The new changeling stared at Chrysalis for a long moment, then reached up and started rubbing his brow between his fingers, "Ok, start from the beginning. You're not making any sense right now."
"Well, I'd love to stick around and tell you the history of our kind, but," she smiled coyly, "As you may have guessed from my disguise I'm not really supposed to be here. It's only a matter of time before the unconscious body of the mare whose form I stole is discovered and this entire hospital gets locked down. I can give you a quick summary, but the details will have to wait unless you're willing to come with me." She lowered her eyelids and gave him her best smolder for further incentive. A second too late it occurred to her that maybe trying the seduction route wouldn't be the best idea here, but the damage was already done.
Alexander's (she'd read his name off the clipboard attached to his bed while she was talking) face had turned stony, and he was glaring at her with an intensity that actually made her shrink back a touch. She wasn't sure whether he was doing it consciously, but his presence filled the entire room, squishing her up against the wall and leaving her weak in the knees. He felt predatory without needing any of the training she had put herself through back when she was first turned. She'd been hoping for and dreading a companion for quite some time now, but she'd never dreamed of somepony like this.
He blinked, and rubbed his head in confusion as the presence retreated, leaving Chrysalis scrambling to maintain her composure. "I think I'll start by asking what the hell that was," he said sharply.
"Right. That," Chrysalis waited until she was certain her voice was steady, then explained, "Changelings are empathic. We can sense the emotions of others and and use them to our advantage. The thing is, that little trick goes both ways. You projected your anger out onto the world at large just now, and I wouldn't be surprised if everypony in the building felt it." Her tone grew slightly nervous as she continued, "I need to leave now, before the guards I saw in the lobby come looking for you, and you probably should too. Last chance to come with me." She turned and started heading for the door. While she wouldn't just abandon him, not without making multiple attempts first, the pulse was real and she really needed to go.
For a moment she was worried she'd really have to walk away, but then-
"Swear on Tartarus you mean me no harm," Alex snapped just as she started to push the releasing latch on the outside of the room.
Chrysalis froze in place. Oaths sworn on that unholy place had unpleasant consequences if broken. One time, an oath breaker had climbed a bell tower to try to avoid the oncoming stampede. He'd promptly been over run by a herd of flying pigs that had been created by accident in the next town over. It might seem like coincidence, but stuff like that happened to oath breakers all the time, which really messed with everypony's sense of disbelief. In other words, if Chrysalis went back on her word she might not live to regret it.
"I swear," she said solemnly. Fortunately for her she was being honest, perhaps for the first time in her entire life.
"Say the entire thing," Alex told her, and Chrysalis bit back a curse that he knew how the ancients rites worked.
"I swear on the bowels of Tartarus that I mean you no harm," Chrysalis recited back to him with an exasperated sigh. A faint grinding of stone on stone told her that the oath had been witnessed, and Alex nodded in satisfaction, "Now move your fat flank, time is not on our side."
He stood up with a grumble, then stumbled woozily, leaning on the wall for support. Chrysalis rolled her eyes and sauntered over to him, feeding him a trace of love energy as she did so (the fruit of a quick snack she'd taken in Appleloosa to stock up for the journey), and said, "Silly changeling, our abilities take energy to use. You can't just throw a wall of anger out like that without something to power it, and you haven't had the chance to feed yet. Your stores are completely dry right now. Come on big guy, I'll get you some food once we're out of here."
She shoved herself between him and the wall and started guiding him towards the door, letting him lean against her as he rested some of his weight on her shoulders. The touch of his claws along her neck sent shivers down her spine, and she let herself have a moment to gloat over her prize. Yes, he'd make a fine king, once she'd whipped him into shape and gotten him over the pony that had done this to him. A shadow passed over her face at this, and she silently vowed to find that pony and make his or her demise as painful as possible. It wasn't like that wasn't already her plan in the first place, after all.
"Wait," Alex said, "I'm not wearing pants."
Chrysalis shot him a blank look, "Why do you care?" she asked.
"Culture thing," Alex replied, "Can we make," he grunted, "finding me some clothes a priority?"
"...I'll see what I can do," Chrysalis said noncommittally. She liked him without clothes, thank you very much, but if that was what it took to get on his good side, she'd consider it.
88888888
Celestia stalked through the corridors of her palace, a faint frown plastered across her muzzle. Captain Armor's latest report had been troubling in the extreme, and Celestia was faced with a situation she wasn't very comfortable with: acting on incomplete information because time was critical. She couldn't take the luxury of sitting back and waiting until she had all the facts before moving. A P.R. disaster was bearing down on her niece's head, and unless Celestia did something to ward it off a single broken life would be the least of her worries.
