Jack Stone in Equestria

by Dark Chocolate

Chp.4 It's Jack Stone, It Doesn't Have To Make Sense

Celestia walks into her throne room, and see’s Cadence beating Jack with a skillet, who is on the floor in the fetal position.
“Just! Stop! Talking!” roars Cadence. Celestia looks shocked, “Cadence! Why are you doing that? Well I mean apart from the usual reasons.”

Cadence glares angrily at Celestia, “This jackass has been hitting on me all damn day and I’m sick of it!” She stops beating Jack for a minute.

Jack gets up furiously, “That is a total lie! All I told her is after she has her kid, it’s going to be a mess down there!” Jack makes a motion towards Cadence’s flank, “And all I said was that if Shining Armor isn’t interested, then Jack Stone doesn’t mind a little extra jam on his toast if you know what I mean!”
Luna covers her mouth with her hooves, trying not to barf.
Another skillet comes flying from the left, beans Jack in the head, and renders him unconscious.

Jack Stooooone!

Cadence stomps on the ground furiously, "No! No way in hell!"
Celestia sighs, and reclines against her throne, "I'm sorry Cadence, but Jack Stone is the only one with any form of investigative experience."
Cadence trots in place rapidly while groaning, "But he suu-huuh-uuh-ucks!"
Celestia lowers her head sadly, "I know..."

Jack Stone crashes through a wall to their right with his car into her throne room, ignoring the fact that the palace is technically suspended in the air on the side of a mountain.

Celestia narrows her eyes and sighs, "Hi Jack." she says unenthusiastically.
Jack Stone gets out of the car, and stands dramatically. He pulls out a pair of aviators and puts them over his current ones.
Luna plants her face into her hoof, "You are such a douchebag..."
Celestia "Ok Jack, we need you to investigate something. An ally of ours, Silver Tongue, may be plotting against us. We would look into it ourselves, seeing as unlike you, we don't have a brain the size of a walnut, but we're too high profile. That's where you come in."
Jack shrugs, "Why not just shoot him in the face?"
Luna rolls her eyes, "Yes, because preemptive revenge is the cornerstone of any good political decision."
Cadence, "Jack just...look into it discretely please?"
Jack "Um ok first off princess, maybe you should rule your kingdom with a little less sass, and a little more giving me money."
Cadence "Says the idiot cop who frames children for public mass murder!"
Jack, "I don't tell you how to do your job, so don't tell me how to do mine!"
Cadence starts shrieking at Jack, "You just told me how to do my job! Are you a complete idiot? This is why I've banned you from the Crystal Empire!"
Jack leans in close, cocks an eyebrow and with a seductive tone says, "Are you coming on to me?".
Cadence whirls around, and kicks Jack with both her hind legs. Jack goes tumbling down the steps, and knocks over several suits of pony armor.

Cadence and Jack dangle from chains over a large round metal door in the floor.
Cadence sighs, "So let me go over this with you one more time, just to make sure we're on the same page. We find out Silver Tongue is being black mailed by a super evil genius. Instead of telling anyone, you plow through the front door, shoot every guard in sight, then start pressing random buttons on a machine, and one of them happens to render us unconscious...am I missing anything? Because when I tell my aunts about this, I want to get every detail perfect while we laugh at you."

Jack hangs there silently.
Dr.Sinister walks in, "Vell Jack, can you guesh vat I have in shtore for you?"
Cadence narrows her eyes, "Sharks?" she says sarcastically.
Dr.Sinister cocks an eyebrow and smiles, "But vat kind of shahk?"
Cadence, "Sharks with lasers?"
Dr.Sinister slowly narrows his eyes at her. He walks out of the room annoyed.
Jack and Cadence dangle silently as they hear Dr.Sinister walk down a series of stairs, and open a small door somewhere beneath the floor. They hear a shotgun go off four times. Dr.Sinister reappears in the room a few minutes later.
Dr.Sinister "Ok zen. Can you guesh vat else ve have in shtore for you?"
Cadence sighs and rolls her eyes, "A giant saw that slowly makes its way towards us?"

Dr. Sinister stares at her annoyed for a minute. "Tell you vat...lez try something a vit...sinister?" He lets out a long, evil laugh.

