PPL Day 1 - 2
Today I saw the edges of the universe, the exact size of time, the answer to questions that I still cannot comprehend and for this knowledge, what did I have to do? Well, I had to become a paralyzed pony of course. I guess I should start from the beginning. My name was Chris and I was a pretty normal British, 19 year old with a love for cartoons, video games, anime, you know, nerd stuff.
My friends and I had decided to go to the London Anime and Gaming Convention together and we thought it would be cool to all cosplayed. The only problem there was deciding of a theme for our cosplay. We game up with different designs for coplays involving One Piece, Pokemon, World of Warcraft, etc. We eventually decided on going as the cast of the internet cartoon Bravest Warriors, Luke going as Danny, Jonathon as Chris, Scott went as Wallow, my girlfriend Becky went as Beth and I, of course, went as the paralyzed horse with the crazy psychic powers, mostly because I didn't have the money to make giant gloves and I already had a rubber horse head from the previous going.
The trip there wasn't anything spectacular, we got the train the day before, we stayed at a hotel a few streets away from the convention centre and got take-out the same night. The first day was quiet a lot of fun with everything going to plan. We stayed together as a group and took part in the cosplay contest, which we came 2nd place behind a group of Warhammer 40K cosplayers, we posed for a few pictures, we got some sweet con swag and had dinner at Frankie and Benny's. The next day was when everything went south for me.
We went back to the con early in the morning with our costumes still on and we had decided to split up for the day. Luke wanted to check out the card game corner to see if he could get his hands on some special rare cards for his new decks, Jonathon and Scott headed to the Smash Bros tournament in the next building over and Becky and I wanted to listen to the voice actor’s panel for Cartoon Network.
About 30 minutes before the panel we decided to check out the merchants tables to see what might be leftover from yesterday. Becky as some point went to the toilets and had agreed to meet up at the panel. That was the last time I saw her because shortly afterwards I had decided to get her something as a surprise gift. I should probably mention that Becky is a massive Brony/Pegasister. There isn't a day that goes by when I'm with her and she doesn't had something My Little Pony related, either it's her Rainbow Dash t-shirt or her Fluttershy sweeter or her Spike the Dragon plushie she likes to carry around. I don't dislike this at all, most of the time I don't even notice it and others I find it very cute. She's showed me the show many times and I have liked some episodes, especially the ones with Discord, but it's just not for me.
I came across a MLP themed booth with plushies, posters, books and even the card game which Becky and Luke play for fun. I looked around to see anything of particulate interest but it all seemed very standard stuff. I inquired the merchant about it and after leaving for about a minute he came back with a small wooden box. Inside the box was what looked like an Element of Harmony but with a very different design, where the ones from the show were golden necklaces with each of the Mane 6's cutie marks, this one had a design that I've never seen before. The thing seemed normal enough but I should of been more careful since when I asked him about the item all he told me was that it was one of a kind and that I was destined to buy it, whatever he meant by that. So with low on both time and options I decided to buy the thing, £20 wasn't a bad price at all, considering the detail of the design and the quality of the craftsmanship. After the transaction I walked 2 steps and everything went blue, then dark, then dark green since I woke up in the middle of a dense forest as a pony.
One would think that I would of been freaking out at this point, and you would be right if I wasn't too busy trying to contemplate the gigantic amount of information being streamed into my mind. I saw images at random of the cosmos, places of nothing and places that had everything and more. I could hear the voices of trillions of beings across time and space, not one making a lick of sense. I was like this for hours, just staring endlessly into the void and reality of everywhere. I finally came back to my present reality at the sunrise of the next day, what would be the final day of the con. Everyone's probably worried sick about me, especially Becky, she worries about me when I don't brush my teeth before going to bed. Although, if she knew where I was and what I was doing, she would probably be more jealous and would probably want to swap places.
The next few hours weren't anything more than me trying to move my new paralyzed pony body but apparently I didn't get the psychic powers with the transformation, or I just don't know how to use them yet. Although by mid-day I had some company and my first clue to where I had ended up. Of course it couldn't have been anything friendly that would have found me first, it had to be a pack of Timberwolves looking for a quick meal. My knowledge on Timberwolves wasn't the best, they had only appeared in the show once or twice and it wasn't like I watched the show religiously so I only knew 2 things: first, they come from the Everfree Forest, gives me another clue to where I am and second, Spike defeated them with a pebble. Well since I couldn't move my body that option was out the window and pretty much any chance I had of fighting these things.