The doors to Cadance's room slammed open, allowing Celestia to enter without knocking. Cadance didn't deserve that courtesy at the moment, and it might be a long time before she would again. The room was, of course, empty. Celestia had been fairly certain Cadance wouldn't be in here, but she'd needed to check regardless. A cursory inspection revealed a wastebasket full of tissues, a couple of black stains on her blue bedsheets that seemed to be equal parts mascara and salt water, a thick, fluffy rug with a ring on it where all the threads were pointed in the same direction, and an open window looking out on the palace gardens.
Celestia spread her wings and soared out across the grounds, taking a moment to revel in the sensation of wind caressing her feathers and the midday sun warming her back. Celestia never got to fly as often as she liked, so she had to enjoy what opportunities arose. She gave herself a little shake and focused, letting her eyes scan the shadows under the trees for a certain flash of pink. Cadance had selected a few choice moping spots for herself over the years, so it was only a matter of finding the right-there she is.
Celestia tucked her wings against her sides and rolled into a dive, pulling out of it at the last second and blasting a curtain of air in Cadance's face as she landed. Cadance looked like she was about to bolt, and Celestia had to resist the urge to just reach down and hug her as tightly as possible. While that may be what both she and Cadance wanted, it wasn't what Cadance needed, so Celestia steeled herself and stood firm.
Celestia sighed internally, then spoke the words she dreaded more than any others, "Cadance, I am very disappointed in you."
Cadance withered on the spot, seemingly regressing from the fine young mare Celestia thought she had become back into the scared little filly that had first walked through the palace doors, all those years ago. That filly had bloomed under Celestia's care and patient teachings, or so she had thought. Now Celestia was trying to figure just where she had gone so wrong. Cadance, meanwhile, hadn't said a word, only looked down at her hooves in sullen silence.
"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" Celestia asked, a hint worry creeping into the back of her mind even as she kept it out of her voice.
Cadance shook her head. When Celestia didn't respond, Cadance said, "No. I don't."
Celestia blinked. Whenever she'd asked that question in the past, Cadance had always let loose a torrent of excuses, ranging from the almost believable to the downright absurd. To see her not even trying to defend herself was alarming, to say the least.
"I screwed up," Cadance continued, ears drooping and sounding so miserable she was almost apathetic, "I screwed up, and Alex paid the price."
Celestia had nothing to say to that at first. It was merely a confirmation of what she had already read, and it told her nothing of the why. As the ruler of a country for an entire millennium, she had seen more trysts, adulteries, and awkward situations than she could shake a sunbeam at, not that she wanted to. Currently, her instincts were telling her something was off, just a little. Shining's story didn't quite make sense in a way Celestia couldn't put her hoof on, other than that Cadance wasn't telling her something. Something important.
"Cadance," Celestia rebuked gently, "That's not everything, is it? I know you, you're stronger than that. You wouldn't have let something like this happen, not the mare I taught."
"Maybe you don't know me as well as you thought you did, "Cadance said bitterly, "you wouldn't be the only one."
"As if I hadn't heard that line before," Celestia said with a slight smirk. When Cadance didn't rise to the bait, instead choosing to examine a nearby flower, Celestia went on, "Come on, you can tell me the rest of it. I'm here to help you, but you have to let me."
"What if I don't want your help?" Cadance snapped, causing Celestia to smile. There was the filly she'd raised, proud and headstrong and so certain she was in the right, "This is my mess, isn't it? I should be the one to fix it!"
"That doesn't mean you have to do it alone," Celestia riposted, "It may be your fault, but it's not just your responsibility. When one foal starts a house fire, the entire village helps to put it out. I took you on as a student and fellow Princess: that also means I took on the responsibility for helping you fix your mistakes, but I can't do that if you shut me out. Please," Celestia sat down across from her, brushing a lock of hair away from Cadance's face so she look her in the eye, "Don't do that to me."
"I liked him, all right?" Cadance shouted, knocking Celestia's hoof away as her ears laid flat against her skull, "I did it because I liked him! That first night, when he came to visit me, he had me in stitches the entire evening. By the time I figured out what I'd done he'd already wormed his way into my heart just by being him! He was funny, and charming, and just put me at ease. Shining: his time in the guard weighs on him, you can see it in the way he walks, the way he just stares off into space sometimes, like he's looking at a horror only he can see. There's nothing I can do to ease that burden.
