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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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and the names of those ingredients don't already raise a red flag?![:unsuresweetie:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/unsuresweetie.png)
since this is an anthro story, that might be true?![:unsuresweetie:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/unsuresweetie.png)
But i think you mean genes.
I'm trying to avoid throwing in the piles of missing commas, but this one is kinda important - as 'unable to move' is a nonessential clause (can be left out without making the sentence grammatically incorrect), it requires a comma separating it from the rest of the sentence.
Now how did Dulight know THAT? Mind magic is generally pretty serious stuff - you can pull this in third person omniscient, but in first person it's a right mess.
EDIT: The replacements to these lines are better, but part of the trade offs for first person perspective is that you don't get to hear other characters' thoughts, unless circumstances (such as telepathy or mind-links) make it a dialogue. In exchange, the reader gets to BE a participant instead of a floating camera. In essence, everything that we read in a first person section needs to be something that the perspective character (Dulight in this case) can observe. Perhaps use the fact that Mac's probably staring at hir wide-eyed to have Dulight observe hir reflection in Mac's eyes changing?
As for the latter line, you can simply cut the section off just after Twilight falls unconsious - she's the point of view at the time. If she doesn't observe something, neither should the reader. Adding information about Mac's motivations and thoughts is unecessary - if you can't show them through deed or through a section of his own, then they aren't really relevant enough to matter in a first person perspective. For example, the section immediately after this (Twilight awakens and infodumps her thoughts on the situation) could have been done from Mac's point of view, and been nearly identical, as neither gives the reader their thoughts at the time.
See prior comment - if you go with first person, commit to it.
That came out of left field. Why would Mac think that at that time? Twilight didn't drop any mention of Luna, nor had she mentioned anything regarding a crush. While Mac certainly could know this, there's no clear association that would make him think about it now.
The way of the mirror - the only TRUE way. 'Made my way to the mirror' is correct.
Pedestal.
EDIT: Now it's spelled right, but as it's a common noun in the middle of a sentence, it should be lowercase.
But either I failed to find anything unusual,
Dat ass be hogging all the adjectives. Spread 'em around a bit, be more generous. 'Tis elementary, darling!
'Rubbed and caressed faster,'
Too much to bear,
I wonder why![:trixieshiftright:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/trixieshiftright.png)
Odd. One would expect the stock comment regarding shy ones to come after a shy one makes a move on you, not the other way around. Perhaps it was Moony here that was doing the kissing? Except that it goes on to show that Moony's still not acting in a way that would provoke that comment. Unless Twi's referring to herself, which makes just about as much sense - she's doing all the nuzzling, but she's not an especially shy one. Either way, the comment's out of place.
Well THAT's hardly a fair bet, not that Twi knows it.
Overall, this is better, but still has issues.
and THAT should read more like
I'm sorry. it's just a quirk I've developed through the years.![:ajsleepy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/ajsleepy.png)
Might want to change this to "I'm starting to hate being cooped up in here nearly all day."
Wait a minute, that was Luna, wasn't it?
7031185 no shit shirlock
Hahahaha! That part cracked me up!
Hrmrm...
Approved.
This story has potential, but I'm slightly bothered by a POV issue you have in the third chapter (which is incidentally the one I've read up to). You're writing in first person, so there is no way that Twilight should know what Mac was thinking or what Luna did immediately after Twilight left her.
Now, admittedly, I haven't read the whole thing, so it could be explained further down the line, but at the moment it feels weird.
i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/007/195/im_watching_you_-_copia.jpg