Luckily I didn't have to. Just before a Timberwolf could get too close to my neck a voice came from the forest, followed by a sudden flash of light. The next thing I knew, the area was covered with light blue smoke and the Timberwolves were running in every direction away from the area. After they were long gone, a clocked figure appeared from behind me and gave me a quick look over. The figure had also tried to get a response from me but sadly, I was still paralyzed but the figure did happen to figure out that I was alive from checking my pulse and listening to my heart.
Nice to know that it was still working, I can't feel anything below my head.
After a while he, or she, had decided that I was worth saving and had lifted me onto his, or her, back and walked off into the forest. Throughout the trip, the cloaked figure continued to get a response from me, asking me question after question, all in rhymes for some reason. There was something very familiar about it but at the time I couldn't quite put my finger ... hoof (?) ... on it.
After a bit of traveling we arrived at a small hut that was apparently made out of an old tree of sorts. Inside was a variety of oddities from weird shaped glass containers, like bottles and cups, to giant wooden masks that decorated the walls. At the centre of the hut there was a large black cauldron with what appeared to be some sort of brew, probably dinner for later. The figure lied me down on the bed next to one of the windows and then left me by heading into one of the other rooms after making sure I was placed correctly. After several minutes of silence the figure came back, this time without the cloak and to my surprise is was Zecora.
At this point I was ready to kick myself in the side of the head for not realizing soon. I mean, I recognized the Timberwolves at first glance and I had only seen them once, Zecora's appeared way more times in the show then those mutts.
She had returned with a small vial in her mouth. My guess was that it was some kind of potion to help me with being paralyzed.
I was right. Unfortunately Zecora stated that the potion probably won't kick in until I fall asleep so with nothing to do and nothing I could do, I lay there and allowed my mind to fall into the darkness of sleep.
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If you want to do a character from a show crossover, even one as good as Bravest Warriors, never try and add anything about someone being dressed as that character and being transported there and becoming that character.
Just state that the character is now in Equestria because reasons, no changes made to his form at all. He was laying in bed and his straw floor turned into a portal to Equestria. Or say he was trying to break free from that other dimension and crossed into Equestria by mistake.
If you want to write a Quest (a comment/reader driven story) find an appropriate forum, such as spacebattles.com, sufficientvelocity.com and questionablequesting.com as they are forums with pretty good fiction/fanfiction sections and QQ even has a dedicated Questing section.
As for this story, you may as well delete it, because I doubt you'll get anything more than this comment, comments for lazy and poor writing, and instant downvotes from anyone who reads your description here, as this is a site for stories, not Quests.
>FiMFiction; place for MLP related fanfiction
>haha I'm gonna run a quest
Please stop
6203033 why? What's wrong?
6203246 thanks
I don't suppose you know why people are hating on this story do you?
So far all I can tell is that people don't like quest stories for some reason.
While I can't argue that point, this is probably one of the more asinine crackfics I've read.
Which is to say it's shit, and you should feel bad for writing it.
6203536 any specific reason why you're saying it's asinine and shit? I would like to know to help me write better.
6203615
First, it's a LoHAV. Oh, sorry, a "Displaced" fic. Fuck that noise. It's not an original idea. It's not a good idea. It is, in fact, a boring, overdone, and pointless idea, and it should never actually be attempted. But you attempt it. Hell, you follow it true to form. There is nothing in this story that has not been done in any one of the other five hundred LoHAVs that are currently cycling through the feature box. You follow the exact, utterly stupid, entirely pointless pattern every single other fic like this has ever done. There is nothing new. There is nothing of value.
Oh, wait, it's "comment-driven". See, on Fimfic, most people are smart enough to realize that means you have no idea what the fuck you're writing and need others to do it for you. Hence, it's a standard-pattern formulaic LoHAV that manages to have even less originality than most, because you're not even writing the story. If you really want a Gary Stu Pony Quest that bad, go to /mlp/ and start a thread, but don't put this shit here.
Hell, the only thing you've managed is using some show I've never heard of for your stupid "displacement" deus ex machina, just like all the other LoHAVs. And to be honest, a crippled protagonist sounds like a shameless attempt at upvote garnering. If you really wanted to do that, you should have just done one of those "Vinyl Scratch is Deaf" fics that everybody is shitting themselves over. I guarantee you'd have much better luck with retards spamming the upvote button for you.
There is no originality whatsoever here. It's poorly written by the standards of the "genre" (and by that I mean "template"), everything is wooden beyond belief (as is standard), your grammar is mediocre at best, you didn't even try with the cover art, you didn't even try with the title, you didn't even try with the description, and, hell, you didn't even try with the rest of the fic. Shocker, right there.
The better question is "Any specific reason it's salvageable? I would like to know to help me decide whether or not to delete it."