"Alex... Alex isn't like that. He looks death in the face and laughs at it while smacking his flank. He cracks jokes about the battles he's been in and tells these crazy stories about his job that I would never believe for a second if he didn't keep trophies and scars as proof, but he isn't a monster. He still cares about those close to him. At least," Her head lowered as she let a out a sniffle, "He used too. I knew the moment I let that spell lift he would hate me forever, and would have every right, so I would tell myself 'Just one more day, then I'll free him.'"
Cadance let out a humorless chuckle that turned into a sob halfway through, "You can see how well that turned out."
Celestia frowned, but nodded. The sad truth was she did understand, but that didn't make Cadance's actions any more excusable. If anything, it only made her look worse.
"Cadance," Celestia said tiredly, "as much as I may want to, I can't make this go away. Sooner or later word is going to get out, and then it'll be all over Equestria in the blink of an eye. Tell me Cadance, what are you going to do when that happens?"
"I don't know!" Cadance warbled, looking up at her, her eyes red and puffy from all the tears she'd shed, "It's too awful to think about."
"That won't stop it from happening," Celestia told her. This lesson had always been one of the hardest for Cadance to accept, and today was no exception.
"Then please, Princess, tell me. What should I do?"
"There's only one thing you can do at this point," Celestia stated, the words weighing heavily on her soul, "Right your wrongs as best you can. Tell the world the truth, and try to mend what you broke. If you try to bury this, I can tell you, speaking from personal experience, that it will return at the worst possible moment."
Cadance's expression was pleading, begging Celestia with her eyes to tell her that there was any other way. When Celestia didn't budge, Cadance sighed, wiped her cheeks, and drew from the deep pool of strength Celestia had always known she possessed, even if Cadance herself hadn't.
"You're right," she said quietly, half to herself, "That is the right thing to do. Celestia?"
Celestia lips turned upward just the tiniest bit, "Yes, Cadance? What is it?"
"Will I go to prison for this?" Cadance asked, her lower lip trembling.
Celestia thought for a moment, then said, "Is there anything involved in a prison sentence that is worse than what you've already put yourself through and the challenges you're about to face?" Cadance shook her head, "Then I think it would be quite pointless. However," Celestia's gaze grew steely as her mane billowed out behind her like it was caught in a storm wind, "If I ever hear about something like this involving you again I will no longer be so lenient. Understood, young lady?" Cadance looked like she was about to wet herself, but still had the sense to nod so eagerly her head almost fell off. "Good." Celestia nodded to herself, her usual serene smile back in place as she stood and turned to leave. "I'll arrange the press conference. I look forward to hearing what you have to say."
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Chrysalis froze halfway down the hall on their way out of the high security ward, causing Alex to stumble into her, "We've got company," she said slowly, "Stick close to me and whatever you do, don't let go." Her horn lit up and she got to work, casting one of the most challenging illusions she knew, second only to making a pony disguise without using a template of any kind. The pair shimmered, wavered, then faded from sight as the light-bending spell took hold, rendering them all but invisible. Chrysalis scooted over to the wall, pulling Alex along after her, and walked straight up it and onto the ceiling just as the main door burst open and a full platoon of guards charged in, horns glowing and spears at the ready.
Alex took a sharp breath, but the sound was drowned out by the clatter of steel hooves on tile as the guards systematically checked each room from top to bottom. Somepony cursed loudly when they saw Alex's room was empty, and a pair of guards left immediately through the front door, leaving it open just long enough for Chrysalis and Alex (who was staring at her in open wonder) to slip through.
They overheard the guards outside the door mentioning a 'Nurse White Cross' going inside but not coming back out while trying to explain why a simple sweet talking was enough to get her unsupervised access. This made Chrysalis smirk while Alex gave her a raised eyebrow. She mouthed "later," and started walking again, forcing Alex to follow unless he wanted to fall off the ceiling. Alex had another close call when he spotted Shining Armor stomping towards them with a glare that made the tiles in front of him start smoking. The sight almost made him lose his footing, but a sharp tug from Chrysalis's horn kept him place before disaster could strike.
Getting outside was a challenge all on it's own, as it required Chrysalis to slide herself and Alex through a swinging door and out into the city at large during the brief seconds a guard passed through them, as a door opening all by itself would attract far too much unwanted attention. If she'd had time to teach Alex how to disguise himself (which had taken at least a week for her to learn) it would have been as simple as jumping two guards and walking out the door. But no, they had to start on the stealthy times within fifteen minutes of meeting each other. Chrysalis knew they were getting lucky here, and she didn't like it one bit. She'd found out the hard way that the moment you started relying on luck was the moment it abandoned you.
In fact, at that exact instant their luck ran out, and the door closed on Chrysalis's tail. Her sharp hiss of pain was loud enough to attract the closest guard's attention, and he swung wildly, clocked her upside the head with his spear even as Alex freed her tail from the door. The invisibility spell shattered as Chrysalis stumbled backwards, leaving the pair with their backs to the wall and no less than five royal guards blocking their escape route.
