[Displaced] So, how does one make a living in a land of magical talking technicolor ponies? Well it certainly helps when you're a brony. Being a character that you made up also has some perks. Now if I can just find my brothers, then I'm good.
You had Pinkie Pie and the OC break the fourth wall (and act out of character). Breaking the 4th wall really takes the reader out of the story. What's worse, there was no point to it other than "Lets break the fourth wall!" You could of had Pinkie being Pinkie by having her tell him to check the party she was throwing that night... and then see Twilight fly into town. Which would of been more in line with what we've seen for her character in the show. I've never seen canon Pinkie say anything like "Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie and none of us have free will as Faust writes everything we say. Your goal will be at this location at this time because the author says so. See you there!"
Sigh.
Sorry if I ranted a bit, but it really annoys me when someone breaks the fourth wall. I like being immersed in the story and breaking the fourth wall throws the reader out of the pool.
6419864 Well the thing is that Nick is still developing as a character. Also, he's been living on the moon for a long time with only Nyx to keep him company so he's bound to change.
I'm... going to have to agree with FordPrefect on this so far, unless it's done right and used very sparingly, breaking the fourth wall to have the characters acknowledge the author and audience really, REALLY, breaks the reader's suspension of disbelief that is required to keep them engaged in the story and continue reading.
Due to the way the entire chapter was nothing but the characters saying things instead of doing things also found my attention waning away from the story and causes me to be hesitant about continuing along the story due to that fact alone.
I know that some people enjoy 4th wall breaking Pinkie, but I find it tends to shatter my interest in a story when she does that. Even in the show she doesn't do it all that often, displaying foreknowledge about the SETTING instead of the MEDIA used to convey the setting. Even when she did break the fourth wall it was to be reminiscent of actors bowing out at the end of a great performance and thanking the audience for appearing.
Despite all the description that the character has simply said I don't feel that I actually understand how he sees himself in that light since he has only been displayed as a flat image instead of a well-rounded character. The only bit of depth I found was just above the end of the chapter as the main character was teasing his younger brother, before and after that though didn't quite seem to have the same feel to it.
If this comes off as mean, I really am sorry, but this story needs someone to give it a good and thorough critique so that it can be bettered instead of being a "meh..." rated story and I truly want to see this fic get better because there's a bit of interesting potential
Ok. A pet peeve of mine occurred this chapter.
You had Pinkie Pie and the OC break the fourth wall (and act out of character). Breaking the 4th wall really takes the reader out of the story. What's worse, there was no point to it other than "Lets break the fourth wall!" You could of had Pinkie being Pinkie by having her tell him to check the party she was throwing that night... and then see Twilight fly into town. Which would of been more in line with what we've seen for her character in the show. I've never seen canon Pinkie say anything like "Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie and none of us have free will as Faust writes everything we say. Your goal will be at this location at this time because the author says so. See you there!"
Sigh.
Sorry if I ranted a bit, but it really annoys me when someone breaks the fourth wall. I like being immersed in the story and breaking the fourth wall throws the reader out of the pool.
6419864 Well the thing is that Nick is still developing as a character. Also, he's been living on the moon for a long time with only Nyx to keep him company so he's bound to change.
6420392 Ummmm.....
That has nothing to do with my post or breaking the 4th wall ... did you reply to me by accident?
Edit:
Wait... I think I realized what you were posting about. I meant it was OOC for pinkie.
6420411 Oh. Well its really popular for Pinkie to break the fourth wall sometimes so I chose to do that. Sorry for the mixup.
6420566 Yeah. It still annoys me when it happens.
Great chapter
6420392
MORE PLEASE!
I'm... going to have to agree with FordPrefect on this so far, unless it's done right and used very sparingly, breaking the fourth wall to have the characters acknowledge the author and audience really, REALLY, breaks the reader's suspension of disbelief that is required to keep them engaged in the story and continue reading.
Due to the way the entire chapter was nothing but the characters saying things instead of doing things also found my attention waning away from the story and causes me to be hesitant about continuing along the story due to that fact alone.
I know that some people enjoy 4th wall breaking Pinkie, but I find it tends to shatter my interest in a story when she does that. Even in the show she doesn't do it all that often, displaying foreknowledge about the SETTING instead of the MEDIA used to convey the setting. Even when she did break the fourth wall it was to be reminiscent of actors bowing out at the end of a great performance and thanking the audience for appearing.
Despite all the description that the character has simply said I don't feel that I actually understand how he sees himself in that light since he has only been displayed as a flat image instead of a well-rounded character. The only bit of depth I found was just above the end of the chapter as the main character was teasing his younger brother, before and after that though didn't quite seem to have the same feel to it.
If this comes off as mean, I really am sorry, but this story needs someone to give it a good and thorough critique so that it can be bettered instead of being a "meh..." rated story and I truly want to see this fic get better because there's a bit of interesting potential
Fuckin 'el man. OCs can go fuckin suck my cock. Otherwise good story man. I think. I just read the first chapter. It's cool. Hehe. ;^)