider. Can I have a recipe?

Comment posted by raidenps123 deleted Jun 21st, 2016

I liked it really good story and I had a couple laughes when Burning Ass was "Takin it up da ass." (never thought i would have said that)

7323896
I take it that after you read part 2, you realized that his cider was spiked with a sleeping potion, right? Also the cider in this story is made from pink lady apples.

Glad you enjoyed the story. :twilightsmile: I hope BronyBurningAxe, the brony MLP blind reactor I wrote this for enjoys this too. And like I said in the description, this is my very first clop-fic. You would believe how many other clop-fics I read, and MLP porn art I looked up for inspiration. So I hope it paid off.

BTW How come you deleted one of your comments?

7325166
Glad to hear it. :twilightsmile: I guess my first attempt at writing a clop-fic is a success so far.

I read through the story, and I liked it. Found a couple of things you could improve on, however, I won't say them unless you want me to.

:twilightblush:/:twilightsmile:

7331394
Sure. I don't mind. Please do tell me. My mind is always open to suggestions.

"What a lovely day." Burning Axe thought to himself. "Rainbow Dash really outdid herself clearing the clouds today. I'm glad Nature picked this day for our picnic today."

Day, today, today, may...
Too many todays/days. Some more variety would be nice. For example. "What lovely weather."

Burning Axe continued down the path in the park to meet his very special somepony, Natures Fury for a picnic lunch. As a result, he was over the moon. Along the path, he then notice a large garden patch of brightly colorful flowers. He looked at them admiring how colorfully beautiful they were, until a thought came into his head.

First off, you're telling, not showing. It's much better to show things, however I suck with this. So, internet.

Secondly...
Tense change. Avoid it.

Burning Axe continued down the path in the park to meet his very special somepony, Natures Fury for a picnic lunch. As a result, he was over the moon. (awkward phrasing. Could be combined) Along the path, he then notice a large garden patch of brightly colorful flowers. He looked at them admiring how colorfully beautiful they were, until a thought came into his head.

As Burning Axe happily trotted over with the recently picked flowers being held under his right wing, he noticed that Natures Fury was sort of sad. Burning Axe knew that Natures Fury was not usually a sad mare, for it was rare sight to see, but he then thought that the beautiful flowers he got would cheer her up.

More showing, less telling. It takes practice.

for it was rare sight to see

Ehrm...what?
For it was a rare sight to see.

"Hello, Nature." Burning Axe greeted

"Hey, Burning." Responded Natures Fury.

See a problem? Not yet?

"So uh..." Stammered Burning Axe.

Natures Fury's tone quickly shifted to a sort of sad tone, even though she tried to not sound sad. "Oh...I've been okay...I guess."

Show more.

"What's wrong, Nature?" Burning Axe asked with concern.

"I don't know, Burning.” Natures Fury sighed sad.

"Well...I guess it wouldn't hurt to tell you." Natures Fury began.

"Really?" Asked Burning Axe.

"That is serious." Burning Axe commented.

"Well..." Natures Fury continued.

"Don't worry, Nature." Burning Axe reassured her.

"Really?" Asked Natures Fury.

"Really." Burning Axe reassured her.
"You will?" Asked Natures Fury.

"Of coarse." Promise Burning Axe. "

I don't know if you noticed, but adverbs are not your friend here.
Asked, asked, reassured, asked, asked, promised...

Burning Axe began to blush as Natures Fury snuggled into him, before they both engaged a passionate kiss on the lips. They then looked at eachother briefly before Burning Axe presents a bottle of soda with 2 straws. Natures Fury smiled sweetly before they each took a straw and began to share their drink, continuing their picnic.

Each other
Presented
For numbers smaller than 10, spell it out. two

Oh...great...I just realized, I'm to the horizontal rule.

After reading Burning Axe's advertisement, the service desk mare looked at Burning Axe through her pointed-edge glasses. After a couple of moments of looking, Burning Axe smiled awkwardly, hoping that she would except it in the advertisement column in Ponyville's local newspaper.

Accept

Burning Axe answered.

She confirmed.

Burning Axe said.

She said.

Cherry Fizzy asked him.

Said Star Shower.

Said Night Shade.

Burning Axe answered.

*yawns* I hope I hammered this point home. Yes, you need these, however, too much of them and it gets repetitive.

Burning Axe looked up, looking confused as to the words she said "help set you up", and the way she said it. All of a sudden, his vision briefly blurred out of focus, then he began to feel strange. Then his vision began to blur out of focus more and more, until he collapsed on his side on the sofa, then all goes black.

