Chapter 1: And Then Rainbow Dash was a Colt
"And Then Rainbow Dash Was a Colt," and Ten Other Really Awkward Stories
As requested by Cereal Velocity. (Sorry for the delay. [and for mistaking you for Sethisto];)
By: Piquo Pican Pistachio Pie... and alt-tap
Clop clop clop clop
Buck
Thud thud thud
Clop clop clop clop
Buck
Thud thud thud
Applejack may not have been the most musically inclined pony, but there was a certain kind of rhythm to bucking the apples. It was her favorite part of her life. Simple, rhythmic bucking.
Clop clop clop clop
Buck
Thud thud thud
Clop clop clop clop
Buck “AAAPPPLLLEEEEJJJAAAAAAHHHHH”
Thud thud WHUD-D-D-D-D
Applejack was accustomed to Rainbow Dash's sudden arrivals, but this one put the turkey in the hen house. Crashing into AJ was like crashing into a mountain, and Rainbow Dash knew exactly what crashing into a mountain felt like. But few mountains were capable of giving advice to help a friend in need, and that was what Dash needed right now.
“Rainbow, ya' better have a darn good reason ta be crashin' inta me like that while I still have apple trees to buck!”
Rainbow was vibrating with panic, like only the best pegasi could. She was trying to explain why she crashed into AJ before she got bucked by the angry farmer. “Applejack I need your help! I can’t go to Twilight cause she'll tell the Princess and I can’t tell Rarity cause she'll try to dress me up again and I can’t go to Fluttershy cause she'll run away and I can’t go to Pinkie cause she is Pinkie and I really really really need help and you’re my best friend!!!” Dash ran out of breath, collapsing on top of Applejack. An impressive feet for a crashed pegasus.
While the farmer tried to untangle herself from her best friends six awkward limbs she found the wherewithal to question Dash’s perspective of their mutual friends. “Dash! First off you know your friends arn’t like that, well, other than Pinkie.”
“Yeah.” Said the tangled Rainbow deeply. “But still feel more comfortable around you cause this is just awful.”
The farmer looked up at her cyrulian friend now that the tangle of limbs was largely delt with. “ What in the hay is go'n on he... eee... rrr, uuumm? Dash, what's wrong with your face? What’s wrong with your voice?" yelped Applejack as panic and realization set in. "Wh, why are you a colt... WHY ARE YOU A COLT!?"
Applejack froze. What's poking me?
"You’re lying on top of me. A colt is on top of me. Get the buck off of me!” Applejack bucked like she had never bucked before. A cliché term but an apt description of Rainbow’s intimate introduction to a nearby tree.
“Kh-hah, at least that landing was softer.”
Applejack continued to shriek and thrash on the ground in a ten point colt cooties panic.
“AJ stop, you bucked me off already. AJ I said...” Dash brushed the off the stick that had been poking her in the stomach. It took her a second to think staight, something normal after meeting a tree head first, but a few seconds later she finished processing what her blond friend had said before being plowed into a tree. I'm a colt? How can she tell? What's the difference anyway? I never really thought about that... Wait a second, I remember my dad saying something about a mare’s place being in a kitchen before he left us. Does that mean I never have to try to cook again? I hope so, I hate cooking. What was I asking again?
An apple landed on Rainbow's head.
Oh right, AJ. Nope, still thrashing. Right, I don’t have to cook anymore. Well that’s a plus. I wonder what else this means. “Hey AJ, you ok?”
While panting Applejack looked down at Dash from the top of a nearby tree, slightly shaken. “Um... No. What in tarnation happened to ya'?”
“I don't know, I just woke up with a square face.”
Applejack waited for dash to complete the story, but he never did. “And?”
“And, I flew over here for help...”
“That's it?”
“Umm, yes!” Rainbow smiled, confident in his answer.
“Dash ya don't just fall asleep and wake up a colt.”
“Ohh right, how can you tell I'm a colt? Is it the square face?”
