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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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you might want to change "Could" to "Couldn't"
7027159
Cheers I dunno how I missed that.
"Enjoy your time at Rares?"
Well, i'll say this: she's much MUCH more pleasant than Mr. Hyde.
You might want to change that to 'utter gall'.
7027362
I'm guessing, just wait until Twilight really gets rolling and then she's probably going to bring out the bondage and S/M. After all, she's got the memories of everything Dusk Shine's ever read and he's probably read much more than Princess Celestia has assumed.
...Hrm, should've finished up with Sweetie Belle saying "Your diary." for maximum hilarity![:rainbowlaugh:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowlaugh.png)
Your writing isn't exactly tops, but it's tolerable. I'll track it.
7027420 considering some depictions of Mr. Hyde, my point stands.![:ajbemused:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/ajbemused.png)
7028551
Thanks for the feedback, I'll consider making the necessary changes once I've done the next chapter.
I still felt tired and my wings still ached from exhaustion, though I didn't know why.
I still didn't know what that craving was, and to be honest it felt like I was suffering from some form of withdrawl.
"Great the princesses are coming..." I sat down in disbelief, though at any other time I would be excited. "What am I going to tell them? How badly the project failed? What the ingredients were for?"
"Now what would my faithful student need powdered desire, crystallized lust and liquid courage for?"
"Using alchemy as a base for an enchantment?"
I was under the impression that it was the moonlight that bestowed permanence, not use of alchemy.
How does your magic work?
"Well I wasn't going to use dark magic." I countered, "Ponies use alchemy in enchanting all the time; it's one of the safest practices in Equestria."
"That may be, Dusk, but remember that even the simplest alchemy comes at a price." Celestia reminded, "It's the First Law of Equivalent Exchange. For every working, something of equal value must be given in exchange." I shook my head and sighed.
Running on Fullmetal Alchemist rules then, at least partially
? A curious choice, and one that you'll need to reference in later chapters. Still doesn't really clarify the whole Alchemy + Enchantment = Permanent Enchantment. That's a lot of value to pay for - making an effect last until the destruction of its base reagent, or beyond?
"I didn't even get a chance to cast the spell to bind the enchantment."
next time, don't go behind my back about about stuff like this. I'm still your mentor, alicorn or not, Dusk."
"But nothing, Dusk. Creating a spell or enchantment from nothing is both dangerous and foolish without the proper guidance." Celestia scolded me like a child, "There is a reason I haven't taught you anything of that nature Dusk..."
Hey, there's that errant mind-reading effect again. Maybe that's our rogue enchantment?
Not sure that it'd really help with shyness, but I'm no mage.
"It would appear my sister had a rather risqué encounter with an unknown alicorn...
"Though I will be inquiring as to how a nude alicorn managed to sneak by the palace guard."![:trixieshiftleft:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/trixieshiftleft.png)
I do believe you've answered your question, Celly. Your guards were distracted.
Oh, but she DID attract attention, Dusk. That's how she got by
.
I shook my head at that stray thought, wondering where it came from.
The rest of the day was uneventful. I spent it cleaning up the remainder of the mess from last night's accident. Despite having slept until noon, I still felt drained.
this utterly overwhelming desire for more washing away all coherent thought.
The buttons of my shirt began straining against the expansiveness of my increasingly sensitive bust.
revealing thickening thighs, widening curvy hips and a swelling backside
...I'd offer correction, but while I can see this is erroneous, I'm not quite sure what she's doing. I mean, yes, she's walking, presumably to a mirror, but why? Why walk? Why look in the mirror? Is she compelled to do so? Did she catch a glimpse of herself and find herself unable to look away?![:trixieshiftright:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/trixieshiftright.png)
I loved being the centre of attention, you could say I thrived in it.
...Unless this is Twilight telling the tale- actually, that raises a good question. What's the framing device for all of this? Supposedly, Dusk is telling the story, but who are we? Why is he telling this to us? And how does he know about the Twilight sections? Or is Twilight taking over for those sections
?
Damn, observing that would almost be more fun than the tale itself... bah, enough existentialism.
Interesting... Someone's a bit more substantial than she's been portrayed.![:trixieshiftleft:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/trixieshiftleft.png)
Poor Spike, he's completely head over heels for her. I shook my head and rang the bell on the counter.
Someone doesn't know how to write Rarity.![:facehoof:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/facehoof.png)
Don’t get me wrong - the clothes Duskie always wore were comfy, but he really needed to be a bit more stylish. That bookworm look of his didn’t exactly do him any favours.
I wondered briefly if Luna would like me in any of these. Maybe later, but for now I was half tempted to visit AJ if I got some 'play time' tomorrow. Who knows, maybe I'll get AJ or that sexy brother of hers all to myself...everypony was trying to snatch him up, but then the strong silent type was definitely a turn on. He’s smart too - don’t let that farmhand look fool you, there’s a reason he’s in charge of the farm.
Spike finally got through the door. He could faintly hear the shower upstairs.
Spike shrugged, then caught a faint whiff of something in the air.
Smelting is what you do to ore to turn it into ingots. Smelled is the right conjugation, but the above phrasing combines the sentences more effectively.
Spike gave me a confused look
Interesting phrasing... it implies that Dusk has previously had... gender issues. Are these points intentional?![:trixieshiftright:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/trixieshiftright.png)
"I've seen the way you sneak a peek of her ass every now and then."
While her thighs might be described as mountainous, peak is the wrong homophone.![:trixieshiftleft:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/trixieshiftleft.png)
I walked off to my room, not noticing the sway in my hips.
"It's...t-that hussy that came here earlier!"
http://i.makeagif.com/save/FG_LAP
7039627
I understand wanting to be helpful in correcting someone’s grammar skills but, couldn’t you have sent a pm?