For a single tense moment neither side moved. Then the guards lowered their spears and spread out, making sure the two changelings had nowhere to go except back into the hospital.
"What the buck are those!?"
"How should I know!? I've never seen them before."
"Freeze!"
The changelings had almost identical reactions. Chrysalis hissed as her wings flared out and she rooted herself, making her look much larger then she was. Alex didn't hiss, but his wings did spread as he dropped into a fighting stance, swaying slightly in the air as they helped keep him balanced. Chrysalis noticed with a start that he looked exactly like one of those eastern martial arts practitioners that had sometimes wandered into the Crystal Empire during her youth, and that their style fit his frame far better than a pony's. However, this wasn't the time to ponder such things, and she forced herself back into the present.
The two sides stared each other down, occasionally making a slight movement to test their opponents' reaction. The standoff ended when the leftmost guard, who was already looking twitchy, lunged, his spear aimed for Alex's heart. Alex smacked the spear aside with his leading arm, stepped away from the weapon and forward, and twisted, channeling all the energy of his movement into a reverse punch that slammed into the pony's jaw, nailing the soft spot between his helmet's nose plate and cheek plate. The pony went down like a sack of potatoes, but Alex was still moving, turning with his momentum as he brought his leg up and kicked the next guard under the chest guard, knocking him off his hooves, and planting his weight on the now extended limb as it came down.
The next guard managed to get his spear ready fast enough to block Alex's next punch, only for Alex's fist to turn into a claw as he pulled his arm back, leaving four sharp cuts down the guard's cheek and gouging chunks of wood from the spear shaft. As the maimed guard whinnied and reared back in pain the fifth guard stabbed at Alex's exposed back, only to receive a duck and a back kick to the snout for his trouble. Alex then followed up on the fourth guard with an uppercut to the chin. The third guard screamed for help just as Alex smacked him in the face with a tiger palm, sending him spluttering to the ground.
Chrysalis blinked. The whole fight had taken maybe five seconds, tops, leaving no opportunity for her to join in. Oh well, there was always next time.
"Huh," Alex said, as he started to wobble, "That was easier than I, expected..." His eyelids fluttered as his balance faltered, and he tumbled forward, unconscious. Chrysalis only barely managed to catch him before he hit the ground face first, and quickly slung him onto her back. With a quick glance around for bystanders, she slipped behind the nearest bush, shifted into an overweight stallion to account for the extra bulk, and walked off as quickly as she could without looking hurried. She didn't care that he'd saved their hides: he still hadn't recovered from that anger wave he'd emitted back in his cell, and the battle had forced him to expend even more energy. She'd just gotten a companion after what felt like an eternity spent alone. She wasn't about to let him go this easily.
88888888
"Re-port," droned Sergeant Shifter, sitting behind a lump of stone that had once been a desk. His wings buzzed in irritation. This particular surveying party should have been back hours ago. He was just about to send out a search party when they stumbled back out of the tunnels, so they better have a very good explanation for what had taken them so long.
While he may have only been a sergeant, in truth he led the entire changeling swarm while the queen was away. At one point, he'd asked why she never appointed any officers. She told him that if the changelings ever grew large enough to need officers, they would get them. Since birthing new changelings required both a king and a queen, and Chrysalis was obviously single, this had never happened. The hive had corporals, and sergeants, and that was it. Frankly, that was all they needed too, but it still irked Shifter that he couldn't at least become a lieutenant.
"The primary hatchery and storage facilities have caved in, sergeant," stated corporal Long Horn, greeting the sergeant with a sloppy salute, "We had to map a few new paths through the tunnels in order to complete our inspection. Fortunately the backups are still usable. Private Hindsight's pod is empty, but he seems to have made it to the surface safely, Sleipnir protect him. Also, we found a few ponies poking around the main entrance and decided to have some fun with them. That's what took us so long sir. On the plus side we have a fresh serving of fear magic for anyone who's hungry enough."
Sergeant Sifter nodded stiffly, "Acceptable. Next time send a runner back to inform us if you're behind schedule. For now, go distribute your spoils among the stasis technicians." Long Horn saluted again, and Shifter returned it before the changeling headed off.