Applejack could only stare down at male Dash. Finally something clicked in Applejack’s head. She extended a hoof to point accusingly at Rainbow and gracelessly fell out of the tree, breaking several branches and murdering an apple along the way.
Dash walked over to Applejack who sat on a pile of murdered apple, and tree. “You done yet, AJ?”
“Gimme a second.” Said the farmer amidst several frustrated grunts. “Ok, I'm done. And, uh, can ya' help me outta this here mess?”
“Sure?” Rainbow lent a helping hoof. “Now, how can you tell I'm a colt?”
Colt? Dash is a colt, a colt is helping me up!!!! Stay calm, calm, It was only ever that one stallion that ever caused you problems, I don’t need ta’ generalize. Besides Bucky and Kicks will buck and kick the applesauce outta the mean ol’ colt if I need ‘m to.
As soon as Applejack was free, she violently let go of Dash and backed away. “Okay, Dash, you want to know how I know you’re a colt right?”
“Uh… Yeah!” Rainbow took a step toward Applejack.
“Ya’ know what the differences ‘tween a stallion and a mare are right?” Applejack backed up.
“… One has a deeper voice and doesn’t cook!”Dash stepped forward.
“Ehh, no. That's not it at all.” Said Applejack, stepping back. “Well deeper voice yes but…”
“So it is the square face then.” Rainbow stepped up.
“No Dash! Well yes, but tha…” Applejack stepped forward to meet her rival before retreating in fear of the oddly familiar colt.
“AJ, do you even know what a colt is?” Dash followed the farmer under the CMC clubhouse.
“Course I do.” Applejack backed around a tree.
“Then tell me!” Rainbow followed, exasperated.
“If you stop interrupt’n me for one gosh darh…” Applejack circled the tree backwards.
“Ok I’ll stop.” Dash interrupted, continuing to follow AJ.
“No I mean STOP!” Applejack backed into the river.
Rainbow stopped at the water’s edge. “AJ, you know you’re in a river right?”
Applejack started to float down stream. “I may have noticed.”
Dash leapt into the air spreading his legs and wings as the wind relieved him of a bit of stress.
Applejack stared at the muscular colt flying overhead, unable to look away. She, her… That stallion jus’ don’t know what she’s doing, he… “Gahhh!”
Rainbow looked back in time to see Applejack turn red in the apparently cold water. Oh no is she hyperthermic? I must save her! “APPLEJACK!” Rainbow yelled as he dashed down to help her. “Don’t worry, I won’t let you drown!”
“I ain’t drownin’, ya carrot headed colt.” Applejack continued to float.
Dash stopped, hovering inches from Applejack’s face. “But you’r turning red from the cold water! Doesn’t that mean you’re hyperthermic?”
“Stop just, stop Dash le’me splain… And get your that outta my face!” Applejack pony paddled to shore.
AJ’s hat, where is it? Maybe if I rescue it she’ll be happy with me again.
Applejack got out of the pleasantly cool river, and turned to look at Dash. Rainbow, however, was nowhere to be found, until Applejack looked behind her. There, in all of her, his glory, was Dash, holding Applejack’s hat with his mouth expectantly.
“Umm, oo-kay.” I can do this, just reach in slowly, open my mouth, grab the hat carefully, and pull slowly away from the nice colt.
Rainbow Dash had never seen Applejack so startled, or move so fast. Applejack had tugged so hard that part of the hat had ripped and was now hanging from Rainbow’s mouth. Dash quickly spat it out.
“Now will you tell me what the difference is between circles and squares is?” asked Rainbow impatiently.
“Stallions and mares, but sure, look between your legs.”
“Whoo, what is that? Why is it growing.”
“Okay, too much information there Dash.”
“Too much information about what?” Dash asked innocently.
“Anyway, that there is the main difference between a stallion and a mare.”
“Wait, but, what do mares have?” Rainbow looked up from his investigation.
What do mares have? “Rainbow, how do you not know these things?”
“Wait, you’re a mare, let me see your… whatever for a second.”
