• Published 11th Apr 2016
  • 3,643 Views, 72 Comments

Deafened - Crayonpaste

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Real Guitar Butcherer Anon

"Is he... is he still alive Sunset?" Rarity asks, poking Anon gingerly with a plastic fork.

"He's still breathing." You answer back. "Doesn't seem to be showing any signs of getting up anytime soon though."

"But school's about to start in forty minutes and we still haven't left Pinkie's house!" Twilight says in panic.

"Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Anon wake up!" Pinkie Pie shouts, shaking him off of his beanbag. He flops onto the carpeted floor and stays limp, still snoozing away without a single care in the world. The girls all look at each other, before Applejack huffs in frustration and grabs a baseball bat.

"Applejack, don't you think that's a little overkill?" Fluttershy asks nervously.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Applejack replies, before raising the bat above her head. "WAKE UP ANON!"

As the bat comes soaring down on Anon, he begins tossing and turning. His head moves at just the right moment to avoid Applejack's strike. He then grabs your foot, and plants his head on it, using it as his new pillow. You try to shake him off, but he suddenly pulls you down to the ground, and rests his head on your thigh.

"Anon get off me, this isn't funny anymore!" You shout, feeling your face start to heat up. Every time you try to squirm out of Anon's grasp, he tightens his grip on you, until he's basically using your body as his new beanbag. You're suffocating under the full crushing weight of Anonymous as you spot Applejack raising her baseball bat again.

"Quick, Applejack now's your chance!" Rarity points at his head. "Get him now!"

"WAIT, WAIT STOP! PLEASE! DON'T DO IT YET, YOU'RE GONNA HIT ME TOO-"

******

Jesus, your eyelids feels so heavy it's like the entire world's hanging on them right now. You were sleeping fine and dandy, even having a nice dream of cuddling with a super fuzzy teddy bear until a certain redneck girl decided it was a smart idea to wake you up with a baseball bat. You scoop up a spoon full of cereal, and move it towards your face, only to miss and send the soggy Cheerios down your shirt. You moan like a zombie as you prop your head up with one elbow.

"Table manners, Anon!" Rarity says crossly. "Don't put your elbows on the table! That's so disrespectful!"

"I'm not at a five-star restaurant." You groan, before scooping up another spoonful of cereal. This time, you successfully deliver it to your mouth without making a mess. Just as you do however, you spot Sunset Shimmer walking with a slight limp in her leg towards you and takes the seat to your left.

"Mornin'." You say with a mouth full of Cheerios.

"You too." She replies. As she sits down, you notice her hair's a lot more disarrayed than normal. You don't know if her hair's always like that in the morning or something, but you gotta say, it's actually pretty cute.

You shake your head. No. Stop Anon. The last time you found a girl 'cute', she turned you into the Adolf Hitler of Canterlot High. A title which you still hold to this day, and it doesn't seem like it's leaving anytime soon.

"Eat up, Anon; breakfast's the most important meal of the day!" Pinkie Pie says as she throws you a bowl of oatmeal. "An important meal, for an important day!"

"Thanks, Pinkie." You say as you reach for the bowl. "Why's today so important?"

"Wait." Twilight Sparkle drops her spoon in shock. "You don't know?!"

"What?" You look at her confused.

"Today's the Battle of the Bands!" Everyone shouts simultaneously at you.

Normally you'd be panicking, but the magical thing about being tired is that for the first two hours, you give zero fucks about anything. A zombie apocalypse could break out right now, but you'd still prioritize getting a cup of coffee above all else. You simply respond with a mumble as you take a mouthful of oatmeal, and do your best to resist the urge of falling back asleep. Secretly though, you're feeling pretty confident about nailing this whole guitar thing; if you can get 90% on Through The Fire and Flames on Expert, then you're already basically a guitarist, right?

...Right?

...

Whatever; coffee now, think later.

******

"---Gonna stop your evil plaaaaaaaaaaaans~" Twilight finishes the song, singing horribly off tune. You look around, seeing everyone wearing a pained expression on their face, as if they all just witnessed a murder. Even Twilight Sparkle's purple dog has his ears folded back in horror.

"You know..." You say as you plug your hearing aid back on. "For the first time ever, I'm glad that I'm part deaf..."

"Oh believe me, I wish I was..." Rarity mutters as she massages her temples.