Cadence and Jack Stone are now chained to a wall underwater, as a giant metal saw slowly makes its way towards them. On the end of the saw blades are sharks with lasers.
Dr. Sinister glares at Cadence from a glass window to their left, "Zer! Not show shmart now ah ve?"
"Are you kidding me?!" roars Cadence, "There's fillies starving in third world countries, while this jack ass builds a massive underwater sawblade!"
"Don't forget the part with the sharks with friggin' lasers attached to them." adds Jack.
Cadence sighs, "I mean why even give us scuba gear, if he's just going to kill us off?!"
Dr. Sinister presses the button on his intercom, "Becaush I'm freaking evil zat's vy!" He lets out a hearty evil laugh.
He walks away from the window.
Jack sighs in relief, "Don't worry Cadence, lucky I brought my-"
"So help me god Jack, if it's some stupid spray or device that gets us out of this one trap, I'm-"
She stops talking as Jack swims over to her with some type of weird screwdriver thingy.
Her chains break free and they swim to the surface.
Cadence sighs, "This doesn't make any sense, where did you even get that thing?!"
Jack chuckles, "I'm Jack Stone, it doesn't have to make sense!"
They climb up a convenient ledge, to a conveniently unlocked door, and outside to a conveniently unguarded hallway.
Cadence looks around confused, "I like how he invests in sawblades with sharks attached t it but not decent security."
They run down a few other unguarded hallways, just in time to see Dr. Sinister taking off in a rocket.
Jack, "Dangit! He got away!"
Cadence, "Don't worry I can use my magic to stop the-"
Jack turns furiously towards Cadence, "He! Got! Away! Cadence! What part of that do you not understand?!"
Cadence stares at Jack, "What? No he didn't I can still - oh great. Thanks. Now he's out of range."
Jack pulls out a cellphone, "Don't worry, I know where he's going, and we're gonna need backup. Luckily I know just the guys."

Cadence and Jack stand outside of the building they were just in.
Cadence rolls on the floor laughing, with tears running down her face.
Jack yells angrily into his cellphone, "What do you mean you don't remember me?!"
Cadence hears someone inaudibly talking on the other end
"This is Jack! Stone! We served together on the force!"
more talking
"Um...no i'm not the guy who set fire to that school...that was the other Jack Stone."
more talking
"It IS a popular name!"
more talking
"Fine, go to hell Karl!"
Jack hangs up, "Ok...time for the B team..."
Cadence rolls her eyes while grinning, "Oh this is just classic."

Jack, Cadence, and several random people sit at a table together.
One woman, with massive biceps and a brown mohawk, looks at Jack with admiration, "Ya when thee Jack Stone called, I wanted in right away!" Everyone, except for Cadence obviously, lets out cheers of approval, "Who was there when I needed that hooker buried? Jack Stone, that's who!"
Jack looks around the bar with concern, "Um...ya definitely."
A man with long blond hair and a thin beard speaks next, "And when that kid glared at me, who helped me frame his parents for drug abuse so he got sent to a foster home? Jack god damn Stone!"
Cadence gawks at him, before glaring at Jack.
Jack Stone looks around the bar again terrified, "Uh...ok guys, lets um take it easy..."
Another ripped woman with a leather jacket, and short black hair speaks up, "And who set fire to that orphanage to distract the police while we raided that Planned Partentho-"
Jack stands up "Yes! Yes! Ok, we all have fond memories of me! But we have a new target: Dr. Sinister! Now in front of you, is a large map of the compound. I’ll be directing you from a van down by the river. I'll be giving you all codenames, so make sure you have your radios on at all times. Alright everyone, lets move out!"
Cadence, "Um Jack...maybe you should actually discuss the plan first?"
Jack sits down, "Oh right..."

Jack Stone sits in the back of a van with Cadence.
Cadence glances over at Jack, “Are you sure you can remember the codenames of all your team members?”
Jack nods, “Ya I just wrote all their real names down next to their codenames in this notebook.” Jack holds up a black notebook.
Cadence nods, “Hmmm...that’s a fancy looking book, where did you get it?”
Jack shrugs “Found it out in the middle of a field. It had some writing in the first few pages but I didn’t have a chance to read it.”
Jack turns it over to the cover.
Cadence eyes it curiously, “What’s a Death Note?”

Comments

[cosmic flash]

Awesome Chris Farley reference with the van down by the river.

[Dark Chocolate]

7252689 Couldn't resist lol

[boardgamebrony]

7317555

If you're not writing this with a blood alcohol content so high, your blood catches on fire, then I don't know what to tell you. :P

[Dark Chocolate]

7317561 Did you catch the Death Note joke or have you never seen it like some kind of sheltered monster?

[boardgamebrony]

7317577

Oh shoot, it says my response is from chapter 4, which is probably where the death note joke is, but I haven't read taht chapter yet. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, FIMFICTION? YOU ARE FULL OF LIES

But I'll get there and check it out! I have seen death note, but only some of it, so that makes me slightly less of a monster. :P

[Dark Chocolate]

7317584 Aww thank you so much!

[Dark Chocolate]

7333132 Your comments always put me in a good mood, thank you so much lol

[ashmonster88]

Really digging all the pop culture references.