Shifter sighed and slumped a little now that he was alone. It was always the same dance whenever they got woken up. Her Majesty would fly off to investigate the latest disturbance, and he would stay behind and catalog everything that had broken since the last incident. Chrysalis would come back, tell them it was a false alarm, and they'd repair the essential systems, recharge the stasis goo, and go back to sleep. The pods weren't perfect, but they had been designed to awaken and forcibly eject their contents if damaged, so, when combined with a distinct lack of changeling corpses lying around, everypony assumed the changelings that went missing had woken up, realized their predicament, and gone out to live in Equestria at large. Given that one of those changelings had actually come back last time with enough magic to recharge the pods all by herself, this wasn't as far fetched as it might appear.
"Shifter, my son," hissed a soft voice in his ear. Shifter instantly straightened and perked up his ears. Chrysalis, in order to save energy, only ever contacted one changeling directly while away from the hive, who would then relay he message to the others. Activating even this simplified 'hive mind' took a considerable amount of effort that increased with distance, and nopony ever used it without good reason. Also, since she preferred to relay her findings in person, something important must have happened, "Tell the hive that an event both wonderful and tragic has come to pass. A changeling King has been born."
Shifter's jaw dropped. Chrysalis wouldn't lie, but this was more than many of them had ever hoped for. The thought of having new brothers and sisters again... it took his breath away.
"Right away, mother," he sent back, "Should I tell the others not to bother with the stasis pods?"
"That would be advisable," The queen purred, "Please do."
Shifter grinned as he stood up, marching neither quickly nor slowly towards the the speaking ledge at the center of the main cavern junction. Standing next to the speakers rock, he began to strike it with his hoof, sending out a summons across the hive. Soon enough, all the others had gathered below him, looking up in confusion at what he might need to say.
When everypony was present, Shifter stopped kicking the stone, and spoke. "Brothers! sisters!" Shifter said, projecting his voice out across the multitude, "I bear the best of all possible news! The wait. Is. OVER!"
For a split second, silence reigned. Then the cheering started. "That's right, my siblings!" Shifter continued, letting his own elation creep into his voice, "Not only is our beloved queen no longer alone, but she now has a King!" the cheers and stomping grew louder, "You all know what this means! Our patience, our sacrifices, and the sacrifices of those that came before have paid off! The blood of the Crystal Empire has resurfaced, and this time," his voice lowered, though it still carried all the way to the back row, "Our Queen will have her vengeance, and we. Shall. Have. JUSTICE!" The roar the followed knocked a stalactite off the ceiling, not that anypony noticed.
I recommend not doing any more extended fight scenes, personally. In all honesty, I always find those insanely boring. Maybe it's just me, but I kind of skip over that sort of thing. Not only do I find it confusing and hard to actually imagine, it's just not interesting on its own merits, especially when written by someone who doesn't really know much of anything about how a real fight looks like. Which, of course, describes most people.
I really, really loathe that guy, personally. Yudkowsky is a blithering idiot. Seriously. Half the time he has no clue what he's talking about and the rest of it he bullshits. His entire organization is a cargo cult, it's an insult to every real scientist. I only talked to the guy once and I wanted to punch him in the mouth the entire time.
7238413 I'll keep the fight scene thing in mind. I've run into a similar problem with battles that are several pages long when they don't involve Discord (he makes everything interesting). This one is a mere two paragraphs, so it's not that bad, but I do see your point. Besides, this story is about the abuse of love magic and recovering from/dealing with that abuse. Hand-to-hand combat probably won't be a major factor. Expert sabotage is more likely.
I've never met Yudkowsky in person, and I probably never will, so I can't draw my own opinion about him, but reading his stuff did teach me quite a bit about how to be a better thinker, even if it only exposed me to a bunch of other useful works all piled in one place. When I said it helped me really change my mind, I meant it.
Speaking of which, it would help your position a lot if you could point out one particular piece of B.S. and explain why it's B.S. I'd love to fill in another hole in my reasoning.
7238447
In all honesty, there are so many better thinkers, if you want to learn more about analytical thinking and logic. I can recommend a bunch of them to you, if you'd like. One of my personal favourites is Willard Van Orman Quine, one of the big names in analytical philosophy and logic. He contributed greatly to epistemology, the philosophy of language and philosophy of science, which are the central philosophies of how things are known, naturally enough.
I've never met him personally, but, well, when you spend enough time on the internet, you end up talking to everyone eventually. You know how it is. Yudkowsky's big problem is, as said, that what he does is a cargo cult. He has actually no idea what rationality even means, but he uses the word everywhere as some kind of intellectual snobbery. He just worships it for its own sake. The main problem is that being rational is easy. Literally insane people can be rational, while sane people can often act irrationally. Someone who bites their finger nails to make sure the sun rises is acting rationally, because they have an idea about the world and a self-interested intent and they act to bring those things into overlap. Their ideas just happen to be wrong. That's what rational action is, though. That's all it is. The rest of it he's making up on the spot.