The story isn't awful, to be honest. It is in desperate need of an editor, though. It seems (to me at least) that you have an idea for a story, but you're having trouble putting it to paper, as it were. There's a lot of writing conventions that seem to be ignored, too much explaining and not enough showing, but the story itself is interesting. Certainly not deserving of all the downvotes.
6203694 Thanks for the comment
6203683 What I gathered from your comments is that you don't like displacement stories because it's an un-original idea, and you don't like comment driven stories because it's a sign that I have no idea what I'm doing.
A few things to get out the way before I take your critics to heart. First; 'Chris' is paralyzed because it related to the character that me got turned into, not because I wanted more views or something. Second; I don't see how he's a Gary Stu since he's a paralyzed horse and it's only been 1 chapter so far. And third; of course this story doesn't have anything that separates it from the other 5 billion displacement story because its only got 1 chapter, there hasn't been time for the story to develop yet. Also, the item he used to get to Equestria can't be a deus ex machina since all it's done is act as the portal to Equestria, it hasn't broken the story or been used as a quick fix to a problem.
Now, I do agree that the dialog is a bit wooden since it's being through a mental journal and from my own writing and I should of thought before hand about what a comment driven story actually meant, which is probably something that I'm going to change about the story. The cover image isn't permanent since I am trying to create a custom one but will take some time, I just wanted my story to have a cover image in the mean time.
The description was also something that needs some work on as a few people have pointed out and now I look at in hindsight, I can see why people are quick to give it a down vote.
Thanks for the reply
It's not awfully written, actually. Despite what others say, I don't think that you're a bad author. You've got some questionable word usage at times, and you used 'vile' instead of 'vial' (the latter being a container for liquids, the former being an adjective meaning disgusting), but it's not terrible.
That said, I'm not exactly in love with the concept, and while the writing is competent I can't say it's actually good. As thisistheusernameIchose said, you tend to tell rather than show. It's an overlong chapter (by which I mean you spend too much space on this specific subject rather than the chapter is actually long) whose only purpose is exposition, and while sometimes stories do get better later, the first chapter is the chapter where you try to draw people in. This won't help things.
I recommend just having characters end up in Equestria in-medias res, or sparing the process only one paragraph. The process is usually not important compared to the upcoming shenanigans, and can safely be forgotten. If not, you could easily intersperse the 'how' and 'what' during the fic proper, where it may be relevant.
No downvote, but I won't like or keep track of this either.
6203798 Thanks for the advice and for pointing out the spelling mistake.
Not sure if people will read it, but I'ma go add this to the Bravest Warriors group.
This isn't that bad, but like others have already said its not quite good either.
My biggest gripe is that Chris even post transformation doesn't 'talk' like somebody that's even half-grasped the entire glory of the cosmos. He's still talking like a 19 year old kid.
That, and two big things. Again as other's have said a lot of this is being told not shown.
And really? Zecora, and she just happens to know a potion for curing ponies overcome with the infinite wonders of the cosmos? That's really a big problem for Equestrians?
Not only does that seem rather contrived, but it also undoes one of the original character's biggest weaknesses and traits in chapter one. Turning him from a interesting being with clear trade-offs for his powers, and just another HiE insert with unexplained powers turned into a pony.
6204006 The reason for him talking normally is because the way I see it, 'Horse' had lived with that vast amount of knowledge and had time to truly understand it. 'Chris' however had only been exposed to it for about 2 days so it hasn't really sunk in yet.
also I never said that the vial was going to cure him
In regards to Zecora, I couldn't think of anypony else that would be in the Everfree Forest and would also have a way to defend themselves from the creatures that lived there, the CMC sure couldn't do it.
I considered Twilight but I didn't want to give anyone the idea that I would be shipping the two.
6204115
Eh, fair enough. That bit makes sense.
...And this could never happen with Zecora, why? Heck, she's probably the most exotic character in all of FIM. People just hate writing in rhyme, or she'd be way, way more popular than she already is.
And I'm not certain why you felt you needed to start this story in The Everfree. It's the starting point for HiE stories as-is, and hardly the only hazardous area in FiM. Why not the Fire Swamp? Or Muggy Bog?
6204201 Zecora is a really cool character and I wish we saw more of her but people are a lot less likely to shout 'self-insert story' if the OC character doesn't meet the mane 6 first. That's my experience anyway.
The Everfree wasn't picked because it was dangerous, it was picked because it's portrayed in the show as magically unbalanced, leaving it a much more likely place for portals to appear in.
You used the wrong word in several places.
laid - past tense of lay. "I laid down to sleep last night."
lied - past tense of lie. As in "I lied about eating the cake".