"Well not to be mean, but you weren't doin' so hot either, Anon!" Applejack steps in. "You were missin' notes too! Your A string was way out of tune, you're strumming the strings too softly, you're only picking in one direction, and you're supposed to put your fingers close to the frets, not on 'em! Plus, your posture just ain't right! And also not to mention the tempo which-"

You're tempted to unplug your hearing aid again, but you stand there and take Applejack's unrelenting, straight-to-the-point, soul crushingly honest criticism. You need to learn how to do this; the fate of Canterlot High is depending on this musical counter spell and like how Twilight said, you've only got one shot at it.

"I think we're all just exhausted right now." Fluttershy yawns. "Maybe we should all give it a rest, and practice later."

"I agree with Fluttershy." Twilight says. "My throat's feeling sore after that anyways."

The Rainbooms scatter, with everyone packing up their instruments and leaving you alone on the stage. Sighing, you give the guitar a couple of practice plucks, only to play out of tune again.

'How the hell am I going to learn to play this thing well enough to defeat three sirens in five hours?' You think to yourself. 'There has to be a way though...'

"You're still staying?" You turn around, and see Sunset Shimmer approaching you. "Don't you have classes, Anon?"

"Principal Celestia said everyone who's participating in the Battle is exempt from classes for the day." You answer. "Plus, I'm not leaving this room until I can at least play a solo without making the instrument sound like a dying kitten."

You try going for a chord, and true to your words, the guitar gives off an ear-piercing sound that shrieks across the entire room, and causes a window in the barn to crack. Sunset also cringes at the sound of you failing at the guitar.

"No...that's not it..."

You go for another attempt, until Sunset suddenly chokes up on the guitar's neck, killing your chord. You look up, and see Sunset giving you a weird look of annoyance.

"Why don't you just take a break?" Sunset asks. "You've been at it for like half an hour now, Anon."

"A break?" You look up at her in disbelief. "We have like five hours until the Battle of the Bands starts, and I still don't even know which string the A string is! How can I take a break?!"

"Why are you pushing yourself so hard anyways?" Sunset asks. "What are you trying to prove?"

"Nothing." You answer back, going back to strumming the guitar. You try to remember Applejack's advice about strumming both sides, but your guitar is still sounding awful. "Just trying to learn the guitar so I can play my part during the Battle."

"Come on Anon; are you sure you don't want to give it a rest?" She asks again.

"And what; give up?" You retort, botching a chord as soon as you say it.

"...Yeah?"

"That's crazy talk!" You burst out. "The Rainbooms need me right now! I gotta get this stupid guitar down before the Battle!"

"Anon..." Sunset says sternly. "Let's be realistic; you've got like five hours to learn how to play the guitar half decently; this isn't something you can do overnight."

"Doesn't mean I won't try." You ignore Sunset Shimmer, going back to working on your chords.

"It's just a fact!" Sunset argues. She's audibly losing her patience now. "No matter how hard you try, the results won't change!"

"Bullshit." You scoff. "Results can change as much as I want them to; all I have to do is just try a little harder."

"You're the one bullshitting yourself." Sunset says coldly.

"Well if you're done with your snarky comments, then let me practice my guitar in peace." You huff, walking away from Sunset. Your practicing however, is cut short when all the sudden, you hear someone unplug your amp. You look, and see Ms. Baconhair being the culprit.

"Sunset!" You shout. "What the hell was that for?!"

"Just face it!" Sunset says. "There's nothing you can do! Stop being so stubborn!"

"I don't give a crap about what you think; plug that amp back on!" You demand her. Sunset stares you down with a glare that normally would wet your pants tenfold, but you stand your ground, defiant. You need to learn how to play this stupid instrument if it's the last thing you do.

"I don't get it!" Sunset stomps her foot in frustration. "Why are you being so shameless?!"

"Shameless?" You raise an eyebrow.

"Look at you!" Sunset points a finger at you. "First Rainbow's game, and then you doping the Dazzlings on all that negative energy! All that crap you've done and you STILL want to go around, making an idiot out of yourself! Do you not get the concept of 'I've done enough damage as it is, so I'm going stop?!' Just stand aside, and let Twilight handle this! BOTH of us have screwed up this school enough for our lifetimes!"

"And all those things I've done to screw up this school aren't going to fix themselves!" You shoot back. "I don't want to let everyone down!"

"And what if you screw everything up again?" Sunset crosses her arms. "You'd have made an even bigger mess than before! You'll look like an even bigger idiot than before!"

"I'm NOT going to just sit on my ass and do nothing about a problem that I caused!" You shout, slamming the guitar on the ground as you do. "Because that is letting your friends down!"