“Ohhh no you don’t. Them is what we like to call private parts.”
“Come on AJ, just let me see it.” Dash began circling Applejack, trying to get a look. “It’s not like you don’t strut around town without your rear end out for all to see any way.”
AJ circled Rainbow. “Dash, you’re an idiot, so I’ll let that comment about my rear end slide. No you can’t see it.”
“Fine, don’t show me! Chasing you is kinda fun anyway.” Dash said with an unsettling grin.
Applejack sat down assertively. “That’s even worse!” She took a breath to calm herself. “Ok, you know all foals have a mom and a dad?”
“Ya.”
“Well, all moms are mares and all dads are stallions, and they have the… parts. And when a mare and a stallion love each other, they can get married and have a foal.”
“Oh, is that where foals come from? What does that have to do with this extra leg?” asked Rainbow obliviously as he circled the blushing AJ.
“Dash you are irrefutably a’ idiot, it’s that extra leg that makes you a stallion.” Applejack replied, eying the predacious Rainbow Dash.
“Really?” replied Dash as he looked between her legs again. “Wait, if that’s like that then where do I pee from?” asked Rainbow looking up curiously.
“Ya’all pee from that there leg. I don’t know the specifics, and I don’t wanna know. So if you figure that out then keep it to yourself, k.”
“Uh, deal.” Replied Dash looking up with a blush.
“Dash, are you actually embarrassed?” AJ accused.
“NOOO WAY!” Dash said defensively.
“Dash, as the element of Honesty, I'm calling bull.”
“Well what are you going to do about it, grab me by the horns Miss Rodeo?”
“Hey personally I think you could do with a little humility. Seriously though you can’t go around like that.” Applejack said, putting a hoof up.
“Yeah I know. Bad PR could really affect my chances of getting into The Wonderbolts.” Rainbow stated seriously. “Besides, waking up a different gender has already affected my flying skills.” Applejack cocked her head. Dash explained, “Colts have really heavy faces, and they’re not aerodynamic at all.”
“That’s when you figured it out isn’t it.” The farmer smiled.
Rainbow blushed. “…maybe.”
“How about I just go get Twilight and you can hide in my barn. Don't worry, I'll Pinkie Swear her to secrecy,” said Applejack taking pity on Dash.
“Thanks, AJ you’re the best,” said Rainbow putting a hoof on Applejack’s shoulder.
“Uhhh… you’re welcome. But don’t touch me,” said Applejack pushing Rainbow Dash away.
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Author's notes.
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What are the 10 other stories?
Edit: Is this going to be a series of different stories or will there be 10 different stories contained in this one?
Well, this can only end awkwardly.
Kielbasa - Tenacious D
This...is getting favourited...
I too, am curious. Are you starting a series of 10 awkward stories, or are you just going to end the Dash-turning-into-a-colt story here? (I hope not). Nevertheless, I think this story shows promise.
WTF!?
I have to know how this goes. Tracking.
I'm sorry, but Dash is too dumb to be believed.
I was about to skip over this until I read that you are going to keep it clean (relatively). Its pretty funny so far, awaiting next update.
funnym giggle worthy, love it
Meanwhile, in the land of my brain...
...
...
...
*atomic bomb*
Successful fanfic is successful.
Rainbow is a bit dumb though, and why is Applejack so terrified of colts? You'll explain later right? Jesus, I hope
800410
Yes, I made Dash a little dumb, though it will mostly stay on the topic of gender differences. But even if you don't read farther know that she will get better. Also this is a random comedy so the characters will not quite be cannon. Of course if they were cannon it wouldn't be awkward.
Still enjoy many of the other fantastic stories on FimFiction. I recommend looking up totallynotabrony.
Thanks for he feedback.
The awkward tension was soooo tight, you could fuck it.
800792 It makes sense, but...
Okay, I'll watch it to see where it goes. I'm not promising anything else, however.