The second thing is that he is, in all honesty, crazy. I remember that I looked on his website once and there was this laughable, fanfiction-like piece about "monks of rationality," just sitting in there in between all the other stuff. It was completely ludicrous, but that's the kind of level he writes at. It's impossible to take seriously because he genuinely seems to have no way to tell apart the sections of his own writing that are halfway sensible and the parts that are complete fantasy or plain intentional fiction.
Also, he frankly has no qualifications. He holds no degree in any kind of natural science at all - or even frankly anything. He never even formally finished school. At the same time, this homeschooled manchild presumes to tell all of us, who actually worked hard for our degrees and have this thing pounded into us until we squeak, how our jobs should be done. It's frankly insulting to the same degree that it's laughable.
It might be best explained by saying that he's pretty much on a level with Ayn Rand and Objectivism: faux philosophy dressed up in just enough of the trapping of real philosophy to fool people into going along at a casual glance. Not all of it is straight-out wrong, but all of it is bullshit.
7238498 Yeah, you nailed it. His understanding of religion and attempt to build his own is, quite frankly, cute. Because he doesn't understand it, he falls into the same traps he claims to not have fallen for. Also, his rationale for why souls don't exist is quite lacking. I've spent enough time poking holes in it to know that for certain.
I'm surprised he doesn't have any scientific qualifications, but since I never looked that's purely my fault. It doesn't matter that much, though, since a faulty education doesn't always stop you.
I'm homeschooled, and frankly I would have suffered horribly in pubic school so I'm thankful for that. Of course, that's not a good comparison since I'm now a rising senior in college majoring in biochemistry.
7238562
It quite definitely stopped him. Wikipedia says he dropped out of school when he was twelve and has been an "autodidact" ever since. Now, I'm talking about this from a continental perspective, but I went to school until I was 19, already have a finished bachelor's in computer science and still struggle sometimes with the sheer complexity of what's expected for my current Master's in chemistry. He frankly can't have scrabbled together any working knowledge of natural science to the same degree on his own unless he's some kind of god-forsaken genius - and he clearly isn't.
No offense intended, of course. You're probably as aware as anyone that it works out badly as often than as doesn't. He's the worst kind of example of that - underqualified, undereducated, but boundlessly overestimating his own capabilities and intent on rubbing it in everyone's faces.
7238589 Hey, chemistry is hard. Don't kick yourself too much.
Ok, there's dropping out of college, and then there's dropping out of middle school. That makes a much bigger difference.
He may not be a genius, but I'm pretty sure he's not stupid either. You can't write characters that are too much smarter than yourself, you aren't able to picture what they will do accurately, so unless HPMOR is ghost-written he's at least in the top 10%.
7238607
Oh, no doubt. It takes a certain degree of intelligence to be that creatively stupid. He's not unintelligent in the conventional sense. He's just an idiot about it.
Of course, then again, from what I've seen, the characters in that piece are by no means smart. They're just good at pretending to know what they're talking about the same way he is. Which is a useful skillset all by itself, admittedly.
7238618 Persuasion is an art all on its own. By the way, you never mentioned if you like the story or not. I love your comments, because they make for interesting conversations, but you tend to leave that detail out.
7238673
I'm still reading it, aren't I?
But ok, to spell it out: I think it's solid so far. Dropbear had a bit of a point when he said that the beginning is a bit cringe-worthy, though. Given the whole sadsack "boohoo, my heart is broken, I will be an evil bug now" theme it's kind of natural that there will be a degree of melodramatic sappiness, of course. Still, at times, the protagonist edges a bit on the bad end of the "special snowflake" spectrum. A super hardcore martial arts human who was totally saving himself for the right girl and now gets awesome changeling powers is just a bit... eh.
7238678 Fair enough. I guess I just value your opinion. Also, this story is striking out into new territory, and it's about a touchy subject that has the potential for utter disaster, so I'm a bit more nervous than usual.
7238689
Yeah, after a second thought I added a bit onto that, so I recommend re-reading the comment.
It's really interesting to see how Changelings are depicted in this story. It most definitely isn't just a copy of ideas presented in other works. I really get the feel they are different.
That the guards attacked them on their way out reflects poorly on the ponies, I think. Also, it's kind of the proof that 'Alex' is who he said he is, as he is the only one with that kind of skill.
The fact that Cadance will be going public, and then this will roll in later... it's a really interesting angle. Everypony will know who caused it, and when they share their story, well, Cadance will have admitted everything before then, won't she?
Ick, imagine what kind of reaction Cadance would get once it becomes obvious that she can easily turn more ponies into Changelings based on the abuse of her magic. That she won't may be irrelevant...