Those last words paralyze Sunset in her place. You take a deep breath, and readjust your hearing aid before walking past Sunset, plugging the amp back in yourself, and finding a peaceful corner far away from Sunset for you to practice. Regardless, you're trying to find some sort of equation, some sort of formula, or pattern you can follow between the notes and the positions of the fingers, all the while trying to find out how to play a god damn chord.

'What's gotten into her?' You think to yourself. 'You thought Sunset was cool, but she somehow reverted back to the old Sunset Shimmer that turned into a demon again!"

Well Sunset Shimmer's attitude aside, it's not helping the fact that if Alcatraz was still in use, they'd probably hire you to use your shitty guitar skills to torture their prisoners right now... You miss another note, with the guitar's horrific screams reminding you all too much that you messed up.

'No.' You huff in frustration. 'I'm going to learn this stupid instrument, if it's the last thing I do!'

You decide to take a break from chords, and try to work on your fingering. 'As close to the frets as possible, but not touching them; just like how Applejack said...'

"The A string's the second to the far left by the way..." You hear a voice murmur behind you. "...your left."

"Oh, thanks!" You say. "So that means-"

You freeze for a moment, and turning around, seeing Sunset Shimmer who is kneeling beside you.

"Wait a second." You narrow your eyes. "How did you know?!"

"I...sorta play guitar..." Sunset says nervously, blushing a little. Yeah; she actually does look really pretty whenever she blushes like that. You shake your head, catching yourself staring a little too long at her and clear your throat.

"Good enough to give me a hand here?" You ask. "I'm completely lost right now..."

"I don't know." She looks away. "It's...it's a pretty tough instrument to learn."

"Tough enough to make me give up?" You raise an eyebrow. For at least ten full seconds, Sunset Shimmer stares at you in bewilderment before breaking into a smile.

"Well who said you were gonna give up, right?" She smiles.

"Awesome." You smile back. "So...if this string is the A string...then what are all the others?"

"Well...starting from your left, it goes E, A, D, G, B, E..." Sunset points at each string individually.

"Wait." You raise an eyebrow. "There's two E strings?!"

"Told you it's a hard instrument..." Sunset shrugs, before giving you a smug look. "What's the matter, Anon? Is this all it takes to stump you?"

"Like hell it is." You grin. "Go on..."

******

"Nice! That chord actually came out pretty good!" Sunset pats you on the back, rubbing a little as she does.

"Thanks." You smile. "It's all thanks to you though; I'd still be sounding like a humpback whale on laxatives if you didn't teach me how to properly play."

"Ugh. That put images in my head I didn't need." Sunset laughs. "But on a more serious note, something about your playing still feels...off."

"What is it?" You ask. "Is it my fingering?"

"No, no, no." Sunset shakes her head. "It's just...your whole guitar playing as a whole sounds...I don't know how else to say it, but it just sounds...bland"

"I mean...no offense Anon, but when I hear you playing it just sounds empty." Sunset continues. "It's like the notes are just soulless..."

"None taken." You reply. "So how do I fix it?"

"Music is supposed to be played from the heart, I was told." Sunset explains. "Just...just put some emotion into your music. Doesn't matter what it is; fear...happiness...anger... or maybe even love! Anything and I can guarantee you it will sound a lot better..."

"Hmmmm." You put a hand to your chin. "Emotions...."

You reach into your memories; the most powerful emotion you can come up right on the spot is Adagio Dazzle. Adagio Dazzle and how much you want to cunt punt her right now. But too bad you don't know any heavy metal songs about hating someone to death. You need to come up with something else...

You continue digging through your thoughts, looking for something that you feel really strong about...say, how about regret? You could play a song about regret after what you've done to Rainbow Dash, but you just get this feeling in the back of your head that you could do better, that there's something else you feel about that's even stronger than your hate towards Adagio and your regret combined.

...

"Say." You look at Sunset Shimmer. "I think I got something!"

"Oh, really?!" Sunset looks at you excited. "What is it?!"

"You know the band Lifehouse?" You ask her. "I think I know just the thing..."

You give your guitar a couple of practice strums, then go through all the basics about fingering and whatnot that Sunset taught you.

"Get ready to back me up, Sunset." You smile. "I've got a good feeling about this one!"

Author's Note:

Holy cow, I just saw the word count, and realized how long I'm dragging this story out for. I did not mean for it to be anywhere this long; I'll be trying my best to wrap this all up without breaking the 100k word mark while getting out everything I want to say. If you made it this far in my story, I want you to know it means a lot to me that you were willing to put up with my writing for this long. :rainbowkiss: