[Displaced] So, how does one make a living in a land of magical talking technicolor ponies? Well it certainly helps when you're a brony. Being a character that you made up also has some perks. Now if I can just find my brothers, then I'm good.
I guess I donĀ“t have a problem with that foul language thing, but do I have to know Nyx story to enjoy this one? I mean I decided to read it later, but I want to know if I can just start with this one, since it is shorter.
I have a few questions: 1. How would that work? 3D Shadows? 2. Are you saying that every displaced can do a sonic boom of some kind? 3. "Shade" boom? 4. Was his vehicle a tank or a jeep? I think it was different to what was said in the first chapter. 5. How does he know the missing people were sent to Equestria?
Just being a little critical :P I do like the idea of the character and your writing is pretty good so far.
6436903 Well first off I wanted to show up Rainbow Dash so I developed the opposite of her Sonic Rainboom. Second, only the Displaced that can fly at supersonic speeds could create a sonic boom, look to the reason above for why I did that for Nick. Third, Deathtrap is an unusual type of shapeshifter because he can only shapeshift into land based vehicles. Finally, he didn't read about them in the news, but rather read about them on this website. Remember, Nick is a brony.
Your character is already OP. He has 15 powers in the Author's note alone, not only that he's able to gain more powers by drinking blood... Yeah, I could see this being used for so much 'Deus Ex' explanations.
Now, on to the problems I have with the story. You've made your character able to break the fourth wall, and have made him do so repeatedly throughout all three chapters. You then take it a step further and make Pinkie Pie blatantly break the fourth wall... Next problem I see is one that many authors have on this site: When another person or pony starts talking... MAKE IT ANOTHER PARAGRAPH! I cannot stress this enough. Many great stories are viewed as garbage simply because the reader can't tell who's talking, or where the characters are in the world that the author created. Finally to finish this rant off, is Consistency. You had Nightmare Moon appear, Twilight confront her, and after she escapes the characters go back to the Library and THEN Pinkie throws her surprise party...
I want to like this story, I really do, but for now I'm going to Track this. Try to smooth out some of these problems and We'll talk about likes and favorites.
6441298 Okay now forgive me for being defensive, but this is an alternate universe! Meaning, I can do just about whatever I want. Also, I'm not perfect. I'm gonna make some mistakes.
Edit: Now, I 've gotten rid of the Blooddrinker tentacles. But I am NOT going to get rid of anything else, namely because he isn't going to be using them very often.
I am going to think of Necros as a power lotto character using modified rules. Also, Deathtrap has quite a bit of potential if the only limitation is he is a ground bound vehicle. Concept cars and the like opens up a great deal of potential. Also, he should of aimed at RD and let his engine growl. After all, he is a dog, right?
6469820 Sooooo, where will Deathtrap stay? With Fluttershy and all of her animals? What about Fluttershy freaking out about being inside of a meat eater?
We wonder if Luna would also treat Nick as her father figure? In a way he was a stalwart companion and guardian in a parental role, it would be rather odd with both Nyx and Luna.
I guess I donĀ“t have a problem with that foul language thing, but do I have to know Nyx story to enjoy this one? I mean I decided to read it later, but I want to know if I can just start with this one, since it is shorter.
6432876 You don't have to, but I would highly recommend reading Past Sins because it is a very good story.
woooooop!!!!!!!!!!
huh...
I have a few questions:
1. How would that work? 3D Shadows?
2. Are you saying that every displaced can do a sonic boom of some kind?
3. "Shade" boom?
4. Was his vehicle a tank or a jeep? I think it was different to what was said in the first chapter.
5. How does he know the missing people were sent to Equestria?
Just being a little critical :P
I do like the idea of the character and your writing is pretty good so far.
~ how do I get rid of black line text that makes things look like a declassified document . .. It's annoying as shit ...
6436903 Well first off I wanted to show up Rainbow Dash so I developed the opposite of her Sonic Rainboom.
Second, only the Displaced that can fly at supersonic speeds could create a sonic boom, look to the reason above for why I did that for Nick.
Third, Deathtrap is an unusual type of shapeshifter because he can only shapeshift into land based vehicles.
Finally, he didn't read about them in the news, but rather read about them on this website. Remember, Nick is a brony.
6438968 You move the mouse (or whatever you use to click on stuff) on top of the text that is blacked out.
Your character is already OP. He has 15 powers in the Author's note alone, not only that he's able to gain more powers by drinking blood... Yeah, I could see this being used for so much 'Deus Ex' explanations.
Now, on to the problems I have with the story. You've made your character able to break the fourth wall, and have made him do so repeatedly throughout all three chapters. You then take it a step further and make Pinkie Pie blatantly break the fourth wall... Next problem I see is one that many authors have on this site: When another person or pony starts talking... MAKE IT ANOTHER PARAGRAPH! I cannot stress this enough. Many great stories are viewed as garbage simply because the reader can't tell who's talking, or where the characters are in the world that the author created. Finally to finish this rant off, is Consistency. You had Nightmare Moon appear, Twilight confront her, and after she escapes the characters go back to the Library and THEN Pinkie throws her surprise party...
I want to like this story, I really do, but for now I'm going to Track this. Try to smooth out some of these problems and We'll talk about likes and favorites.
6441298 Okay now forgive me for being defensive, but this is an alternate universe! Meaning, I can do just about whatever I want. Also, I'm not perfect. I'm gonna make some mistakes.
Edit: Now, I 've gotten rid of the Blooddrinker tentacles. But I am NOT going to get rid of anything else, namely because he isn't going to be using them very often.
I am going to think of Necros as a power lotto character using modified rules. Also, Deathtrap has quite a bit of potential if the only limitation is he is a ground bound vehicle. Concept cars and the like opens up a great deal of potential. Also, he should of aimed at RD and let his engine growl. After all, he is a dog, right?
6469259 Thank you for that little tidbit. I will make certain to put it in.
6469820 Sooooo, where will Deathtrap stay? With Fluttershy and all of her animals? What about Fluttershy freaking out about being inside of a meat eater?
We wonder if Luna would also treat Nick as her father figure? In a way he was a stalwart companion and guardian in a parental role, it would be rather odd with both Nyx and Luna.