Returning Survivor

by Itchy

Iron Lungs

Mecha was sitting in the stands, cheering on as Rainbow Dash and Applejack competed. Sitting on his left was Doctor Whooves, and to his right, Big Macintosh. “Who do you think is going to win?” he asked his friends.

“My money is on Applejack,” Doctor Whooves said. “Rainbow Dash is good, but she can't match Applejack's endurance.”

“Eeyup,” Big Macintosh said, supporting his sister in this contest.

Chuckling, Mecha told them, “Provided Rainbow Dash doesn't use her wings.”

Both of his friends stopped, and looked at each other. “You don't think...” Doctor Whooves started, when Rainbow Dash lifted off the ground.

“Eeyup,” Big Macintosh replied, shaking his head.

LINEBREAKER

Mecha was walking into town, talking to his two friends. “You know, they might've been even if Rainbow hadn't used her wings.”

“Yeah,” Doctor Whooves said. “Too bad we'll never know since she did use her wings.”

Big Macintosh merely grumbled under his breath, upset over his sister's loss.

“Relax Big M,” Mecha said, patting him on the back. “She may have loss, but she's got the Running of the Leaves to look forward to. Granted, I still don't understand why we have two cycles of spring, summer, fall, before winter*, but I digress.”

Sighing, Big Macintosh said, “Alright, but ah'm still not happy.”

Smiling, Doctor Whooves said, “You don't have to be. We have all of lunch to fix it though!” At which point, he ran through the doors into the cafe.

It was Mecha's turn to sigh, as he said, “Still obsessed with food. I mean, he eats his weight in food daily, and yet he still looks the same! How does he do it...?” before walking in as well, with Big Macintosh following right behind him.

LINEBREAKER

“You know,” Doctor Whooves said, as they waited for the check. “This whole Iron Pony thing got me thinking.”

“Yeah,” Mecha said, looking interested in one of Doctor Whooves famous ideas. After all, the last one ended up with them sneaking into the Canterlot Royal Museum and rearranging all the fancy 'donated by the noble family of BLAH' signs into words that spelled out, “All nobles su,” before they were caught, and had to flee.

“Well, a little friendly competition now and then is good fun, right?” Doctor Whooves said, leaning forward.

“Eeyup,” Big Macintosh said, leaning forward as well.

“So why not have a little competition between us?” Doctor Whooves asked. “Something all three of us can do evenly, and make a show out of it?”

Mecha joined his friends in leaning forward, when the check was brought out. Ignoring it for the moment, he said, “That's all fine and dandy, but what are we all good at? And who'd judge?”

Glancing at the check Mecha ignored long enough to pay it, Doctor Whooves got up and said, “Well, how about singing?”

Getting up at the same time as Big Macintosh, Mecha replied, “Really, singing? Couldn't you come up with something more... I dunno, original?”

“Well... no,” Doctor Whooves replied.

“Ah think,” Big Macintosh interrupted, “that it'd be a fun thing ta do. After all, who doesn't like a good song?”

Sighing, Mecha said, “That still doesn't answer about judges though.”

Doctor Whooves stopped, thinking. After a moment, he said, “Twilight Sparkle would probably be a good bet, since she does everything by the book, she'd be impartial.”

Mecha nodded his head, when Big Macintosh added his two bits, saying, “And Miss Cheerilee judges the talent show each year.”

Glancing at Doctor Whooves in order to see if he agreed, Mecha sighed, and said, “And I can probably find somepony to judge after Running of the Leaves. Sound good?”

His friends nodded their heads, leaving Mecha room to say, “Then we're going to need to plan where, since I think it'd be nice to give the ponies watch the race a show to go with it afterwords, right?”

“Eeyup,” Big Macintosh responded.

LINEBREAKER

Mecha chuckled, as he listened to Celestia and Twilight lecture Rainbow Dash and Applejack about sportsmanship and fair play, when an idea hit him. Walking up to the two, Mecha spoke up, asking, “Princess Celestia, I have a request for you. My friends and I are holding a little singing contest in a few minutes, but we need a third judge. Twilight here is already one, and I was wondering if you'd be willing to fill the empty slot?”

Celestia blinked, caught off guard with the request. Doing a quick mental check, she came to the conclusion that she had nothing else to do, and nodded her head.

“Great!” Mecha said, clapping his front hooves together in joy. “In that case, follow me to town square, and we can get started.”

LINEBREAKER

Town square, normally an empty square that ponies gather at to hang out, had been transformed. A giant stage was at the north end, taking up a quarter of the square, while on the south side bleachers had been set, taking up half the square, and were quickly being filled up with excited ponies. Halfway between the bleachers and the stage was a small table with three seats for the judges.

Glancing at the almost full bleachers, Mecha told Spike, “Go ahead and do your thing.”

Smiling, Spike ran out onto the stage, to massive applause from the audience. Approaching the mic near the front, he slowed down before picking it up, saying, “Helloooooooo Ponyville! And welcome, to EQUESTRIA IDOL!” Here, the audience burst into even more vigorous applause, leading Spike to continue, “I'm your host, Spike! And before we begin, let me explain the rules. We have three singers here today, who can sing anything from rock, to hip hop, to rap, or even country! During which, their performances will be rated by our three judges. For those of you who don't know them, let me introduce them! First, we have the lovely school teacher, the ever practical, and much beloved, Cheerilee!”