7238678
I thought Dropbear's comment was praise for the story. Made it as cringe-worthy as possible is impressive.
7238715
Knowing the guy, it might have been. Still, it's kind of true in either sense. The cringe is strong in this one.
7238678 See? Good, constructive feedback.
Unfortunately, all my characters tend towards that end because I personally can do a large number of different things well. While thinking up the concept for the trailer-tent he lives in I ended up designing one that could work in real life and I might build at some point in the future. The only things stopping me are money and a place to store it. While writing the fight scene I acted out the movements I wanted Alex to do to make sure the body could bend that way and that it would flow smoothly. A dash of Norse mythology gave the changelings someone to swear by. I don't think of it as being a special snowflake because that's just normal for me. I do it all the time, and on some level I expect everyone else to do it too. Writing this paragraph has actually been something of a perspective shift.
Alex won that fight because royal guard plate armor sucks and horses can't take a punch. Not a single blow he struck hit metal, yet they were all weak points on the body. I built my own suit, I know what needs protecting. Sci Show did an entire episode about about how humans jaws are adapted to punching: pony jaws aren't. Besides, you'd expect him to be good at fighting after years of martial arts and SCA heavy combat (I started when I was 8 and 11, respectively) and that's what he does for a living. That's why he didn't die instantly the moment he walked into the bad side of town.
Also, stories generally shouldn't be about ordinary people. Stories about normal people happen all the time, but they're usually not worth telling. Those stories that are about ordinary people then demonstrate they were never ordinary to begin with, they just needed a push. All of the Mane Six are exceptional in different ways, that's why we care about them. Starlight's town is all about average, and it shows why it doesn't work.
However, I just noticed I haven't given this guy any strong character flaws yet, or if I have I didn't notice. I'll need to think of one and add it into the next chapter. That should balance out everything else. Being incredibly naive might make for a decent amount of humor with the deceptive changelings, or maybe an extreme discomfort with sex would clash nicely with Chrysalis's goals.
7238851
I don't. None of these things are actually fighting. I did martial arts for long enough to know that for a fact. Martial arts are a sport, with rules, and SCA is re-enactment. Nothing about this prepares you for what getting into a real fight is like. Take it from the guy who got stabbed in the leg once for mouthing off in the wrong place. Yes, I'm actually this much of a smartass in real life, too. People react as well to it as you would expect.
It's not really the variety of his skills that's the problem, it's the specific constellation of them. He's like a LARPers wet dream. Martial arts and weapon expertise and a crack shot with a bow and all the horse princesses want him and laughs at killing that guy who threw the sword, but he also has the romantic sensibilities of a repressed internet virgin. It's too stereotypically "badass" for any kind of comfort. That's where the problem lies. He doesn't sound like a person, he sounds like someone's power fantasy, and that's never a good thing. I'm a smart guy. There's not a whole lot of things in the world I don't know at least something about. That doesn't translate to being able to take out six armed professionals with only my bare hands, though. That kind of character is not good for anything and you should honestly move as far away as possible from that as soon as you reasonably can.
Oh, for the love of God no. The "That Guy" is already strong enough in him. Plus he slept with Cadence, so that's already established as not a thing. I literally visit swinger clubs and I wouldn't bang a horse.
By the way, I will love you forever if you can somehow use the phrase "boohoo, my heart is broken, I will be an evil bug now" in this story.
7238922 Good point. I originally designed him to be a ranged specialist, but I went and shot that in the foot last chapter. Now he got the job after a ten minute sparring match where it doesn't say how well he did and he doesn't have a bow at all.
He didn't kill the guy who threw the sword, another guard did. Alex was a bit preoccupied with his first serious injury at the time. I also edited to make that obvious.
Ok, no repressed sexuality stuff. If you say it's a bad idea I'll avoid it. I only added the saving himself thing to begin with because it's extremely rare on this site and could be refreshing. I still need to come up with something, though, and it has to be a personality trait, not a skill or lack thereof. If you have any suggestions I'm listening.
7238959
The difficult part of this is, of course, that it's difficult to write a genuinely flawed main character who's still sympathetic. It has to be a flaw that's noticeable, but doesn't turn him into someone that nobody would actually want to read about.
If it wasn't for that, I would recommend taking the most negative interpretation of the character he currently is and running with it: Alex is basically a thug (from the fighting) with delusions of sophistication and culture (from the "saving himself.") Superficially, he likes to consider himself something of a warrior poet - a fighter, but with class.