Can't wait for other stories. I have to say this story was impressive but Rainbow Dash was dumb
800822
More than fair, I hope you enjoy it. I look to add the next chapter tomorrow.
I thought RD was the one who got kicked into a tree. Applejack is in a tree. Why is she in the tree?
That was an interesting start, but I think you made RD a little too dumb.
Edit: It would work better with her having some ideas of the differences but not being quite sure on details.
Dash as the element of Honesty I'm calling bull
Best line ever
800954
To answer the question why is Applejack in the tree there are 2 things to keep in mind.
1) That part of the story is from RD's perspective. RD was not paying attention and did not see Applejack get into the tree.
2) The reason Applejack went into the tree was a instinctual reaction to interacting with a non Apple related stallion (all the characters are going to have little non cannon flaws as it helps make the story more interesting if done right.
In short I thought it was a amusing reaction. It also somewhat mirrors Twilight's reaction in the show during Winter Rap Up when they finish waking up the animals and the snakes scare twilight into a tree, the audience does not see how she ends up there, if I recall, she just does. The metaphor here is that AJ reacts the same way to a penis, which is sometimes called a snake or one eyed snake.
As to Rainbow Dash being to dumb, well that is her flaw in this fic. I have all the chapters planned out for this fic including much of this execution. It makes some of the things that are going to happen later a lot easier to pull off. I will also tell you know that she won't be played completely dumb, just ignorant of the gender differences.
I also agree that having RD know some of the differences but not the specifics would be a better way to go in many ways. I tried writing some parts in chapter 1, 2, and 3 that way and honestly it took away some of the cheep but amusing comedy. That being said she won't stay completely ignorant as I plan for Dash to learn throughout this story. Additionally as the story progresses I will be writing more complex comedy that builds on itself, which will allow me to avoid the cheaper dumb dash jokes.
I hope this addressed your points. While long winded I hope it shows that I appreciate your criticism. Answering these concerns is helping me become a better writer and I would like to thank you.
Thank you.
800804
Not the intent of the story...
... but whatever floats your goat.
801450 I can buy that explanation. Except, it wasn't in RD's perspective. At least, not enough. The story was mostly from a third person view describing the view of the ponies. If it was more clearly written from her perspective, in the first person, then your explanation would be standing on firmer ground, which is to say that it's not entirely without merit. For instance, focusing more on RD's perspective, for the entire chapter up to that point or at least for a good chunk of that scene, would be acceptable out of first person. But you started by focusing on AJ, so it seems logical to follow her actions and "see" her jump into the tree. That's my take anyway. I could probably write another paragraph on this, but I think that's enough points and I want to get back to a cool fic I just started. Link dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_2.png Sorry.
As for the "dumb RD" issue, your explanation is valid and accepted. I believe every story is entitled to its own interpretation and bending of the cannon universe, as long as it's based on a logical (or intentionally illogical for some random stories) framework.
I do look forward to seeing where this goes.
Cheers.
801508
The story being from Aj's perspective is only viable while AJ is able to have a coherent thought. Otherwise I probably would have used Pinky from the beginning.
Also I am glad you want to see where this goes. Feel free to keep the criticisms out in the open.
...
P.S. Naruto... I may have to investigate your link
801524 Brohoof for a fellow Naruto fan?
/)
Lol
Sooooo awkward. Very.
801529
Let me know if you write anything and I'll take a look.
801072
You say that now, but what I plan on challenging this claim soon. Yes I did just challenge myself cause this S just got real.
What did I just read?
Also no matter how you slice it Rainbow is not that dumb. She's too lazy to crack open a book and learn stuff that way, sure, but she wouldn't go asking AJ what that thing is... she's probably prod it and twist it until soemthing new happened
silly dashie
Now I can't help but envision a picture of "her" standing on her back legs from the back while she is facing a river whistling softly with rainbow arching ever so gracefully from a certain area into the river.