Here, Cheerilee stood from her seat, and waved to the applause of mostly the younger ponies. Sitting back down, she gave a signal to Spike to continue, who said, “Up next, the most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria, she lulled an Ursa Minor right into a sleep while sending it back to it's cave, the local librarian and student of the princess herself, Twilight Sparkle!”

It was Twilight's turn to stand, which she did so whilst blushing profusely. After a quick wave and another round of applause, Spike finished the introductions with, “And finally, we have the princess herself! She rises the sun every morning, and runs the nation with her sister, the ever loved, Celestia!”

Princess Celestia took her cue, and rose to the biggest applause yet, smiling as she waved. After a few minutes, she sat down, allowing Spike to get the show on the road. “Now, ladies and gentlecolts, I give you the first of the three performers of the evening. He runs the clock shop, and has nerves of steel! You may know of his misadventures from Mecha's now famous poker nights, let's give it up for the master of time, the fixer of messes, the wrestler of potted plants, DOCTOR WHOOVES!!!”

Massive applause rang out as Doctor Whooves took the stage, walking up to the mic. He stood there waving for several minutes. When nothing happened, he frowned, and looked off stage, saying, “Where's the music?!?”

“Sorry! The player has been on the fritz lately, just give me a second to fix it!” came a voice from near the stage that nopony could see.

Tapping his hoof, Doctor Whooves looked back at the audience with a nervous smile, when the speakers came on and started playing... the chicken dance. Looking back at the pony off-stage, Doctor Whooves hissed, “Track 8, track 8!”

After a quick “Sorry,” from the pony, a different kind of music started to play, leading to Doctor Whooves to relax, turning to face the audience with a proper smile this time, and started to sing:

“Take seat youngin'; Stay around for spell
I got a little story that I wanted to tell
Would ya
Please stick around, take a listen and see
Cause back in my day, things were always grand as can be

Now all the
Streets were paved gold and gems; Glimmerin'
Lightin' up the skies at noon; This town is shimmerin'
Waitin' on nobody cause we got stuff to do
Cause we through with the new
We're talking old school, kids, that's just what we do!

Back in the day, it was the prime of the time
Imagine all the greats singing together in rhymes
and listening together on old Gramaphones
and old Radios it was a hell of a time

Let me tell ya youngin', man the old days were grand
You could walk down to the beach and plant your hooves in the sand
You didn't have no worries
All was grand as can be
So everybody take a listen
Open your eyes and see

So trot with me through the autumn leaves
And keep close to stay warm
Soon you'll see how much you mean to me
Feelings I've never felt before

Skippi-do-bop was the name of the game
Swinging like crazy everyone goes insane
It's like a game except everyone wins
Why isn't music like that, anymore?

My god everything is such a bore now
Everything's the same thing over again
With all that hippin' and the hoppin'
and the bippen' and the boppen'
They dunno what the jazz is all about, you see

You'll look back at your days
I'm sure you'll experience it sometime
cause when you grow old
everything seems cold
and new generation will arrive

So trot with me through the autumn leaves
And keep close to stay warm
Soon you'll see how much you mean to me
Feelings I've never felt before

So trot with me through the autumn leaves
And keep close to stay warm
Soon you'll see how much you mean to me
Feelings I've never felt before.**”

Finishing his song, Doctor Whooves took a bow to the audience, all of whom were applauding with great cheer, while Spike took the stage again, saying, “Wow, what a performance! That is going to be a tough one to follow for this next competitor! He's tall, he's strong, and he's dating local sweetheart Fluttershy! Working all day at Sweet Apple Acres, he's come down to sing for us, give it up for BIG MACINTOSH!”

Hearing his name, Big Macintosh walked onto stage to receive a warm welcome. Waving his hoof to the crowd, he momentarily turned to face off stage, and said, “Track 21 please,” before refacing the audience. After a moment, the sound of a guitar rang out, before he started to sing:

“Why don't you come on down
To Sweet Apple Acres
Got a whole family full
Of Tasty Treat Makers

And to top it all off,
We're Apple Pie Bakers,
Don't be fooled by
The Flim Flam Fakers

We'll whet your whistle
With sweet Apple Cider
We wanna be your number one
Apple provider

We got everything you could
Ever ask for
And I bet we even got
A little bit more than

ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT (at Sweet Apple Acres)
ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT
And more....

ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT (at Sweet Apple Acres)
ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT
And more....

It's a beautiful day, it's a beautiful day...
It's a beautiful day, it's a beautiful day,
It's a beautiful day, to keep the doctor away...

It's a beautiful day, it's a beautiful day,
It's a beautiful day, to keep the doctor away...

So I'm guessing by now,
You know our name,
And you know we ain't green
To this apple-bucking game,

We're well deserving
Of this apple fame,
Everypony who visited
Smiled after they came

So whatcha waiting for?
Ain't you feelin' hungry yet?
There's no reason
For you not to get

The very best apples
At our happy little farm
So, why don't you visit
And sample our charms with...

ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT (at Sweet Apple Acres)
ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT
And more....

ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT (at Sweet Apple Acres)
ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT
And mooooooore!

It's a beautiful day, it's a beautiful day...
It's such a beautiful day,
It's a beautiful day, to keep the doctor away...

ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT (at Sweet Apple Acres)
ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT
And more mo mo more mo mo mooore moooooore!

ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT (comeon, sing it with us)
ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT
And more....

ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT (at Sweet Apple Acres)
ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT
And more....

ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT (at Sweet Apple Acres)
ALL THE APPLES
YOU COULD EVER WANT
And more....
More more more more MORE!
So much more...
We got all the apples...***”

Once more applause rained from the audience, cheering for Big Macintosh's performance, self advertising that it may be. Spike rushed onto stage as the noise died down, saying, “Well well! It appears that Fluttershy has a singer as well as a work horse! Following up last, but not least, is the mechanical hero, the manticore slayer, the town forger, and bringer of poker night, MECHA!”

Making his way on stage, Mecha gave a wave to to crowd, before grabbing the mic from Spike. With a glance to the technical pony off stage, he made sure that he said, “Track 13, got it,” before getting ready to sing:

“Yeah, I own this beat!

You can call me the king or the ruler
Felon on bass getting hoarse at the mic
We're getting 20% cooler!

We had a great day out
Calling my name like Ferris Bueller
It's time to wrap this up
We're getting 20% cooler!

Here we go, here we go
Yo it's Lulz, with the rhymes and flow
Yeah, breaking the doors down
Clearing the floors now
No Phone, just the flyin' pone
Mikin' the mic, going solo,-dash through the sky and Rainboom
I'm in the zone
Mackin' on the mares
Drawing all the hatin' stares from stallions
Hah, keep makin your excuses losers

We're gettin' 20% cooler!

Whiplash, manes sway side to side, back to back
Sack to valley, docking rapidly
Missing out? Yo, don't get mad at me
I'm causin' casualties casually annually
Actually, If I were the dean of the university,
Straight up I'd be freakin' the faculty
Rocking the girls, swag, ice and moolah, brah.

7 colors in your hair
Get your boots on dear
'cause we're going out there
Don't care about the dress code
Put it on, let's go
Girls goin' wild cause we're going al fresco, HA!

No need to perform
Hands on our bodies gonna keep our skills warm
We need social reform 'cause we're just so criminal
Linguist subliminal damages minimal
Top percentile largest fraction
Massive attraction girl-on-girl action
Stop that, I'm gonna need a redaction
Drop that, you already got your reaction
Me? I'm gonna keep on smiling
You? You're gonna need restyling

I got the quote back
From the jeweler
You're getting 20% cooler!

We're gettin' 20% cooler!
We're gettin' 20% cooler!
We're gettin' 20% cooler!
We're gettin'....

You can call me the king or the ruler
Felon on bass getting hoarse at the mic
We're getting 20% cooler!

We had a great day out
Calling my name like Ferris Bueller
It's time to wrap this up
We're getting 20% cooler!

Wrap her up, wrap her up
Penetrate and tangle her
Wrangle her, strangle her, tentacle action
You're probably thinking
"Lulz, you're kinky"
I'm just so spiked by Berry Punch
She gets me hot, It's like I'm Entei
Slug gets it flamin'
Time to pull it back before we get X-rated
Baby, I like to call it filly makin fools,
We're getting 20% cooler!

Reduce that treble
There's an 8 or 9 who think they're on my level
Like a rebel in a bunker getting shelled with a mortar
Bump up and down cause I think you ought'a

Put your hand on my thigh,
Don't be coy I can here you sigh,
Grinding your hips I'll be flashing my pink
And in 10 seconds flat you'll be back with a drink
WHOA!
Bring out the Bacardi!
Twilight Sparkle up in the party,
Tap that, like a phone in the cold war
Room on the third floor, knocking at my front door
Me? I'm kind of a rarity
You? Work that dexterity
Lean back now, here's what I meant,
Getting cooler by 20%!

You can call me the king or the ruler
Felon on bass getting hoarse at the mic
We're getting 20% cooler!

We had a great day out
Calling my name like Ferris Bueller
It's time to wrap this up
We're getting 20% cooler!

We're getting 20% cooler!
We're getting 20% cooler!****”

And finished to the applause of the crowd, and the blushing of the judges due to the nature of his song. Walking to the center, Spike said, “That's it folks! Now, we wait for the judges to give their results of their ratings for these three performances!”

At this point, the judges had collaborated together to come up with a victor, before sealing the victor's name in an envelope, and floating it up to Spike via magic. “And the winner is...” Spike said, opening the envelope...

*How else do you explain going so quickly from winter to fall without going to the Grand Galloping Gala?
**Good ol' days, by The Living Tombstone, Mic The Microphone, and Jackle App
***Sweet Apple Acres, by MandoPony
****20% Cooler (remix?) by Alex S. and Lulz