More showing less telling, and too repetitive.

"You're our entertainment, of course." Answered Star Shower. "That is the reason we hired you."

"But I thought you wanted me to play music at your party?" Questioned Burning Axe with a mix of fear and confusion.

What the? You were doing so well!

Lower case.
Answered --> answered
Questioned --> questioned

This is typically why I put the name first. Clears up these capitalization rules.

I got tired of pointing out the same errors over and over again, but at least it's consistent.

Does it belong on my favorites list? Eenope. Does it stay there? Eeyup.

The sex scene you wrote in this last chapter was actually better in terms of how it was done, then Chapter two. So you did improve as you wrote it...

Not really much to say...

*hides*

Now to finish my work and not be a lazy ass person. Undertale fic coming up!

Comment posted by Raptormon132 deleted Jun 24th, 2016

7332020
So you found a few spelling mistakes that escaped my radar. Thanks for telling me. I just fixed them.

For the showing/telling parts you mentioned, in chapter one, I'll just reedited them. I just hope they are better when I'm finished.

As for the adverbs, you're saying I should make them all like ""I did it!" John said." instead of ""I did it!" Said John."? If so, then that's easily fixed.
Or are you telling me to get rid of them? If so, I'm confused, because I feel that if I remove them, people will not understand who is talking, or it won't make sense or whatnot.

I've done some changes on chapter one, so do tell me if I've done is better or worse. If it's better, then I'll keep rewriting it that way. But if it's worse then before, then I don't know what to do. :raritydespair:

7332056
I just reedited the adverbs. and after looking at a couple of novels, I think I understand what you meant about the said/asked parts. So you can check it out again to see if it's better or not.

And I hope the "Eenope" answer to your question "Does it belong on my favorites list?" changes to a "Eeyup" with these new changes I've done to it. After all, there is nothing that's more important to me than making sure that it worthy of being liked by those that read it and that it's up to their standards.

Enjoy!

7335032

"AAAAAAAAUGHRAAAAAAH!"

Trixie blinked. "Ah... what?"

Chrysalis winced. "I... may have brainwashed her in the baseline." She bit her lip. "Um... sorry, Lyra. I swear I don't do that anymore."

"RIGHT!" Lyra took a deep breath and relaxed her grip. "Er. Right. Trixie?"

"Yes?"

"Is she the one you suggested help me with my issues?"

Trixie nodded. "Hive mind and all that." She tilted her head. "Would you like to come down from the tree?"

"Nah, I'm good." Lyra waved a hoof casually. "Being where a pony can't reach me is convincing my instincts I'm safe."

Chrysalis buzzed her wings. "...You know, to help I kind of need to connect to your mind."

"Yeah, sorry, my phobia won't let me. No offence to looping you but nonlooping you is a bi--"

"She is my marefriend," Trixie growled.

"...no, I'm still saying it. Nonlooping Chrysalis is a big fat meanie."

Here's an example of how to vary dialogue. There's three people in the conversation, and yet you can still tell who is speaking.

From MLP Loops 96

7336731
Okay. I'll see what I can do and give that a try.

7336731
Right. I just did the changes you suggested. Hopefully it should be better this time. :raritywink:
Enjoy!

7339782
Awesome! :pinkiehappy: Then it looks like it 100% complete. Thanks for all your help. :twilightsmile:

I hope BronyBurningAxe like it too.

7340758 Also, hoped you enjoyed the bookshelf upgrade!

this was a good story, loved the guy being use as a cock warmer for mares, I wish their was more to it.

7396541
Thanks, mate. :twilightsmile: I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I hope BronyBurningAxe (the brony whose OC in the story belonges to) likes it too when he does a blind reading of it. I can't wait to see his reaction when he reads the sex parts. :rainbowlaugh: It'll be priceless.

I could've added more, especially in chapter 2, but I thought that it would've been too long, so after a few sexual episodes at the changelings party, I did a brief detailed description of what went on at the end of the second chapter. Plus I wanted my first clop-fic to have more than just sex, I wanted it to have story, and a few laughable moments too. :raritywink:
Maybe I might make a squeal...someday.

7396642 true a good Clop fic is always best when accompanied with a good story. I hope to see more of those kind of stories form you.

7396668
Well...we'll see. Though I think if I do write another clop-fic, I think it'll be one involving my OC, Raid Raptor, and his lover/girlfriend, Clawdia.