I didn't see it mentioned anywhere, but wouldn't Dash's voice sound deeper and more masculine as a stallion? This is an important point that should be brought up, and would definitely be one of the more obvious differences between genders that even Rainbow "Dense" Dash would have initially noticed. She/he can hear herself/himself speak, after all. AJ also probably would have noticed the deeper voice before she noticed Dash's "wedding vegetables."
Speaking of, AJ's reaction could have used a better transition, probably with an interruption in her dialogue before "Dash why are you a colt..." that would describe what was going on inside AJ's head when she suddenly began noticing the details that led up to this startling realization. It's dangerous to go alone; here, take this:
“Dash, what in the hay is goin' on he... eee... rrr… uuumm?" Suddenly it dawned on her. The masculine voice. The slightly bulkier mass holding her down than she would have expected from the athletic pegasus mare. It was then that she noticed the feeling of something else pressing against her back which was decidedly not a pair of apples that had fallen from the tree during the crash. "Dash, why are you a colt... WHY IN THE HAY ARE YOU A COLT!?"
In the bit before that, I don't see why Dash would have mispronounced "friend" as "fwend." Dash wasn't using cutesy kiddie speech, nor does she normally speak with an impediment to "R" sounds. Also, the sentence stating that Dash was giving an explanation—right before the actual explanation itself—is unnecessary.
That isn't everything I noticed, but I'm not about to go re-writing the entire fic. I must say, though, I particularly liked the "turkey in the hen house" remark, and the comparison to crashing into a mountain capable of consolation.
809610
OMG complex constructive criticisms, BLRAGLEBLARGLE...
...ACCEPTANCE.
Thank you very much for the feedback. In addition to lacking in the punctuation department I have the tendency to write in a style that demands more complex punctuation. I also need to find a editor to help that is decent with punctuation. So consider auditions open. If you know anyone who might be interested please feel free to help initiate contact. (That extends to anyone.)
I am taking your edits to heart, and studying them to better myself for the future.
Concerning the title of the book. The point of the book is not just pick up lines but a large spectrum of intimate talk that can occur between both interested parties and dating couples and covers topics from suggestive, comedic, and even insulting euphemisms.
I have a tendency to hate
google docs, but have tried using it in the past and probably will again. Anything to make a editors job easier.
Why people pronounce Pinkie as Pinky?
800410
So I was going back and editing chapter 1 to make sure I did not screw up chapter 1 after I got a actual editor.
I forgot how dumb I made dash.
On that note I'm not changing a thing sorry. I will still justify her only being dumb for things she has no reason to know about, and gender. Basically the first few times she learns something she will get it wrong. She will get it in the end, like with learning about gender. I am also writing her a able to think for herself. Hence in chapter 4 when she comes up with a solution for how to be seen in public.
O wait chapter 4 won't be released until Monday/Tuesday my bad lawl.
I liked this chapter but I feel inclined to mention two things.
You seem to have left in editor's notes at the beginning and end as well as put a where there should have been a at "What do mares have?" This caused the rest of the chapter to all be in itallics
.
877078
Wow, I am an idiot
Fixed.
I have no words. My brain is fried.
*slowly turns off computer and walks away*
I LOVE this Rainbow Dash. I love her. I love her--sorry--HIM so much. I kind of want to see more of this particular story, though...
A pretty good story. Yeah Dash was a LITTLE too dumb, but it works out for comedic purposes.
Also, I notice something a LITTLE bit amiss from the story:
Hyperthermia is when you body temperature is too HIGH, usually caused by overexposure to heat. Usually enough to overwhelm the body's thermoregulation. If you meant the water to be cold, as I'm sure you do, since I'm pretty sure that river isn't fed by geothermal springs, then I think the word your were looking for is HYPOthermic, where the body temperature is too LOW. Low enough for bodily functions to begin to cease.
Just thought I'd point it out!
Keep up the good work!
Um.
That was.... Weird. Awwwwwkwarrrd.
I feel very uncomfortable right now.
877078 Hey! Remember me? Hellboy Fan 76?
Typos:
- feat
- friend's
- Dash
-apples
- you're
one "is" too many