What he really is is a prole. A drinker, brawler, coarse language, little real education. Someone who goes into run-down bars and starts fights just because he enjoys it. At the same time, he fancies himself the type who talks about craft beers and his appreciation for them, but in truth he couldn't tell them from goat piss. The whole "saving himself" thing? Went out the window the moment a princess gave him the bedroom eyes.
And that's who he is: a deadbeat who pretends he's got more going for him than that. Chrysalis problem isn't going to be turning him to her point of view, it's going to be turning him into someone who can even just pretend to be a noble when in disguise.
How's that?
7238981 I don't know what you did, but the site shut down for a moment there. Anyway, how about we invert your idea: make him a sophisticated and cultured person with delusions of thuggery. A guy who thought he'd gotten the fantasy adventure he'd always wanted until reality crashed in on him in the form of Cadance's love spell. A guy who still sleeps in the tent he drove there in despite having lived in the city for over a year because it's his only reminder of home. Sure, he trains like crazy, but he never used those abilities before he came to Equestria and hides his terror at mortal danger behind a mask of apathy and bravado. One that Chrysalis would be uniquely suited for seeing straight through. It's only once he gets to the hive and is presented with the challenge of recreating the industrial revolution that his true personality comes out.
7239030
Same here, I don't know what was up with that.
The problem is that this kind of leaves in the same situation you started. It's not so much a flaw as a hidden strength masquerading as a flaw, and people pick up on that. When you've got a weekend warrior who ends up in ponyland, makes his living as literally hired muscle and beats up trained professionals, no matter how much they're half his size and unseasoned, you can't sell the characters as "yeah but he's totally a scaredy-cat who doesn't know what he's doing." The actual events of the story prove it a lie. You don't get that kind of person without a background that actually justifies is. Being a brawler who can talk smart when he has to actually makes more sense that way.
You know, what I really like about talking criticism with you is that I can really say it unvarnished and as I see it and you won't take it personally. That's really nice and something that's rare as diamonds here. It's so refreshing to just lay it all out and not worry about stepping on someone's toes.
7239043 Thank you. My english teacher was a harsh editor, and she made sure I could take criticism well. Besides, if I can't process a complaint there's no way to improve.
As the for the other part, it could be that that used to be him, but working as a guard beat it out of him. He's learned how to cope, sort of, (I could show him having a breakdown after his first battle) but hasn't really worked through his issues. That gives him a level of depth that both our ideas don't have: a second layer, so to speak. His character arc could be Chrysalis coaxing the chemical tester he used to be back out of the mercenary armor he wears to protect his sanity. Coming to Equestria changed him into a monster mentally, and becoming one physically started him on the road to recovery.
Him sleeping in the tent because it's his only connection to home is a solid idea, though, one that Chrysalis could ferret out easily if given the chance.
7239084
That's a solid idea. In the rough, it's something I see often enough that it's almost a cliché by itself, but usually the kind of story that does this is one of those grimdark "Equestria is a racist craphole" stories, so that would make it different enough. It would work well with what's already established about him, so I'd say that can work.
That was unfortunate. And Alex is a crouching bug hidden badass, who knew.
It's so nice seeing changelings as a whole being happy.
I don't mind Cadance not going to jail. She clearly really regrets doing it and she's going to destroy her public image completely.
I just wanted to throw out that most writers when they do storys with changelings instead of useing everypony when the changelings talk bout themselfs they use everyling thought i would try to give you a small idea
7238589 why do you have to take chemistry in computer science master?
7239835
I don't. I got bored of computer work a few years ago and decided to go back to college to do something else.
More please !!!
7238922
Will you accept this done sarcastically?
7240084
Absolutely.
Pardon me, I read your discussion with wlam, and have an idea for a character flaw.
Now, one thing that shows up so far, is how Alexander gets lost in his head from time to time. Example being how he walked to the bar without having realized, and again when he saw Shining and could have fallen off the ceiling if not for chryssy being there.
This could prove to get him into trouble (did I just walk into the person I'm trying to avoid?) from time to time.
On another note; love the story so far. You do have a couple of words that are missing a few letters throughout the chapters (he instead of the, or he instead of her). But a totally solid story so far. I think your ok with the character's abilities right now(the fight was cool) but I agree with wlam, in the sense that he can't be a human Swiss army knife, and making him less than perfect makes him real.
Please bring forth more chapters soon please. This has peeked my interest and I find it very entertaining.
I do believe that I have become hooked on this story! I like the depiction of the changlings and I like how Alex's transformation turned out. Looking forward to more updates.
hmm... from the look of the cover photo i'd say that this would seem like a story with an Anthro tag.
7270399 It's not, I need a new picture.
Canary does have some interesting ideas indeed!