Burning Axe turned his head and looked in the direction Changeling Night Shade was pointing. There, he saw the special bandage rack being brought out and assembled by other changelings.

you spelled bondage wrong

7505382
Oops! :twilightblush: I didn't notice that. Sorry. I'll fix it straight away.

Oooh God love pegging.. Thank you! Was very good!

I really want to know if he read this or not so imma send him it over skype he likes these type of stories

7952072
So you know BronyBurningAxe personally?
If so, that's awesome. And to answer your question: No, he hasn't read it. :fluttershysad:

7952102 I don't know him that much only had a few conversations with him i once got a shoutout from him in his season 4 reactions but when he remade them it was not included (I go by either PonyRock Joe or TheMetisGamer) but yeah recently stopped replying to skype. Sent him the link anyway

Burning axe told me he has this Fanfic on his list of blind reads along with 30 other ones so yeah have fun

7990435
BTW How do you like the new title image I put together?

"Oh, my God."

"Actually, oh my Celestria, not God" said Exno the Lord of insanity, with a hint of cockiness in his voice.

"Shut the Hell up, demon." Said Alinic with a hint of anger.

Author's Note:
Warning
The following story is a Clop-Fic containing a brony's OC engaging in a sexual orgy with numerous male and female MLP characters. If you are 18 years or over, do enjoy the story. The rest of you who are under 18, and press the confirm age button anyway can "Bugger off"! Otherwise if you continue to read this clop-fic, and if you end up getting caught by your parents, teachers, or whatever adult is looking after you, and end up in trouble for it, I will hold no responsibility for the consequences that might await you.

You don't need to put this in a clop section. Nor do you have to tag clop chapters as 'clop'. This irritates me usually. If a story is rated Mature and Sex, I assume there will be sex in it. You don't need to tag the parts that have it. Let the reader follow the story and let them find it themselves naturally. The only deviation of this is I tend to think story sections with weird fetishes should be tagged accordingly.

Burning Axe opened his eyes feeling all dazed and mildly disorientated. When his focus came, he found himself on some kind of table in the middle of the room. He tried to get up, but found that he could not move. His forelegs were tied behind his back, with his rear legs standing over the edge, being restrained by spreader bar, and his plot raised in the air. He was tied-up in a sexual like position, with a ball gag in his mouth like someone in a BDSM role. He also had a rope wrapped around his body that kept his wings restrained as well. Burning Axe made a muffled noise, and tried to struggle himself out of the bondage he was in, only to find the ropes were too strong, and was too well tied.

This is the first paragraph of the chapter. I feel like this was way too sudden of a buildup. You set the stage for a sex scene to be played out, but you didn't explain how it happened. I think it would be much more entertaining to hear about how they drug his unconscious body to their little sex dungeon, and then applied the restraints while he was passed out.

Changeling Night Shade

Yes, thank you, I am aware she is changeling. You can simply call her by name now.

"Well, that depends on whether or not you're willing to let us have our fun with you." Changeling Night Shade said. "Besides, we did hire you for this, and you will be paid for your service. So technically, it's not rape. And after all, your reputation precedes you."

I don't think rape works that way.

Burning Axe began to lick the vagina of the female changeling that changed into Cup Cake, making her moan from the pleasure.

You do this a lot. You have a character perform a sex act, and the other participant immediately starts moaning or reacting somehow. It's not very realistic. You did it with the rimming part too. Perhaps if the mare was in heat they might show an immediate reaction. But these are changelings. It should be more like normal sex, in that it takes a little time to warm them up. Time you can use to be descriptive.

The male changeling as Carrot Cake slowly pushed the rest his cock all the way in past his medial ring, with Burning Axe grunting with discomfit, and his eyes shutting hard.

You do this a lot too. You rush things in general. There's no way he's going to just stick his dick in there halfway without severe pain. I think you confuse lube as something magical that widens holes. There is a bit of stretching that must be done to fit a larger object, even with someone that does anal sex regularly. If you want anal sex scenes where they can just slam it in, look up 'poppers'. It's a muscle relaxing drug that gay men use sometimes.

Overall this feels very rushed, like you tried to cram a bunch of canon characters and various sexual positions into one chapter. There are a number of spelling and grammar issues, but I'm just here to give you tips on the sex.

8105389
I've tried to keep some of your advice in mind. I'm trying to use it in a another clop-fic I'm writing right now. You 're more than welcome to check it out if you'd like. It's called "Buffalo Wings Tonight". If it's successful, I might try and see if I can reedit this whole story to what you suggested here.

Login or register to comment